Prologue

It's been 14 hours since I stumbled upon a weird organization called the SCP Foundation.

I thought it was a scam but the abnormality inflicted upon me is proof enough that these people are abnormal bunch of occult weirdos.

"Give up pal, it's hopeless"

Hopelessness indeed, in fact, the worse problem I am facing is not my involvement in the organization or how they treat my life senseless. Like I was drowning in a deep sea of an abyss where the lack of air inhibits my breathing, I have no choice but to let the water kill my brain cells empty.

In fact, my nerves are pretty much likely to explode at any moment in my forehead with my blood pressure rising at extreme levels.

It's been 3 hours since I sat on the throne of gods. Trying to dump my sin to the pit of hell. I screamed in anger since what I am trying to accomplish evinced to me as hopeless, bootless, and unthinkable.

No matter how hard I try to push, even if I exceed my limits or kiss the power of faith. I can't release the accumulated resentment stuck in my rectum.

Yes, my normally functioning butt was replaced by a dysfunctional talking butt ghost.

"You know pal, when I was still alive, I have three wives and they are a bunch of plump booties."

"No one asked, shut up, drop dead, and don't disturb me. How can I take a dump peacefully from now on?"

It was like, my butthole disappeared leaving me with no hope but suffering. With this, what I put inside my stomach will have no way of release. There is no way I can take a dump normally in peace ever again.

"Have you heard the phrase, 'from the ass where the latter enters, to the same ass makes its exit.'?"

"What do you mean?"

"Thou shalt shit in thy mouth"

Seriously, that's disgusting!

Hearing him say that, I screamed once again like an enraged god or Goku accumulating his chakra to push the remnants of shit out of my body.

"Aaaaaaghhhhhhhh!!!"

"Give up"

I feel something rising up my throat, but it is not the shield hero. The taste is uncanny and the putrid scent savors like rotten eggs. I was going to vomit that thing out but I accidentally swallowed it whole, reuniting once again inside my body. One thing is certain, that thing I felt in my tongue is not in any way unfamiliar to me… I am afraid to say it, but… it's a… it's a…

"It's a shit"

"Can you just go away?!"

"Of course not, are you insane? They will kill me, it's far for my dream to be a fuckin Swiss cheese"

Apparently, the butt ghost is subjected to termination because of his repeated attempt at breaching the facility. And because he possessed my butt, the procedure is temporarily halted until they find a way to extract this thing out of my body. But they realized, it was a mission impossible so they decided to contain me with this thing attached instead.

"And besides, have you imagined what will happen if I disappear from your back? Wanna see how your spaghetti wiggle between your legs?"

I gulped. He didn't just particularly possessed my butt, he bit it off so my normally functioning booty is no more. In short terms, I am his hostage.

Furthermore, it means, he is not just a talking butt, he is now my permanent talking butt!

"If I die, you die. If you die, I die. We're stuck together for eternity like a newlywed couple whether you like it or not. Let's just discuss how we refer each other, okay. Honey? Sugar? How many babies do you like?"

"Just die already"

From time to time, this butt stuck at my back is always talking even if I tried to ignore him out. He is really getting on my nerves. The foundation gave me a shitty room with no aircon and TV, and the first thing that came from this butthole of mine was "Even my toilet is better than this". Oh boy, I was fucked when Ink prohibited me from using any toilet bowl so instead, I am using an alternative, the trash can.

I can't cheat my way out as even the comfort room is equipped with several CCTV high-quality cameras. There is no privacy in the foundation, said by the wise girl named Ink. So whenever I take a bath, my naked beautiful body is exposed to the sight of petty humans.

"Be careful what you wish for honey pie, you don't know what kind of organization they are, you don't know how many have died because of them. They might just decide to kill you just to exterminate me, sugar… booger…"

He said in a luscious tone.

"Stop calling me with weird names, I want a divorce. Just wait, the foundation will find a way to extract you."

"Honey bear, you're mean. Is that how you treat your cute wife? I regret marrying you"

"Wait, woah… you're a girl?"

"Of course not."

I felt, talking to him is entirely useless so I washed my butt instead while trying to drown the fool with water.

"Ague-gugh-agh-hag"

I discovered that it is an extremely effective torture method.

Then a loud beep roars the room. Next to it, a neutral female voice emerges.

