Life Eternal

August 21st, 2019, 4:00pm:

 Just got out of the hospital, two days ago now. Also they are done working on our apartment. I had a major psychosis where I was paranoid and had mania. It was so bad it was painful.

  Random thoughts: I don't know if I ever want to get married, because schizoaffective disorder is so exhausting. I wish I could have a family and wife in this lifetime but my future looks so bleak. All I have is writing to keep me sane.

   You know I was thinking Satan and those spirits might be able to obtain bodies. It's not like they could hurt us if they wanted to. We would have perfected bodies.

   Also I was reading Alma 5:1-15 in Institute and we were challenged to apply it to our purpose. I think my purpose is to help give everyone the opportunity for repentance and salvation.

  These are random thoughts like I said and they are a little scattered. Bare with me. I was just thinking about how a loving being who created us could have us go through so many trials? Painful and patient bearing trials? I mean what is the real purpose? It really is hard to imagine that He really cares in the moment of affliction.  The problem is my affliction is chronic. It will most likely never go away until the next life. It's very difficult not being able to trust your own mind. It affects everything.

 Yes my ideas are crazy and out there, but I have felt prompted to have them. Also prompted to share them with you.

  "For this is life eternal that they might know the true and everlasting God." I think God is more forgiving than we give him credit for. Maybe He is more just than I realize. But I know that He loves all of His children.

   Anyway, I'm so exhausted. I have a very low lack of energy each day.

   I want to accomplish so much in this life, but it seems so impossible. I couldn't imagine believing that we all happened by chance and that there is no plan for after we die. I just couldn't imagine that there is nothing next. Everyday is a struggle. A struggle to want to be alive. I love life but at the same time I don't. I really don't want to be here. My life feels like a joke. Sometimes I wonder why I am still alive. I overdosed last year and sometimes I wish I would have never woken up. To be honest. I feel like I don't belong here, and that there is not much joy in this life for me. Like I said I'll probably be single the rest of my life.

   Anyway, this is how I naturally feel everyday. But because of God He needs me here for some reason and I hope my books can help others.

6:13pm:

I was studying up on the millennium and this YouTube video said Satan will be loosed after the thousand years to test the agency of those at that time. Then his followers will be cast out forever. I just don't understand why I keep having the spirit tells me that they have a chance. I cried about it yesterday because they feeling was so strong. I guess some or most people say I'm idiotic but I still feel like and think that they might be able to be forgiven. Then again probably not. Maybe Satan is whispering that to me. I don't know. I'm just going to love my enemies. At least try to.

   I have to say it is because of Christ that I am alive. I know Satan wants me to end my life. That's obviously not from God. But I forgive him. I just wonder what life would be like if Satan had never fallen?

August 22nd 8:00am:

Wanted to go on a walk this morning but it's raining… It can be difficult to stay positive and motivated with schizoaffective disorder. Maybe people experience similar symptoms but ever since being diagnosed it has intensified. I wanted to finish this financial needs analysis for work but it was so hot that I didn't feel like walking all the way to the office. It may sound like I have plenty of excuses and I'm not very positive but that's the reality of it.

12:32pm:

Just saw this quote today: 

   "How cool is it that the same God who created mountains and oceans and galaxies looked at you and thought the world needed one of you, too."

   Another one of my favorite quotes which is actually a scripture is Ecclesiastes 3:1-8. It basically says there is a time and a season for everything under the Heavens. 

   In our lives we go through seasons done for me seem to go by pretty fast with my anxiety and slower with my depression. 

I woke up about 5 to 6 times last night.

3:19pm:

   I want to keep the commandments so that Jesus isn't alone.

5:00pm:

 I just found out that schizoaffective disorder can be worse than schizophrenia or bipolar.

August 26th 2019, 7:15am:

  "Let virtue garnish thy thoughts unceasingly." (D&C 121:45)

 "You will grow in knowledge, strength, and power. You can receive His image in your countenance and be spiritually born of him. (See Alma 5:14)"

   "Fill your life with truth, righteousness, peace, and faith." "As you fill your life with goodness, there will be no room for pornography and other sources of spiritual darkness." 

   When you study the scriptures or anything else you are supposed to teach to your needs.

   Sorry my thoughts are going to be random.

   My roommate has been gone for two days and I'm having to take care of his dogs. I don't mind if he asked me and I do it anyway because I am his friend, but he needs to take responsibility. He is wearing my clothes which I obviously need. He is just too lazy to wash his own, and if not lazy, he needs to tell me he needs help. I'm such a nice guy I won't really say anything, but this has to stop. He hasn't been helping clean and now we have fleas everywhere. It's so annoying. Sorry Adam if you have to read this but you know better. Plus my depression is coming over me. It's great. It's mainly fatigue. I'm just tired of the apartment being a disaster.

Personal revelation:

My will for you is to become rich so that you may help my people. I need you and I want you to win. I want you to succeed. Work, expose yourself to people, and you will run into the right people for your business. Please trust in my timing and try to follow your schedule. I want you to prospect everyday. It is the most important thing you can do for your business. There will be opposition, but continue to believe in the company. Believe everyone needs it because they do. Remember the self reliance classes. Find out about them. Return missionaries will be your gold mine. You need to build relationships with them.

