19 Chapter 19

"What the hell are you doing out here?" Alex's voice rings out in a harsh whisper but my vision is still fuzzy and I can't really see him.

I hold my breath in an attempt to block out the pain. He tightens his grip.

"Jules! What are you doing out here?" His voice gets heavier.

"Ow, Alex you're hurting me. Please let go," he drops his hands and I grip the back of my head.

I close my eyes and try to fight the lightheaded feeling I'm getting. My vision stays fuzzy for a couple minutes before I manage to see Alex and pull my hand off my head to make sure I'm not bleeding.

Alex stands there, his hands buried in his pockets, he fidgets anxiously.

I step away from the wall, causing him to jump to attention, "Jules are you alright? I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hurt you. What are you doing out here?"

"I got freaked out and couldn't sleep, I just wanted to walk around the block. God, my head!"

He puts his arm across my shoulder and moves me back towards the room, "I'm sorry I didn't mean to do that. I panicked, I thought something was wrong and you were trying to hide, I'm sorry."

He carefully leads me into the room and sits me down on the bed, "Alex, I swear to god I will punch you one of these days!" He looks stunned at my sharpness.

"I really am sorry, with the almost black out, I'm paranoid and I panicked. Is there something I can do? Why don't I find a movie on TV, help get you settled, and maybe go get you some ice cream?"

"Seriously?" I stare at him, holding my head again.

"I just want to be able to do something, something to help make you feel better. So, would you like some ice cream?"

"I've never had ice cream," I don't know why I told him that, I could have just said no to ice cream, but I had to tell him I've never had it.

"You've never had... Really?" His concern doesn't disappear but visible shock overpowers it.

I shrug, his eyes burn into me, his mouth hangs open in disbelief. He looks around the room for a few minutes before he gets up and heads for the door again.

"Where are you going?" I sit up and get ready to follow him.

"Do you like cookies? Or cherries?" He shakes his head and turns on the TV quickly and adjusts his jacket, "I know there's a few good movie channels. I'll be back soon, please don't leave again."

I watch in awe as he leaves, I have no words for all this.

I sit and flip through the channels, none of the movies seem interesting. My book isn't interesting.

An hour goes by, I've given up and just flipped on a random movie. Watching numbly I wait for the door to open again. I start dozing off when I hear the door finally unlock.

"Hey, are you awake?" Alex's breath brushes over my cheek as he whispers in my ear.

"Barely but yes."

I hear the crinkling of plastic and feel something small press against me through the blanket. It takes a second but it starts to feel cold. Opening my eyes I see a little pint sized cup.

"What's this?" I pick it up and look at him.

"Ice cream," he pulls out a similar cup, "You said you hadn't ever tried ice cream so..."

I look at the colorful cup and read the label: Vermont's Finest Ben & Jerry's Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough.

"Can't you get salmonella from cookie dough?" I put the cup down while he pulls out two plastic spoons.

"I think it's a load of bull crap. I've never gotten sick from eating cookie dough and I've never known anyone who has plus I think they prepare it special for ice cream to avoid the risk. I don't know, I got chocolate fudge brownie if you want to try mine."

I pull off the plastic seal and the lid, looking down at the frozen treat I'm cautious. What if I don't like it? This seems like a lot in one sitting.

He anxiously hands me a spoon, "I took my time walking back hoping it would thaw out a little. I think you'll like it."

I take the spoon and push it into the thick ice cream. I can't pull it out though because it's stuck in something.

"Do you need help?" He asks with his mouth full.

"No!" I snap quickly, "It's just stuck is all."

He chuckles at me as I try to pull the spoon out. The flimsy plastic fights me but eventually I manage to get it out. Scooping around the stuck spot I find a huge clump of cookie dough in the middle of the pint. I spend five minutes poking the dough until it's broken enough to eat with the ice cream.

"Are you going to eat it or play with it?" I glare at Alex and see he's already eaten a quarter of his pint.

"I'm new to this, and even if I wasn't I think I would want to eat it slow enough to taste it."

"Come on, you'll like it... Sorry I didn't warn you how hard it can be to eat sometimes."

The cold is comforting, soothing in a way. I'm surprised that I find comfort in the cold when most people are comforted by the warmth of cookies. It's sweeter than I'm used to, I feel like I can only take so much of it but I don't want to stop. The chew of the dough, the crunch of the chocolate, and the melt of the ice cream all come together and overall relax me.