[Attention to new recruits… Attention to new recruits… Proceed to Room 47 at Sector 3 for a short evaluation]

The notification was repeated multiple times before it finally halted.

A few minutes have passed and as instructed, I come in forth in front of a metallic door with a label 47 inscribed with white paint. As the notification declares, I am not the only new guy here.

I must make an impression, or else my future coworkers will give me a cold shoulder. With all the fucked up events happening inside this facility, it is ideal to get along with other people so that someone will help me if I messed up.

The power of friendship is absolute, said by the wise girl named Ink in a magical girl uniform. Of course, she didn't really say it but it is a common proverb that cooperation is the key to a job well done.

I just hope, everything will be fine and my coworkers are not a scary bunch of thugs.

I opened the door slowly.

What stumbled upon me are a group of guys screaming and brawling at each other butt naked trying to kill one another by either choking them or smashing their face inside their skull.

They all stared at me and everything became silent. They almost look the same, muscular old men in their 40's with some scars here and there, and sometimes… all over the place. Their faces are screaming 'I already killed people in the past, come be my next victim.' I felt like I am inside a horror movie.

I closed the door.

"The hell? What the hell?"

"What's wrong? Intimidated?"

Asked by my butt. The next thing I know is that my hands can't stop shaking and I am already soaked with sweat. I don't know, on the other side of the door is already world war three with Vladimir Putin declaring war with Ukraine and the pressure is killing me!

"Those are the class D's... death row convict, criminals from several countries who commit inhuman actions beyond ordinary comprehension, they are a bunch of murderers, psychopaths, and killers."

"Aren't those all the same?"

"I know pal, I know. Rest in peace"

That made it worse. They are all murderers. Why am I getting lumped with a bunch of criminals? What did I do to deserve this?!

"Just don't let your ass get kicked"

I am splitting my own mind into two, having a second thought if I shall enter the room or not. It felt like entering means suicide and not entering is also a suicide. All my actions will lead to a bad route. Mama, help me!

"Boy"

Somebody groped my ass that I instinctively squeak a short eek. I looked back and saw a gigantic muscular old black man with long black and slender dreadlocks that could be mistaken as a cleaning mop. He was groping my ass with both of his hands and feeling it with a creepy smile on his face.

This is bad, I can't handle a pervert, my face turned pale like a white shit.

"You're not my type"

The old man said and his face turned hostile fading away from his smirk then soon kicking my ass causing me to crash into the door and slumping with my face, kissing the white floor.

My face literally scrubbed towards the ground. Touching my mouth and I saw blood dripping out of my nose. I wanted to say 'ouch' but forget it, these people are criminals that if I show any signs of weakness, they might turn me into a woman. My dignity is at stake here so I stand up and pretended to be a tough guy.

But…

My butt…

"Ouch, shit, it hurts, my butt virginity goddamn it!"

It's not me! It's my butt. But, I have no choice but to pretend I said it because letting them know I have a talking butt will be a disaster.

The crowd laughs vehemently. This is embarrassing…

[Butt man, don't make a fuss and take a seat]

Did the monitor just spoke at me? Maybe it is a remote-controlled speaker by the Class Bs' to avoid interacting directly with the criminals. Way to go and avoid harm brainiacs!

I don't have a choice so I sat beside a guy who was less intimidating than the others. He has a dark pair of eyes and black hair with yellowish blond ends that seems unnatural to his pale young face. Everyone also started to settle down and sat, with one guy totally bleeding to death laying still on the ground.

Does anyone want to help the guy? Of course none.

The light on the room fades and then the two and a half meter wide monitor glows brightly. It started.

[dame dame dame dame na atashi wo~~ aistene~~]

I can't believe they are playing Japanese anime-like music into a group of psychopaths and perverts. And what's that? Is that a Vtuber?

Everyone is silent and serious, disinterested in what they are seeing except for one guy wearing thick eyeglasses who attempted to dance but stopped instantly by a sudden slap in the shoulder.

After the opening music. An avatar famous in the online community introduced herself to us.

[Yokoso Mina-san. I am your guide, Class 5 Sapient AI approved by the Artificial Intelligence Applications Division, codename Tenshi, AKA SCP-3101-B. Welcome to the Maintenance and Utility Division, convicts. The briefing will start at 3… 2… 1…]