1 Search and you shall find

Kirk decided to take a break from his soon-to-be captain training and have some fun for a change since it was Christmas. Attending the party looked like a good way to decompress, so he went for it. Not to mention that he'd receive some free booze at the very least.

He lifted his gaze away from his drink for a moment, and his gaze was drawn to the most attractive man he'd ever seen in his life. As it appeared, the man had just arrived into the party, and he was still wearing his black coat, which made him appear even paler than he really was. Kirk was enthralled. While talking animatedly to the person he attended the party with, the guy raised one of his eyebrows in interest. Kirk hoped that they were just buddies and nothing more. Kirk wanted that guy for himself, so if the opportunity arose...

Kirk was fortunate in that the guy's friend had left. So he approached him and spoke with him, not wanting to spend any more of their time.

"Hey, I'm Kirk. James Kirk," he said.

"Spock," the young man said in fascination.

Kirk's pulse skipped a beat when he heard the guy's soothing voice and caught a sight of the Vulcan man in front of him smiling. Vulcans rarely showed emotion, and the fact that he was able to make that youngster grin - even slightly - made him want him even more.

"Great. Do you want something to drink, Spock?"

Spock was beaming now. "Actually, I do," he said.

Kirk brought them both a glass of scotch whiskey. Spock reached out to take his drink, but Kirk immediately took it away.

"Hey!"

"Not before I see an ID!" Kirk teased.

"I would like you to stop. It is quite obvious that I am going through my mid-thirties. I am highly capable of drinking a glass of whiskey," Spock played along.

Kirk arched his left eyebrow teasingly. "Mid-thirties, say?"

"Affirmative."

"Affirmative. Looking good for a man in his mid-thirties."

Spock bowed his head. "The trick is to never present any type of ID," he now fully grinned.

James laughed and handed Spock his scotch whiskey. Spock was right about Kirk's age. His Vulcan supervisors and teachers, who constantly exhorted their pupils to devote to their goal and to science because everything else seemed meaningless, had no idea he was attending a party, drinking whiskey, and openly flirting with Kirk. This time, Spock was unfazed.

"So, do you know anyone else in here?" Kirk questioned, wanting to strike up a discussion.

"Not really, if I am being honest. I just came here with my science project partner."

"Oh, your science project partner." Good God, they were only friends! And in this case classmates. "Very nice," Kirk smirked.

"Was that a smirk, James Kirk?" Spock raised both his eyebrows.

"Smirk? What smirk?" James asked innocently.

"The one that keeps growing as we speak," Spock replied as his smile grew wider.

"No, I wasn't smirking," Kirk would do anything he could to deny it. "Besides, you cannot prove it."

This time, Spock laughed fully. Kirk blushed. The young man's laugh was amazing. And so he found himself already smitten, even though they had only been talking for 30 minutes. He knew nothing about him...This didn't stop him nor made him feel awkward, though. Besides, nature had already cast a spell and they quickly clicked together. Then it hit him. Kirk felt the need to get to know each other better. And this time privately. They had been flirting the whole time anyway.

"How is your wrist?" James then asked.

Spock freaked out for a second. "My wrist?"

"Yeah, I've noticed you've been rubbing it now and then," Kirk explained. "I've been having problems with my wrist, too. Tendonitis. It's been killing me, that's for sure."

"I see. It--it is frustrating indeed," Spock coughed slightly as he fiddled with the glass he was holding. But he rapidly recovered. In any case, it was in his Vulcan nature to shrug off any emotions quickly. So he raised his head and smiled warmly at Kirk.

Kirk frowned slightly. He was struck by Spock's transient discomfort and felt compelled to apologize.

"I apologize. I had no idea you wouldn't want to talk about it..."

"There is no such need to apologize. It is alright. I am just not used to talking about it," he said hurriedly.

"Oh, makes sense," Kirk nodded. He just felt the need to know if the lad he was speaking with was alright and his wrist was not giving him much trouble. "I was thinking...we should get out of here," he suddenly blurted.

Spock's eyes widened for a split second, and he was plainly taken aback. "And where... do you want to go?"

"Someplace at the back, there are bedrooms..." Kirk swallowed heavily, while Spock was taken aback by the preposition. Perhaps Kirk was moving too quickly? He'd be so upset if he'd misinterpreted the signs and squandered any opportunity he had! "I'm very sorry! I messed up, didn't I? I just assumed you liked me that way..."

"Of course I do!" Spock blurted out while his eyes widened and were even darker than before.

Kirk's chest swelled with relief. "That's fantastic, Jesus Christ! I thought I made a mistake, and I really fancy you..."

Spock let out a nervous exhale. "You fancy me?"

Kirk nodded. "Yes. I do."