 Talking to Brother Smith:

Responsibilities:

Family

Self

Job

Church

   I need for you to master prospecting and then everything else will fall into place. What do you need to do? Build relationships.

You need 10 solid people that's about it.

10 names and numbers a day you can go home. Until then you need to work and I will help you build relationships. You will have the spirit as you are worthy and I will guide you. I love you and I want you to win. Now go build relationships.

2pm Personal revelation:

You were meant to get a hold of Good one no doubt. He needs your faith in his life.

   So I saw an old friend in the mall while I was prospecting, side note I don't know if I can listen to heavy rock anymore. It doesn't give me the peace that church or Christian music does. I don't know really might seem ridiculous but I want peace.  

   I feel so lost. Prospecting isn't easy I don't care who you are. I don't want to be 40 until I make money. I might as well do psychology or psychiatry. I really don't like rejection and getting nowhere. I've been working for 3 months and have made nothing. I know you have to be licensed to make money but I think I'd rather do something else even though I feel…

    Haven't written in my journal for a little bit. Been setting up appointments for work and it seems to be going pretty well. I think God wants me to do Primerica even though it's difficult. I know God gives His hardest battles to His toughest soldiers.

4:32pm:

    I guess I am staying with Primerica. I think it Is my only way out. Also made $7 on my poetry book recently. I am grateful for Primerica in my life. I just really need to get myself out there and I really need the Lord's help. I'm doing my best. I work everyday. Sometimes it doesn't feel like enough. Finding balance is very difficult and I have to remember that life's a journey not a race. I feel like I just don't have enough time or I just run out of time. I want to learn and to go outside my comfort zone and it is hard. At least I am doing something each and everyday. I know as I put the kingdom of God first and His righteousness I will be blessed. I know I will. It's like, did I read enough scriptures today? Am I doing all God asks?

   I was listening to a talk today and the speaker said the best way to control your mind from filth is to read and study the scriptures. I want to do, "Come Follow Me," but I don't feel motivated to.

    I just got off the phone with this family that I met at the mall and they are struggling financially and are on the break of divorce. The husband's income just got cut by a quarter I believe. I pray that Heavenly Father, that you will allow me to help them and I pray that they will give Primerica a chance to save their marriage. It could only help. I want to save their marriage.

Journey's End

Me:

I cry on this journey; full of tears

Am I doing enough for you God?

God:

This journey you have been on for so many years

Let me dry up all your tears and silence all of your doubts and fears

Shame will try to claim you

But I do love you

Don't listen to the devil and his dark spiritual crew

They'll sink your ship if you aren't on the go

Set your sails but don't flee like a dow

Load your cannons with faith, hope, and love

Treat your enemies with the weapons that come from up above

For your ship will sprout wings and soar like a dove

Out of reach from the danger and possible collateral damage 

You'll soar above the waves and sail the deep blue skies

You're freed from Satan who only defies

You'll wonder, how did this happen?

It is through my grace that you may be like angels and sprout wings

Can you hear Heaven now? Oh how it sings?

Your now holy vessel will meet the harbor of Heaven

You'll definitely be greeted by more than seven

When you have met your journey's end

You'll be honored by our master, savior, and friend.

And He'll say:

"Thank you for doing your very best

Enter into my kingdom and take your rest."

By Bradley J. Copeland

August 30th 9:06pm

To God:

I'm grateful I have a girlfriend now and I hope I don't annoy her because I talk a lot, so I decided to talk to you. Hopefully you don't get annoyed with me even though I sin. I know that can be disappointing because you see so much in me. You see so much in everyone and I try to do the same. It's wild that I am dating and I hope we go far. I know I need to do things besides Facebook and messaging. I try to have balance in my life and I love you. I love Haley, I really do and I hope it grows exponentially. We started dating very quickly. Kinda nervous to be honest. I'm not really ready but you might think I a.m. I don't mind at all I really care about her. I don't know that I can say, "I love you," yet. It will take time. Glad she found a show she likes. I really need to do family history and "Come Follow Me."

Blessed Beyond Measure

You called me and I did answer

You told me I was worthy of maybe a dance with her

You even knighted me as a "Sir"

You told me that I am royalty

And honored me for my loyalty

You called me upon the waters like Peter

Oh how my faith likes to teeter

You saved me from my agony and pain

And blessed me beyond any worldly fame

I love you dear Lord hopefully this poem isn't lame

But I know it is Satan trying to play his game

Of shame and doubt of course

It's like stealing a woman's purse

Ya, it doesn't make sense

I can rhyme if I want to

But I'm just full of gratitude 

I'm not really writing to show any attitude

I'm grateful for you, oh how you care

With all of my worry, sin, and pain you do bear

Saying I love you is more than fair

You deserve so much and I give you so little

Bearing my burdens must make you brittle

I think that, but you are indeed very strong

And you help me when I'm in the wrong

You make my wrongs right

Oh what a beautiful sight

To be in your kingdom, to walk in the light

I would live in your shadow, for I do follow you

Never giving up is something I strive to do

We need each other through thick and thin

When I fall, you say you love me even then

Each day you will see me on bended knees

Thanking you for fulfilling my wants and my needs.

