3 A Screenplay: Arrogant Sea Monster

A BOOK SHOP - AFTERNOON

Virtuous cleaner LADY KATY JOLIE is arguing with gentle painter PROF JOHN VADER.

KATY tries to hug JOHN but he shakes her off.

KATY: Please John, don't leave me.

JOHN: I'm sorry Katy, but I'm looking for somebody a bit more brave. Somebody who faces her fears head on, instead of running away.

KATY: I am such a person!

JOHN frowns.

JOHN: I'm sorry, Katy. I just don't feel excited by this relationship anymore.

JOHN leaves.

KATY sits down, looking defeated.

Moments later, remarkable housekeeper SIR DANIEL BLAST barges in looking flustered.

KATY: Goodness, Daniel! Is everything okay?

DANIEL: I'm afraid not.

KATY: What is it? Don't keep me in suspense...

DANIEL: It's ... a sea monster ... I saw an evil sea monster exterminate a bunch of swimmers!

KATY: Defenseless swimmers?

DANIEL: Yes, defenseless swimmers!

KATY: Bloomin' heck, Daniel! We've got to do something.

DANIEL: I agree, but I wouldn't know where to start.

KATY: You can start by telling me where this happened.

DANIEL: I was...

DANIEL fans himself and begins to wheeze.

KATY: Focus Daniel, focus! Where did it happen?

DANIEL: A greasy diner! That's right - A greasy diner!

KATY springs up and begins to run. She rushes along the street, followed by DANIEL. They take a short cut through some back gardens, jumping fences along the way.

SHORTLY AFTER AT GREASY DINER

MAY WILSON an arrogant sea monster terrorises two swimmers.

KATY, closely followed by DANIEL, rushes towards MAY, but suddenly stops in her tracks.

DANIEL: What is is? What's the matter?

KATY: That's not just any old sea monster, that's May Wilson!

DANIEL: Who's May Wilson?

KATY: Who's May Wilson? Who's May Wilson? Only the most arrogant sea monster in the universe!

DANIEL: Blinkin' knickers, Katy! We're going to need some help if we're going to stop the most arrogant sea monster in the universe!

KATY: You can say that again.

DANIEL: Blinkin' knickers, Katy! We're going to need some help if we're going to stop the most arrogant sea monster in the universe!

KATY: I'm going to need paperweights, lots of paperweights.

May turns and sees Katy and Daniel. She grins an evil grin.

MAY: Katy Jolie, we meet again.

DANIEL: You've met?

KATY: Yes. It was a long, long time ago...

A PARK - BACK IN TIME

A young KATY is sitting in a park listening to some classical music, when suddenly a dark shadow casts over her.

She looks up and sees MAY. She takes off her headphones.

MAY: Would you like some barley sugar?

KATY's eyes light up, but then she studies MAY more closely, and looks uneasy.

KATY: I don't know, you look kind of arrogant.

MAY: Me? No. I'm not arrogant. I'm the least arrogant sea monster in the world.

KATY: Wait, you're a sea monster?

KATY runs away, screaming.

A GREASY DINER - PRESENT DAY

MAY: You were a coward then, and you are a coward now.

DANIEL: (To KATY) You ran away?

KATY: (To DANIEL) I was a young child. What was I supposed to do?

KATY turns to MAY.

KATY: I may have run away from you then, but I won't run away this time!

KATY runs away.

She turns back and shouts.

KATY: I mean, I am running away, but I'll be back - with paperweights.

MAY: I'm not scared of you.

KATY: You should be.

MIAMI BEACH - LATER THAT DAY

KATY and DANIEL walk around searching for something.

KATY: I feel sure I left my paperweights somewhere around here.

DANIEL: Are you sure? It does seem like an odd place to keep deadly paperweights.

KATY: You know nothing Daniel Blast.

DANIEL: We've been searching for ages. I really don't think they're here.

Suddenly, MAY appears, holding a pair of paperweights.

MAY: Looking for something?

DANIEL: Crikey, Katy, she's got your paperweights.

KATY: Tell me something I don't already know!

DANIEL: The earth's circumference at the equator is about 40,075 km.

KATY: I know that already!

DANIEL: I'm afraid of sausages.

MAY: (appalled) Dude!

While MAY is looking at DANIEL with disgust, KATY lunges forward and grabs her deadly paperweights. She wields them, triumphantly.

KATY: Prepare to die, you arrogant cauliflower!

MAY: No please! All I did was exterminate a bunch of swimmers!

JOHN enters, unseen by any of the others.

KATY: I cannot tolerate that kind of behaviour! Those swimmers were defenceless! Well now they have a defender - and that's me! Katy Jolie defender of innocent swimmers.

MAY: Don't hurt me! Please!

KATY: Give me one good reason why I shouldn't use these paperweights on you right away!

MAY: Because Katy, I am your mother.

KATY looks stunned for a few moments, but then collects herself.

KATY: No you're not!

MAY: Ah well, it had to be worth a try.

MAY tries to grab the paperweights but KATY dodges out of the way.

KATY: Who's the mummy now? Huh? Huh?

Unexpectedly, MAY slumps to the ground.

DANIEL: Did she just faint?

KATY: I think so. Well that's disappointing. I was rather hoping for a more dramatic conclusion, involving my deadly paperweights.

KATY crouches over MAY's body.

DANIEL: Be careful, Katy. It could be a trick.

KATY: No, it's not a trick. It appears that... It would seem... May Wilson is dead!

DANIEL: What?

KATY: Yes, it appears that I scared her to death.

DANIEL claps his hands.

DANIEL: So your paperweights did save the day, after all.

JOHN steps forward.

JOHN: Is it true? Did you kill the arrogant sea monster?

KATY: John how long have you been...?

JOHN puts his arm around KATY.

JOHN: Long enough.

KATY: Then you saw it for yourself. I killed May Wilson.

JOHN: Then the swimmers are safe?

KATY: It does seem that way!

A crowd of vulnerable swimmers enter, looking relived.

JOHN: You are their hero.

The swimmers bow to KATY.

KATY: There is no need to bow to me. I seek no worship. The knowledge that May Wilson will never exterminate swimmers ever again, is enough for me.

JOHN: You are humble as well as brave!

One of the swimmers passes KATY a gold necklace

JOHN: I think they want you to have it, as a symbol of their gratitude.

KATY: I couldn't possibly.

Pause.

KATY: Well, if you insist.

KATY takes the necklace.

KATY: Thank you.

The swimmers bow their heads once more, and leave.

KATY turns to JOHN.

KATY: Does this mean you want me back?

JOHN: Oh, Katy, of course I want you back!

KATY smiles for a few seconds, but then looks defiant.

KATY: Well you can't have me.

JOHN: WHAT?

KATY: You had no faith in me. You had to see me scare a sea monster to death before you would believe in me. I don't want a lover like that.

JOHN: But...

KATY: Please leave. I want to spend time with the one person who stayed with me through thick and thin - my best friend, Daniel.

DANIEL grins.

JOHN: But...

DANIEL: You heard the lady. Now be off with you. Skidaddle! Shoo!

JOHN: Katy?

KATY: I'm sorry John, but I think you should skidaddle.

JOHN leaves.

DANIEL turns to KATY.

DANIEL: Did you mean that? You know ... that I'm your best friend?

KATY: Of course you are!

The two walk off arm in arm.

Suddenly DANIEL stops.

DANIEL: When I said I'm afraid of sausages, you know I was just trying to distract the sea monster don't you?

THE END