Is That Not Enough?

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Dee's P.O.V

Fuck, this is stupid, what is this,  why is this so difficult? Why are my hands stiff? Are these even my hands or someone has tied me down in something making it hard for me to move? Okay, let's try lifting this hand again, argh, fuck, it is not moving, my hand is just stuck here and nothing is moving, not even my thumb, which is always ready to catch something. Someone tell me please what is going on?

Okay maybe we haven't tried lifting it with force, maybe we might get a chance if we lift it more forcefully and throw, but why am I feeling this tired trying to lift it? I know I usually hold things, but right now my hands are stiff and I don't even know where I am at.

Let's try to open my closed eyes, maybe I can see around and my eyes can easily open, let's try forcing the eyelids out of the way. 

This is so difficult, God why, why can't I just do something good for once? Why can I even lift my hands or even my eyelids? What is happening to me? What happened?

I am hearing some low monologue in my head but I can't open my eyes, I can't see who is in front of me, where am I?

"Claire, you need something, you have been here the whole day, maybe I can take your place."

Wait why is Claire sitting here, where is she sitting at? Plus why would Pete ask if he can take over from her? Where am I, I can't even get the answers!

"I am okay, where is Jade, maybe he cants try waking her again, he tried yesterday and she tried squeezing his hands, can you bring him over?"

That's Jake's, at least I am hearing the voices that I know, which means that I am not dead or dying. No, I can't be dead and why would they bring Jade again to wake me up, I am awake but why can't I see what is in front of me? I mean if I was dead then it would have been hard for me to hear their voices and even catch their hands. I am lost here, I don't even know what is truly going on here!

Maybe we wait until we hear someone else, can you also help me, I don't even know what is going on here. 

The last thing I remember was that, I was on a stage, was that a stage? Or is it just another illusion to get me thinking that I know where I am at this time of the day, doing nothing?

Okay, let us rewind and think of where I was some minutes ago.

I was in a state and I don't know what I was doing, I was just standing there, but why can't I remember any of that? This is frustrating, I can't feel anything right now, I can't remember any shit.

        "Dee, dee, wake up, doctor, someone calls the doctors!"

Fuck, Claire, haven't you stopped with your noise? Jeez, I feel like killing her now, her voice is like a drum beating in my head. 

I hear some loud thud in the room and this is even worse. 

"What is happening, has she woken up?"

     Dominic, what is he doing here too? 

"She is crying, that is a good sign, right? I mean she is crying to mean she can feel something, right?"

Fuck, I wish you knew I can't even feel myself crying at this point, I just know this is frustrating and I don't want to be here, but Claire saying that I am crying and I can't feel just make me worried. 

"Excuse, I need to examine her, we must be sure that nothing is wrong with her, the tears come out voluntarily and we can't stay that she is feeling anything at this time, I bet she is not feeling anything, let's give her time!"

That must be the doctor because I haven't heard that voice in my life, nor can my head register anything. I seriously need to give my memory to remember. 

"Can anything, jog her mind, maybe she can respond, I saw yesterday Jade caught her hands and she squeezed it, why not try it again."

Please don't tell me that Jake is talking like a baby who has been denied a lollipop and wants to cry. What is he doing here anyway? I thought he should be at work, I mean this is not healthy for him. Wait, I was mad at him for being an asshole, that I remember, wait then there was Fern, wait who is Fern why am I not getting her, but I have her name hidden somewhere in my memory, I need to think about it again.

"Mr. Jale, I think that will be a nice idea, or you guys can just talk to her gently, remind her of the intimate memory that she had in her life, that will jog her memory, talking about the bad things, that is going to make things hard, she might have a heart attack and die "

Phew! At least I know I am not dead, I just think I am in a maze and in this maze, I need to get out of it. I need my head to focus and my memories to be freed of that. This is hard though. 

"Aunty Diana is sleeping, when she wakes up mama, she has been sleeping since yesterday, I want us to play."

Wow, Jade, I just want to hold her but my hands won't lift, it can't touch him at this time, maybe if I try my thumb, let's squeeze it a bit, okay, just a bit, fuck, I can't again.