I look up to see Alex smiling at me, "Don't look so pleased with yourself. It's sugar, who doesn't like sugar?"

"Admit it," he gives me with charming smile, "I did good, come on just say it."

"Fine," I fight against the smile I want to return, "You did good, thank you Alex."

He comes and sits next to me on the bed, "See, it's not so bad to be nice to each other. I think we should do it more."

My mood drops ten stories, "Alex, I say this with all the kindness I can muster. I don't hate you and I don't want to like you, I want to get out of this, go home and pretend you and I are back in the universe where we never have and never will speak to each other. This has put me and my mom through hell and I would like nothing more than to forget it, ok?"

His sweet grin is gone, "You don't mean that and you know it. Come on, lets get some sleep soon so we can leave in the morning," he gets off the bed and moves back to the couch, "Things will get better, I promise."

We sit in silence, eating. I watch him kill his ice cream while I can barely stomach half the pint. He offers me the bed but doesn't look at me, I try to offer it to him only to get shut down.

"I'm happier over here right now, please take the bed. Get some sleep. I'll see you in the morning."

He rolls over before I can say anything, I surrender and turn out the light. I stare at the dark ceiling and wait for sleep to pull me in. I'm under three blankets and can't get warm, I'm a person who is always alone who is also suddenly lonely, I'm thick skinned but I can't help feeling weak and vulnerable.

"Alex?" I'm stunned by my own voice.

"Yeah?" He sounds just as surprised.

"I'm sorry. I really am."

"You didn't do anything, please just go to sl--"

"I can't sleep Alex," my hands shake on the mattress, "I'm cold and scared. I just... I can't sleep."

I hear his blanket rustle and then nothing but silence.

"Alex? Are you there?"

"What's your favorite color?" His voice is no longer a whisper, he sounds sincere.

"What?" I lie still.

"Just answer the question."

"I like red and purple, lavender and maroon are my two favorites."

"What's your favorite movie?"

"We watched Monsters Inc. in elementary school once, It's one of the few movies I ever wanted bad enough to ask for. I still love it."

I hear him chuckle, his bare feet make light pattering noise on the hardwood floors before he manages to make the mattress creak under him.

"Favorite artist? Musical I mean."

I roll onto my side to face where I assume he sits in the dark, I pick at the blanket, "I don't have one, I love all my music and every artist has a time and place."

"First crush, real crush too, like wanted him to be your first kiss level crush."

I freeze, I don't want to tell him that I wanted him to be my first back in freshman year, "Uhh, I don't really know, I never paid much attention to the guys in our class. Kissing and boys didn't cross my mind much."

"That's bullshit but I'll leave it be this time. Favorite holiday?"

I feel a smile spread from ear to ear on my face, "Christmas, my mom and I save every little penny we can so we can try to have fun. We always try to get those cheap Pillsbury Christmas cookies, you know, the ones with the snowman or tree on them? We bake those together and sit by the tree if we were lucky enough to afford one. After we go to bed, we wait and take turns 'sneaking' a present or two under the tree. It's the one time a year we can really be together."

"I think that's sweet." I feel his hand on my arm.

"Why does any of this matter?"

"Don't you feel a little better, calmer? It helps to just talk sometimes," he squeezes my arm.

He stays on the bed and I can feel him looking at me. I can only see a faint shadow of his figure, "Alex? What are we going to do? We'll eventually run out of places to go, eventually this will have to end or else these blackouts will run your life."

"I'm going to figure out something, I will get you out of this and I will do whatever it takes. Jules, I promise you I will think and exhaust every option to get you home safely. Try to sleep ok? I'll stay here until you tell me to leave."

I place my hand over his carefully, "Thank you Alex. I'm sorry I've been so hard on you, I know you didn't mean for any of this."

He doesn't say anything, instead he pulls his hand away and rustles the blankets to turn away from me.

No more words are exchanged, the only sound I hear is the occasional movement of the blankets and the light traffic outside.

While he hasn't gotten any closer, Alex's warmth has radiated into the blanket and to me, soothing me into a peaceful sleep. Images of colorfully lit up trees and small cookies with snowmen fill my dreams taking away the knowledge that tomorrow I will be in yet another random city. Thinking of mom will help get me by, thinking of Christmas.