12 Chapter 12 - Finding a Reason

Sinon breathed a sigh of relief when they reached Tolbana. She never relaxed until she was in the safety of her room, and this time the trip had been more stressful than usual.

She looked sideways at Asuna. The chestnut-haired girl had put back her hood. She could understand that. After twenty days, players had turned back to... Well, it would never be normal, not really. But almost. Including the perverts.

Sinon didn't consider herself to be beautiful, or even good-looking, but there was such a discrepancy in the male-female ratio in SAO that any girl would be flirted with. Maybe she should start wearing a hood. But no. She didn't like the message it sent. She was done hiding. Had been since the seventh day, when she left the Town of Beginnings.

Stepping around the multitude of players crowding Tolbana's main plaza, Sinon waved at Liz, who was chatting with that party she always saw her with. The spear guy, the girl with the flute, and the silent boy.

"Over there. Let's sit down and eat something. You look like you need it."

Asuna nodded almost imperceptibly. The girl had only spoken one word since they met, and that was her name. And only after Sinon threatened to princess carry her into Tolbana. After all those years as an unremarkable background student, Sinon had never thought someone could have less of a presence than she did, but Asuna was living proof that she was wrong.

Pulling the girl by the wrist, Sinon wondered why she had jumped into this pit. Then she remembered she dig it herself when she decided to do a good deed and save someone who had clearly suicidal tendencies.

Seriously, she was literally the worse possible choice to console someone like Asuna. Sinon was a withdrawn, reclusive - not to mention bullied - high schooler, who had just one friend. She barely talked more than a sentence every day unless the teachers asked her to answer a question. And yet, here she was, drafting a speech in her head as she walked, to convince Asuna life was still worth living.

They sat down at a table in the farthest corner of the restaurant in silent agreement. Neither of them wanted to be noticed. Out of goodwill, Sinon ordered for both herself and Asuna. Then, they fell into awkward silence. This continued until the food arrived, and it became clear to Sinon that Asuna would not be the first to speak. Why wasn't she surprised?

"All right. I went to more psychologists and psychiatrists than I thought existed, but I still have no idea how I should do this. So I will just be straightforward. Why do you want to die?"

Were this any other situation, Sinon would never have asked bluntly like this. Even if she said she didn't know how to do this, it was very clear that asking 'why do you want to die' was not the way to go. Not by a long shot. But this wasn't the real world. This was SAO. They risked their lives on a daily basis. If Asuna wanted to kill herself, there were a thousand and one ways she could have done it already. But she didn't. Instead, she put herself in what was very clearly an unwinnable situation, but still tried to fight. The only conclusion Sinon could make from this was that while Asuna wanted to die, she hadn't given up on life yet.

Hearing the harsh question, Asuna stopped playing with her food. Sinon didn't know if the girl was normally like that, if she was taciturn because of her dark emotions, or if she was simply exhausted - because she sure looked so. Just when she thought she wouldn't get an answer, Asuna started talking.

"My whole life, I've always had to be perfect. Have the best grades. Learn courtesy and manners. Smile politely when my mom introduced me to men thrice my age. My one act of rebellion was to take my brother's NerveGear and put it on. And look what happened."

Sinon was about to say something, anything, but the girl didn't stop. It seemed that having someone finally listen to you had broken open a dam inside Asuna.

"I know it's not my fault. I'm not egocentric to that point. Nobody could have known what would happen. But I put on that helmet because I wanted to be myself, even if for just a moment. I wanted a taste of freedom. Instead, I landed in another prison. And once again, I am powerless. Worthless."

Sinon recoiled as if she was hit. Worthless. How could anyone think of themselves as such? But just one look told her that Asuna really did believe that.

"Asuna..."

Sinon didn't know what to say. How do you convince someone that they are still wanted, that they were still valued and loved by someone? Sinon didn't know. But she knew how to snap someone out of their guilt-induced trance. Yeah, she knew a lot about that.

"That's bullshit."

"Huh?!"

Asuna was clearly the kind of young lady who was raised in a greenhouse, and never really experienced the real world. Not like Sinon did. Just a cuss was enough to get more reaction out of her than almost dying did.

Sinon ignored her confusion, and slapped the table. A few heads turned their way, and she quickly sat down again, her words were still harsh.

"You are saying you are worthless because... Because of what? Because you can't beat a death game some maniac trapped us in? And in just twenty days nonetheless? Guess what, there are nine thousand nine hundred and ninety-nine other people who also can't. By your logic, we are all worthless."

"I-I didn't mean..."

"I know. I for one don't consider myself worthless, no matter what others may say. And that's why I said you are spouting bullshit. You've made it to Tolbana from the Town of Beginnings. You survived twenty days in a world where pretty much everything that moves is trying to kill you. Fifteen hundred other people didn't. You are here, in the most dangerous place on the 1st floor, fighting alone. You are not weak, Asuna. Not by a long shot. And you are certainly not worthless."

