4 Chapter 3: Genesis

"We already miss you, Gen. Please come back."

My heart clenched so bad. I tried to ignore this emotions but I cannot. His voice… I could feel his longing. Their longing.

They miss me?

But they should not. I hurt them all. I hurt them by leaving. And they also hurt me. They hurt me by feeding me lies.

We have hurt each other so bad.

I felt him walking towards me and I stiffened. I tried to walk away but he held my wrist.

“Gen,” he pleaded. He slowly tugged my hand to face him. His emotions were bared in his own eyes. For the first time in a few years, I saw Dimitri again in this state.

Sorrowful. Full of guilt. Pleading.

"I understand that you're mad because it's my fault, Genesis. But I am hoping that you forgive me. This is already too much. Let’s end this, please.”

We were taught to forgive those who have wronged us. It is written in the Bible. It is a testament of God’s love to us. If God has forgiven us for the sins we have committed, then why can’t we do it to other people?

But that’s what makes us human. We sin. We hate. We don’t easily forgive.

Every time I remember them, I want to forget everything that has happened. I want us to start over again. But at the same time, remembering them makes these healing wounds fresh over and over again. It just hurts too much to easily forget about it.

“I don’t know, Dimitri.” I said and looked at him. “I don’t think I am capable of forgiving you anymore. It just hurts too much.”

I hurt him with what I just said. I saw it on how he lets go of my hand. I saw it in his eyes and how a tear trickled down his cheek.

I turned around as quickly as my tears fell down. The pain is as fresh as the day I found out what had happened. It was never gone.

Just when I thought I could be a just servant of the Lord, where I could love and accept everyone in spite of all the pain they had caused me…

I really am just a human.

I arrived home with those thoughts still linger in my mind. I am glad that I have friends like Trinity who could understand me in my silence.

Trinity bought some chicharon and some bottles of beer. She opened a bottle for me. I tried to decline but no is not an option to her.

“Yooo, Sister Gen you don’t always have to be so uptight.”

I sighed. “Sorry.”

“And can you stop saying sorry? It’s not like you’re a saint doing intercessory prayers for all the sinners in the world.” She rolled her eyes and chugged on her bottle of beer. “Wooh! That feels nice. I miss drinking.”

“Are you okay, Gen?” my mom asked. I smiled at her and nodded.

“Just tired.” I said and Trinity threw a small chunk of chicharon at me.

"Liar.” Trinity rolled her eyes again. “You know, you’re right. Why don’t you keep on saying sorry for all the lies you’re telling us?”

“Trinity.” Mom said with a warning in her voice. Trinity just snickered and ate some chicharon. I sighed and massaged my temple. If this is just an ordinary say, our bickering will not stop until Trinity surrenders. But no. There’s so much stuff happened in just a day. I don’t have the energy for some humors.

My mother fidgeted on her seat. “Are you getting tired of me?”

“What? Of course, not!” I immediately answered. “Why are you saying such things?”

"Genesis, you should go back to the convent and stop working for my sake.”

“We are not having this conversation again.” I said with finality.

Yes, I want to continue my vocation to become a nun. But I cannot let my mom suffer alone. I can’t take my solemn vows if my mind is not focused on serving God alone. I cannot give half a heart to my Lord. And I cannot do that while my mother is gravely ill.

We might be struggling to face this problem right now but I know that everything is according to our Lord’s plan. Everything has a reason, a purpose. And just because we do not know the reason doesn’t mean we should stop looking for it.

Trinity cleared her throat, sensing the tension between us. “I think you should take a rest now, Nanay. Staying up too late is bad for your health. And this chicharon, too,” she smiled and looked at me. “Right, Gen?”

I nodded and smiled. “Trins is right. It’s getting late.”

I know that Nanay still wanted to say something, but she nodded anyway.

"Gen,” said Trinity when mom is already in her room.

"Oh?" I said and drank on my beer.

“Dimitri and I… we talked.”

“Then?”

“He said that he’s leaving.”

“Where to?” My brows furrowed and drank again on my bottle of beer. “And why are you telling me this? I don’t care if he’s having a vacation or not.”

Trinity kept quiet. I continued and shrugged.

“Doesn’t bother me if you guys still have connection, though. I mean, you are still friends, after all.”

Trinity shook her head. “Not like that, Gen.” She sighed. “He’s leaving. For good.”

I was stunned and confused at the same time. “What?”

