1 Intro/ Chapter 1: Hidden in the Closet


A Love Forbidden

By Erny J.R.C.


It was looking like a happy family, but this handsome warm guy was not my father.

He is Simon, He was my step father… I only found it out few days ago,

Once upon a time, my mom Silvia was married to him. He was a caring gentleman, a fuzzy big giant. I never felt like an outsider in front of him. He's more of my dad than anything else. We are close, especially when I was 6 years old to 10 when mom went to Africa for work. He always calls me buddy. "Alex! Buddy!" he says, makes me day a little happier..

I walk down as I look at his smiling face. We do many things together, we bathe together, I crawl to his bed when I got scared of a petty lightning storm. He hugs me as I snuggle to him…making me felt safe. Then I move out from my small room when I was 10.

He shows me a bigger room, next to his and mom's room. I was excited on that. He…made me feel, I am his whole world. I always…felt love and cared.

But when I was 11….

I feel, something weird…towards Simon.

I can't explain it that time though.

Even when my Mom, returned from overseas work when I was 12, on my graduation day. It was a big surprise that time… It makes me feel, a happy family, me mom and Simon.

Then, this past year….Simon looked excited.

"You are going to be a big brother!" said Simon as he excitedly hugs me ,and my mom. Mom just smile softly, and hug him and me. I was very happy, Simon is very happy. Mom was so happy too. The sun is extra shiny, the world looks brighter. I smiled. I look at Simon as he says, "Buddy! Let's go!" as he takes mom's hand.


Those smiles didn't last long. Mom died while giving birth to a stillborn child.

That devastated Simon. Day by day, he is hiding away from me.

He was drunk yesterday.

He was drunk today,

he will be drunk tomorrow.

The disturbing deafening silence, lingers us for days, then weeks…then months. It was a year now, since Mom died.

It was fall already. He looks at me, "I miss your mom... You remind me a lot of her..." said Simon while drunk in booze. He tries to force his smile, but he closes his eyes and almost cried. I stand up, I hug him, as he adds, "I wish... she and I could have a child of our own..." and I realized. The secret…

He was not my father.

How sad it is to bury two loved ones; my mom and my unborn sister and … I look at Simon, the one I used to know as Dad.

Every day, is a pain… He wants to change too… He tries hard, I… I am trying to help him get out of that pain we two are in. He goes to my old room, which he repurposed into a baby room.

I look at the cradle, where my sister was supposed to be, if she was alive, "Dad?" I said as I try to comfort him. "I'm so sorry, you should have known the truth… Silv and I will tell you the truth after your graduation this year… But. I just, rumbled in, while drunk." Said Simon. He sighs.

"She left…she left forever…" said Simon as tears flows on his eyes, and he just stood still and silent.

I don't want Simon to be alone too. I hug him from the back He rubs my hair as he goes out.

He doesn't, have a family or relative, the same as me. We are what closely resemble to a family, to each other. He always goes back from work. He smiled this time, but he realizes, mom was dead. He goes upstairs. He looks at the Baby room again, and again, and again, cried on his back. He was too hurt when mom and sister died… It's hard to look a broken soul… like I am. But, like the seasons, life must change and go on.

The leaves are turning orange, red and yellow as I bike around the light house. I look at Simon. He was near the lighthouse, staring at nothingness of the ocean, on his mechanical onesie, tied to his waist, in a greasy white, tank top, revealing his muscular body. I biked away to the convenient store. And my best friend was there. Kristine... I usually call her Kris.

She is shy but jolly, always the contrasting. When she was with me, she is like sunshine, wiping my misty days to like a warm blanket. I think she likes me... but. She doesn't know the truth…

I return back home on sunset. Simon is asleep on his bed, with his shirt off. I smelled his shirt... That smell, that musky smell mixed on cigar,ginger and citrus perfume. Euphoria! Bringing me lots of joy and… wanting SIMON even more!

Chapter 1: Hidden in the Closet

1). I wake up. Take a shower and open my closet. It was me Simon and mom, 10 years ago. I was kissing Simon's cheek. I have this feeling since I was 11, in that camping trip on the forest near the light house. My mom was beautiful as ever, my mom never really talked about my real dad ever, I open it again. I look at the mirror. Nobody will guess that I... fancy Simon. I comb my chestnut brown hair and put eye drops on my light brown eyes, It run dry, because I was studying too much and well, I look even more manlier now. My muscles do tune up because all of those sports I played this summer. I prepare for the morning. Bacon, eggs, mixed peas, carrots and corn.

