Chaos

"Ma, is dad not coming home again?" Jhay asked Pherein. They were walking on the seashore barefooted as they carried their slippers in their hands. Jhay's other arm was clinging unto her mother's slender one. Pherein shrugged her shoulders, like it was natural for a man to leave his woman at home. Jhay stared at the sea and smiled, Pherein saw it. The pale glimmering reflections of the sunrays towards the water reminded Jhay of everyone. The sea looked peaceful and calm but deep inside, there hid a thousand feelings and emotions. Jhay wondered how she looked in Pherein's eyes, how she looked in other people's eyes. Do they see her like how she sees herself? Or do they see her as how they wanted her to look in their eyes?

"Why did father chose that job?" Jhay asked Pherein. Pherein stopped walking and sat on the sand not far away from the sea water's reach made by the waves. Pherein tapped the sand and motioned Jhay to sit beside her. Jhay placed her slippers on the sand and sat next to her mother.

"He loves his job, plus, he really enjoys the snow." Pherein said. Jhay nodded. The young lady thought, "What made someone to discover his interests or passion?"

"Jhay, sometimes a person can never tell you what they really desire. They will just tell you little answers. Letting you understand them with no more further explainantion. I call it acceptance." Pherein said.

"But I'm happy because I know that somewhere out there, even if he is far away..." Pherein paused as she looked at Jhay and fixed her daughter's messy hair caused by the wind coming from the sea and said, "...he's still thinking of us. I know that he will be back".

"Ma, If someone dear to you disappears without a trace and left you clueless whether he will be back or not, what would you do?" Jhay asked Pherein as her mother looked at her with caring and gentle eyes.

"Think about the memories you had with that person. Were those memories enough to make the person go back to you?" Pherein asked. Were those memories enough for Haji to go back to Jhay?

"Will you wait for that person?" Pherein asked. Jhay have always been waiting for everyone to come to her. She never thought that she would wait for someone who already left her.

"Aren't you feeling cold, honey?" Pherein asked Jhay as she smoothly rubbed her daughter's back in a circling motion with her thumb. Jhay felt a little bit cold and her feet started to get numb. Jhay was about to stand when a piece of warm cloth wrapped around her shoulders. Jhay looked at the person behind her.

"Ms. Angela?" both Pherein and Jhay said. Together with Jhay's former personal teacher was a woman who looked older than Angela but younger than Pherein, she was the one who gave Jhay the warm cloth. Joy smiled at Jhay warmly so the lady smiled back at her in return.

"What brought you here, Ms.?" Jhay asked Angela as she hugged herself and looked at Jhay with sad eyes.

"Is this her?" The woman asked Angela as she gestured her hand towards Jhay. Angela nodded affirmatively to Joy. Angela gave Jhay another painful smile.

In Jhay's mind she thought, "What is going on? Is there something that I missed?"

"Miracle? It's me, Joy... Your mommy. It's really you. I've waited so much for this moment, my child. You look beautiful and healthy. I missed you for a very long time. I'm sorry that it took me years to come and find you, honey" Joy said continuously and cupped Jhay's face with her hands. She never failed to smile at Jhay.

Jhay thought, "Who is this person? Is she important to me?"

"Excuse me but uhm..." Jhay licked her lower lip and gulped the lump inside her throat, "... Who are you?"

Jhay never intended to hurt the woman by denying her in the slightest way. Yet she could not let any woman call her their child, especially when Pherein was around. The woman named Joy looked at Jhay with a very painful pair of eyes, she was hurt.

"Miracle, I am your mother, Joy. You must come with me! We will live together and have a happy life!" Joy said with a creepy smile. Pherein was about to hold Jhay's arm again but Jhay refused and accidentally hit Joy's hand. The painful reaction came from Joy's face reminded Jhay of Pherein before. Jhay looked away as Joy continued to stare at her with a pained expression.

"You're not my mother" Jhay said as she removed the cloth around her and returned it to Joy. Joy didn't flinched nor moved when Jhay gave the cloth to her so Jhay wrappped it around Joy's shoulders. Jhay could still feel Joy's warm gaze towards her as she started to take two steps away from the stranger.

