10 Chapter 8: How to talk with OP protagonists
It turned out that nobody in the whole village was nearly as happy to see Shisui alive as the Sandaime, who didn't lose a single second before promising him that he would do his everything within his power to make sure that no other tragedy ever befell the Uchiha. Many attributed this exuberant behavior to the Sandaime's will of fire and honest love for the village; a few others, who knew the truth of the massacre, believed this to be the guilt driving the actions from the old man.
Sasuke knew better, a shiver ran down his spine everytime he remembered the smile on the old man's decrepit face when he praised Shisui and said that the older Uchiha truly had the all the qualities to make an excellent Hokage. That monster.
Offering a silent prayer for his future overworked older cousin, Sasuke spent most of time training in the way of the blade…the kitchen blade. The sound of the sharp knife hitting the wooden surface of the cutting board was almost as magical as the godly voice of David Bowie singing about an astronaut suffering a long and agonizing death in infinite cold of space. Truly, if it weren't for the fact that a psycho moon MILF goddess had a convoluted and frankly nonsensical plan to suck everyone dry (drain their chakra), he would have said ¨fuck to the ninja life¨ and opened a restaurant…on a second thought, he would probably need to know stab people with a kunai if he expected to survive the Akimichi, those fat-asses were really competitive when cooking was involved.
Cooking was a very therapeutic activity that required all his focus, letting him forget about stressful things such as his life being part of a low quality fanfic and the geese. He truly enjoyed the smell of the tomato pie cooling down on the window and the birds singing on the outside only made this sight even more picturesque (even though he was pretty sure that the mocking bird at the top of the third tree to the right was Iwa shinobi in disguise).
*THUD*
A large hunk of iron fell from the sky and crashed in his kitchen, completely destroying a good section of it…his poor tomatoes.
¨Why is there an exact replica of Dragonslayer from Berserk nailed in my floor? Is this a signal from David Bowie?¨
Just as Sasuke was wondering about all the possible meanings of God deciding to almost killing him by throwing something too big too thick, too heavy, and too rough to be called a sword at his house, he heard an androgynous voice coming from his front door.
"Bastard."
"Hn. I will let you know I knew both of my parents, thank you very much. Hn." Sasuke replied instinctively. After the massacre took place, he spent a decent amount of time practicing in the Uchiha's sacred language and talking shit about the Nidaime. He was still not great at the former, but it was work in progress.
"Is this another one of your cruel games? I was just training my dual wielding using the secret legendary swords from the ninth and eight swordmasters from the hidden mist when suddenly my fuinjutsu barrier explode sending Masamune to your house. Don't you have enough with laughing at me at the academy like everyone else? You sick bastard."
Well, there was at least a 90% of chances this was a Naruto from a bashing fanfic, which didn't make any since Sasuke clearly remembered seeing a normal Naruto in his class at the academy. But once again, this was a fanfic written for a lazy fanfic author for horny readers, nobody really cared about plot consistency.
As long the universe didn't try to ship him with genderbent Naruto, he could take any kind of bullshit. Actually, fuck any form of shipping, he didn't even have the hormones for that kind of stuff yet. Why can't the author and horny readers let him have a fulfilling life that doesn't include romance? He wasn't emotional mature enough for that.
"I will literally pay you a year worth of ramen if your name isn't Naruko." Was the first thing that came out from Sasuke's mouth after the opened the door in a hurry.
"What was that, teme?" Replied angrily an androgynous looking kid with a blond hair that covered their ears but that wasn't long enough to be called feminine. "You know very well that my name is Naru*o. If you want to start a fight, just say it."
At the very least, that confirmed that the abomination in front of the young Uchiha was not necessarily an heterosexual woman. They could easily be another one of those totally not an OC Narutos that wanted a harem, whose members would all be incredible strong and sexy kunoichis with tits more detailed than their personalities, even though they lived in a monogamist society. Or they could be a Naruko that happened to be lesbian or was into older men like Kakashi. As long as Sasuke didn't try compete against them for any kind of waifu or husband, he should be fine.
Unless…
The Uchiha looked at the sky and silently swore to David Bowie if this happened to be one of those weird M pregnancy fics, he would cut his dick with a rusty spoon and then commit suicide via Danzo.
"So, Naru*o." Sasuke had no idea how he managed to pronounce that as it was not even a real sound. "Are you a boy or a girl?"
"Are you mocking me?"
"I will literally buy you your weight on ramen if you answer this question."
That calmed them down. Enabling addictions for the win.
"I already told you. My name is Naru*o."
For a brief moment, our MC pondered over the possibility the universe hated him with fervent passion, which is understandable given how many times he ignored its laws and set water on fire.
"What do you have inside your pants?"
"Ramen, duh! " They answered while taking out a cheap ramen cup from their pants.
¨You know what? Fine, fuck this shit.¨
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(Author's commentary: Howdy, dear readers. My associates are concurrently hunting the MC, who decided to try to escape from the universe by breaking the fourth wall, down.
