1 Chapter one ~ 1 year ago

I was eating a slice of pizza, or to be more honest, it was my third slice. I was full but there was only 2 bites left. I might as well finish it and not waste it. Especially since on Monday, again, i would try to eat healthy and clean. I chomped on it and swallowed, then washed it down with the last few gulps of my diet coke.

It honestly didn't taste as good as the first few bites.

"I'm stuffed" Ria says as she wipes her mouth with a tissue.

My best friend ate one slice of a pizza, a cookie, a fruit cup and a coke. And yet, unbelievably, she's thin. For as long as i could remember, Ria had always been naturally slim and fit. Her tummy is flat, she has a thigh gap, a defined jawline and her skin is as soft and smooth as a baby's butt.

Without. Makeup.

The only time I've seen a pimple on her face before was the first time she got her period and when she first discovered that she was allergic to papaya, which made her break out for 2 days.

"you read my mind" i laugh as i pat my belly. which was more like fat, which is soft and jiggly.

I'm not really FAT, I'm more like skinny fat. I've been 'skinny' fat all my life and it's damn annoying. Especially when everyone else around you can diet and be skinny and you fail at literally every diet that exists.

"common, we should head to class" she says as she gathers her stuff. I do the same.

she dumps her left overs in the trash and then we put away the tray. How can she resist the urge to not finish every piece of food in front of her? I certainly can't.

The next class was history, then French. Which Ria snacked on a big bag of Doritos, which soon i was also chomping on. We finished it by the end of the school day.

Thank god it was Friday.

Ria gave me a ride home, like always, which was a lot of fun since we sang 'what's my name' by Rihanna the whole way at the top of our lungs. Ria, or Iriadna, which is her full name, has been my best friend since we were babies. Our moms are best friends and she is basically my sister. Kind of like a novel or movie. Iriadna had platinum blond blond hair with sterling silver eyes and was just that pretty friend. If we were sister's, she would be the pretty sis. My only feature that i considered to be lucky to have was the blue eyes i got from my dad. Me and ria spent lots of times trying to figure out what colour they actually were. We thought of sky blue at first, then baby blue, then pacific blue. Eventually we decided on ocean ice blue. Because it was a pale shade but sometimes seamed darker under certain lights. So we thought the ocean fit, because it could be light and darker.

We had the most fun deciding and talking about little random things like that.

Normally we would go to whichever house our mom's were hanging out at. which is usually mine. but today ria had her yearly dentists checkup so she left for that.

"byeee don't forget to bring me your signature blueberry scone thingy tomorrow!" she reminds me. We were going to go on a shopping marathon that started at 10am. And I said I would bake some scones for the ride to the big mall. Not the small one 9 min away by car, the big one, which was 40 min away and had literally everything and every single store you could think of. It was our tradition for the weekends

"of course Iriadna Thalia Robbinson" i joke

"and make me a cup of coffee while your at it, Klarisse-Snow rose Teresi"

"cinnabon creamer, whipped cream and extra icey" i nod as i tip my invisible old fashioned hat.

"yes m'am" she laughes as she drives away and and we wave goodbye.

----------

"hey mom" i walk into the kitchen. Mom is fixing Percy, my little brother, a snack.

"Hey mango" i pick up my puppy, kissing her head.

"hey Kleo, where's Ria?" she asks

"she had a dentist appointment"

"oh yes, I forgot"

"hey dummy" I laugh as I Pat Percy's head.

"hey! who you callin a dummy? " he holds his two little fists up at me.

I laugh at how cute my lil brother is when he's all tough.

"is dad coming back early today?" dad is a doctor so his schedule is very random and inconsistent.

"oh yes, some friends are coming over for dinner so your father will definitely be here" she replies.

"oh who are they?" normally mom would just refer her friends by their first name.

"One of my best friends from college is visiting from new York City. She used to babysit you when you were small" Oh, i struggle to remember who she is. I wonder why she left to new york.

"oh ok, I'm going to do some homework upstairs"

"ok Kleo, their coming at 6pm so be ready by then! I think you'll like her" she smiles at me.

I grab a chocolate milk box from the fridge and head up to my room.

----------

Home work is easy, like always. I'm not bragging I've just always been a fast learner. It comes in handy.

Around 5pm I'm done everything and decide to just relax by watching some YouTube videos.

Is it sad how all you see when you open my YouTube app is weight loss videos or vlogs? I think it's supposed to inspire me or something to lose weight.

But since the last 3 years since I started dieting, I've been on this stupid roller coaster and fail each time.

