25 | pear and cardamom

Say you'll remember me.

- Wildest Dreams, Taylor Swift

________________________

- L I L A -

Matthew leaned against the wall with a lazy smile painted across his face, his new white cane pressed against his leg. "Morning," he greeted, a melancholy expression on his face.

I could understand his frustration, since it had been two days since we agreed to being friends. Albeit missing his touch, I felt calm in his presence.

That along with the fact that I was madly in love with him.

I knew it didn't make any sense, but the whole reason I demoted our relationship status was because of what Katherine had said.

'He has to know that he'll be okay without you.'

I knew I was his anchor; keeping him grounded throughout everything that happened to him. I made it clear that his blindness didn't change anything, and that us being friends didn't mean I thought any less of him.

"Morning," I responded softly, wrapping my arms around his neck to bring him into a hug. He couldn't move his arms around me, but he nuzzled his nose into my hair.

"My mum is still thinking about moving," he mumbled as we made our way to my car. "And it doesn't help that my dad is getting a new job."

Frowning, I opened my car door as Matthew slid into his seat. "We have, like, a month and a half left until graduation. Have you spoke to them about your college acceptance?"

Wincing, he adjusted his seatbelt. "Yeah, we've only lived here for nearly a year, I can't imagine that they actually want to move."

Starting up the car, I threw a glance to him as a pained expression climbed onto his face. Furrowing my eyebrows, I stopped the car at his quiet grunt. "Are you okay?"

His gaze flickered in my direction, and he tried to lift his shirt up. His buttons, however, were stopping him. "I-I think my wound has reopened," a deep warmth flooded his cheeks. "Can you help me?"

There was a brief, unsettling silence before I began unfastening my seatbelt, sliding to the edge of my seat as I tried to keep my butterflies at bay. Reaching for his shirt, I began to undo his buttons, keeping my eyes anywhere but on his.

His skin was a light tan colour, and I tried desperately to not make a sound. "I c-can't really see it from here," I mumbled sheepishly, slowly moving closer to him over the clutch.

I felt his hand wander to my waist as I straddled one of his legs. Peeking a glance at his small smirk, I couldn't help but laugh. "Shut up."

"I didn't say anything," he smiled softly, waiting patiently as I finished unbuttoning his flannel.

Having to push his shirt off one shoulder, I took a look to where his spleen was located, seeing blood seep through his torn stitches. "What the hell did you do?"

"I nearly fell in the shower, but I didn't think that would actually open my stitches," he winced as I tried to locate any cloth to press to his wound.

Almost whimpering, Matthew attempted to not move as blood tainted his skin. Leaning back, I took off my tank top, blushing as I was left in a black bralette. Bunching the material, I pressed it against his wound, reaching for his hand and replacing mine with his.

"Hold it tight, so I can get you to the hospital."

Climbing back into my seat, I grabbed my jacket from the back and shrugged it on before sending the car into ignition. Taking a plethora of glances at him as I drove, I felt one hand gravitate towards his and press against the one situated atop of my top.

"Thank you," he quietly murmured, a few strands of his dark hair falling across his forehead. "You're more than I could ever ask for."

______

"See?" Matthew gave me a charming smile, his grey eyes lightened with an emotion I knew all too well. "I'm okay."

I smiled softly, laughing momentarily. "After 7 hours," I stepped towards him and wrapped my arms around his neck before easing him into a gentle hug. "How about we get something to eat?"

He grunted quietly and slung his arm across my waist. "I'm absolutely starving." He chuckled as he pulled back, biting his lip softly. "How about the bakery?"

"You have such a sweet tooth." I grinned up at him as he mirrored my expression unknowingly.

"Only for very sweet things," he cheekily commented, his hand accidentally brushing mine.

Being just friends with him was harder than I thought it would be. I wanted his touch, but I knew I couldn't have it because I would be unfairly stringing him along.

"I don't work there anymore, so no discounts for us," I frowned loosely, sighing. I had quit my job the day Matthew was hospitalised because I knew I couldn't handle anything extra on my plate.

"That's fine," he grinned lazily, perching his glasses on his nose. "I'm paying."

"I'd argue with you, but-"

"-you know I'm not going to let you." He gave me a sly grin, and at my silence, widened it. "Glad to know we have an understanding, Lila."

Returning back to my car, I gave Matthew one watery smile before I put the engine in ignition, driving to the place we first met.

"Matthew." He stated warmly. "My name's Matthew."

The air was filled with nothing but the ragged hum of the engine. With numerous glances to Matthew, I couldn't help the hammering of my heart against my chest. "When did you start liking me?"

Caught off guard, Matthew swallowed audibly. "The second you asked if I was deaf." He turned his head and bit his lip as he grinned nostalgically. "When I started loving you?"

I stopped at the red light, giving him every piece of my attention.

"The second you gave me your shoulder to cry on." His grin faltered and he directed his gaze to the window. "I fell in love with you because you made me feel alive. Even with all my flaws, you never once made me feel depressed about my blindness, instead, you gave me a reason to embrace it."

It was me who then reached for his hand, intertwining my fingers with his to feel his warmth...his love.

"You love all of me," he declared quietly, taking a short breath. "My blindness, my flaws-everything. That's why I love you; I love you because you make me feel alive even though almost every part of me is dead inside."

"You're amazing, Matthew." I breathed softly, squeezing his hand momentarily.

"And you're beautiful, Lila."

He took his hand from mine, shrugging feebly. "Why do you love me?"

I couldn't say that I was caught off guard, because I knew that question was coming, and all I could do was be honest.

"I love you because, before everything went wrong, you made me happy." He smiled happily at that, a warm red flooding his cheeks. "Maybe it was your charm, kindness and ability to see the good in everyone, but I fell for you hard."

He laughed lightly and slid his glasses from his face. "Well, I can be charming most of the time."

"I love you because you're you."

He exhaled slowly, a flicker of pain flashing across his face. I continued driving towards the bakery, but opted to park in a supermarket's lot. He didn't ask anymore questions, but by the way his fingers were shaking, I knew he was itching to ask more.

"I have one question." He broke the silence, tensing his jaw before loosening it in defeat. "What's your real reason for breaking up with me? I know it's not because you want to be just friends, there's a reason."

Slowly, a pregnant pause descended upon us, my head touching the steering wheel. "You're not going to like my answer."

He sighed forcefully and let out a humourless laugh. "I'm already heartbroken, so kicking me when I'm down isn't going to do much."

Closing my eyes, I curled my hands around the steering wheel and squeezed. "It's because you have to know you'll be okay without me, that you don't need me."

"Of course I don't need you." He countered agitatedly. "I already know what it feels like to not be with you, considering we were friends before. But that doesn't mean that I don't want you, because I do, I want you so much it hurts."

Sitting back, I stared at him for a few moments before leaning towards him. It was as if he knew I was close because as soon as my lips grazed his, he turned his head.

"As much as I want to kiss you," he spoke so quietly, closing his eyes. "Friends don't kiss."

Friends don't kiss.