12 My dao of bullshit

After briefly meditating on the dao of bullshit, I opened my eyes to face Dumblywhore. "Well headmaster, what me and Mordred did was have a quick soar using battle magic. We need to practice it just like any other form of magic otherwise we may lose our touch. While I can see how it's frowned upon to 'duel' this isn't relating to that."

The old mans eyes twinkle some more "oh good heavens, battle magic? I've only heard stories of such an art. Could you please tell me why you needed to use it".

"You see headmaster, unlike other spell systems which can be improved via studying Battle magic must be honed through the body constantly to improve the effects. The more you practice the stronger you get."

He gestured for an example so I explained "battle magic is the art of reinforcing the body for combat and using magic to enhance combat related skills such as quick movements and strikes from weapons, both unarmed and armed. It's is trained from a young age as it is a slow process to rebuild the body into something much better for fighting so it can't be picked up casually."

He then looked at Madam Pomfrey who was biting her lips thinking about it. She chose to answer him with her discoveries though she was unsure of why? "Albus, this magic is incredible from what I can determine. Their magic flows through their bodies like a veteran wizards does except it's in much bigger quantities and a slightly better quality. Their organs, muscles, bones, skin and fluids are all being gradually transformed. I imagine this occurs through training. When a normal body trains the muscles tear or the organs are strained so they repair stronger than before. If what he says is correct then they simply infuse magic into their bodies during the time their bodies are repairing themselves explosively improving the results. Normal wizards actually have this phenomenon passively as their bodies repair damage and become stronger, it's why we're much sturdier than muggles but this process is actively improving the body rather than passively."

His massive beard quivers as he fails to hide his spell. "That is impressive, pray tell could they staff learn such a wonderful magic?" He asked with a glint in his eye that screams he's desperate for power.

Jon simply deadpanned before his face gained more depth "No!" The room went silent as they registered the rejection. "No?" Dumbledore asked maintaining the same tone but I noticed the building rage in his eyes.

You have no idea how much I wanted to go full Rohan on him and hit him with the full quote but I feel that if I don't answer him right this second he's going to mind rape me for information. So I decided to bullshit some more, everything I was about to say was completely false but was mixed with half truths.

"Headmaster I cannot teach the staff or even the students how to use battle magic. The simple reason is that either they can't endure it or they have already matured. Poppy already explained some of the changes she identified but there are much more than that. (Her eyes shined at the opportunity to research more).

Training has to begin during childhood so that they can gradually adjust to the changes. For an adult wizard to start using it would be suicide as their fully mature magic would smother their fully developed muscles and destroy them. Your body is unprepared for handling that much magic, even with impressive micro control you would still have to bear consequences. There was a maester in my homeland who managed to learn battle magic in adult hood but the results were that he could barely move as he body grew denser therefore he couldn't lift his arms and struggled to move his legs."

The teachers were a little horrified to imagine themselves exploding from their muscles trying to infuse magic into them. Dumbledores twinkle actually vanished as his brows furrowed. His mind running the calculations over it. He is the most powerful wizard which means his magic is the strongest. But due to his age it also means his body is the most feeble therefore wouldn't be able to withstand the burden.

His eyes flashed as he thought about making Young Potter and some other students learn the art and then possessing their body like he plans in the near future but as if Jon could read his mind. "People with wrecked bodies with previous also shouldn't practice battle magic as it would aggravate them causing a painful death". Dumbledore resisted the urge to click his tongue as he knows Potter has an extremely damaged body from years of abuse in his muggle home. Even the blood wards wouldn't be able to heal all the damage.

Oh yeah Dumbledore is mildly dark in this fic, his plan was to possess Harry after Voldemort killed him by using a ritual with the three deathly hallows. He already plans to give Harry the cloak and he's in the process of locating the stone which is in the Gaunt family home. He also already has the elder wand which he intends to bury with himself to activate the ritual.

Alas in canon Voldemort took the wand in an attempt to gain some more power which through a wrench in his plans as the ritual was only half complete meaning he would only be able to visit Harry's soul rather than replace it. At least that was my theory anyway.

Now my explanation is false as anyone with magic can learn 'battle magic' but it does take training and experience to master. So in the future when me and Mordred our perform others we can chalk it up to battle magic as the current wizarding society doesn't know its full extent.

Dumbledore still not letting up chooses to prod some more. "Then how did you two manage to learn such a strong magic?" Ah he's trying to find the supplier so he could find alternatives. Typical wizard behaviour, if you can't learn the spell in your own country outsource it. Fortunately I've already thought of these answers and discussed with Mordred.

"Headmaster, Mordred is a member of the PENDRAGON family. They are world renowned for their sword skills. Even muggles are semi aware of the blades that are in their hands. It's only natural for the pendragon family to know battle magic. They also have their family line continue due to it".

My comment seems to make them halt, some of them at least had the decency to blush or turn their heads away. How could they forget that family who dominated Britain with battle prowess alone. Dumbledore decided to focus entirely on me as I was doing the talking. Time for a semi true backstory that is heavily abridged.

"How about you Mr Snow? Where did you learn battle magic."