"I--I like you, too. Going at the bedroom sounds excellent." Spock chuckled.

Kirk gave him a wide smile and set his drink down, spreading his left hand for Spock. "So, shall we?"

Kirk led the way as they took each other's hands in his. When they got at the back of the suite, they went into a bedroom and looked at the door, which prompted Nobosy to interrupt them. This was very important to James! Spock felt the same way. As soon as they found some privacy, their lips collided, leaving both of them breathless. They'd never been kissed with such passion and desire before. Kirk pulled away first and looked at Spock lovingly. He then climbed on top of him.

"Eager, are you not?" Spock giggled Kirk kissed him again hungrily.

Spock tasted, felt, and was incredible. Kirk was having a great time. His arms roamed up and down Spock's torso, devouring Spock's lips, jaw, and neck. Spock moaned and let his slender hands explore Jim's body, rucking up his shirt just enough to slide a hand underneath it and touch the bare skin of his back.

It was energizing. Kirk was drawn to Spock like a moth to a flame, and he needed to get even closer to him. He soon felt himself becoming hard and experimented with grinding down. That's when he became aware of Spock's erection. He was overjoyed and ecstatic to have proof of Spock's desire for him. Kirk desired Spock, and Spock desired Kirk.

"I was praying for this moment to arrive!" Spock exclaimed, closing his eyes for a brief moment before returning to Kirk and pleading for another bruising kiss. "Take that off!" he yelled, pulling at Kirk's shirt, which Kirk gladly removed.

Spock looking at him like that, taking in his bare chest and running his hands over it, feeling Kirk like that as if he were a work of art that Spock desperately needed was...perfection.

Kirk couldn't take the wait any longer. He dove right back in to kiss Spock once more.

"I'm so glad I showed up at this party." Spock laughed breathlessly as his hands caressed Kirk's torso, his hips arching up slightly to grind their erections together. Kirk's body tingled with excitement as a result of the sensation. He wanted to scream because it was so good!

"You are absolutely stunning!" Kirk gasped, losing control and feeling as if he could drown in Spock and be content. Desire made his fingers tremble as he fumbled with Spock's fly and belt, attempting to remove Spock's trousers.

Spock tensed. "James...please..."

"I can assure you that we both feel the same way!" Kirk reassured him. Besides, he was desperate to touch and be with Spock. He'd never desired anyone so much in his life!

"No, I mean... do not," Spock mumbled.

Kirk didn't notice it at first, but Spock suddenly tried to push him away, agitated.

"James...please, stop!"

It was almost a scream. Kirk froze, staring up at Spock, perplexed. "I--I'm so sorry, I thought you'd like that..."

"I would, but...Um..."

"You know you can trust me, right?"

"I'm--I--"

Spock struggled to find the appropriate words, which confused Kirk even more, as Spock never seemed to not want him.

"Spock, is something wrong?"

"Nothing is wrong! Just get off me!" Spock cried out.

Kirk did, of course, feeling as if he had made a terrible mistake but not knowing what had happened to enrage Spock so quickly.

"Sorry. I assumed you liked me... I didn't think anything was wrong..."

"There is nothing wrong with me! You're the one who's acting like a slut!" Spock growled at him.

The words pricked. Badly. Especially since it came from someone Kirk thought would be important in his life. Spock looked remorseful for a moment, but it didn't matter. Kirk didn't want to stay in the room any longer. He virtually leaped out of bed, hurriedly pulling his shirt over his head.

"No, James, I did not mean..." Spock mumbled as he tried to get up and get out of the bed. It was already late though, and Jim refused to listen.

"Fuck off, Spock!" He groaned and raced out of the room with almost as much zeal as he had entered there only moments before.

Jim drank grumpily in a dark nook for the rest of the night. He didn't want to be there, but he also didn't want to go back to his spaceship chamber. At the moment, scotch appeared to be the finest choice. All he wanted was to be numb so he wouldn't remember Spock's warm touch on his skin.

Then, of course, Spock's project partner had to emerge, because this was without a doubt the worst night Kirk had ever experienced. The man was trying to make his way through the crowd, obviously looking for Spock.

"Excuse me? Has anyone seen Spock? We came here together? Dark eyes, pointy ears? Ya know, the tall fidgety Vulcan?"

Jim wanted to throw up. This was ridiculous.

"Please, it's very important." The guy pleaded, even though no one seemed to listen. "He has to be back at the Med Bay right now."

Was the Med Bay involved at the time? For what he was about to do, Kirk wanted to kill himself, actually throwing himself out of the Spaceship and falling into the intergalactic void.

