Sadhvi

It was a hot afternoon in Muzzaffarnagar, and I was stuck in traffic at the densely crowded Gandhi Market alongwith my mother. Ordinarily it would have been very irritating to wait for the traffic to clear up, amidst the shouting, horns and the heat, but mother and daughter were too busy talking amongst themselves to take notice. I had recently arrived in Muzzaffarnagar to visit my mother, and our conversations seemed to be never ending, so much so, that we just went about our daily routines while continuing the conversation.

Suddenly, the car behind our rickshaw honked impatiently, and I turned around to identify the perpetrator. As I continued to speak, while my gaze went inside the car, I saw her and I stopped mid-sentence. As I tried to trace the faint features on that familiar face that had stunned me, the traffic decided to move and the car easily overtook our malnourished rickshaw driver. I know for a fact that our eyes had met, but I couldn't react in time, and she didn't appear to bother.

Mother asked me, "What happened?" All that I could manage to say was, "I think it was Reema in that car."

Mother spoke with a certainty that I couldn't muster, "It couldn't have been. I'd heard that she had gotten married to an NRI and settled in America."

"I know, I had heard the same thing, but it's possible that she might have come to India for some work, maybe a funeral. She was wearing a white saree, there was a large tilak on her forehead as well. I'm sure she saw me as I saw her, but I don't think she recognized me." It had been hours since we came back home, but I just couldn't stop thinking about her.

Reema Gupta and I were classmates in school, as well as in College. She had always been a pretty picture, with milk and honey complexion, soft and gentle features, and an inimitable innocence in her eyes. I have personally never met any other with such innocence as she. We both graduated from the same class and had gotten admission in the same College. It was during college that I'd heard a strange rumor making rounds that Reema was having an affair with a boy called Suresh. A friend Neeti had told me that the boy Suresh lived near her house and she'd seen Reema come and go to his house often. Such a thing was unbelievable for more than one reasons; the most obvious one being that, in a small town like Muzzaffarnagar, it wasn't common for an affair to happen, especially one involving clandestine visits to each other's house. Neeti herself couldn't reconcile the circumstances together, "I don't know how could a girl like Reema, belonging to such an influential family of Muzzaffarnagar, fall into that boy's trap."

I couldn't say anything but agree with Neeti, since not only did Reema's family have a huge presence in the small town, but also because Reema was an only child and deprived of nothing in her life. That, what had drawn Reema to allow herself to be involved in this affair, I do not know, and could not say. However, as far as I could've known back then, and as I know now, such an alliance was impossible. Regardless, I did not question Reema or raise the subject with her, but sure enough I noticed a boy, not from our college, speaking intently to Reema.

One day, when Reema and I were sitting in the common room at College, she asked me if I knew a good and trustworthy lawyer. I was surprised to hear the question, "Why do you want one? Also, your father must know much better lawyers than I would. Why don't you ask him?"

"N-No reason. It's just that a friend needs some help, and I thought you might be able to help."

She was nervous and quickly changed the topic, and we never spoke of it again. However, only a few days later, suddenly, she stopped coming to college. I was told by Neeti that, "She has eloped with that boy, Suresh. I've even heard that Reema's already gotten married to him in Court. A lot of people have been coming to Suresh's house, his mother is crying almost all the time nowadays."

Like wildfire, the rumor spread throughout Muzzaffarnagar, and within a couple of days, it was hard to tell whether it was a rumor or the truth. The news of Gupta Ji's daughter eloping with a no-background boy of no noticeable education or status was known to everyone in the town. In classes, when Reema's roll number would get called out, people would whisper as it was their duty to do so, and gossip about her was ongoing. However, in time, the rumors settled down, the townspeople, except the families, moved on and Reema's elopement was no longer discussed. I was happy when things quieted down because despite everything that could be heard, I had refused to believe that there was any ring of truth to it.

One day Neeti came rushing to where I was, and told me, "She is back! You know?!" Reema's family - uncles, brothers, cousins, nephews - was desperately searching for her, and they finally managed to track her down in the town of Rishikesh. Suresh and Reema were found living together in a dingy hotel under a common surname. Suresh had married Reema, but that hadn't stopped Reema's family from taking her away. Reema was brought back to Muzzaffarnagar, and Suresh was left back in the room of the dingy hotel beaten half to death. Everyone had their own guesses of what was going on inside the Gupta Household on that day, but no one could be sure. However, since it was a joint family, it was impossible to keep things quite for long.

