1 Selfishness

Can any of us say that we aren't self centered. It seems that no matter what I think a person's motivation for an action may be there is always a creeping doubt that it isn't altruistic in any form. Sure there are the obvious examples greed, lust, popularity and... self gratification. What is that?

More precisely how do we define it? Anything can be self gratifying, even seemingly selfless actions. Does anyone not feel a rush of dopamine when they are reassured by the knowledge that they are a good person? I can guarantee that if it isn't for that it is out of fear, fear of religious damnation or parental punishment for example.

These are the thoughts that keep me up at night. It could be about how my grades are steadily declining, my family is steadily losing faith in me and how my social life is generally declining.

Maybe I should just give up and be a NEET.

Nah can't believe in any scenario where my Dad would support my ass if out of the blue if I give up on all aspirations and decide to put on 600 pounds.

Though its a miracle he has stuck with me this far.

I really don't have an excuse to my shitty results so far in life, not only am living in a first world country with all the basic needs and above at my disposal, I also have the genes.

My mother being a top earner at a stock firm and my Dad being a quiet but outstandingly innovative engineer gave me and my siblings the perfect edge on life. Jane and Anthony seized that fact going to Harvard and then to Oxford to follow in my Mother's footsteps. Even Suzy and Neil are off with my Mother studying in a middle school for the gifted.

I wonder if what they are studying there is more complex than what I study as a first year in my own High school.

I chuckle at the dark ceiling as I remember how I used to convince myself that the two pairs were twins and because of that they could read each others minds and cheat on those tests. Yet that soon dissolved when I realized that couldn't translate into their fitness, presentation and overall social skills... All this self pity/loathing has got me tired I can feel my consciousness slip away...