"I know where he is," he heard himself say, raising his hand as if he was a freaking student participating in a freaking class! At the time, he despised himself completely. That evening was littered with poor decisions. And, regrettably, he felt powerless to stop himself from completely tearing himself apart.

The guy quickly turned his head and stared at Kirk. "You know where Spock is?" he then asked with a hint of hope and relief being evident in his voice. Maybe Spock was not really an asshole after all.

"Yeah. He's in the bedroom, someplace in the back of this suite."

"I--I uh...don't know where that is?!" the poor guy stuttered and Kirk rolled his eyes.

"Follow me, then," he grumpily said.

Jim was not going to be a jerk if Spock had to go to the Med Bay as a patient and needed to be there for his inflamed wrist - perhaps. Despite the fact that they had fought earlier, he wanted to assist. The plan was to simply point the room to the lad and go back to drinking himself to oblivion. However, as Jim was about to turn around and walk away, he noticed something surprising when he looked at the door the person had just opened. Spock was on the floor, curled up and whimpering. The scene was so stark and visceral that it froze Kirk in place, making him a quiet observer of how the guy promptly sank down on his knees, shaking his partner.

"Spock, mate, are you alright? Can you hear me?"

Kirk cocked his head, his face furrowed in perplexity. As Spock struggled to stand up with the support of his friend, Jim couldn't help but notice that the sleeve on Spock's right hand had risen, revealing... self-harm scars. His jaw dropped in realisation. Spock was in a dark realm where spirits no one could see plagued him mercilessly. He didn't just convey his grief through his wrists. And maybe that's why he was so agitated about taking his pants off. The wrists were something that nearly anyone would overlook. But that could not have been the situation with the remainder of the body. Spock was self-harming, and Jim had arrogantly boasted about his tendinitis.

"Come, I'll get you to the Med Bay," Spock's partner said while throwing one of Spock's arms over his shoulders in order to help him get up and move around easier.

Spock did not object and simply obeyed his friend's orders. However, when he looked up ahead, he spotted Jim still standing at the doorway, dumbfounded and most likely having the most idiotic expression on his face.

"Can you move, please? We really have to get out of here," Spock's project buddy said bringing Kirk back into reality.

"I could help, too. Please let me," he said and went to Spock's side while taking him by the arm in order to support him.

"I am doing quite fine. I do not require a nurse," Spock replied quietly, but rather stubbornly. However, there was no ill will in his voice, simply fatigue and a pang of sadness.

"Shut up. You're too drunk and tired to walk by yourself." Kirk said and without further ado, they left the party.

Back at the Med Bay, Kirk waited for Spock to freshen up and perform whatever his psychiatrist and nurses required of him as part of his daily treatment as well as the extra attention he required that night. Spock soon appeared, this time plainly looking better and calmer than previously. But he was still fatigued, as Kirk could see in his eyes. He still thought he was exceptional, perhaps even more so than before. Perhaps because he was now aware of some of Spock's problems.

'And we're going to face them together. I won't leave you alone,' Kirk thought.

Spock sat on one of the Med Bay's benches, waiting for Jim to join him.

"You did not have to wait for me. " he replied, turning away from Jim. "I must thank you for your help, nonetheless."

"You could trust me, you know," Jim muttered. "About your dark past, that's been haunting you."

Spock scoffed. "Why? So you feel sorry for a mentally unwell boy?"

"So that I could handle you with care..."

Spock made a shaky motion with his head. "I didn't need you to be extra cautious around me, James. All I really wanted was to feel normal and carefree for a change."

Jim remained mute. He wasn't in Spock's shoes, therefore he didn't feel qualified to give him advice just yet.

Spock took a long breath in. "Tonight was the first time in months that I ventured outside of my quarters and the Med Bay. Not to mention that I'm still getting used to the medications that have been administered to me. I very recently began receiving assistance. All I wanted was to feel normal and happy again. To get out, have fun, and talk to a few people."

"You could have told me, though. We could have found something better to do."

"As though it was practically possible for you to want to engage into intimacy with an emotionally crippled and hurt man," Spock retorted fiercely.

At the time, Jim was enraged. Spock had just speculated Kirk would despise him for his condition and had taken Kirk's freedom to determine his own decision. He stood up aggressively and punched the wall behind him.

Spock sighed and rolled his eyes. "Try not to make a scene, if you please."

"We both craved it, Spock, but you cockblocked us and I started to feel like I was a sexual predator."

Spock decided to speak, but Kirk swiftly cut him off.

"I'm still not done. I just like you a lot, okay? I believe you have the most composed body and the most mesmerizing eyes I've ever seen. And I think I'm in love with those lips of yours." Kirk took a deep breath and exhaled slowly. "I don't want to mess this up, is what I'm trying to express. So, how about we start from the beginning?" He extended his arm to shake Spock's hand. "My name is James. You have a stunning smile. Would you like to go on a date with me?"