Neeti came to know, as was relayed to me, that both husband and wife were back at their own respective houses and none spoke anything about the entire incident. After some time, the fact that Suresh and Reema had gotten divorced made rounds, but no one could verify if it was true, and no one bothered to. It was extensively rumored that Reema and Suresh had been divorced, but neither had appeared in public since their return. I also became busy with College and studies, whereas Reema never appeared in the College campus again, and her name also struck off from the roll. However, having become notorious in the small town, her name often cropped up here and there. Then one day, I had seen her going in a car, like today, dressed in the attire of a newlywed woman, and the latest news was that Reema had married an NRI and left for America.

After that, neither had I ever seen her again, until today, nor had I come across any news about her. So many years have passed since then, and now I see her again dressed, in complete contrast, as a Sadhvi. I tried to make sense of it all, but my mind was bewildered by what I had seen. Why did she look like that? If she had gone to America, then what was she doing here? Before my confusion and suspicions grew, I heard the phone ring, "Hello Sarika, how are you?"

I could not recognize the person on the other end but the female voice spoke again, "You don't recognise me, do you, and how would you? It has been such a long time since we last spoke. This is Reema speaking; I saw you in the market that day with your mother, but it was so crowded that I couldn't come to you," it was as if I had lost my voice and she was the only one having a conversation, "It wasn't difficult to get your number and address in Delhi, after all, our families have known each other for a long time. I wanted to meet you. Will you come to see me? I will send the car tomorrow evening."

Somehow, I managed to find my voice back and said, "Tomorrow is 'Karva Chauth'. Sorry, but I won't be able to come tomorrow."

It's possible that despite it being a festival the next day, I could have squeezed in time to go meet her, but I refused nonetheless. However, she was persistent, "No, no, you have to come. I promise not to take too much of your time, but it has to be tomorrow, as I'm going back to America after that and won't be coming back for a long time again." Without keeping the stage open for protest or discussion, she put down the phone with finality.

Next evening, I was dressed up in the typical attire of the festival and performed the Puja. I had been fasting for the whole day. After having completed the Puja, I was drinking tea, when the door bell rang. I expected one of the other married women from the neighborhood at the door, but as I opened it, I found a man looking as secretaries in movies do. Even before I could say anything, he politely spoke, "I've been sent by Reema Ma'am to fetch you. Are you ready, madam?" I went inside to speak to Karan, my husband, who was of the opinion that I should go and meet my old classmate. Thus, I got into the car and on my way to meeting an old friend.

As the car approached its destination, I was surprised to find myself in what seemed more like an ashram than anything else. I had expected to be taken to a fancy hotel, but this was unexpected. Inside the premises, I was brought to a large room, where a lot of people were sitting and waiting for something. The secretary like man had left along with the car, and I found myself sitting in a heavy sari, alongside strangers, waiting for I knew not what. I could hear people talking, "Have you attended her sermons before? Do you know how miraculous she is? She knows everything about everyone. We are fortunate that we'll be able to see her, because she only comes to India once or twice in a year as her permanent ashram is in America."

An older lady, who seemed like the stand-in-provost of the ashram came to me and said, "Relax. Sadhvi Ji is busy, but soon you'll be able to see her." I still couldn't comprehend what she meant by that. Who was Sadhvi and where was Reema? Why was I brought there? Had Reema joined a religious cult, of which Sadhvi Ji was the leader? Questions ran through my mind faster than I could even guess the answers to.

I was trying to find the answers when Reema entered the room. I was completely and utterly shocked to see her. Clad in pristine white clothes from head to toe, with a big tilak on forehead, and a genteel warm smile on her face, Reema entered the room. Reema looked very pretty in the way she held herself and looked at others. There was no makeup on her, but her complexion seemed rich and energetic; age had deepened her milk and honey complexion, and her features had become sharper, almost chiseled in stone. She wasn't thin by any definition, but the weight was becoming on her. For all reasons and purposes, she was still the Reema that I had grown up with, but one thing was missing from her personality and that was her innocence. She looked like a queen and was being treated like one. Everybody present in the room bowed down before her.