2). Simon goes downstairs from his room. He's naked with a towel, my mind just exploded. I almost burnt the bacon staring at his body. Resist Alex! That's your dad! But Alex, he is YOUR STEPDAD though… I face-palmed myself so hard, it hurts. I sigh and choke my gayness, "Dad! Put your clothes on!" I said. Simon sighs as he goes upstairs. That well exercised body though. Oh, that made me bite my lower lip. He goes down again in a tank top and shorts. I slowly close my eyes in pure blissful pain.

3). Simon looks on the left and to the right. "Silv? Where is my keys... Silv?" asked Simon. He froze. I walk to him and hold both of his cheeks, making his face sandwich. "Dad! Mom is dead for almost a year now! If you need me, I'm just here!" I said. I pick his keys inside his coat. "Here. Just be careful, I don't have other dads, okay!" I said. He giggles a little. "I will… take care,buddy!" said Dad…I mean Simon as he kisses my forehead like always. He goes out. Oh Simon, he was sweet as always. No wonder, he was liked by everyone. Keep strong Simon. I eat my breakfast and go to school with my bike.

4). It was always the women, who looks at me, no, I am not also attracted to dudes, just one person; Simon. Kris looks at me as she was always do. She waves. We go to our next subject. "Sigmund Freud?" asked Kris. "Yes, I read it before. ID, Ego, Super Ego." I replied. But for me, It was more. Especially for me... the Phallic Phase. It goes like this…

5). Mom went abroad when I was 6-10, leaving me and Simon behind. That's the time we became very close. I usually crawl on his bed; we bathe together, and every normal father-and-son activities. But, I did not know that, and I knew... What I feel for Simon. Is different, around when I was 14. I started to sniff his clothes. I find it…. relaxing. Sometimes I cuddle him too, and smell his armpits with his deodorant mixing with his sweat, He always smells fresh, and he always takes two baths a day, shower in the morning and half bath at night. Me imagining, taking a bath with Simon, at my age… Sounds..

6). "Uhm, Alex? You okay?" asked Kris. I nodded, The day just passes by me. I return home using my bike, but I stop by the lighthouse. Simon was there in his mechanic onesie fixing a car. The old man looked happy when it starts. That Oldman was a former teacher in our school, I think, he has a grandson, visiting around.

7). Simon was full of grease. I laugh a little. He was always covered in grease oil. He looks at me, "Buddy! Let's go in the Italian Restaurant!" shouted him. I go to him, and look at the pinkish sunset in the fall season. We go inside the car as we went home. Simon goes to the bathroom and takes his second bath for the day. I go to my room,and the bathroom upstairs to prepare. I go back downstairs. Simon was in his room. I peek on the gaps. He was in his boxer briefs, that stud muffin, always fixing machineries. I move away, he might see me.

8). Later inside the restaurant. Simon looks at me, we laugh, His dark, dark hair, his green eyes… almost gray. He was very good looking, despite his curly hair is a bit longer, so is his full beard. I stare at him. "Buddy, why are you staring at me like that?" asked Simon. "Like you never changed,Simon...I mean, dad." I said. We laugh again.

9). "This is awkward...Since your mom, Silvia. Will always be looking around, she loves the garlic bread here! You always play with your soup too! You dip your garlic bread in ketchup!" said Simon as we laugh again, looking as if mom was there. Simon starts to talk many things, we discus about the kindergarten days, elementary days,middle school too, then my hihshcool days, then he cries a little remembering mom. "I'm sorry, Silv and I would have told you the truth when you graduated in highschool���."I hold his hand and I tear up a little too as I smile. "Who would not miss my mom, wonderful, bossy, funny, caring mother," I said. He holds my hands, trying to comfort me. "Dad, we can be strong... Together." I said. "Thanks... despite, I told you everything... you did not left." said Simon. "I'm still your buddy, dad!" I said. I lied. I see you as a man Simon. Simon just smirks as he releases my hand and rubs my hair. Our food arrived.

10.) We ate and laugh the whole night. It was the first long laughter, since my mom died almost a year ago, if she was alive today, she will say, Simon, go find a wonderful woman… Like her bossy attitude she has. We go home later with stomach full of pasta and garlic bread. Then talk more about mom. He smiles as he says, "You remind me of Silv, that thoughtfulness, the love, the awkward laughs. said Simon as he pats my head and say, "Good night buddy..." said Simon. He lightens up a little while I do my homework.

11.) Simon, starts to return to his normal self, little by little. I go downstairs. "Join me…" said Simon. I smiled. We watch the game. He was kinda happy. I'm happy. I look at him. Simon says, "Someday…. We will be happy…" said Simon then he looks at me. He smiles as he rubs my head. I giggled a little.

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