Spock looked at him with incredulity. Jim's heart was racing faster than it had ever before. He had no idea if Spock would give it another attempt. He prayed he would deep down. Spock was unique, and Jim couldn't escape the idea that if he let Spock leave, they'd both miss out on a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.

Spock appeared gloomy. He clenched his fists, not actually taking Jim's hand.

"James...why do you think I hang out at this clinic quite often?"

"To take care of your scars?" Kirk supposed.

"James, I am clinically depressed," Spock admitted while nervously biting at his lips. His brows were furrowed together, as if he was conentrating. "I am clinically depressed." He said again.

That was a setback. Jim was taken aback by a powerful strike he hadn't anticipated coming. He was struck by it. It was unjust. It was really unfair not to know if he'd be able to manage his sadness or if he'd eventually lose the fight. Kirk was powerless to stop him, which made him want to scream. It made him mad, foolish, powerless, and most emphatically useless. He wished he could change things for Spock. But it was going to be a difficult road for both of them, and he wasn't sure whether they'd make it. Kirk was willing to go that route, though, because he didn't want to lose the special bond he had with Spock. He desired Spock's presence in his life. He wished he could fight beside him.

He was so caught up in his thoughts that he didn't realize he was being so silent, which was probably making Spock uncomfortable. Spock eventually spoke again after a long silence. His tone was relaxed, easygoing, and even welcoming.

"Look, I should really go back to my dorm immediately, okay?" he replied. "I know it's been a strange night, but it was great to meet you. And I had a wonderful time earlier, you see. So, thank you for that. Farewell."

Having said that, Kirk felt Spock give him a little touch on the shoulder before turning around and returning to his quarters.

Spock awoke the next morning, relieved to have made it through another day. It was all too uncertain for him, so he just hoped everything went well. His journey overcoming depression will be difficult. But, even if he survived it all, Spock was certain he'd never take his life for granted again. Despite all the bad things that happened to people, it was a marvel that they were still alive.

He had breakfast and visited his doctor for their usual routine. What he didn't expect to happen was to find Kirk right outside the doctor's office, sitting on the bench they both were sitting the other day.

"James?! What are you doing here?"

"You never gave me an answer." Jim stated. He appeared unusually eager.

Spock raised an eyebrow softly. "An answer?..." he questioned, puzzled.

"Do you want us to start again?"

"James, I ha--"

"I know." Jim interrupted. "But I'm quite the catch. You don't want to miss out on any of this, " he made a clumsy point at himself.

Spock, despite himself, found it endearing and let out a chuckle. But he was still insecure. Jim must have noticed because he continued to talk from the heart.

"The point is, I have a feeling I have a connection with you. And I know you're unwell, and I know it's not going to be easy if we start here. And that may sound strange, and it's probably the last thing on your mind right now. But I believe we can work well together. Don't you think so? I mean, I can't simply let things get in the way of us finding out if— if this isn't meant to be, you know? What if you're the best thing that's ever happened to me, but I walk away from you because of the way things are going? Fuck everything!"

Spock suppressed a grin. "I concur, my friend. Everything is messed up. That's quite a catchphrase."

Spock locked his gaze on his for a brief moment. "You do understand I only attended to that party in expectation of making out with a handsome guy, correct?"

Kirk gave a sly grin. "I understand you have attachment issues. I'm a patient person. I'll finally tire you down."

"I'm incredibly obstinate occasionally."

"I am as well. That is something I admire in a person."

"Also I often snore..." Spock went on.

"I'd love to hear you snore, love."

"I bet you would."

"If I hear you snort, it means I had the opportunity to spend the night with you before you fell asleep. And I'm dying to get my hands on your jeans."

Spock smiled. "Despicable!"

Kirk shrugged casually. "What else can I say? I can't seem to stop behaving like a harlot around you."

Spock flushed bright red, mortified by what he had said to Kirk that night. "I'm so sorry about—"

"I get what you mean now. I was furious with you, but I got over it."

Spock took a deep breath. "You're really sure about this, about giving this a chance?"

Kirk nodded. "Absolutely."

"It might get tough, though."

"If it gets tough, then we're gonna kick its ass. And this we'll be together in this."

"In that case, I think you should take me on a date." he remarked. "I keep on eating the same poor quality food nearly everyday, I'm yearning for something delicious."

"Oh?" Jim clasped Spock's hand and interlaced their fingers. "I know a fantastic restaurant just down the block. It has this pasta alfredo that we can order and..."

They strolled hand in hand down the corridor to Spock's room, Spock laying his head on Jim's shoulder while they planned their first dinner together.