Before I could compose myself, I was asked to follow suit by her apparent second-in-charge, "Bow down. You mustn't look into Sadhvi Ji's eyes," but I was stunned with shock because I never expected to meet Reema like this. Reema was Sadhvi Kalyankarni. In an authoritative tone, that came easily to her, she commanded the room, but I was unable to find the sweet, innocent and well-behaved Reema that I had once known. After her sermon was over, she invited people to come to her with their problems so that she may guide them onto the right path. I was becoming increasingly patient as I had no intentions of becoming part of this circus; if I must meet her like this, I'd rather not meet her at all.

However, as if she could read my impatience, Reema waved over to me, whispered something in her aide's ear, and disappeared from sight. Soon thereafter, I was summoned, through her aide, and after crossing several chambers, I was brought to her room. It was a fully furnished room, with all the modern facilities available to man, or woman, like TV, AC etc.

"This is my private chamber, where I meet only special people."

I felt like a fish trapped in a fisherman's net by mistake, not fidgeting or even trying to break free, just waiting for discovery of the mistake and to be back on my way.

For some strange reason, I got this feeling of being trapped, as if I'd never be able to go back home again, never see my husband and child, never be the same again. Perhaps my anxiety was evident on my face, because Reema said, in a softer voice, "Do not be alarmed. Please sit. Haven't you recognized me?" After I had a sip of water, and some time to process, I calmed down and asked her, "I don't believe in miracles or agents of God. How do you know about everything and everyone? There must be some secret behind this." She started laughing, "You are amazing. How do you know that this is not a miracle?

I have got some tricks which enable me to perform such miracles and more," but then a minute later she smilingly said, "You are right. I have a close group of network and staff which brings me all the information about my disciples and then I treat them accordingly, which is to say, give them what they want. Oops. Why am I telling you all this? This is a trade secret. Now, am I to understand you don't like me, and my Queendom?"

"No, it's not that. I just didn't expect to see you like that. Tell me, why have you adopted this attire, this cult, this façade?"

I didn't mince my words and asked her about it blatantly. She roared with laughter and answered like a lioness, "There! That's it! Just like the old Sarika. You haven't changed much; same direct approach, straightforwardness, and lack of diplomacy. You are lucky that life didn't treat you as cruelly as it treated me."

Although her smile never left the face, there was unmistakable pain in her voice. "What are you talking about? You were living in America, with your husband. That was the last information that I had about you. You always occupied an important space in my life. There were so many nights where only you were in my dreams. I could never bring myself to terms with what happened to you. You, who were so innocent and pure. Why did you do that; and that too for a person who was not worth you. Why!?"

Without me realizing, my words had become agitated and my voice had become loud. Unlike me, she replied with calm, "Relax! Chill. I wanted to meet you because I have so much to tell, and so much to hear from you. I'll answer all your questions, but first, let's eat something. I'm starving, aren't you?" She summoned her aide to bring refreshments and resumed speaking, "I had come to Muzzaffarnagar because when my father had passed away, I didn't have the courage to come back home, but now mother was desperate to meet me, she practically begged me."

Not once did Reema's face wince while talking, and it was as if she was talking about someone else. She was in complete control of her emotions, but I couldn't replicate that behavior, "It has been nine months since your father's death and this is when you decide to come back?" I spoke critically.

"How? I killed him the day I ran away with Suresh. Before you ask again, I'll tell you why I did what I did. To be honest, I think even I'm not sure what it was that drove me towards Suresh. He was not the kind of boy I would be interested in, but he had a way about him. He was a charmer, and could easily impress anybody who came across him. He was, as they say, the wrong guy who knew all the right things to say to anyone and everyone. I couldn't say for certain whether he ever really cared for me or not, but I think I was no more than a target for him. I must've caught his eye because everyone in Muzzaffarnagar knew that I was the apple of the eye to my family and they'd do anything for me. It is right when said that love is blind. I admit that people behave strangely in the name of love, and commit actions they normally wouldn't have, but how could I have possibly abandoned my parents in the name of love? I am their only child, and they always thought of me as a blessing because I came in later stage of their life when they were getting old..."

It seemed that there was a lot of past that weighed on her mind as she continued to speak endlessly, so I tried to change the subject, "You were married and lived in the USA. What happened that you ended up taking this path?"