When she finished, Sinon stared at Asuna. She didn't do anything else, and just waited in silence for a few minutes. When Asuna finally took off her hood, Sinon wasn't sure if she had cried or not. But she saw steely determination in her eyes. And a lot of unease and fear too. But who didn't feel those, especially in their situation?

"Thank you, Sinon. I was being stupid."

Looking at the pair of hazel eyes, Sinon grinned. Was that what it felt like to have a girl friend?

"Just a tiny bit. Now eat before it gets cold."

Asuna nodded, and dug in with such ferocity that Sinon could only stare. That didn't fit with the mental image of a young lady she had built.

"Slow down, Asuna, the food is not going to run away. Jeez, it is as if you haven't eaten in three days."

The pause in Asuna's hand movements and the blush that crept up to her cheeks were subtle, but Sinon noticed them.

"Seriously?"

When the girl across from her nodded sheepishly, Sinon staggered. How could someone be so careless with their well-being? But then again, Asuna had just tried to die. Frowning, Sinon remembered how the girl had collapsed for no apparent reason back in the tower.

"Wait. Asuna, for how long were you in the labyrinth?"

Asuna mumbled something under her breath which Sinon didn't quite catch. It sounded suspiciously like 'days', though. Days, as in plural.

"Asuna."

"...Three days."

Sinon would have spat the water in her mouth had she been drinking any. She glared at Asuna. The player didn't look like she was joking.

"Three days?! What were you thinking?!"

"I... Wasn't."

"You... Uff."

Asuna showed her an embarrassed smile which made her so cute Sinon couldn't find it in herself to scold her anymore. She just sighed and gave up.

The girls didn't speak much for the rest of the meal. Just as they were leaving the restaurant, Sinon sent her a friend request, which Asuna gleefully accepted. Neither said anything about partying up. Well, SAO was big, but not that big. They would see each other again, as long as they didn't die.

Sinon and Asuna split up in the plaza, each going to their respective inns. When Sinon gave the rapier user one last glance, she saw Asuna pulling up her hood again.

'I guess old habits die hard.'

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Drifter kicked the covers aside and sat up. His hand habitually scrolled through his inventory, and with a few taps, his << Kobold Spear >> materialized on his back. He hadn't even gotten out of bed yet.

Stretching, Drifter looked at the date on his HUD, and grimaced.

'Day 21, huh?'

Three weeks stuck in SAO. Three weeks during which he had grown stronger. Three weeks he and his party had been diving in the labyrinth. Three weeks... And no progress. They were no closer to beating the game than they were the day it started. Where the fuck was the dammed boss room?!

Sighing, Drifter sent a message to Nautilus and Yuna saying he was up, and went down to have breakfast.

The meeting with Argo yesterday hadn't gone great. Apparently even the ever-cheerful info broker was starting to lose her patience. The 1st floor labyrinth was all but completely explored. She had sold him the latest map, and there were very few areas left. Unless they were very unlucky, they must have missed something. Or someone was messing with them.

That was one guess Argo had put out there yesterday, and with which Drifter found himself agreeing more as the new day dawned. Maybe Kayaba himself had concealed the location of the 1st floor boss room. Why? Apart from the man being a sicko, Drifter could only imagine that it was because he wanted players to go through an adaptation period. To weed out the weak. Drifter hated himself for even thinking of it on those terms, but it made sense.

What Kayaba wanted wasn't exposition or fame - he had plenty of those already. His true aim, in Drifter's view, was simple: power. The developer wanted to rule over the 10.000 players like a god. And like a god, he liked to play games.

But the wait would have to end soon. A week. Drifter thought that, if they didn't find the boss room in another week at most, even the players in Tolbana would give up.

Of course, those were just his and Argo's conjectures. Maybe they were wrong. He hoped that was the case.

"Good morning, Drifter."

"Good morning to you too, Yuna. Where's Naut?"

The songstress, his party member, and now one of his most cherished friends, sat down across from him. Drifter pushed the plate with sandwiches to her.

"Still asleep. I will wake him up soon. But what's with you? You look gloomy."

"Do I?"

Yuna nodded, and Drifter took a moment to examine himself. She was right, he wasn't feeling great today. He felt like something bad would happen. But he chalked it up to his talk with Argo.

"Just tired I guess."

"How about we enter the tower later then? We are pretty much stun locked without the boos room anyway. We could go to the plaza, and I can play some music."

"That would be great. Yeah, let's do that, Yuna."

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AUTHOR'S NOTE

Ugh, this chapter was hard to write. And I still don't like how it turned out, but I've done what I can. Leave suggestions, please!

I know there has been a lot of bad and depressing stuff happening in the initial chapters of the novel, but it's for good reason. I wanted to show how players adapted to suddenly being thrown into a death game, and how many of the main and support characters (Asuna, Sinon, Yuna, Nautilus, Argo, etc...) dealt with it. It could probably have been written better, but then we would need half a novel just for that, so it is what it is.

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