"Jhay" Jhay heard Joy called her name. Without any unexplainable feeling or thought, a tear escaped from Jhay's eye as she held Pherein's hand tighter.

Jhay kept telling herself, "Don't look back. Don't look her in the eyes. Don't get carried away."

"Jhay?" Joy called her child's name again. This time, Jhay covered her eyes using her hands and her tears started to fall nonstop.

She thought with a heavy heart, "Why am I crying badly? I don't know Joy. I don't know her. I just met her today, but why am I crying this badly?"

"Jhay, please don't turn your back on me. Please look at me." Joy pleaded as she tried to chase Jhay.

"Please forgive me. Please accept me." Jhay covered her ears as Joy continued talking from a far. Jhay never heard anything from Pherein but a single chuckle which made her chest hurt more. Jhay remained standing on the shore, eyes closed, tears trying to escape from her eyes, her hands covering her ears and a sorrowful cry came out from her mouth. Jhay felt Pherein walked a little far and a sudden pair of new and warm arms wrapped around her waist, someone was hugging her from the back. Jhay felt Joy's tender cheek landed on her back since she was taller than Joy. Jhay never stopped sobbing as she felt the familiar warmth penetrated within her. She felt like she was connected to that warm when she was a baby.

"I finally got the chance to hug you, my child" Joy said as she hugged Jhay tightly. Jhay looked at Pherein smiling at her from a distance. Angela covered her mouth as she cried.

"They took you away" Joy said. There was a lump on Jhay's throat which never stopped her from sobbing.

"They took you away from me, I couldn't do anything. The people in that white place always tell me that I can see you soon if I behave well" Joy said. Jhay removed her hands from her ears and covered her face, she tried to stop herself from crying.

"I thought I won't ever see you again" Joy said, Jhay's eyes met Pherein's. Pherein was crying... she nodded towards Jhay and mouthed the words that made Jhay felt more at ease, "I'm fine".

"Please let me go" Jhay said as she tried to remove Joy's arms around her waist. Jhay wanted to hug Pherein and say that she loves her. Joy's hug tightened as Jhay struggled to break free.

"Please let me go!!!" Jhay begged as she tried to shove Joy away but the stranger was stronger and Jhay felt so weak right at the moment.

Jhay thought, "Is Joy going to take me away from Pherein?"

"Let me go!" Jhay's voice cracked as her tears covered her face. Jhay reached out her hand towards Pherein's direction as if she was asking for help. Jhay looked at her mother with pleading eyes as she let her childishness took place over her braveness.

"Mama" Jhay called Pherein. Pherein's eyes widened as she looked at her miserable and struggling daughter. Jhay felt Joy's hug loosen a little bit as they both stopped struggling.

"Mama" Jhay called out once again. Pherein walked towards their direction and she hugged Jhay tightly, causing for Joy to let go. Jhay burried her face on Pherein's chest as she continued sobbing.

"You're not taking Jhay away from me" Pherein said, her hands wrapping around her daughter's head as she looked at Joy crying.

"She's my child!" Joy cried.

"But I am her mother!" Pherein protested. Angela looked at Jhay with a bothered look.

"Since when did you considered Pherein as your mother?!" Angela asked Jhay.

Jhay thought, "Right, I remember, Ms. Angela left me as a cold hearted and neutral person. She never met Haji and Damian. She never saw me changed and she never saw me accepted Pherein."

"How would you know?" Jhay said and showered Angela cold stares.

"You left me too, remember?" Jhay asked sarcastically. Angela remained silent as she felt humiliated. Angela helped Joy to stand from her fall when Jhay chose to go to Pherein.

"Jhay, you must reconsider this. Joy was the one who carried you for nine months inside her womb. She was the one who bore you! That mad woman beside you right now, don't you remember that she kidnapped you?!" Jhay stared at Angela as if blurting out those words would bring Angela trouble.

Jhay thought, "Why does she keeps reminding me of the past? Why does she have to bring Joy to me when I'm already happy with my current mother?"

"I know!!" Jhay shouted out of frustration. Angela saw her anger and sadness. Angela couldn't believe Jhay just talked back to her, she could hardly believed that Jhay has changed. Jhay knew the fact that she mistreated Angela when she was still her personal teacher. Jhay realized she should have treated her nicely. She knew she should have been a better person. But what could she do? If she only realized those things after she met Haji?