          "Did you see that, she smiled at Jade, with her face!"

"Then why is she not waking up? This is tiring, Dee wakes up okay, I just want you here, even if you are mad at me, just open your eyes for once, I just want to get lost in those eyes the way you made me lost in them. Everyone is here waiting for you, it has been three months and you can't even open your eyes and assure us that everything is going to be fine?"

Someone needs to slap Jake on his face, I mean why would he be talking like a  baby? He should be roaring like the lion he is, this is how I know him, I hate hearing his voice this sad, I know he would be laughing, chuckling here and there but this, talking to me as I need to calm him, no, this is not Jake.

I dont hear any voices again, the only thing I hear is the mumbling of Jade near me, I can feel him pulling my eyelids but I don't know which part of my brain won't allow them to open up. It's just closed. 

I can also feel him kissing the top of my head, this is familiar, very familiar, it is like something we have been doing together. Wait, Jade and I, together, we must have been funny, I know who he is, he is my nephew, I can't forget that. I can see flashes of his picture in my brain and everything we did together, like talking with each other, playing and singing to his stupid tunes. 

               "She is smiling again? I that a good sign?"

Am I smiling now? Jeez, why can't I feel myself smiling then? Okay, now I am feeling it, and the wet kids on my cheeks again, but I can't bring myself to hold onto Jade once more, that doesn't keep him away, instead he is still in my eyes and sometimes whistling in my ears. 

"She is going to be okay Jake, we need to give he time, maybe she has those good memories, and we must make sure she doesn't remember the bad stuff to avoid the heart attack."

"Is she listening to us? Look at her brows, they are knotted, she must be hearing everything, but why is she not waking up Claire?"

I can hear the frustration in their voice, it's not like I am not listening, they need to know that am listening to what they are talking about, I just can't open my eyes to look at them.

"We are going to leave you two, please try talking about anything you can with her, maybe she can squeeze your hands the way she squeezed Jade's hands. Don't fuck this up too or I will kill you this time around."

Okay, we are not killing each other now, I think we are supposed to make sure that I have seen them, I need to make sure that they know me and I can't forget about them. 

The door is closed and I can hear someone pulling the chair near me. My hands are clasped in someone's else hands, I know that scent, Jake is the only one remaining. I remember his face very well, this funny handsome face but fierce when mad. 

He clears his throat and places his thumb on my cheeks, fuck, why am I having some weird feeling on these? I thought I was stronger than this. I thought he was not going to trigger something but just his touch is enough to evoke some feelings hidden deep down.

"You still remember the first time we met? In your mustard sweater and mamma jean. That was the first time I realized that you were not some other girl I would take in and fuck till the world ends, there was something different about you, apart from the ladies I had previously met, you were very different, your smile was genuine, and did want to accept that you were making me feel different. That is a cliche, right? That is what you read in Romance books. I could believe it happened in real life. I wanted to shut you down but from that day everything I did I included you in it. If I was eating I thought of you by my side, just smiling at me and chewing your food."

Those are some serious emotions their dude, can you at least just cool down? I can now feel myself crying, this was not supposed to happen, I was supposed to be strong and listen to him say what he has to say, but Jake, this is the same man who I love very much. Are you sure I didn't trip and fall into the different boat of love?

"Do you still remember your graduation? Yeah, I was the one who tossed your tussle to the left, that was the day I made you mine, that is the day, the whole world knew that you are the girl I fell in love with you. We went to the beach house and the night was amazing, I was afraid of hurting you in the future and at some point felt the you didn't deserve me at all, but you led me and showed me that I am yours and nobody"

Damn, Jake, you are now making me blush this day, why does it hurt to smile like this, you are just so corny at this, you know that? I remember him, everything we did. Our first lovemaking, the room, every style that we did, without forgetting every detail of it. The way I cried thinking that he was not going to make our first night beautiful, he made it more beautiful, the bed of roses, the candles, and amazing music, all that was fun with him. 