Oh! except that one time in grade nine when I just ate really little and lost like 9 pounds in 2 weeks. My family complimented on how my face looked slimmer and it gave me a lot of confidence.

I tried to redo that diet last year, but just failed miserably and I ended up eating a whole tub of peanut butter chocolate chip ice cream in my room at 10pm.

Every since then I've been telling myself to drink more more water, eat less and eat healthy.

it works for about 1 week then I give up in the weekend and try to start again the next week.

But for some odd reason, I always end up gaining weight.

----------

At around 5:50, i woke up to my mom ordering my dad and brothers around downstairs.

Oh shit, i planned to wake up 20 minutes ago. I hurry to brush my messy long black hair, tying it up into a perfect messy bun. I smudged some bb cream and concealer on my biggest pimples. Mascara, a light eyeliner to elongate my eye and a tinted coral lip balm.

I didn't know what to wear.

"mom! what do i wear!?" i screamed from the top of the staircase railing.

"wear that black dress aunt Mare bought you! And hurry up!" she screamed back.

Oh no, no no no. That black dress was so tight and short i did not feel comfortable in it at all. Especially with my chubby legs. After 5 minutes of pacing back and forth in my closet. I finally decided to cover it up with an oversized cream colored cardigan and buttoned its big buttons up halfway. I slipped on some jewelry and hurried downstairs.

They were already here, i could hear all the talking and commotion as i walked down, desperately pulling my dress down with each step.

"oh my lord! Is that--?" a tall, slim women is a royal dark blue business suit held her hands over her mouth.

"Klarisse-Snow come baby, meet my bestie Octavia!" mom smiled

"hi Octavia" i greeted

"hello again my little Kleo" she laughed as she pulled me into a hug. She smelled of lavender and honey... why was it so familiar?

"do you remember me? i used to babysit you and your friend all the time before i left to new york!"

I knew i had a really great babysitter when i was younger, i just never remembered who or why they left. Maybe that was Octavia? She looked alot like ruby rose or Kristen Stewart with short hair.

"i think so! You taught me baking!" my response sounded more like a question

"yes! oh my, you've grown sooo much!" she cupped my cheeks with her two hands. I felt very much like a little baby at this point.

"ok, shall we?" my mom askes her.

"oh yes, lets" she lets go and they laugh all the way to the kitchen.

"Klarisse this is Peter" my dad greets a man also in royal blue business suit

"hello young lady, I'm Octavia's fiance" he smiles, he looked like a good man.

"hi, I'm Klarisse" I smile back.

"Klarisse go get Percy an apple juice, make sure he doesn't make trouble" my dad instructs.

Yes, dad is a very chill, and professional person.

"ok" I do what he asks and then chill beside Percy, reading online comics.

And yes, before you ask. Me and Percy were named after the Percy Jackson movies. My mom when she was pregnant got addicted to Percy Jackson and everything about it. She read the books, the movies and even the comics. Percy was obviously names after Percy Jackson, and i was names and Clarisse La Rue. Except mom added a twist to the name and turned the C into a K. The only reason i wasn't named Annabeth was because mom's frenemy, was also named Annabeth.

"wow! a dress" Mathew, my big brother asks surprised.

"shut up Matt" i hiss back. Oh poor me, what have i done in my past life to be punished with not ONE, but TWO annoying brothers?

"hey i'm only saying it cause you rarely" he stopped for a second to think. "well, NEVER wear a dress actually"

"and your point is?"

"my point is, is that it doesn't look that bad" He sips on his orange crush.

I kick him, making him cough on his soda. Not gonna lie, that felt good hahaha.

"hey hey ok ok, anyways do you remember her?" he sits down beside me

"kind of, i'm pretty sure she's the one who first taught me to bake"

"huh, i think she taught me basketball, or at least how to double dunk"

"really?" i'm surprised, well...not THAT much. Her short hair totally gives it away that she's a tomboy.

"yup" he nods.

----------

The rest of the night did not fly by. The grownups talked for what seamed like hours, and finally at 7:30pm, dinner was served. It might seam like a very late dinner, but it was actually a normal dinner time for us. Probably because that's around the time when dad arrives home.

Dinner was barbeque. I ate 2 sausages, some barbequed bell peppers, barbecued pineapples and a sprite soda. We ate outside around a warm fire in the middle of spring, because that's what Octavia wanted. She said it was nice to eat like this surrounded by nature and not always in restaurants or surrounded by work.

During dinner she told us a lot about her life in new York. Apparently, 11 years ago she moved to New York because of the job offer for a growing company. She works as a business women in New York with a pretty higher-than-average status (i totally forgot what her position name was). She came back to visit because she wanted to let her parents meet her fiancé and to personally invite all her friends here to her wedding next year.