Usually, I would have told you a joke while we wait for his inevitable capture, but I didn't prepare any…unless you count my life as one.
HAHAHAHAhahaha…aa… In insight, that was sadder than it was funny.
Actually, just enjoy this picture of a puppy while we wait...)
Well, since his escape from reality failed almost as bad as the author at being a decent human being. (Author: Why do I even bother to write this down?), Sasuke decided to he should leave the question about their gender for later. Right now he had to deal with an OP, non-binary, totally not a OC, Naru*o.
"So...do you want your sword back?"
"What? Do you want me beg like a weakling you can kick to the ground?" They spited on the ground, staining the floor. "Good luck with that, I am not the same as the past. "
Sasuke raised an eyebrow at that. "We are eight years old. There isn't that much ¨past¨ behind us."
"Maybe for you and your arrogant mindset, but I have spent years training myself to the bone inside one secret chamber created by my ancestors. One day outside was like a full year inside it…mentally and spiritually speaking."
And that was how this fanfic just introduced the typical Hyperbolic Time Chamber that doesn't really make them grow older. Keep reading this and you may see some ice phoenixes.
"I literally hadn't interacted with to you till today." Sasuke tried to defend himself using logic and facts.
"HA, you admit you ignored my existence as if I wasn't worthy of your time."
Sadly for him, this was a bashing fanfic.
"More like we had different groups of friends." He muttered to himself. "OH, you got me. You are way stronger than me and I am afraid of fighting you. Please have mercy, take your sword and leave. You want to be Hokage, right?"
"I will be Hokage, believe it. " At least they were not saying dattebayo, that would have been too much for Sasuke's sanity.
"If you I promise to leave me alone, I shall make use of all my connections and recommend you as a candidate for the title of Rokudaime"
Naru*o stared at him inquisitively, as if they were trying to solve a puzzle.
"Why not Godaime?" They asked very carefully.
"My older cousin was already selected for that. He is concurrently training with the Sandaime."
"You…you BASTARD."
"Again, I knew my parents and they apparently loved me a lot, thank you very much."
"You didn't have enough with belittling and insulting me as if I were less than dirt to your eyes. Now you decided to take my dream away from me and then treated it as something worthless."
Their chakra started to become visible the naked eye and a powerful aura that felt like death itself made its presence be known.
"Always smug about being praised as a genius while I was treated like a pariah." Spikes of an ever-growing red energy covered their body, they chakra was still flaring up with a scary intensity. "And now you spit at my effort to become someone that everyone would come to respect. "
Mmmhh, maybe this was one of those shitty fanfics where they would beat the living shit out of a flanderized version of a character before starting to collect their harem.
At the face of death, Sasuke decided to make use of the only thing that stand against this kind of thing.
GOOSE.
He instinctively took the summoning scroll from his pocket and inserted most of his chakra reserves into it. Since he was fighting an OP totally not OC MC, he may as well abuse the use of his own OP summon.
*HONK* *HONK*
A powerful war honk let itself to be heard by everyone in the vicinity, challenging anyone who dared to cross the way of the powerful prince of the geese, Bobby.
"Don't worry, boss. I will stab this…guy? girl? Person. I will stab this person."
Normally, that would be more than enough to make Sasuke feel safe, but the smirk in Naru*o's lips didn't do much to appease his fears.
"A battle between summons?" The smirk grows bigger as they grabbed their own summoning scroll. "Now you will see the true power of the last descent of the forgotten Ryu clan."
Suddenly, a gargantuan creature appeared from the scroll. The monster's muscular body was similar to a snake in the same way a bathtub is similar to the sea, its sheer size alone was more than enough to cover the sun and replacing the celestial body with its own shining red scales.
Its fang of claws almost felt redundant as the beast could easily destroy any building in the village with just a lazy swipe of its seemingly powerful tail.
At the sight of the giant dragon Sasuke couldn't help but to arrive to a single conclusion…he was fucked.
Swallowing his fear, he gave a youthful shining smile and a thumb up to his loyal summon.
"You got this, Bobby."
The summoned goosling looked at him with empty eyes, then at the giant dragon, and then at him once again.
"Boss, you really deserve to be called the Antichrist."
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Kakashi's POV:
There was something special in spending a your free day eating dango while reading the Icha-Icha book that just came out last week. Most people call them stupid porn, but those are stupid barbarians that don't understand the subtle intricacies of the beautiful and seductive plot…and the book's plot is also decent, Kakashi guessed.
*HONK* *HONK*
The silver haired shinobi didn't even blink when he head the cries of a very scared duck running for its life. Soon, he saw Sasuke and a goosling being chased down by Naru*o who was riding the head of a giant dragon while yelling insults that didn't make any sense.
That…didn't surprise him as much as it should.
Well, at least he still had some beers in his fridge.
