| pumpkin and whipped cream

And even though you don't mean to hurt me, you keep tearing me apart.

- Shawn Mendes

________________________

- L I L A -

For the whole day at school, everyone avoided me and gave me sympathetic glances every now and then. Even teachers were more lenient towards me since they knew Matthew was my boyfriend.

He was still asleep, and after two weeks in hospital, he wasn't showing any signs of waking up. The doctors were confused since everything was going well, and after the blood transfusion, his vitals were steady and he was showing signs of improvement.

But as soon as I stopped visiting - Mina was there almost everyday and made sure I wasn't allowed in - it was like everything was going downhill. I knew Katherine and Angus were feeling resentment towards me due to the fact Mina had filled them in with what happened, only slightly more twisted.

I didn't want to know what they thought of me, but I was sure they had placed me right next to Vanessa. A cheater who broke Matthew's heart, when I was anything but.

Although, I was different.

Vanessa had only hurt Matthew mentally, but I felt an overriding sense of guilt at the fact that it was my fault that he was in that hospital bed. No matter how many times I'd tell myself it wasn't my fault, and it was Jackson and Greg's, the more I started to believe it was my fault.

I should've been with him.

I should've sat next to him at the party, I should've kissed him and told him how I felt about him, not sat next to Isaac and accidentally kiss him.

Matthew wouldn't want to believe that it was honest mistake because I knew he would be done with all the heartbreak.

Greg and Jackson made an unbelievably stupid mistake of driving whilst under the influence of alcohol, and although they only received DUIs, they were going to get manslaughter charges if Matthew didn't wake up.

Everyone wanted him to wake up.

---

"You did such a great thing," I whispered, glancing at Isaac.

He lifted his head silently, masking his frown with a half-assed smile. "I just want him to be okay, it's been two weeks, imagine if he doesn't—"

"He will," I interrupted, meeting his gaze squarely. "Matthew's not going to give up, Isaac. He has so much to wake up for."

"Like what?" he questioned, sighing. "He may have his family, but his friends are the whole reason he's in the hospital, and he might not even want to see you."

I felt a slight pain in my chest, a frown impairing my facial features. "He has to know it was all a misunderstanding, that I didn't kiss you and it was an accident."

Shrugging, Isaac placed his sandwich down. "We don't know how he's going to feel, we have to talk to him together."

Shaking my head, I caught a flicker of Gloria walking into the cafeteria, a sense of cockiness emanating from her. "You being there would only make him more angry, I have to be the one to talk to him."

As she passed my table, she purposely knocked my drink down, scoffing. A moment passed before I was up on my feet, lunging for her. But, as always, Isaac wrapped his arms around my waist, pulling me back.

"She's not worth it, Lila, leave it."

Gloria grinned a saccharine grin. "Yeah, have lunch with Isaac when your boyfriend is fighting for his life!"

"Stop being so obsessed with Matthew! He's my boyfriend, not yours!"

"But, you haven't visited in two weeks?" she accused, smirking slightly. "If you actually did love him, you wouldn't let Mina get to you."

Frowning, I struggled against Isaac's hold, wanting to lunge for her. "Lila! Stop!" he exclaimed, pulling me out of the cafeteria. "This is what she wants! She wants a reaction out of you, don't give it to her."

Running a hand through my hair, I sniffed. "She's always provoking me," I could feel my eyes water out of anger. "I don't care if she doesn't like me, but she keeps messing up my relationship with Matthew, like, when is she going to realise that she should just move on."

Isaac frowned and pulled me to his chest. "She's exactly like Vanessa, Lila. She doesn't know when to back off, and would rather mess with people more."

"Whatever," I wiped my eyes, stepping back from his embrace. "I'm just going to skip, and visit Matthew."

Isaac was silent for a moment before he frowned. "I know this is a really bad time, but I don't think it's a good idea for us to hang out anymore." He rubbed the back of his neck, and gave me a watery smile. "It's only going to make things worse, so when this whole thing blows over, we can be friends again."

Wow, it felt like he was breaking up with me.

Silently, I shrugged, proceeding to head towards the parking lot. As I sat in my car alone, my phone began to rang, Katherine's caller ID displayed on my phone. Picking up, I felt hope return to me, and a grin climb its way to my features. "Lila! Matthew's awake!"

---

Walking into his hospital room, he was resting upwards, his head leaned back as he breathed softly. Quietening my footsteps, I took a seat on the chair beside him, intertwining our fingers.