During dessert, which was smores and hot cocoa, Octavia came to sit with me on the canopy couch.

"Hey Kleo" she smiled as she sat down

"hi"

"im surprised you remembered that i taught you the greatness of baking" she joked

"haha how could i forget" i laughed. Normally talking to people that i don't really know would make me feel really nervous, but it felt so natural to be around Octavia. Almost like she was an older sister.

"im glad, its a fantastic way to relieve stress. So, your 16 now?" she asked

"mhm" i nodded

"that's a nice age, i remember when i was soo young. all i wanted was to help my dad around the office and make money"

"really?"

"yep, but i was too young, and he wanted me to study law"

"ohh, but you wanted to be a successful business women"

"mhm, i did, i didn't achieve my dream until 20 years later"

"but you did it"

"yes i did." we both paused to munch on smores. It was soo calm, the sun was sinking and the sky was melting into deeper shades of orange and pink. The breeze was a bit chilly so i pulled out the fuzzy blanket beside. I felt much warmer instantly.

"so what's your dream?" She asked casually

"i do have a dream, i just don't think it will happen" i smile

"oh common, tell me and ill tell you if i think its possible or not" she nudged me

"mmm ok, well i really want to open a bakery café with lots of books inside so customers can read and eat and drink"

"kid that totally possible! i thought you were gonna say that you wanted to be in the next Harry Potter movie or something" she laughed

"hahaha i would also LOVE to do that too!"

"same here girl!" we started giggling

"anyways, it is very possible you know. I've seen your talent for baking and now all you need is baking school!"

"and money" i laughed

"ahh don't worry about money, you'll find the money somewhere or another"

"i suppose so"

"well i know so!"

"you know kid, i'll be around in town for a few weeks at least, we could find a few days to do something"

"yes, i think we can do that"

"good" we smiled and sipped on more cocoa. my marshmallows were starting to melt so i quickly ate those.

Octavia had already eaten 3 smores and on her second cup of hot cocoa, and yet she was slimmer than me! I really did not understand why i could not be like that!

"what's wrong kid" she turned to ask me

"what?" i asked surprised

"i know that look, something has definitely been on your mind and you don't know who to ask"

i stare at her, more like gawking actually

"how-how" i stutter, how did she get that from like 5 seconds of me looking at my cup of hot cocoa and eating marshmallows.

"ha kid, i know that look because i've been there. so what is it" she leans forward

"well....well, i can't its too dumb" how do i tell her i wanna be thin but fail without looking like a total loser?

"well if it has been on your mind for a while i don't think it can be too dumb. and i know you're a smart kid. You get straight A's!"

"did my mom-"

"mhm yep" she laughs. Oh well, can't escape now, and i DO kind of wanna tell someone. I take a deep breath and start telling her.

"well basically you know that time when you start to... you know... notice your weight and stuff? and you start comparing?" i looked over to her, expecting some typical cheesy reply like 'oh don't compare! everyone is special!' answer. But she didn't say anything and just raised her eye brows encouraging me to go on.

"well i had always been skinny fat. Not fat, not skinny, but not completely chubby. Some people say its a normal weight for growing teen girls, i know that, but i don't wanna be like that. I wanna be slim and be able to wear skirts and bikinis and shorts without feeling ashamed you know? So about 3 years ago i started to research diets and ways to lose weight. I tried sooo many diets. Like keto, egg diet, protein only diet, veggie only diet, and so many more. I drank tons of water, did my workouts, but I've just never been happy with any results! I can only do it for like 1 week MAX and then i just, i just can't anymore! I see people eat junk and their so slim! But me? NO, its like god has doomed me to be fat all my life! I'm so tired of it and everything i just, i just don't even know what i should do anymore!" After i was done, i looked over to Octavia. She wasn't distracted, tired or even slightly annoyed. She actually looked like she could understand!?

"Klarisse, i know how you feel, 100%. Im not just saying this because its just so cliche. im saying it because when i was younger i've also been skinny fat and did what you have done"

"what? really?" how though? she's like model body!

"mhm. Right now what's happening, Klare, is that your in the diet cycle. You diet then binge and end up coming back heavier. Right?"

"yes exactly"

"that's because you don't diet because you binged, you actually binged because you dieted. When you deprive your self of everything you want to eat, it's only natural for your body to say 'ok guys, she's gonna start not eating again soon, lets eat everything we can before that happens!' That's why you feel the intense urge on weekends to eat literally everything in sight." she explained.

