18 Chapter 18

We spend four days in Oklahoma City, and all I can think about is school. We left just before school was supposed to resume after Thanksgiving break, we've missed a whole week of school and who knows how much more we'll miss?

I've never missed a day of school, not even when things were so bad I couldn't afford the bus. The school, or at least my teachers, will probably think it strange I'm not there. My only hope is that my mom plays it off as me being sick and I can get home before there's too much make up work.

I still haven't heard from my mom, I've called her two more times since getting here. She's probably swamped trying to get by financially and trying to find time to rest.

Alex has barely spoken since I almost walked out, the silence is both welcome and hated. I've finished two books in these four days trying to fill the silence. He asks me what I want for food or if I want the bed, but other than that we've just been two strangers occupying the same space.

I watch him from my peripheral vision as he sits down at my feet and waits for me finish what I'm reading.

"Can I help you?" I ask, not looking up.

"I want to move onto the next city in the next couple days, we've been here a while and I think it best to move on. Are you ok with that?"

"Why not? A motel room is a motel room, all that will change is the view from the window. Where are we going?"

"I don't know yet, I'm trying to think of somewhere warmer, maybe you won't need both our jackets when you go outside," he tries to chuckle.

I look at him for all of three seconds, and those three seconds hurt.

"Speaking of which, I'm going to finish my chapter, outside," I get up and grab my jacket.

He beats me to the door with his, trying to smile without actually looking up at me.

I take it but don't put it on as I walk out the door. I sit by the door and open my book back up, I've been reading nonstop and it's honestly all I can bear to do. I can't look at him, I can't talk to him, I can't draw, I've tried calling my mom to no avail. All I can do is read, it's the only way I can occupy my mind.

I know Alex is waiting inside by the door, knowing that just makes me want to take even longer. I've slowly increased my time outside every night, and every night Alex is more tense and impatient. At least I know I'm making him as miserable as I am.

I finish four chapters before Alex opens the door nervously, "Ok, come on, it's getting cold and you only put on the one jacket. Come inside?"

I stand up, bumping my shoulder against him on my way into the room.

"Jules..." he closes the door, "Can we just talk? I can get the deck of cards out and we can play Slap Jack again, maybe find a movie on TV? Something?"

"I'm good, I just want to read," I don't look at him but I can tell the look he's giving me.

There's no cocky grin, no confidence, no tempting eyes. Instead, it's a tight frown, with broken and hurt eyes in a desperate plea to get through to me.

I only have a couple more books left with me, maybe if he's lucky I'll finish them and run out of stuff to do.

"Do you want food? I can go get you something, whatever you'd like. I know there's a deli place close by, there's the normal fast food joints, I can order pizza."

I close my book, "Do you remember how I like my sandwich? A sub sounds good right now."

A little gleam of light shows in his eyes, followed by an upturn of the corner of his mouth, "Toasted whole wheat with roast beef, provolone, mustard, and tomato. How could I forget? You have such weird taste in food it's burned into my brain!"

He grabs his jacket and tries not to jump for joy as he leaves to get me food. I can't help crack a smile. He judges me every time we eat because he thinks I have weird food combinations, I think he's just boring.

He closes the door behind him and I'm alone. Truly alone.

I'm not as angry anymore, at this point I just want to distance myself from Alex I'm not terribly mad. I don't want to talk and I don't want to get close just to eventually go our separate ways, and because of that even when he's gone I still feel him hovering and worrying.

I am finally, truly alone.

After reading for a little while I pull out my phone again, I really want to hear my mom's voice. I want to know how she's doing or if anyone's looked for me.

I listen to the line ring, nervousness makes my stomach flip.

"Hello?" her voice is worn and tired, "Jules baby is that you?"

"Hi momma," I can't fight the smile, "I miss you, I've been trying to call you lately."

"I know sweetheart I got your message, I'm just so busy at work. I've had to pick up some extra shifts. How are you doing Jules? Are you ok? Jen came looking for you, I told her that you have bronchitis and can't see anyone. She's going to gather your make up work, offered to even do some for you."

I hear her laugh lightly, it makes me laugh too, "If she comes by again tell her thank you. I'm going to try to be home soon but I can't promise anything, I'm going to try to send some money to help you out mom. If you can, I would appreciate if you could call work and tell them I'm sick, I'm hoping to come back and start work again. I feel awful leaving you with nothing, I feel like dad."

