35 Chapter 35

It scares me how calm Alex is. Watching my father, I think he's scared too.

"So, uh, do you want something to eat? My treat, whatever you want!" My dad tries to give a reassuring smile but he mostly looks at the table to avoid Alex's stare.

"Sure, thanks Mr. ummmm..." Alex pauses a moment, "You know, I didn't catch your name. Did you Jules? I feel like you should at least know your father's name, right?"

He's trying to make my dad uncomfortable, and it's working. I just wish I knew for sure why he was doing it. To get under his skin? To make him feel bad for abandoning me and mom? To make him feel out of place?

"You can call me Terry, I suppose in the shock and confusion last night I never did really introduce myself." He tries to laugh it off. I watch his eyes travel between Alex and me. "Are you two umm.... You know?"

"No!" I snap, "No, no me and Alex are not dating if that's what you're trying to ask."

"Yeah, Jules doesn't really date, even though she could probably get any guy she wanted."

I lower my head to hide the blushing. My father lets out a deep chuckle.

"I can believe that, her mother was quite a looker too at that age. I'm glad to see it was passed down. How... How is school and such? Shouldn't you be in school?"

"Some stuff came up, gave us a chance to take a little road trip." Alex is so smooth, acting like it's no big deal. "Jules has definitely made the trip interesting."

My father looks at me, glancing at him I see uncertainty. "So, what are you thinking over there?"

"I don't... I don't really know, like, I had so many questions last night but... Its like I can't find them now."

"Well, I mean, I'll answer any question to the best of my ability," He shrugs his shoulders, "Maybe you can answer some for me."

"Like what?" I stare at him in shock. Does he have the right to ask any questions? I really don't know.

"Well, how is your mom?"

"Buried in debt and struggling to make ends meet and still go to school." I hate how angry it makes me that he even asked that.

"Anyone new in her life? Does she ever talk about me?"

Now I'm mad. Is he jealous? He's the one who left, he has zero right to be jealous. "No, she hasn't seen anyone since I was maybe six. She's too busy trying to keep us fed. And no she doesn't talk about you, because every time she does, she cries herself to sleep for the next week. You left her with nothing! Less than nothing! She loved you and you just ran away!" My words clearly hurt, I watch his head droop and Alex's face pale. "Why did you leave? Why did you leave us? Mom tried so hard to help you pay your debts and get clean, she loved you, she wanted us to be a family. So, why?"

He doesn't say anything. He watches me carefully, no doubt contemplating what will happen if I don't like his answer. With a deep sigh, he runs his hand over his messy, greying hair and says, "I was young and stupid, and I knew I'd only ever let her down because I don't think I'll ever stop gambling. Don't get me wrong, there are days I wish I could quit, even now that I rarely lose I'd like to quit. Why tempt fate, you know? But I don't think I'll ever stop, and when you're young you think you can do whatever you want without consequence, so I left. I was dumb and greedy and I didn't appreciate the good thing I had."

I'm stunned, I wasn't expecting a real answer. I was expecting some garbage if not wanting to be burdened with a family or not wanting to be tied down. "If you could, would you go back and change things? Would you choose to stay with us?"

"I don't really know... I don't know if things would be much different. I don't know what my staying would or wouldn't change kiddo."

"Maybe mom wouldn't be killing herself to try and make a decent life for us, maybe I would be able to have a social life and not work my butt off! Maybe I could have a chance with a guy like Alex..." I stop myself, feeling my cheeks get hot and my hands start shaking. God I've got to stop letting my anger decide what feelings I air to the world.

I stare at the table, not wanting to see any awkward looks from Alex or my father. I feel Alex's arm drape over my shoulders in the booth, giving a gentle squeeze. Oddly, that makes me feel worse, it's probably just an uncomfortable attempt at being sympathetic. God I hate my big mouth.

"Would you ever come back?" I barely hear myself, I doubt my father did.

Letting my eyes detach from their gaze at the table, I see my father staring out the window.

"Dad," The word is alien on my tongue but I repeat it until he looks at me, "Would you ever come back?"

"Would your mother ever let me back? Do you think we could ever move past all of this?" He shrugs his shoulders as he talks.

"That doesn't answer the question," Alex points out.

My father gives him a sideways glare before turning back to me with an empty smile. "I don't... I don't think so kiddo."

I clench my jaw and try not to show I'm disappointed. I can feel Alex shifting next to me. I nod as the anger twists my stomach in knots, sliding to get out of the booth. Alex follows closely behind me.

"Wait, Julianna, don't- don't go yet," My father reaches out to take my hand.

I yank my hand as quick as I can as I take a few steps back, "No. I don't know what you expect here, but no. You don't get to play victim and give me whatever answers you think I want and then say you're basically abandoning me again!"

"I'm not-"

"So what? You're going to stay in touch? Come home and apologize to mom? Pay back all that money you left us to pay off for you? You're going to try and help us rebuild?"