"oh"

"yeah. Eating is sort of like going to the bathroom. You only go to the bathroom when you feel that your bladder is full. You don't go when you don't feel it, that's just weird right?" i nod

"so eating is the same. You should only go eat when you feel hungry. That's your body talking to you. Diets wreck your relationship with food because it tells you all kinds of weird crap like 'eat oatmeal! eat salad! sugar is bad! don't eat after 7! you can't have cookies! This will make you gain weight! you should eat at 12 pm for lunch! space out your lunch by 4 hours! eat slowly!'. they try to tell you what to do when you should actually just listen to your own body! notice the signals of your own body! and humans don't actually need that much food!"

"wait really?" i was genuinely surprised.

"yeah. When i first started to ignore the diet mentality and just listened to my own hunger, i ended up eating less. That's because your body was telling me 'this is enough thankyou!' and i felt full."

"ohh" that, actually made alot of sense

"mhm, and honestly, food tastes so much better when you listen to what your body is asking when its hungry"

"that's true" i remembered how the greatness of the pizza at lunch faded after a while

"right!?"

"yeah. So all you did to get slim is listen to your own body?"

"yes. When you ditch the inner diet mentality voice, i felt so much happier! every single food was open for me to eat! yes i could eat everything but i only ate what i felt like and when my hunger was here. You know, diets just make you afraid of hunger, when you should actually be soo happy that its here!"

"why?"

"because why eat something that's just 'meh' and feel bad about it when you can have what your body actually wants and it tastes awesome?"

"that's true"

"and here's a line i always love; everything is fattening when your not hungry. but nothing is fattening when you are"

"hmm, that cool" i liked that

"yes and trust me, when you satisfy your body's taste buds, it will leave you alone and stop making you want to eat everything"

"i want to do that"

"then do it!"

"how?"

"well, lets start right now, ill help you"

"ok"

"so look at that hot cocoa in your hand" i did

"stay in the present and don't think about if you will want it later or anyhting. Ignore any trend or any urge to do what everyone else is doing around you."

"ok"

"RIGHT NOW, are you hungry?"

"um im not sure" i felt a little bit empty in my stomach, but how could i still be hungry after how much i ate?

"that's ok. hunger comes in all kinds of signals, not only if your stomach is growling. Is your mouth watery? is your stomach full? are you satisfied?"

"i'm not that satisfied, so i don't think i'm fully full"

"ok good. now, IN THIS MOMENT, RIGHT NOW, look at your cup and do you feel like tasting the hot chocolate? will it taste really good? does your body feel like drinking it?"

i look at the brown liquid in my cup, i know how it tastes, but i don't REALLY feel like sweet liquid right now

"not really"

"good good, that's good progress. your body is telling you that it doesn't really feel like it, so ask it what it DOES want"

i take a few second to think and feel my tastes buds. i don't want sweet, not salty, i want something crunchy though, something refreshing. like...like... wait WHAT!? how can that be right?

i want veggies? i CRAVE veggies?

"VEGGIES?"

"ah ha! Your body is telling you that it wants veggies! that's why your craving it!

"whoaa" i can't even remember the last time i wanted real actually veggies!?

"mind blowing right?"

"yeah, i can't believe it!"

"wait here one sec, ill brb" she left to the fire place, then came back a few seconds later.

"here" she held out mini yellow bell pepper.

Instantly, my mouth started to water and i could imagine biting into something cold refreshing and crunchy.

i took it and crunched a bite.

"that tastes soo good! how???" veggies has literally never tasted this good... EVER!

"i told ya! its what your body was ACTUALLY asking you!"

i continued to crunch on the fresh bell peppers and sipped of ice water.

It felt so damn good.

-----

Before they left, Octavia added me on social media and we exchanged phone numbers. She said she would help me with this new way with food and said i could ask her questions whenever i wanted.

That night, for the first time in a while, i went to sleep satisfied and happy with myself.

-----

Changing my mindset and relationship with food took time, more then 6 months to make it a habit of some sort. I started to only eat when i was hungry and ate only what i felt like. and slowly by slowly ( i mean extremely slowly, like only 5 pounds a month) i started to slim down. My skin had also started to improve. The year almost felt like a glow up.

Of course, Ria quickly caught on to what i was doing and supported me in everything and did not once judge me. Even when it was lunch and my body was telling me i felt like eating peanut butter with banana's and wonton. She even bought me skincare products and taught me how to use them to help with my pimples. Soon, my skin cleared up and I'm so happy to have Ria.

Basically, within one year, my life was changed. I was slim and confident and felt good with my relationship with food.

For a while, everything was peaceful and calm, until Octavia's wedding rolled along.

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