He brought his head forward, confusion flashing across his scratched face. They were beginning to heal, but there were a huge amount of scratches on his face. "Who's it?"

I guessed he would be able to tell from holding my hand, but he had been unconscious for two weeks, and probably had to readjust again. "It's Lila."

Opposite to the reaction I was hoping I would get, his face fell and he yanked his hand from mine. "I don't want to see you, Lila. Get out."

He had never used that tone with me, and I felt my chest constricting painfully. "Matthew, please." I pleaded, feeling my eyes water as he scooted further away from me.

"No. Leave before I say something I'll regret." His face was void of any emotion it used to hold when it came to me, and his lips were turned down into a hurt frown. "You have nothing to say to me."

"I do," I objected, reaching for his hand again. "I didn't kiss Isaac, Matthew. It's all a misunderstanding."

Matthew scoffed and wedged his hand under the covers. "No it isn't, you kissed him at the same party I was at, and you knew it would break my heart."

His bottom lip trembled and he ducked his head down, silent cries emitting from him. "You broke my heart even when I asked you not to."

"Isaac went to kiss my cheek, I just turned my head at the wrong time." I stated hopelessly, absolutely hating myself for making him feel like this.

"He shouldn't have kissed your cheek, Lila!" he exclaimed angrily, biting his lips to stop the trembling. "You were my girlfriend, not his." He raised his head, and ran a hand through his disheveled hair. "You did the exact same thing Vanessa did."

Were. I never knew how much one word could hurt me so much.

"I don't want Isaac, Matthew." I countered, feeling the tears roll down my face and my heart break into tiny, little pieces. "I want you, I've always wanted you."

"I've wanted you since the day I first met you," he confessed, sniffing. "But—"

"—But nothing," I intervened, desperately not wanting to hear the words he was about to say. "Matthew, I want to be with you, I don't want us to break up."

He whimpered as he leaned forward, meeting me halfway and locking our lips. My heart pumped against my chest once his lips moved against mine, shaky breaths falling from him. His shoulders were trembling as he cupped my face with one hand and deepened the kiss.

"I love you," he whispered against my lips, pulling back slowly. My hand cradled his jaw, and I gave him a too short kiss. "Which makes what I'm going to do so much harder."

"Matthew, no." My heart plummeted, and the exhilarating feeling those three words gave me rapidly disappeared.

"We're done, Lila." He sounded crushed, and released a sob. "I'm breaking up with you." He moved his face away from my hand, directing his gaze elsewhere.

I never realised it before, but I was hopelessly in love with Matthew, and him breaking up with me was soul-crushing. "M-Matthew y-you're misunderstanding. P-please don't d-do this."

He covered his face with his hand, his shoulders shaking with the harsh sobs. "I h-have to," he cried, avoiding my touch. "Y-you broke my heart, and I really don't want to break yours, but I can't be with you."

"Matthew." I whimpered, not bothering to wipe the tears that kept falling. "Why are you making it so hard?"

His head snapped up and his faded grey eyes focused on me. "I'm not making it hard, Lila. You knew how I felt about you hanging out with Isaac, but you did it anyway, and you knew I didn't want to lose you to him." He clutched onto his hair, his face contorting with sadness. "I'm blind, Lila. You couldn't have expected our relationship to be smooth sailing."

"You haven't lost me, I'm right here. You're deliberately pushing me away."

Quickly wiping his eyes, he sunk his teeth into his bottom lip and breathed shakily before he stopped crying. "Lila, it's best if you just leave."

Standing up, I sat at the edge of his bed, desperately connecting our lips. "I love you, Matthew." I muttered brokenly, feeling him fight against me.

He gripped both my wrists weakly with his good arm, allowing me to kiss him one last time before he gently pried me off him. "This is on you, Lila. You did this to us."

His words killed me, my heart feeling as if collapsed in on itself. I felt like I couldn't breathe, and although he hurt me terribly, my dimmed green eyes held love when I glanced at him for the last time.

He was right. I ruined us.

Finding the strength to leave, I bumped into a hard chest at the threshold of the door. Glancing up, the man held so much resemblance to Matthew that I came to the conclusion he was his older brother.

His grey eyes looked down at me, his gaze flickering between Matthew and I. Slipping past him, I weakly wiped the tears away, and tried my upmost best to make it to my car in one piece.

We were never the same again.