"Is this revenge?" Jhay asked Angela as Angela looked at Jhay with a horrified face.

"Are you going to take revenge on me for treating you badly before?" Jhay asked, she thought, "Will it make her happy if I let her see me suffer again?"

"What did I ever do?" Jhay asked in disbelief.

"Aren't you thankful that you've finally got to meet Joy?!" Angela asked as she held Joy in her arms, the woman was still crying. Knowing that her only child only recognizes her as a stranger.

"Did you even think about the consequences of your actions?" Jhay asked Angela. Jhay knew she should be thankful towards Angela. But, how was she supposed to show it in front of Pherein?

"Jhay, listen to me!" Angela insisted, her veins coming out on her forehead and neck, you could see the blood rushing through her head because her face turned from pinkish to red.

"I won't listen to you!!" Jhay protested. Jhay pulled Pherein softly towards her and smiled.

"Ma, can we go home now?" Jhay asked. Pherein nodded and smiled at Jhay. The daughter and her mother started walking away, with still their slippers on their hands. Jhay could almost hear the crashing waves of the sea as she avoided to see Pherein's happy yet crying face. Jhay got a wierd feeling that someone was following them and before Jhay could look behind, Joy already captured Pherein.

"You thief!!" Joy shouted and grabbed Pherein's long curly hair. Jhay gasped as she was not expecting Joy to be that aggresive. Pherein struggled as Joy never let go of her hair.

"Hey stop! What are you doing to my mother?!" Jhay shouted. Jhay was about to help Pherein when suddenly Angela held her strongly like a professional bouncer. Angela has been dealing with different types of patients aside from helping parents to have a child. Even if she was a girl, she could hold someone in place professionally without causing too much physical damage. Jhay started crying as Joy dragged Pherein towards the sea. Pherein wasn't fighting back and she was letting Joy hurt her.

"Mom! You gotta fight back! Let me go!" Jhay shouted over again. Jhay was about to hit Angela when she suddenly remembered something.

She thought, "Isn't she pregnant?! Why is her stomach still small? Did she lie to us?"

"Please let me go!!" Jhay begged but Angela never let her go.

"Mom!!" Jhay shouted. Joy was holding Pherein's hair and she dipped her head in the water. Pherein would gasp for air and then she would look at Jhay .

"No! No! Stop!" Jhay begged. Pherein looked at Jhay once again as she mouthed something to Jhay, Jhay didn't hear what her mother said but she learned how to mouth read.

'Ay-de-ser-v-this'

I deserve this.

Right after Pherein said those words, she smiled at Jhay and dipped herself into the water willingly.

"No!!!" Jhay almost cursed as she struggled harder, luckily with the slightest chance, Jhay freed herself and ran towards the sea. Jhay didn't mind the cold water that touched her feet. She pushed Joy away from Pherein and held her mother's head in her arms.

"Mom! Wake up! Mom!?" Jhay called, slowly slapping her mother's cheek. Joy watched Jhay crying and begging for Pherein to wake up.

"Mom! It's me Jhay! Come on!" Jhay begged. Joy moved towards Jhay. Without any hesitation, Jhay gave her a warning look.

"Stay away from me" Jhay ordered, or precisely begged.

Joy stopped and looked at Jhay with the saddest reflection of the sea in her eyes. As if she was drowning in that sea.

"Do I deserve this?" Joy asked Jhay. Joy gave Jhay the sweetest smile she could ever do as she cried in front of her child.

"Don't I have the right to touch you now?" Joy added. Jhay felt that everything was so cold that she could almost feel her whole body was shaking.

"Can't I be your mother too?" Joy cried. Jhay felt Pherein trembled as she coughed the seawater out from her mouth. Jhay's heart stopped working when she saw her mother's still smiling face after drowning herself.

"Can we just talk all about these things at home?" Pherein said as she recovered herself and walked towards the seashore. She picked up her slippers and smiled to Joy and Jhay. Jhay saw Joy bowed her head and the seawater collided with the tears in her eyes as she smiled. How humiliating it was, having a child you could not possibly have because she was seeing other woman as her mother.

"Will you come home with us?" Jhay asked Joy.