"I learned it in my homeland professor, I'm from a closed magical community". His jaw clenched at that, several cultures choose to close of their communities to hide their magic from being stolen. Albus still didn't relent though and continued to pry so I was going to let the damn break.

"What is the name of your community? Where is its entry point?" Even some of the professors looked at the headmaster like he was being pushy. So Jon announced out to all who were listening which included a young Malfoy blatantly eavesdropping on the juicy information which he was planning to relay to his daddy. He wanted to learn battle magic, perhaps he could use it to bond with the pendragon girl. His family was at best Earls on the nobility totem pole and she is a damn queen. Every member of the sacred 28 will want to get in her graces.

"My community is called Westeros, the entry point is located in Northern Siberia or at least the one I exited by was located there". Everyone had the word COLD flash through their minds. They tried to remember if they've ever heard of Westeros but they all drew a blank.

Professor Flitwick being the Ravenclaw that he is asked Jon to tell them about his homeland which the others mentally applauded as they all wished to know as well yet their reactions grew strained when Jon sighed in exasperation.

"Certainly professor I can tell you but I feel that this information is rather pointless, I can never return to Westeros as I have been exiled". There was a resounding silence in the room as the adults eyes bulged. Even their community had exile but it's reserved for only the worst of criminals who they dare not keep in their country like Grindelwald. They were shocked that an 11 year old is facing such a sentence, what could he have possibly done to receive such a punishment.

Madam sprout voiced that which made Jon look out the window in a display of homesickness. "It's a long story, but I suppose I can tell you if your so keen" I said putting my acting skills to the rest. I glanced out of the corner of my eye and noticed several professors nodding their heads like chickens. Even Snape had his gaze locked onto me.

"Alright to begin with it I'll need to explain the structure of Westeros. It is named the Seven kingdoms as well due to how it's structured. Those kingdoms include The north, The Vale of Arryn, The Riverlands, The Westerlands, The iron islands, The Crownlands, The Stormlands, The Reach and Dorne. They are all ruled by a noble family who in turn used to serve one of the two kings.

The kings were the king in the north and the King if the Andals and the first men. Though in my time living there only the King of the Andals remained. There is also another area known as beyond the wall which exists in the north, there existed an order which patrolled the wall blocking off whatever wished to come from beyond, they were known as the Nights watch. I'll get to them later as their important.

There was a civil war raged against the past king of the Andals, he was from the Targaryen family and was known as the mad king due to his insane killing spree. My father and his friend were the ones to slay him, my fathers friend Robert Baratheon took the iron throne, a symbol of the ruler of Westeros.

Trouble began when the king returned to visit my father Eddard Stark, the Starks are the noble family who ruled the north. He wished for my father to become his right hand in ruling as he did not feel safe and wished for his council.

When he came trouble began, his first son had seduced my elder sister Sansa Stark which was the start of her suffering as the prince was a monster in human flesh. My brother Bran was also crippled during their visit as he saw the kings wife Cersei having relations with her brother Jamie. They crippled him and he lost his ability to walk.

My father Eddard chose to take my sisters to the capital Kings landing to learn how they live. During this time I was sentenced to join the nights watch."

A shrill voice cut in "why do you have a different surname than the Starks?"

"Ah it's because at the time I was labelled a bastard. The surname a bastard has depends on where they live, i lives in the north so I was named Jon Snow".

"At the time?" "I'll get to that!" I shouted which caused the others to glare at the person interrupting the story.

"Ehem! Anyway as I was a bastard I was sentenced to join the Nights watch with my uncle Benjen. My father had two brothers and a sister. They were Brandon stark who died, Benjen who served on the watch and Lyanna who died during the civil war.

Eddard had six children; robbert, Sansa, Me, Arya, Bran and Rikkon. Eddard took his daughters to the capital as I mentioned before which was when trouble started. The king was assassinated and using political trickery my father was executed. My sister Arya fled while Sansa remained and was engaged to the crown prince Jeoffrey.

My sister Sansa had to endure a lot stuck in kings landing with the court against her due to her fathers alleged crimes. Her marriage to the price was changed as he fancied another, my sister was wed to his uncle Tyrian Lannister who was a half dwarf".

Professor flitwicks attention increased by 150%. "So during jeoffreys wedding his fiancés grandmother had him poisoned during it. His uncle who served him the cup and my sister were framed for the murder. My sister fled back North while other things brewed.

My brother Robbert United the north and was going to start a civil war, he was assassinated at his wedding along with my step mother Catelyn. Bran and Rikkon went on a divination journey which took them all over the community, they broke off form each other as bran went beyond the wall.

Arya travelled around training her swordsmanship before somehow becoming blind then being trained into an assassin known as a Faceless man. During that time two major things happened. There was a political war occurring in the capital and then the last Targaryen came back to the community, she wished to claim the throne as it was her birthright.

The Targaryen girl brought her three dragons and her armies to slaughter there way to the capital whilst their political battle continued. It ended with Cersei Lannister ruling for a period after her second son and daughter died. She was driven mad after losing her children. So as those two began to fight my battles continued.

