6 More about me

For a very long time,I always saw myself as a weak person,a people pleaser,a non confrontational person and a passive follower. I would be in situations where I know the solution to the problem and I would not be able to speak up because I was afraid of criticism. In a meeting where everyone was supposed to air their views,I would wait until everyone had spoken before I summoned up courage to speak my mind,all the while deceiving myself that I was been gracious in allowing others speak first. I would always try my best to please others at my expense and when I see sexy ladies whom I secretly admire,I would dismiss them off as being showoffs. I remember times in my secondary school years,where I would stare at the other girls who seemed to have cute boyfriends and were having all the fun. I longed to join in on the fun,but I did not have the right clothes or was it the right attitude. Those girls were dare devils and very skimpy in their dressings. Not that I cared much to look like them,but I loved their confidence,even the somewhat ugly girl among them had a very cute boy at her beck and call, and her nose was quite big.Some boys approached me but I did not respond,I did not know how to respond.

There was this particular boy I loved so much that anytime he stared at me,I would almost pass out. He was so good looking. Because I was so shy,some of my classmates then used to make fun of me,there was this day that this guy stood up for me against another boy who was insulting me and they almost fought. You would think it would have been the start of a romance just like in the movies but it was not. It turned out that he was just too good natured to see a lady been made fun of. That act of his however made me love him all the more and my heart kept breaking apart each time I saw him surrounded by girls. There was this particular girl he hung out with all the time and she had very wide hips and a tiny waist,the kind of shape girls would do anything to have at that time. I used to look at myself in the mirror and think to myself,what a plump maid. Those days,watching movies were my best hobbies,at least I get to live out my wildest fantasies through them. I get to be the princess who the prince falls in love with.

My parents never allowed me have a relationship with any boy,they were so strict. My sweet mum used to warn me that if I ever sat next to a boy, or stared at him too long,and worst of all,talked to him,I would become pregnant,and the boy will go off and live his dream while I would be doomed to walk the earth alone with the stigma of been a teenage mom who gave birth out of wedlock.

In Africa, this is taken very seriously.

With this kind of orientation,I could only live in my imaginations and console myself that my mum was right. Oh mothers,the things they say to prevent their daughters from making mistakes.I don't blame my mom,I can't blame her,she raised me up as best as she could and I am thankful to her.It was later on as an adult that I got to get an identity for myself.

So how did I get to be this kind of person. How did it start and when did it start? Truthfully I don't know,but I can still put together certain things that happened to me as a child that marred me for life. There was this guy who used to repair my dads car when I was about eleven years old, he frequently came to the house and helped out when both my parents travelled. One fateful day when both my parents had gone out and the rest of my siblings were fast asleep,he came to the house. I can't remember again if he was drunk but he began making serious love advances to me as soon as I let him into the compound. He was a familiar presence,so when I had asked who was at the gate and he replied ,'its uncle,' I had happily let him in.He persisted in trying to rub me up and kiss me but I kept saying, no uncle,no, it was when I said that I would tell my mum that he stopped. He then left but not without warning me not to say anything and that since I refused him,if anything happened to him,I was to blame

Imagine saying this to a child. When he left,I felt sad, yes I was a child then but I remember feeling sad and shy,I could not tell my other siblings what had happened,even when my parents came back later that evening,I could not tell them anything.,I can't tell how I was processing all this at that time as a child .Then came the shocking news the next day. A mutual friend of ours and the uncle came to the house and told my parents that uncle had died,that he was drunk and got into a fight and was stabbed to death. My parents broke the sad news to us and held us close as we all wept. but my weeping was twofold, shock as a child that uncle died in such a tragic manner and secondly that I was responsible for his death. I could see his face as he told me that since I refused him,anything that happened to him,I was responsible. Through all this,I still did not tell my parents,though I never forgot. I started having bad dreams about the whole thing and it took me quite some time to move on,but I never forgot,I guess I used other things to cover up the episode and how it made me feel.

Self examination as an adult brought the memory back to me and I could trace my feelings of unworthiness and insecurity to that episode.

I don't know why children find it hard to tell their parents these kinds of things, if I had told my parents,,I am very sure I would not have been scolded,I would have been reassured and told that I was not responsible for what happened to uncle.

On another note,now as a mother, I feel for us women. Its hard been a mother. its a job you learn on the way. What applies in ones woman situation may not solve another's woman's problem. Now that am remembering uncle again,I think of his mum,and how hard it must have been for her to lose her son that time the way that she did,to me,he was a molester,to her a beloved child.

Mothers,where do we go so wrong,?, no mother raises the child to be a criminal,you do your best as a mum and boom,you wonder at the human being before you and ask yourself,who is this?.how did my child turn out to be so damaged?.

Another incident that I don't forget that also happened around this time is the memory of an old man with tobacco stained teeth who stayed close to the shop where I used to buy sweets on the way home from school..My school then was very close to our home. This old man , well,at that time,he appeared old to me,but now looking back,he must have been in his late thirties but very unkempt. this man made it his business to call me his wife anytime he laid his eyes on me ,I remember always crying and telling him to stop which of course,he didn't. There was this day,he tried to grab hold of me and literally chased me all the way home. Again,mum and dad were at work. I remember hiding under the bed until I heard the sound of my dads car. Still,I did not say anything to my patents. In fact , I received a lot of negative attention from men in my early childhood that I wonder now,how I escaped been raped back then. It can only be God. But those experiences made me very insecure and unhappy. I did not fully appreciate just how messed up I was until God started bringing out in my quiet times these memories and many others,and I had to find courage in Gods love to begin the process of inner healing.

I remember a saying which I find to be so true and it goes like this, be kind to everyone you meet along the way,for everyone is carrying a load you may not know about. If we all put this saying in mind,we will accept others as they are,we will be sympathetic with them,we will not put undue burdens on them or roll out long list of expectations from them We will be kind to them and to ourselves,we all are travellers on this journey of life,we can co exist,we don't have to be friends to show love,but love does indeed make the world go round.

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