31 Chapter 31

I wake up to someone gently shaking my shoulder. I let my eyes flutter as they adjust to the bright artificial light of the room. Alex sits back next to me and watches me get up.

"Hey, if you want to draw today, you should get up, it's almost seven," he whispers.

"Alright, give me fifteen minutes to wake up and get ready," I push myself up and rub my eyes. He nods and rolls off the bed.

"Did you sleep alright? You were tossing and turning a lot," he asks as he tugs his shirt off, keeping his back to me.

"I guess, I don't remember not sleeping well so..."

I lose my train of thought when I see the muscles in his back. He doesn't seem muscular at first glance but god... When you get close, and he moves or takes off his shirt... You can see every strong, swoon-worthy muscle at work.

I release a shuttering breath and turn around quickly.

"I think... Umm... I'm just going to shower," I trip over the bed on my way.

"Jules!" He calls out, "Don't you need clothes for that?"

I'm an idiot. I fake a smile as I walk back over to him and dig in my bag. He stands over me, I can feel the heat radiating off him.

I stand up and turn too quickly, running into him, my face comes with an inch of his chest. We both freeze. My throat gets dry as I search for something to say.

He forces a chuckle, stiff and awkward, "Sorry... I'll just, you know, get out of your way," He steps to the side quickly.

Without a second thought I make my way to the bathroom. I bite my lip and feel my legs turn to jelly. I keep telling myself to get over him, then he goes and does something like that.

My mind goes back to waking up in his arms. I shudder at the thought, I hate admitting I want to be that close again. Cold shower. That will help. I hope.

I shiver in the cold room, carefully removing my clothes, feeling what little heat they provide slip away. I'm already able to tell that this will suck. The water makes me jump, I hate the cold. While it most certainly wakes me up, I'm still thinking about Alex being shirtless out there. I am the epitome of pathetic right now.

Deciding my dumb hormones aren't worth hypothermia, I turn up the heat and quickly get clean. As I shut off the shower and wrap in my towel, I can hear Alex moving around in the next room. Is he still shirtless? Why do I care? I need serious therapy.

He's leaning against the door as I walk out, my clothes clinging to my wet skin. He's staring at the floor until he hears my footsteps, a weary smile forms on his face.

"How are you doing?" His voice is barely above a whisper.

I shrug, "I'm fine, I guess. Maybe try asking again after breakfast."

His smile grows, I can see his canines. He nods slowly before picking up my bag.

"This all set?" I nod as he throws it over his shoulder, "I'm thinking we either leave tonight or first thing in the morning, any thoughts?"

"I don't really care, as long as I'm fed before getting stuck on a bus all day. Where are we going this time?"

He looks like something is on his mind, "I'm not really sure, there's a couple places I was thinking. I was going to spend most of today weighing options, probably have us leave in the morning."

I nod, not yet looking away from him, "Alex, is- is there something wrong?"

He just stands there, I can see him lightly nodding . He bites his lip as I watch him clench his fist to stop it's shaking.

"Alex?"

His eyes shift to meet mine, "Are you ok?"

"What?" I chuckle.

"Are you ok?" There's no humor in his voice.

"Yeah, yeah I'm ok," I sit on the bed and stare at him, "What's going on?"

He chuckles, not with any humor, more like frustration, I watch him toss my bag onto the bed as he runs his hands through his hair, "I couldn't sleep at all last night. That's how I knew you were tossing and turning, I couldn't close my eyes I was too worried. I couldn't get the image of you collapsing out of my head. I couldn't sleep knowing it had been my fault."

"Alex..." I feel my shoulders slump. I stand up with my hand stretched out for him.

"No!" He calms down when he sees me jump, "No, don't try to make me feel better, don't try and tell me it isn't my fault because it is. I scared you, I scared you to the point of panic and fainting. I did that. I know it's no secret that I can be aggressive, that I have a short fuss, but I never ever wanted you to have to see that side of me. It's bad enough that you've been hurt by me, and attacked while with me, I never wanted to let you see that side of me."

I don't really know what to say to that. All of this and none of this is his fault. He shouldn't have ever made a deal but he couldn't have known that I would be there that night, or that the devil would double cross him. He couldn't know that Robert would be working for the devil, he couldn't know that the devil would and could take advantage of his exhaustion. I should have told him about the phone sooner.

"Alex, I'm ok, I promise. We're both at fault here and I understand why you were so angry. It's alright, I promise, it's ok."

His eyes bore into me, I can see the guilt he's trying to hide. I stop caring about how he'll react and march up him, wrapping my arms around his stomach and burying my head in his chest. My mom used to tell that sometimes the best way to help someone is to give them a hug, and I'm really hoping she's right.

Alex doesn't react, he keeps his arms up and I can tell he's holding his breath. I'm worried he's going hold his breath to long and pass out, but before I can let go his arms drop, wrapping tightly around me. He starts shaking and holding me tighter.

