Butt Friends Forever

What's going on? Where am I?

The silence was deafening, I could hear the clock ticks. Nervously, I scanned my body and I found out that my hands were restrained by a clacking piece of metal locked at my back. I can't see anything, it was too dark but the moment they removed the blindfold balking my sight, the light blinded me by that I instinctively closed my eyes.

"You're finally awake. Nice to meet you Johan Robinson"

I can't see her face but I knew she's a woman based solely on her high-pitched voice. She's wearing a black hazmat suit in a plain style and reading with her hands is a black folder engraved with a strange white logo.

I started to sweat hard, hazmat suit is already a red flag that something bad is going on, it may be an epidemic or intense radiation. I vaguely remember what happened before I came here.

Right… I was at the toilet giving my best shot to produce the best shit. Then something bad happened…

Somebody talked to me and told me I am a wolf, then I burst out laughing and then…

I tried to arrange the broken pieces of my memories together and then emulate the best possible scenario… I came up with the most credible conclusion based on empirical evidence and logical reasoning that concur with my contemporary situation which provides veracity in candor to the systematic law of epistemological knowledge.

I forgot to wipe off my butt.

Oh god, so that's why she's wearing a hazmat. It now makes sense. It's all coming up together.

And then I realized… why am I restrained with a handcuffed? Why is it necessary that are there 2 men carrying a high-quality rifle and pointing it towards my back when the only problem is my sanitary necessity? Is my dung kinda like a bioweapon that nearly created a zombie apocalypse and almost destroys the city? Impossible right?

I just need a bar of soap or a tissue, not another butthole.

"Where am I? Why am I here? Uh, why am I handcuffed? I didn't murder someone, didn't I? I am innocent, I promise. I believe in god and pray 3 times a day, I swear. "

"Rest assured that you didn't murder anyone. Unfortunately, I cannot answer the rest of your supposed questions. I am here to conduct an appropriate questioning for you as a witness of a certain paranormal event. My name is Ink, persons at your back are known as Wolf and Snake."

Paranormal event? Do they mean, ghost? I want to scratch my head in anxiety but the restraints in my hands prevented me to do so, I used my shoulder instead.

Butt ghost! I remember now… Someone bit my buttocks out and then I lose consciousness. I tried to feel my butt… and here it is, that must be a dream or a hallucination, thank goodness.

"I am at SCP Foundation? I thought it was just a myth"

"How did you know?"

The woman asked then stares confusedly at one of the armed guys at my back. It looks like, she found it mysterious that I knew the name of her supposed organization. But the solution is just quite simple, I stare at the folder on her hands which clearly indicated the letters, SCP all caps, and the word foundation that were capitalized.

The armed guys followed my gaze and after they determined how, they sighed in disappointment.

"Oh god"

The muscular man at my back sighed disappointingly covering his own eyes with his left hand. Unlike the woman, the persons at my back are wearing formal uniforms evincing their identity at my sight. He is a bearded man around 40- 50 years of age with a scar on his right eye, at first glance, I could tell he is a soldier or a similar sort. Based on his voice, I could tell he is the man I spoke to the other time around in the restroom, Snake, the big boss.

"Even a Class B Personnel could make mistakes. Don't worry Ms. Ink. Hahahahaha"

The other guy who laughed fervently is a petite young man around 20 – 25 years of age. Wearing an unpaired piece of golden ring pierced on his ears and a mole on his lower left eye. Compared to the other guy, he is relatively smaller but I think we have the same height. I guess, he is the man named Wolf.

SCP Foundation is a collection of horror stories on the internet, right? It even has a fandom that clearly dictates their existence but according to the fans, they are supposed to be a secret organization working beyond the laws of human morality and government.

Is this a prank?

"This only happens because you slack during work"

"Impossible hahahaha"

Snake started to berate the Wolf guy, but instead, he just laugh it off. Surprisingly, the woman named Ink burst into laughter with him and then Snake, as an aftereffect of the social phenomenon called conformity laughs confusedly among the crowds. Because of the laughter, they didn't notice that Ink is already drawing out her silver gun.