"You listen here," I can see the flames that must be in her eyes, "You are nothing like him! He left us of his own free will, knowing he was going to drown us and he didn't care. You are not your father. You just come home Jules," her voice starts shaking.

I hear the lock click and the doorknob turn.

"I will mom, I promise. As soon as I can. I love you mom, try to get some rest, I'll call you when I can, ok?"

"Ok baby, I love you too!"

I hang up quickly, and as I do Alex steps into the room with food.

He sees the phone and freezes, "Sorry, did I interrupt?"

I shake my head, "Just checking on my mom, wanted to make sure she's getting by."

He puts down the food, "I can give you some money to send her, it's the least I can do after everything I've put you and her through by taking you away."

"No Alex," I grab my sandwich, "I'm not taking any charity. I will figure something out to send her."

"You could always sell your drawings," he smiles, "We could take you somewhere, set you up for a couple hours and you could do portraits. A lot of people do it."

"Would you even let me? You barely let me sit in front of the door, why would you let me draw on a corner?"

"I would be there, close but not close enough to be seen. I would keep an eye on you, let you do your thing."

I look at him like he's nuts, "You do realize how insane you are, right? You basically want to just stand there and watch me, you can understand why that would be stressful and weird right?"

He pulls his lips back into a tight line and nods, "Yeah, I can see that. I'm sorry."

"I would be more than happy to draw people like that but I'm not doing it while you go on and watch me like a freak a few feet away."

He lifts his hands in surrender, "Just a thought, think about it."

I grab my sandwich and unwrap it, taking in the wonderful smell, I relax into the pillows.

He sits at the foot of the bed, not looking at me as we eat. He was very hopeful when he left but I think my shooting him down just disappointed him all over again.

"I think I'm going to go to sleep early," I pull out a tomato and shove it in my mouth, "Do you want the bed tonight?"

He shakes his head, "No you can take it," he smiles shyly.

I force myself to return a smile. Finishing my sandwich as fast as I can, I grab myself fresh clothes and go into the bathroom.

I can hear the crinkling of paper through the walls as he throws out our trash. I tune everything out with the sounds of the water.

The heat from the water turns my skin red, it stings but it's comforting once I adjust to the burn. If I could, I would just stay here.

My scalp hurts as I scrub the shampoo and conditioner in. Letting the soap run out of my hair, I feel the water almost caress me. Sleep is calling me.

Turning off the water I can still hear Alex pacing in the bedroom. I start getting nervous. I pull on my fresh, loose shirt and soft sweat pants before I slowly pull the door open.

Opening the door, I find Alex sitting on the couch, his leg bouncing frantically.

"Alex? Are you ok?" I stay close to the door, unsure where his mind is at.

"I think we should leave, tomorrow or the day after, I'm feeling off. We've been here too long and I can feel blackouts trying to happen, everything feels... Fuzzy. Are you ok leaving soon?"

"Yeah, I'm ok with that," I fight the urge to back away from him and fidget uncomfortably, "Whatever keeps us safe."

"Tomorrow afternoon, we'll go tomorrow afternoon. In the morning we'll get our tickets and maybe head around town, no harm letting you see the city before we have to leave."

I nod before slowly moving over to the bed. He still sits, bouncing his leg, I start twisting the end of my shirt and counting to calm myself.

"1... 2... 3... 4... 5... 6..." Alex jumps up, making me jump.

"I need some air, you get some sleep, make sure your stuff is ready to go tomorrow," he marches out of the room, slamming the door behind him.

I can't wait to leave Oklahoma City. I want to be far away from anything that could even be considered familiar.

I pull out new clothes for tomorrow, putting all my soaps and books away before I climb into the bed for the night.

Fear creeps into me in the silence. What if he does blackout? What if he comes back while I'm sleeping? Would he hurt me?

I tell myself to relax, to calm down and sleep but I can't. I'm scared, I'm alone, it's too quiet.

Digging through my backpack I find my book and iPod. Music and reading will calm my nerves, I hope. I stare blankly at the pages. Every little noise makes me jump.

My hands start shaking as I finally decide to say "screw it". I drop my book and music on the bed before slipping on some shoes and a jacket. Opening the door, I feel the cold air shock my skin. I welcome it as I step out and speed walk through the parking lot.

I round the corner of the main building, I count and try to take deep breaths.

"1... 2... 3... 4..."

Out of nowhere I feel someone grab my arms and shove my back into the outside of the building. My vision flashes as my head smacks into the bricks. I can't see, it's dark, I'm alone and I'm scared.