“Maybe that’s the reason why he keeps on offering you the job. He really wants to help you. He is entrusting you the company. And besides, after all this time he decided to talk to me about you.” Trinity explained. “He’s serious, Gen.”

I felt guilty. Is that the real reason why he wanted to talk to me earlier? I shove him away, not knowing that he's already leaving?

"How…” I’m lost for words. I swallowed a lump in my throat. “How about Third?”

“I don’t know,” she sighed and looked at me with such tender in her onyx eyes. “It’s time for all of you to talk, Gen.”

“I- I don’t think I can.”

She looked at me sincerely. “It doesn’t matter if you can or cannot do it. You should do it. Because it’s the right thing to do.”

---

The days have passed and I still haven’t made up my mind. But I needed to focus on some important matters right now.

The Youth of St. Paul, our church group, is busy preparing for today’s anticipated mass. Being the President of the group, I needed to make sure that everything is properly done before the mass starts.

I observed around the church. Some parishioners are already coming, looking for seats. Some church-goers are already praying. The choir, also lead by out group, is practicing the songs for the mass. The altar servers meticulously put at the altar the things needed by the priest.

Meanwhile, Trinity and her cousin Beca are sitting on the farthest pew of the church. The Lay Ministers were standing behind them, waiting for the priest to arrive.

I checked the time. There’s 10 minutes left before Angelus and everything is already set. I massaged my temple.

This is my routine every Saturday but I am getting stressed. There are so many things in my head right now and I can’t helo thinking about it.

My mom. Our finances. Dimitri. My vocation.

I sighed, closed my eyes and said a silent prayer.

Help me get through this, Oh Lord.

After that I went to where Trinity and Beca were sitting.

Beca yawned. “I’m still sleepy.”

“Lucky that you still woke up. Others have not.”

Beca rolled her eyes at her cousin. “Shut up.”

Trinity snickered. “What? I’m just telling the truth.”

Here comes their constant bickering.

“Why do you always have the urge to be a smartass?”

“Sshh,” I warned. “Not here.”

Beca sheepishly smiled. “Sorry.” Trinity stuck her tongue out. Such a child, this one.

“By the way, it’s nice to see Nanay going to mass again,” said Trinity and looked at where my mom was sitting. I nodded and smiled.

“Took lots of encouragement, though.” I remarked. Ever since my mother discovered that she has cancer, she lost hope. She was confused and angry. Especially to our Creator.

I always remind her that everything has a reason. And our God does not give battles that we cannot overcome. But it took time for her to believe again.

I am glad that she is coming back.

The priest came. We took our designated places as we wait for the Angelus. When the church bell rang, everybody stood up to pray.

As I closed my eyes, Trinity nudged me.

“Look. Job’s here,” she whispered and giggled.

My heart leapt for some unknown reason.

“He’s looking at us, oh my. I think he has a crush on me,” she added.

“We’re praying,” I reprimanded. She snickered and stopped talking. I sighed. Why does she have to be noisy everytime?

Beca said the introduction to the mass after Angelus. The choir started singing and the procession started.

When we proceeded to our seats, Trinity nudged me again. I scowled at her but she pointed her lips to where Job is.

“Look! He’s really handsome.” She’s suppressing her squeal. She’s keeping on nudging me so I had no choice but to look at him.

Our eyes met.

“I’m glad he’s single. I have a chance hoho.”

My brows furrowed. “Single?”

Our little gossip was cut off when the priest started.

"We are gathered her today in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit…”

I’m glad our conversation ended. I need to focus.

--

The mass took over an hour to finish. I approached my mom and kissed her cheek. We are now in the function hall outside the church.

“We still have a bible study after this. Don’t wait up for me. You sleep early, okay?”

She nodded and smiled. “Thank you, Gen. For everything.”

I was taken aback. I didn’t expect her to say this out of the blue. But my heart tugged in a good way. I held back my tears but I managed to smile.

Jep, one of the youngest members of our group, accompanied my mother to the jeepney terminal.

Meanwhile, the group is in chaos. As usual.

“Quiet!” shouted Beca.

"You will never fade away! Your love is here to stay!" the kids sang louder. Beca grunted. I just shook my head. Kids

“Sister Gen! Someone’s looking for you!” Luke, one of our members, informed me. When the said person appeared, I almost stopped breathing.

"Hi," he said and held out his hand. "Job."

Did he just introduced himself? What? Why?

I took his hand and shook it. His grip was firm and his hand was warm. But it felt different to me.