By Bradley J. Copeland

Upon the Heart

Man looketh upon the outward appearance

But God looketh upon the heart

I look upon your heart even though your outward is beautiful

Who you are makes me joyful

Your burdens are for me to willfully bear

While worries seem to vanish into thin air

When I'm with you it's hard to be blue

I'm willing to see you come through

Come through to see your dreams come true

I'm the one who sees you for you

You are unique and I'm very different

But loving you is something I can get with it

Yes, we have our differences 

But they make us strong

Being different is not being in the wrong

It can actually seem like parts to a song

You have the words and then the music

Without each other it isn't logic

It just wouldn't be valid but then again you are the music to the story

And sometimes my words are not exactly worthy

You can have music without words but having lyrics isn't for the birds

They sing but you have to take it to heart

Giving the words is just not their part

Same in our relationship we each bring gifts the other does not

But looking for faults is not what I sought

I saw your sweet soul

And how it's so full

Full of love, hope, and you're definitely not dull

You have a story to tell and I hope I can be in it

Oh, how I hope that this slipper fits

You're my princess and I'm your prince

I loved you from the start and it totally makes sense

I feel like I knew you before

Before you walked into the door

My life has changed and I hope for the best

For the rest of our lives, it will be a fest

Never give up and never surrender

We are meant for greatness and much grandeur.

By Bradley J. Copeland

September 1st 2019, 6:30am:

  I feel kind of empty and I think it is because I have been playing this video game on my phone. Also I don't remember if I wrote about Haley Kilburn but she is my girlfriend now. She is very sweet so far and she seems to have similar values which is important. She is not a member of the church and she doesn't want to have kids because of her health issues but I still care about her. We went to the mall yesterday and had a pretty good time. I was able to get her four necklaces because there was a sale. They were actually for her birthday which was earlier this month. Well last month.

Today is fast Sunday and I want to fast about being virtuous, losing weight, my career, and my health. I also want to fast for missionary opportunities. Want to take things slow with Haley because we don't have a whole lot in common yet, but we have similar values and she is actually giving me a chance I guess. By the way those last two poems were about her. Especially the last one. I just Want to do the right things. Be her friend, get to know her a little better. I don't know yet. We might end up as just good friends, we will see. She's not much into what I'm am into. I'm trying to encourage her to read even though she has disabilities. I see a lot of potential in her.

10:00am (Fast and Testimony Meeting at church):

I know Joseph Smith is a true prophet.

"We are a lot more useful than we think we are." -Jordan

"Simply say what you know." -Elder Fogg

"The answer to anything is serving other people." -Elder Fogg

"We should love him because He loves us." -Ben

"God's love is the most basic thing we can know." -Andrew Clarkson

"If we know our identity we will know our destiny." -Andrew Clarkson

Doing family history is important.

"If you rush to your destination you'll never enjoy the journey." -Caden

" Say, 'I love you' " -Izzy

I know that God doesn't just talk to a few of His children. I'm grateful for the Book of Mormon and the prophets and apostles today.

"There is no shame in reaching out to someone for help." -Katie

11:03am:

 I'm grateful for church, but I'm so tired. Had a weird dream last night and it didn't help me feel rested. I'm grateful for my trials, I'm grateful  for my blessings, I'm even grateful for those that hate me and use me. For I have learned forgiveness. Thank you dear Lord for loving me enough to cut me down when I am prideful. (Still tired)

2:29pm:

 Got to hangout at Haley's today. I had a great time. No, we didn't have sex, but we did kiss for the first time. I don't look at Haley like an object, I see her as a daughter of God. One of the prophets said, "Don't be the reason a woman could not receive her temple covenants." Yes, I am trying to be virtuous. The past does not define us, but we still need to learn from it and to better. Just like President Nelson says, "We can do better and we can be better." We need to.

    The greatest thing we can do is to cry repentance in our lifetime. We shouldn't objectify women. We should love and care about them and their feelings. Life is not just about sex, but it is important in a sealed marriage. Children are important and I'm against abortion of course.

    Life is very short and I hope that I can help Haley to get her guardianship back.

Unbroken Hero

Disabilities are hidden abilities

Not to be ridiculed by Sadducees

Some people may judge you thinking you are  subpar

But I see an eagle ready to soar to the stars

You have empathy beyond any other

You strive to understand; it doesn't bother

I see you for you, you are unique

It is your love that I do seek

I see that you have so much worth

I'm glad you chose to come down to earth

You're not a burden, you are a blessing

There is no need for you to be stressing

There is no need to keep you guessing

So I'll say it again you are totally worth it

Every little bit and every wit

You are a hero in my eyes

And you're here to influence so many lives

I see your potential and all you have to offer

Bigger than life, more than a lover

Legends never die, they will only carry you

You are my Legend, you are my compass

You'll help me come through

Together we can overcome our weaknesses

They will turn into our strengths, are you hearing this?

We'll conquer each day like it's our last

We'll own our dreams, no matter how vast.

By Bradley J. Copeland