"I love you, I love you very much and I can't imagine anything without you, that is what people say to their lovers but to me, you are the air I breathe, the eye I get lost in, and the strength that gets me moving Dee. I would rather stay with you here all day and not focus on anything, I know I can be a jerk sometimes but can you at least open your eyes? Just your simple eyes? Jade has been working on them every day, he comes here just to look at you and he will say the same thing, he would ask the same question over and over. 'Aunty Dee is sleeping, can she wake up so that we can play?' the last time he cried when he couldn't get you to wake up. I don't know how to play that game with him not even his parents, you are the only one who is good with him. Please don't make him wait longer, or you want me to give him to Fern,  bet Fern will hit him up and you will be here all alone. Are you afraid of waking up? Wake up and face the world Dee, don't sleep in there!"

Why is he shouting all of a sudden? Jesus, if I was able to wake up, I would have slapped his face right now, I hate the name of Ferm in his vocabulary! Why do I hate it though? I can't clearly remember her, she seems dead in my head.

"I swear Dee, if you don't wake up right now, I will go and sleep with Fern and leave you here, I will marry her and we will live far away from you and you will never see me again."

Fuck! I hate you at this point. I hate you! Why are you going to marry somebody else? 

            NO!

            "Doctor, Doctor! She has spoken a little!"

"Are you sure about that? I mean she could talk and she has talked. What did you tell her?"

Claire's sound and many feet stumbling at my door. Is this how things have been in this area? I thought I can hear them but I need to tap on them. It's only that Jake has provoked me to do this. I can feel my hands at least, I need to squeeze his heads, there you go, one more push, fuck yeah!

"Dee, she has even squeezed my hands, isn't this good?"

"Yeah, that is good but look at her heartbeat, it's fast, did you say something bad, because you just provoked her and now her heartbeat is high, I thought I told you not to provoke her!"

"Did you use Fern's name again today? For fucks sake Jake, I will throw you out of this hospital, you're the one supposed to be on that bed and not her! You are the one who hurt her and now you are trying to use her sister's name to provoke her, is that not enough for you? Fuck you man!"

"Guys, stop it, she is having a cardiac arrest, don't shout at her, look what you have done!"

Why are they saying that Jake is the one supposed to be in this situation, did I do anything wrong?  Why am I the one in this place not hin,  plus who is my sister? No, they can't be right, not, Fern? I think I know that name very well now, I have heard of it in various places. 

Why am I having these weird memories, the memories of people shouting in my head,  the voice of being hit by something, why are they throwing things at my head? I am on that stage again and I can see someone smiling at me, no she is not smiling, she is laughing so sarcastically, wait, is that Fern, okay, that is the audience, no they are throwing things at me, the are throwing thing at me! What happened here, what happened?

"Doc, what happened, she is having a seizure, and looks like her heart rate is very high,  can we do something? "

"You know what, I would only love to have this small kid here and not you two duck of adults shouting at her,  so get out!"

Yeah, and I went out, I don't have shoes, I don't have shoes, I can feel the slippery floor, I hold my gown and rush out of the place, in seconds, I was out of the noise. Where am I heading to? Why is the place so dark like this? I need to stop going into dark places! I need to stop rushing but my legs won't stop. I am seeing some light in front of me, the car is yellow, these are the taxis, but I don't have any money, okay, let me check my purse, oh, I don't have any purse, but let us look at my wrist because I can feel the cold watch on my wrist, we can use wire transfer. 

Why am I going inside the can again? I thought I had my driver, why is someone calling my name? 

         "Where to?"

My mouth can't stop talking, so I ask for a chemist in a nearby place, I get two tablets from the store, and next, drop is the motel. I wire the money and rush to the room, why is my gown so heavy, I can't even remove it. My hands are struggling to open the draw and I pick the paper and pen okay, what am I writing, I can't even feel what I am writing, I can't feel my hands moving on t plain paper that is in front of me.  Full already.

Okay, my hands then move to the two big capsules on the table and there they have their way into my mouth with one glass of water from the sink.

"In here, she is here, Dee, wake up, wake up Dee!"

        Fuck!