What? I can’t even understand myself!

I let go of his hand and forced a smile. His face was passive. But his aura is shouting with authority and riches. Intimidating.

“Gen! We’re hungr—Hi!” I flushed from second-hand embarrassment when Trinity took Job’s hand and shook it rather exaggeratedly. “I’m Trinity.”

“Hi,” his voice was low and husky and Trinity almost hyperventilated. I can’t believe this.

“Your family donated a huge amount to the parish, right? Thank you so much! That will be a big help for the people being supported by this parish.”

“It’s my pleasure to help,” he said and looked back at me. My breath hitched when those hazel eyes met mine. “I still don’t know your name.”

Trinity gasped and gave me a knowing smile. “Sis he’s asking for your name.”

His gaze were intense. I've never been looked the way he's looking at me right now. It’s like he’s searching... Looking...

I cleared my throat. "G-Genesis.”

His lips curved a little.

Did he just smile at me?

Trinity slap my butt and giggled. I felt my cheeks burned and gave her a deadly glare, but she didn’t care. She faced Job.

“Job, we have some food in here. Come inside!”

Job shook his head. “No thanks. I just dropped by.” He faced me again and my breath almost hitched by his intense glare. “Nice to meet you, Genesis.”

He left and I watched him walk away. I got surprised when Trinity slapped my butt again.

“Stop doing that!” I said, irritated. She guffawed and went back inside. I followed her but my stomach felt weird. I hate this.

---

We headed back home together after our one-hour bible study. I was walking silently while the others were still engaged in their conversation.

“When I grow up I will buy a car like this!” Luke said and pointed a gray pick-up car.

“Me too! But I like mine red.” Jep said and smirked.

“That’s a gross color,” Luke stated his disgust.

“Grey is better. Quick! Take a picture of me!”

I noticed Luke stood beside the car and Jep followed. Just when they were about to take a picture, the headlights turned on.

“Waah! A ghost!” the kids runaway as the car’s engine roared to life. I shook my head. Kids.

I raised my hand as a form of apology to the driver. Since the window was tinted, I wasn’t able to figure out if it’s just okay to them or not.

“Gen, let’s watch movie tonight in your house. You can’t refuse! It’s your day off tomorrow!”

“Fine. Just no drinking.”

“Naaw sorry but we’re drinking!” Beca insisted and sheepishly smiled. I rolled my eyes at them. “You’re such a bummer. Have some fun!”

“I’m fine with watching movies.” I said with finality. The duo shrugged but didn’t complain. Besides, I need to make sure that they’re going to be okay while drinking. I can’t do that if I am not sober.

As we arrived home, I saw Dimitri talking with my mother. I immediately went beside my mother. She nodded and smiled.

Seeing them together always result with arguments and hurtful words. But right now, seeing my mother smiled, it seems that they have finally agreed with a certain decision.

Nanay went inside together with Trinity. Beca waved at Dimitri. “Good night handsome!” Dimitri smiled back that made Beca giggle.

Dimitri sighed when we're left alone. He looked at me again with those sad eyes.

"Dimitri..."

"I'm leaving."

Something tugged my heart. Trinity has already informed me but it still… hurts.

“I-know... Trinity told me about it.”

He nodded. “I said goodbye to your mother. I also apologized for what I did.” He smiled bitterly. “I cannot put up my pride anymore. Because if I continue, you’ll be totally slipping away from me. From us.”

"Dimi--"

"It's okay if you won't work in our company. I transferred money to your account, enough for your Nanay’s medication and treatment."

“You don’t have to do that.”

“But I want to. If I can’t be forgiven, at least I did something to lighten up my burden. I want to help you. You know I genuinely do. We were both angry with each other but, I am getting tired, Genesis.” He smiled bitterly. “I miss the old us. But if we can’t go back to the old us, then please allow me to at least start anew.”

I choked back my tears. He's now asking for my forgiveness.

I hated him for what he did. But I knew in my heart that I really, really want to accept him in my life again. I’m just holding onto this anger to push him away. But that’s wrong. I know it’s wrong. Our God didn’t create us to put hatred to each other, right?

“Please, stay.”

His mouth gaped and for the longest time, I finally saw his genuine smile. But he shook his head.

"I have, too. I need to find myself. To find my purpose.”

“F-for how long?”

He stayed quiet. My heart dropped and my tears fell down my cheeks. “But I will come back. That’s for sure.”

He hugged me tight and I nodded.

“We will wait for you.”