9 The wedding preparations Part 1

Mike told me before we got married that he only wanted two kids so we could raise them up well. I wanted four kids so we could have a large family. This might have been an issue except that it was settled by the natural course of events and after I had gone through the pains of labour twice, I did not need any convincing to stop giving birth. Labour is so painful .When I got pregnant for the third time despite the family planning ,my husband and I decided unanimously to keep the pregnancy and brave it through.

Back to the wedding preparations, my husband came home one day and told me that it has been suggested that instead of the elegant white wedding gown I wanted to wear for my wedding,I should settle instead for a beautiful cream coloured lace blouse and skirt. The argument was that I would be able to keep on wearing it even after the wedding to any occasion I wanted. Whenever I remember this decision,I feel like punching a hole through the wall,I can't believe how cheaply I agreed to this. I guess I was so eager to please and did not want any argument over this that I painfully accepted this intrusion.Moreso,hearing who had actually insisted on this alternative made me afraid to raise any objection. Take a wild guess who it was and you are right.

All my my life,if ever I had wanted to get married,I wanted a dazzling white gown with a long veil trailing behind me held up by little cute kids just like in the film 'the Sound of Music' when the lead character Maria was getting married to the captain. What so thrilled me was that her long veil trailing behind her as she walked down the aisle. it was so magical for me and I wanted such for myself. When I even tentatively had brought up this my secret desire before the one seeming to make the major decisions in my wedding plans,she had waved it aside derisively. Thugh I still turned out to still be a very beautiful bride, i was truly heartbroken, I have always felt that my moment was stolen away from me. The fact that Mike did not stand by me to insist on me getting what I wanted also broke my heart further ,to this day,I don't know why he did not insist on me wearing the wedding dress I had wanted back then,but instead gave into this other suggestion and helped coax me to agree to it. I have never asked him about it all this why but the way I look at it now,I guess he too was secretly afraid to offend her.

Because I could not get my way with my wedding dress,I gave up and did not pay much attention to any other wedding purchases again. I just handed everything over that could be bought to her and made do with what I was given. don't get me wrong,all my jeweleries and clothing accessories used for my wedding were gorgeous and to be objective, i may not have made such exquisite purchases.

What I am trying to say is that,it was my moment and I did not get to enjoy the best parts of it. Whenever I watch films of couples planning for their weddings and see how the bride gets to decide on what to wear,I wish I could go back in time and redo that part and get to wear the wedding dress of my dreams.

its amazing but this memory still pains me.

Another thing that Mike and I planned before we got married was that we would not have kids immediately,that we would just take a year off and be loving ourselves before we entered into the hustle and bustle of raising kids. This unfortunately did not work out because I took in about a month before the wedding.

Aside from the initial disappointment that our dream of taking time off to just love ourselves before the kids started coming was unexpectedly quashed, we were both excited to be parents,we loved kids,we had just wanted to breathe first.

Mike and I also discussed the sex of our kids and after a particular pre marital class where we were asked some very tough questions,we got talking and I later got praying. its crazy the kind of pressure women go through in Africa .As I grew up watching American films and I still do,I got to see how very different we are in some important matters. forgive me if my interpretation is wrong,but I got to see that the emphasis is not on the sex of the baby and the woman is not condemned for the sex of the baby she produces. To go straight to the point,in Africa,having a male child is a big deal,in fact in many cultures,having a boy is better than having many girls. Education and religion has softened peoples minds but its still there lurking around,and many an African wife always feel immensely pressured to give birth to a male child.

In the pre marital class,we were asked what we would do if God only blessed us with girls,many intending couples had replied that they would be happy with whichever God gave them,but I could see pensive looks on all their faces. l knew from growing up in an African setting what to expect, in fact, some of my friends kept taking in and giving birth until they got that one male child. This is so bad but its the culture we grew up in,so if you are an African woman born and bred in Africa ,you know how it works and you make it a prayer point for God to give you male children. The knowledge that its the man that produces the male sex cell has not let many African wives off the hook as society and family still finds ways to make it the woman's fault

I prayed for Gods help in this, I told God not to give me this kind of burden to carry, I told him not to allow this totally erroneous concept that male kids are better preferred than female kids to be an issue for me in my marriage. Mike had told me emphatically that he was cool with any sex that came, but I had enough wisdom to know that its more than him and me,and that sooner than later,even if he did not want to,he would come under the pressure to have his wife deliver a male child. I think God answered my prayers or is it the way my life is already predestined,but my first child turned out to be a boy. Thank God,not because my girl kid is not special and dear to me too,but I did not have the strength to battle a formed cultural concept

.

All children are wonderful and beloved of God ,no sex is greater than the other.