"Alex, running out of air," I choke out before he lets go of me.

"Sorry," He stars intently, "I'm sorry. I don't know when to stop, I feel awful for dragging you down into my crap and I so badly want to keep you safe, and I just... Keep screwing up."

"Alex, it's ok. A lot has happened and like I said, some of it we're both to blame for. Let's just try to get out of this in one piece, ok?"

I walk away before he says anything, grabbing my bag and finding my boots. I turn to face him again, hoping the smile I've made is reassuring, I'm surprised to find him completely calm, staring at me with a faint signature crooked grin of his own.

"What? What's up now? Are you ok?" I feel my palms start sweating.

"You're just... You're incredible. That's all."

What am I supposed to say to that? How does someone respond to something like that, "Thank you?" I start chuckling awkwardly as I pull on my shoes.

"Hey, Jules?"

"Yeah?" I go stand next to him at the door.

"You- I mean, umm, I don't suppose..."

"Yeah?" I'm starting to get nervous, Alex doesn't get flustered like this, god only knows what it is he's going to ask.

He stares at me a moment, a look of almost pain on his face, he lets out a defeated sigh, "Never mind. Forget I said anything."

He brushes past me and out the door. It takes me a moment to follow him, I shake myself out of my confusion and hurry to meet him.

It's nice out today, already warming up even in the early morning. Hopefully I can make some decent cash to send home. I glance at the date on my phone, Christmas Eve is in four days.

"Do you think the package for my mom will get there before Christmas?"

Alex is caught off guard by my question, it takes him a moment to form any response, "Well you sprung for quick shipping, what was it like three business days? It should probably get there in the next couple days."

I want to call her and ask if she's gotten it but I know that's just me being paranoid. I try not to think about mom being alone at Christmas, I try not to think about her gift, or how Alex was acting in the room. What can I think about?

"Are you hungry? I can get you some food while you set up?" Alex kicks rocks as we walk, throwing a small, shy smile in my direction.

"Maybe, if you want. I don't want to put you out of your way," The more words we exchange, the slower we seem to be walking.

"I'm not really hungry but I don't mind getting you something," He's trying to sound like normal Alex, the Alex that could charm any girl. He's trying to sound laid back. Trying being the key word.

I feel my legs start to ache, with all the walking and standing lately, my legs better be toned when I get home. Maybe I'll start wearing dresses and skirts more.

Ok even I know that's bullshit, jeans are my everything. My mind wanders to when I wore my black dress, right after leaving Chicago, the way Alex looked at me. I remember how he watched me when I wore my tiny shorts, I can feel my heartbeat get faster. Maybe I should wear those again. God, no matter how much I want to get over him, I want him to like me, I want him to notice, if for no other reason than to prove what he said those few weeks ago true. If guys really are interested in me, why isn't he? Now I just feel shallow and pathetic. It's probably why he isn't saying much to me, I'm probably being weird and making him uncomfortable.

I kick a rock at my feet, hard. It's not a big rock, but big enough that I felt it against my flimsy boots. Alex glances over at me, a concerned look on his face.

"Everything alright?"

I shrug my shoulders, "Yep, I guess."

"Jules," His voice is slow, "What's going on?"

He stops walking, internally I groan because I don't want to stand any longer than I have to.

"Just me being tired and dumb and caring about dumb things that shouldn't be a priority. I don't know. I'm just, worn down. I can't focus on anything but the stuff that is pointless and irrelevant."

"Well it's relevant to you, isn't it? I think that warrants it being a priority. And you're not dumb, stop saying that stupid shit."

I elect not to mention how his statement contradicts itself, if what I said was stupid then that made me dumb for saying it. I'm sure he'd disagree with me if I said anything, so I go back to rock kicking as we wait to cross the street.

"So what were you thinking about?"

"Really, it doesn't matter. Just girl stuff, you know?" In my mind I'm begging him to let it go.

"Ok, well if you need anything just ask."

He sounds sincere, I want his offer to be sincere but part of me hopes he doesn't mean it so I can paint a picture of him as a liar and get over him. Who am I kidding, he's been as honest as he can be and has been so generous... I am so screwed.

"Where are you thinking we go next?" I'm desperate for a subject change.

"I'm kind of not sure, I was thinking Utah but I'm not sure. I think I was there once but I don't remember what city, so I don't know if we should risk it. I'll think of something."

We spend our day in silence. I draw, he gets food and charms my customers. He can barely look me in the eye and I can't look at him without blushing.

The motel room feels cold when we finally get back, later than usual since my legs were killing me. I don't change or shower, I'm too tired from emotionally strangling myself.

Alex is quiet as he gathers some clothes to go shower. I close my eyes and hear the bathroom door open. Alex says something, though I'm not quite sure what, I know I hear my name. He's probably just saying goodnight.

"Mmm," is the only response I give before falling asleep.