"Do you really think it mattered if it was India or USA at that point? I was shattered when my repeated phone calls went unanswered by Suresh. I knew my parents were against my marriage with Suresh but I had full confidence that no one could separate us. After all, we had gotten married, but little I knew, that I had trusted a wrong guy who was after my money. He didn't even hesitate to take money from my parents and sign the divorce papers. He skipped town and almost instantly I was married off to a stranger who lived in USA; obviously alongwith a hefty dowry. Otherwise, nobody would've married my parents' tainted daughter. As you know, ours is a joint family where decisions are taken collectively. My mother was against my marriage in a foreign land but nobody listened to her."

The anguish was clear on Reema's face and I couldn't help but think why she was opening up to me now about all this. Actually, we were never really close but then surely something had always clicked between us. That must've been why we always felt close to each other and the reason I could never forget her. She continued, "So many things happened in such a short period that I was not able to cope up and went into depression, when I came to know about my husband Nishit's other wife who was in fact his first wife. My husband told me all sorts of things, "Look, you will have no problem. She will live in another flat but please don't cause trouble for us. I know everything about your past but I promise that I will never ask you anything about it, but just live your life and don't interfere in mine." To this day, I feel surprised at how calmly he broke everything down for me. I'd asked him why had he then married me at all.

"All for my family's sake. They wanted to get me married someplace else, and your family was offering a lot of money." That encounter left no doubt in my mind as to what my fate and future held in store for me. Loneliness and depression got hold of me and I started to roam around the city blankly and aimlessly. Then one day I entered this ashram where I was brought before Swami Kalyan Karta, whose effect on me was so soothing that I forgot all my miseries. Slowly, I regularly started coming to the ashram which became my home away from home. I, who had been banished by all, got shelter in that ashram. I became a very trusted disciple of Swami Ji, but I didn't know that he would eventually make me his successor. Ever since his death few years ago, I have been running the ashram, which is a huge empire in itself wherein there are several smaller institutions running all the time. I know you don't have faith in this sort of thing but, not having faced what I have, you can't judge me." Perhaps, it was the unintended expression of my face which warranted the self-defence by Reema. However, I kept quiet and didn't say anything. Although I hadn't retorted, Reema Sadhvi was very disturbed. In truth, it is very difficult and painful to talk about one's bitter past.

She called for a sevika and said something in her ear to which she said shockingly, "Here? Are you sure? And before her?"

"Yes. She is my trust worthy."

I couldn't understand the purpose of said conversation, but I began to think. Why was she trusting me with so much? Just then, the sevika entered into the room with a joint (churut) and handed it over to her. Sadhvi took two, three, puffs from that joint and immediately her nerves were calmed. I said agitatedly, "What is this? What are you doing with your life? You are so young and you need not destroy your life like this!" But by then, her eyes had turned hazy and dense, and she was out of my reach. I could not find that innocent Reema, the one that I had known, in the Sadhvi before me. My heart was pained to see her like that. Her innocence had become her enemy. She was behaving like an addict. She murmured in a faint voice, to maybe no one in particular, "... my life is finished now. Outside this ashram, there is no one who cares for me. First Suresh exploited me in the name of marriage, then there was Nishit who never touched me. Then I accidentally came to this ashram where again I was exploited ..." She had more to say, but just then the sevika came into the room and rudely spoke, "Sadhvi Ji, it's time for your Puja," but Reema paid her no need and continued with her blabbering, "... there is nothing left for me. You think I am happy this way, no, I am not. I came home to seek love but there is no one who wants me here ..."

Having possibly had enough, the sevika forcefully took Reema away to another chamber. I was scared to death and remained sitting there as if my body was frozen. Sevika came back and, without her initial politeness, said, "You may go. Sadhvi Ji is going back to America tomorrow morning and it will be in your best interests that you forget all the things here only. Our driver will leave you at your home." I nodded speechlessly and came back to my home and my family. I had understood how the Swami had gotten hold of Reema, a helpless girl, who became an easy prey for him to satisfy his lust.

I could do nothing for Reema. I telephoned my brother, from whom I wanted to enquire about the stand of her family on her return. But Reema was right. There was no longer anyone left in her family who wanted her there. For her mother, Reema was no longer her daughter but a Sadhvi whom you could only respect but not love. Other family members didn't want their wealth to be divided with her. No one wanted her back.

Now, that was the end of the road for Sadhvi. She was left with that empire and the joint, and in order to run the empire, Sadhvi would make compromises and meet all kinds of people. It was hardly a path she'd chosen for herself but it was one that she could no longer abandon. This is the story of Sadhvi.