Sheer Improbability

I'm a special guy, no doubt. No one can do what I do. No one has the ability I have and if the government found out about what I can do, they'd probably lock me up to do thousands of experiments on me... and yet, I still manage to do everything wrong. Even with all the advantages anyone can possess and having the literal answers from the universe, I am absolutely lost. In fact, the universe and I have a rocky relationship and are in a constant fight. So, I hope you know that the universe is telling my story wrong. I am not a genius, I am not an innovative visionary and more importantly: I AM NOT GAY.