1 Mad Animal [October 2019]

Do you ever feel like shit?

No reason.

One day something in the back of your head stops you from feeling too happy, and when you compare who you used to be, it's like you just can't stop

Feeling like shit.

Fuck

My mind's spinning in circles, I guess I remember getting here, but the reason..

I sniffle, snot is running down my face.

My eyes are red in the mirror, and as I push the tears from my face..

My mind moves fast and loose.

I remember sitting on a hill,

At the edge of a parking lot.

There's seagulls.

They're looking for food, and minding their own business, but… in my desperate attempt to not hurt myself I just

Followed them.

I knew if I turned around, even for a second, I'd be seeing my trauma again.

And.. fear. Would just come over me.

I don't know.

I can see flashes of me under a tree. Staring up under the leafsleaves, sunlight shining through and hurting my eyes.

I start dissociating.

It's, well maybe the best coping mechanism I have

I stare up at the leafs, my artist's eye staring, details take my breath away and I'm stuck there

I wanted it to be eternity

My eyes are out of focus, I rub them but, a hard feeling in my throat lingers.

I'm sweaty. I'm itching.

Soft fur meets mine, and for a second I feel some kind of love.

You're the best friend I've ever had. You're family.

My chest fills with this light feeling, I'd say it's pink. Fluffy, light. It expands inside me whenever I see him.

I love him so much.

I love him.

My hand touches his soft ears, and he looks up at me. His eyes are so full of light.

His eyes.

..What am I doing here..?

Maybe I should get up.