13 My first year in marriage

I was pregnant but we were having sex all the time. I feel I have to start this chapter like this because it is the truth and because I remember always having this weird thought that too much sex would harm the baby. Even when the pregnancy was very much advanced,we were still trying out different ways to still have sex .We were young and very much in love and I on my own part was having the time of my life. Funny is it i guess to think that too much sex would harm the baby,but that's the weird thought I kept on having then. Of course during my later pregnancies,I stopped having those thoughts.

The happiness did not last for long because I discovered again that Mike was still been unfaithful to me. it was in my relationship with Mike that I grew to become a very angry and bitter person because his infidelity shocked me to my core and broke my heart and fractured my life. In Africa where polygamy is practised very well,if you find out that your husband is cheating,you cannot use that as an excuse for divorce. in fact even your own mother will advice you to stay put and keep on praying for your husband if you can, other women will use their own stories to encourage you to find your joy in your children as they too have learnt to do,and the religious women will remind you that divorce is against the law of God. and God help you if you come across so called well meaning friends who will ask you to examine yourself to see if there was something you are doing to make your man cheat on you. This was the kind of scenario I frequently found myself in and I sunk deep into long periods of deep depression and bitterness. I was bitter at a society that forced me to adhere to unspoken norms regarding the response of an African wife to her cheating partner,I was bitter at myself for not having the courage to dare to stand up for my dignity and respect,and I was still in love with Mike to let him go. You see,before marriage,I thought I could change him because I was told that I can, it did not take long for me to realise soon after that infidelity is a choice and until the partner involved decides to change,nothing will change.

For many years,I revolved within a cycle of anger,hurt,pain, self loathing,revolt against God because I felt he should crush Mike and he was not doing it, remember I have a religious background so I always find myself weighing my decisions,actions and responses against the Word of God because I loves God enough to know right from wrong and I valued our relationship enough to want to protect it from falling apart. But it did fall apart,many times, I hated on God because I could not understand why he created men to cheat. yes,I thought this way because I was told and eventually convinced that all men cheat, that is their nature,that they cant help it I frequently accused God of been the initiator of infidelity in man, but as I grew in the study of Gods word,I saw that God actually condemns infidelity,he could not have created a system that fails,he was not a puppet master up there pulling the strings and enjoying our misdemeanors, he actually gave us self will and the right to make choices,so if anyone cheats,its because they decide to, its because they were not willing to fight to stay committed to their partner,its because they have accepted the world opinion that cheating is normal and inevitable.

I personally think now that many people will be surprised when they get to heaven. Does it mean I too have not cheated,truthfully NO, and God is my witness,not because I did not want to many times and especially to get back at Mike,definitely not because of a satanic cultural belief that says that a cheating wife will die with her children, that's just one of the ways some African women are trapped within marriage, I am a child of God and come under Gods law,so any satanic cultural belief will not touch me, its sad that a culture would punish the wounded and excuse the guilty. As I write now, it just occurred to me that this could have been a way Mike desperately wanted to make sure I did not cheat while he continued cheating.

Anyway it did not matter then and does not matter now,I am stronger than that psychological bullshit.

I did not cheat simply because long time ago,my mother lead me to Jesuit Christ and as I grew up,I developed a relationship with him,I knew he would always have my back and I decided then to try my best to do right by him.

So i knew cheating was wrong and that it hurts so bad. Though iwatched it on films ,I never know it could happen to me. So in the strength of Jesus,I am able to avoid this particular weakness. Besides I also think to myself,this other person I may want to sleep with must have a woman and I will end up hurting another woman just like I have been hurt.

I gave birth to my first son in the midst of all this turmoil and that boy brought sunshine into my life.

Finally I was a mum.