Hehe, I nervously laugh with them for an entirely different reason.

"Hahaha"

She pointed the gun towards Wolf who instantaneously became silent, I could totally see the shock and paleness pertinent in his face.

She's not going to shoot us, isn't she? But, I admire her effort for props and cospla—

*BANG*

Fucking hell, she pulled the trigger!

Immediately, Wolf dodge the bullet by curling to the ground like a dying millipede.

"I'm sorry okay, I'm sorry"

Is he pissing on his own pants? The answer is yes.

Then Ink pointed the gun at me.

"It doesn't matter. His life ends here so it doesn't matter. You have two options Johan Robinson, do you want to die? Or do you want to die? You have 1 second. Choose."

There is only one option you shitty psychopath!

"I—"

"Time's up, pity Johan Robinson, you have chosen death. Goodbye."

"WHEN I WAS A CHILD!!"

What am I saying?? I don't know, I just blurted it out in the heat of the moment. But it caught her attention stopping her attempt in pulling the trigger.

"When I was a child, I wore my mother's bra!!"

"Pfft… that's a good one"

Wolf said, completely recovering from his afeard state like nothing ever happened. He's still reeks of urine though.

Clicking her tongue, Ink pulled the trigger.

*Clack*

But it was already unloaded. It seems the last bullet was shot at Wolf before it was pointed at me.

"Bang… you died here today Johan Robinson. Don't be so worked up, I am just here to ask you some questions. Relax."

That's not reassuring at all! She threatened me! After she shot the gun, she has the guts to say relax!

"Johan Robinson, do you want to live? I want to hear your answer from your own mouth."

"Of course, I want to live."

"Then, do you want to work in our organization?"

Working… here? Is this a prank? It's a prank, isn't it? Who would work in an imaginary organization? But the gun is real like… what the heck?!

This time, I saw Ink loading the gun with real bullets.

"I uhh, free wifi? "

She stares at me dubiously, we stare at each other for several seconds in silence before she drops off her answer in a serious voice.

"We offer you 3 times a day access for free food, free room, clothes, coffee, medicines, everything necessary for survival is available. But… you will refrain from interacting with the outside world."

"What do you mean?"

"As I said before, you died. It is either your die physically, or die socially. Once you step foot in our organization, there is no way out but through death. Snake, release his handcuffs"

As she said, Snake released my restrains and then Ink gave me her gun by striking it to the wooden table causing a loud bang. She sat haughtily in a manner like that of an old delinquent guy.

"So what will it be little boy, do you want this job, or will you choose the other way around?"

Logically, I pointed the gun at her. This is a real gun. If I shoot her, she will die but she didn't even flinch like she's confident that I can't do it.

Of course, I can't, there are two rifles pointed towards my head!

"Okay, I'm in"

I drop the gun at the table striking it louder than hers. It accidentally fired, luckily, no one was struck. The shock caused me to jump away from the gun.

"Welcome to the Foundation boy, your identity as Johan Robinson is no more. Your new name will be Class E Personnel Number 77-032"

Showing me the content of the folder, I saw my face in a document along with a bunch of letters and more letters with a red mark engraved the word 'HIRED'. After that, the guys shook my hands and welcomed me in a satisfied tone.

"Nice working with you"

"Welcome and Nice working with you, new guy."

"Nice working with you, boss."

Huh? I thought it was strange... Counting the people here, there are only two guys and one girl. But I heard another male voice. I looked around and I found no one other than us. Where is he? Or maybe it is just my imagination.

"Your temporary codename is 'Joker', get along well with SCP-789-J"

"What do you mean?"

Ink crossed her arms and then speaks.

"Did I forget to tell you? The butt ghost could possess other butts"

I started to drench heavily as I heard the word 'butt ghost'. My heart raced faster than ever before that it outmatched the tick of the clock.

"She's right boss, we are now butt friends forever"

And the terror hits me hard when my butt started to talk under my pants.