After my father sent me away to the Nights watch I began my training. I learned battle magic and refined my swordplay. The nights watch's duty was to prevent anything from coming over the wall and there was some nasty things over there."

Dumbledore couldn't help but ask what was on the other side. I held a Grimm expression "there were people up there called wildlings who were fleeing for their lives from a grave threat. We spent all that time stopping them not realising what they were running from. I thought it was either giants or dire wolves that had formed a massive army. I couldn't have been more wrong until I went beyond the wall myself to see. I'll never forget meeting the white walkers."

Snape then spoke "I've never heard of such a species. What was so scary about them." I looked at them and chuckled "oh this country has them or at least a version of them. White walkers were a type of Inferius that was infused with ice magic. Some of them even held the ability to use battle magic, they retained their combat skills from when they were alive".

Everyone who knew of the species from the previous war against voldemort paled. An army of those?!?!? And they sound even more deadly!

"Naturally after discovering the threat I returned back to warn everyone yet none believed me. They called me a traitor for brining back wildlings and attempted to kill me. I survived though and ventured home where I learned of all that had happened. My home of winterfell had been taken by a family called the Bolton's.

I began a fight to reclaim it, the leader who was named Ramsay Bolton was a vile torturer. He had my youngest brother Rikkon shot by arrows infront of us. I still won that battle despite the heart ache and returned what was due".

The room grew cold as the adults couldn't help but pity me, a boy having to go through that. So I continued the story "so after that battle the families in the north chose to come under me. They crowned me the king in the north. The wildlings that fled with me also chose to follow me. But I didn't care, I was much more worried about the monsters that were coming. I ventured south to find the Targaryen girl.

When we met she was apprehensive off someone claiming to be a king in the north, she wished to be the queen of the Andals and the first men. There was no king in the north before hand. I begged her for assistance against the monsters. Her dragons could help end the threat as they were weak to their flames. Eventually we came to an agreement, her base at the time stood atop a mound of dragon glass.

The three weaknesses of the White Walkers were fire, dragon glass and Valyrian steel. My sword was Valyrian steel as was the iron throne that the king of the Andals sat upon. Still though the number of Daenarys who was the Targaryen girl weren't enough. I chose to hold a conference between everyone of the kingdoms. I couldn't do that without proof though.

So I gathered some mad men who wouldn't mind dying and we ventured beyond the wall to capture a wildling. After some sacrifices we got one, Daenerys cane to rescue us at the cost of one of her dragons. She then understood the fear I had, we held the conference and care before Cersei Lannister who was not pleased with either of us. That was until she saw a white walker almost year out her throat.

We chose to ceasefire and combine our armies to kill the white walkers. They had breached the wall by converting the dragons corpse. The battle was horrifying but in the end we won. Yet still trouble remained.

My friend Samwell Tarly and my brother Bran both came forward with evidence of my origins. I was not a bastard it turned out, my mother was Lyanna Stark and my father was Rhaegar Targaryen. My mother died during child birth so Eddard adopted me. He told his people I was a bastard as if they knew my real name, Aegon Targaryen then I would have been killed.

Daenarys had intended to marry me beforehand as I was recognised as the king in the north so our union would have united the kingdom. But as I was a male Targaryen I had more claim to the throne than her, unrest spread as people assumed that she was stealing it from me. I was actually willing to abdicate it to her yet she wouldn't have it.

So we battled and I killed her, I was arrested and named a Queen slayer. Her armies wanted my head but if I died my armies would have started another conflict. So a new ruler was elected to sort the issue. My brother or should I say cousin Bran Stark who became the strongest wizard of the community during his travels took the throne.

He became the king and formed a council off his own just like how his father was made to join Robert Baratheons. He invited several people that were involved in the calamity. Tyrian Lannister, tyrians friend Bronn, my friend Samwell, Brienne of Tarth who swore an oath to his mother to protect her children and Davos Seaworth who served under Stannis Baratheon (Roberts brother). My two sisters chose to stay with bran as he could not sire an heir due to his disability.

He could not have me killed as it would spark another war, he couldn't send to the nights watch again after I had left it, due to how the wildlings worshipped me he couldn't banish me to the far north, as I was a Targaryen he couldn't send me back to Winterfell in the North and because of Daenarys soldiers I wouldn't be welcomed in the south. Therefore he banished me from the community. I chose to abandon both surnames of Targaryen and Stark as they brought me nothing but ache.

So after I left Westeros I remembered the words of my father and Daenarys who had visited the outside world. They said that I would need to join a wizarding school to fit into the magical society. I journeyed west where I met Mordred. Her family was trying to find her a husband, the Pendragons marry anyone who can defeat them in battle. I challenged her and won which makes us engaged but we can't marry until we're off age. Any questions?"

I was met with resounding silence amongst the room. Even Mordred's jaws were dropped as I basically claimed her as my wife. While I was narrating that story my wounds had healed so I decided to go get some food. No one stopped me after that massive bomb I just dropped. They're not sure if they regret asking about body magic now or not. My Dao of bullshit is truly advanced, someone is bound to have gained enlightenment from that masterpiece.