His face sinks and he stares at the table. I shake my head and feel tears run down my cheek.

"Yeah, that's what I thought..."

"Wait, please, I- At least let me buy you lunch, give you some money to take home to your mom."

"Unless you plan on handing over hundreds of thousands of dollars that mom gave to your bookie out of her college fund, I don't want it! You can't buy your way out of this! You broke mom's heart, you left us in the gutter, you're lucky I don't tell mom where she can find you so she can sue you for child support!"

I don't wait for Alex as I march out of the diner. I hate Las Vegas. Pushing through the crowded street, I hear Alex yelling my name behind me.

"Wait up, hang on," He puts his hand on my shoulder, pulling me to a stop, "God you're fast when you're pissed. You can't get in the room without the key, which I have so..." Giving him a side glare as I hide my tears his amused tone is gone. "Alright, come on."

"Julianna!" I jump at the sound of my name, I see my father trying to follow us.

"If he follows us to the motel we can't get away," I mumble to Alex, who nods in agreement. "I can't deal with him, I just... I can't."

Alex steps away and blocks my father. "Leave her alone. She doesn't want to talk anymore. You're making this harder than it needs to be."

"Please she's my daughter. I love her," He tries to push past Alex and hand me something, I look and see a handful of money, "Please, just so you have something. I don't want you going off somewhere without knowing you can get by."

Alex shoves him back, "She said she doesn't want your money. And if you loved her you wouldn't have abandoned her!"

"Listen you little punk," My father's face gets red as he gets in Alex's face, "This is none of your damn business. I don't know who you think you are but you don't get to speak for her or tell me I fucked up!"

I see a switch flip in Alex. A second passes and I scream as Alex lifts my father by his shirt collar and slams him into the wall.

"You think you know her? You killed her inside! You don't get to hurt her anymore! You've broken her heart one too many times and it's done! And I swear to god if you open your mouth one more time I'll-"

"Alex!"

He glances over at me. His lips are in a tight line, eyebrows raised and eyes full of angry fire. He takes a deep breath before nodding and dropping my father. I think he's about to walk away when he quickly turns back and decks my father across the face, causing him to drop to the ground.

I jump and start to cry some more. People are starting to stare and point. Alex is quick to come take my hand and pull me back down the street. I glance back to see my father wiping blood off his face as Alex keeps pulling me.

It's painfully quiet as we walk. I'm scared and a little freaked out. Alex keeps a tight hold on my hand as we press on through the crowd. Looking down at his hand I see the skin on his knuckles is split, and bleeding a little. No one was controlling him, that anger and violence... That was all him.

Arriving at the motel I can see how tired Alex looks, and I can feel tears threatening to break out as we get into our room and block the outside world.

"I think we should leave tonight," Alex starts saying as he grabs his bag. "I don't think-"

"What the hell were you thinking? Why did you do that, my god!" I let myself collapse onto the bed and shake.

Alex just stares at me. He looks unfazed by my reaction. Anger still etched into his face.

"Why would you punch him? Why did you start a fight? You scared me! I-"

"I scared you? You know I can be that way! You've seen it first hand Jules! You shouldn't be surprised!"

I jump as his voice vibrates through me. He takes a step back and I can see his breathing get heavy and heated.

"No one was controlling you! You didn't black out before it, you did that by yourself! It'll always be scary especially when you do it by choice!" I scoot back and feel my stomachs clench.

"You think I only get like that because of the devil? Are you fucking kidding me? Are you that stupid? He uses that against me because he knows I have that problem! This is me! This is all me! And I kill myself trying to hide it!"

"Why..."

"Jules if I could tell you the answer to that I would! This is how I am! I get angry and I turn into a ball of rage! I can't help it, I just bury it!"

"I don't believe that," I whine.

"No?" He marches up to me. "If you hadn't stopped me, I would have beaten your father to a pulp! I wanted to from the moment I saw how he let you down again! Every argument we have I have to fight with every fiber of my being to not put my fist in a wall! I could hurt you! I could break your nose, I could make you bleed! And until that anger fades I won't feel a damn thing, and I fucking hate it!"

I can't find any words. I just stare at him in terror and see the anger get worse. He stands still, watching me for a moment before grabbing his bag and chucking it at the wall.

He bangs his fist against the wall, "Say something damnit! Say something! Run! Something! Don't just sit there!"

"I'm scared Alex..." I sob, jumping away from how he yells at me. "Why are you telling me all this? Why are you yelling at me? Why didn't you tell me sooner?"

That last question changes something in him. I watch his shoulders slump and his eyes soften. The anger fades as his mouth falls open ever so slightly.

"I screwed up." He shrugs. "I wanted to be more, be better, but I can't. I was afraid to hurt you. I was afraid to let you down. I was... I was afraid you would see me the way I've always seen myself."