14 Chapter 14

I wake up and find my backpack and book have been moved. Sitting up I see my clothes at the foot of my bed and Alex's bag on the couch, but no Alex.

"Alex?" I call out, hearing nothing but silence in return. I get up and look all around the room, nothing.

I hurry over to my pile of clothes and start folding them up and putting them in my bag. Some of them feel softer than normal, like my underwear. I feel my cheeks turn lobster red. While I'm folding, I pull out fresh clothes so I don't have to keep this stretched shirt and over-sized pants on. After everything is put away, I quickly pull off my pants and shirt. I slide into my shorts and start to go for my shirt when I hear the door knob turn.

Before it manages to open I make my way into the bathroom and close the door.

"Jules?" I hear Alex's voice bounce through the room, "Jules are you here?"

I hear a small hint of panic in his voice, I grab a towel to cover my chest and open the door slightly, "I'm in here. I didn't know when you'd be back, I was getting changed."

He looks at the bed and sees my shirt, his eyes get wide, "Oh so you're..."

"Yes Alex, I am, can I please have my shirt?" I reach my arm out the door.

He gives me a very endearing smile and nods, reaching over to the bed he grabs my shirt, "How are you doing?" He passes the shirt to me, looking at the ceiling.

"I don't know. How are you doing?" I respond as I rush to pull the shirt over my head.

"I feel fine given everything, no blackouts. I do want to throw myself into traffic for what you had to go through today," I step out of the bathroom, met with his concerned eyes digging into mine, "I am beyond sorry, if there's anything I can do to make it better I will."

He suddenly seems distracted, looking me up and down. I didn't realize how small my shorts were, my shirt almost passes them.

"Maybe I should change again," I slide past him and reach for my bag.

I feel my hand on my arm, I look up at him, "Please don't," his voice drops to a soft whisper, he stares at me.

"Alex," I speak slowly as I pull my arm back.

He shakes his head, "I'm sorry, I don't really know what that was. That came out really bad," he steps back and puts his hand in his pockets, "I mean please don't feel like you have to change because I'm here. Those look comfortable, I want you to be comfortable."

I look down and nod. I bite my lips before moving past him for the front door, "I need some air."

He shrugs his shoulder away from the door and doesn't fight me going outside. I close the door, leaning back on it I take in a deep breath in. I feel like I've been holding my breath all week. It hasn't even been a full week since we left Englewood. It's barely been five days, feels like it's been months.

I close my eyes and just take in the air around me. I feel the door latch behind me moments before I fall backwards as the door opens.

Alex barely catches me, "Oh, sorry I didn't think you were against the door," he holds me in his arms barely off the floor.

I try to wiggle out of his grasp and stand up in the doorway again, "God you just can't give me a little privacy?"

"I'm sorry, I wasn't sure if you were going somewhere, or where you would be going, or if you were ok. I'm sorry."

He stands in front of me. I do see genuine concern when I look at him, but somehow it isn't enough. Somehow I'm not fully convinced. Somehow I still just want to slap him and yell.

"Alex, where am I going to go?" I shake my head and march into the room.

I sit on the bed, he stands at the foot. We just stare each other down, his eyes begging me to stand down and mine hopefully telling him to go screw himself.

Eventually he looks away, grabbing his wallet, "I'll go get you something to eat, I'll be back," he starts muttering as he walks out, "Maybe then we can actually talk to each other."

He closes the door and I cross my arms, "Bite me," I snap as I get under the blankets and put in my earbuds. I blast my music and try not to cry.

I make it through most of my music before the door opens again. Alex looks at me, hopeful. I watch the hope fade away as I turn my back to him again.

He comes over and puts a bag down in front of me before he goes to sit on the couch. I watch him pull out a burger, he glances at me as I take my sweet time moving even though I am insanely hungry.

The silence is filled with tension and the awful sound of us chewing. I watch him closely, I watch the silence eat him up.

I've never been a petty or vindictive person, but today has just rubbed me in such a wrong way. I watch as the final chord of Alex's sanity snaps.

"Will you please talk to me?" He finally snaps, "I'm dying over here. I'm already killing myself over what's happened, it doesn't help having you say you believed my apology and then totally icing me out. I don't know what happened, and I'm trying to figure it out, but I can't think when all of my mind is focused on trying to read you and get you to talk to me. Please, I'm begging you Jules."

I put down my burger and look at him, "What do you want me to say Alex? That I forgive you for this morning? That I'm not still scared, not still angry? I can't tell you that. I was so afraid of you getting into that bathroom after I ran in there, you had your hand around my neck and a hand over my mouth. You're bigger and stronger than me, I was scared of what you would do to me. And now I'm still scared, but mostly angry. I'm angry we're here and I'm angry you want me to forget about it all so quickly."

"I don't expect you to forget about it, and I get why you're scared, but I don't know how to make it better. I won't know unless you talk to me. I don't ever want you to go through that again, I want to protect you not hurt you. Please give me a chance to make things right?"

"I can't promise anything."

"Can you try?"

I take a minute to think, I know I can't promise forgiveness but I can let him try to earn it, "I can try."

A small smile starts to show on his face. I still don't want him anywhere near me, but I'm willing to try and let him fix that.

"Jules?" he starts fidgeting, "Tell me what happened? In Tulsa and when we got here."

I squirm on the bed, "In Tulsa and here you seemed like a different person. Your default reaction to any situation was intimidation and violence, I've never seen that side of you. Some guy was talking to me at the Tulsa stop and before I had a chance to walk away you yanked me behind you and threatened him. Here I tried to take a shower without telling you and you got on me about how I can't just take off without telling you. When I was done you picked me up and threw me on the bed, all but demanding I sleep while you went off to do god knows what. I wake up to you next to me, when I moved you ordered me back in bed. That's when I hid in the bathroom and I truly was afraid of you getting inside. You tricked me into coming out, you held me against you with your hand on my throat!" I feel my throat getting tight, "You tossed me on the bed again and started pacing, you sounded insane! Every time I looked at you, your eyes looked glossed over and you looked like you couldn't care less how scared I was," I can't look at him, "There were moments you almost seemed to enjoy it."

He stands up and marches over to me, pulling me into a tight hug as he sits next to me. I listen to him mumble apologies as I start to shake. Being this close makes me nervous, at any second he could snap again and he'd have total power over me.

"It was like the god awful motorcycle all over again," I grumble as I try to push away.

"Wait," he pulls back, clearly thinking, "What did you say?"

"I said it was like being on that motorcycle again, you almost drove us into oncoming traffic!"

Realization fills his eyes, "Oh my god, Jules I think you're right!"

"About what? You trying to kill us?"

"No!" he looks offended, "Think about it, that wasn't me. I blacked out then too, remember? I told you we were still somewhere familiar to me, I told you it wasn't me who tried to crash the motorcycle. I told you I was being controlled!"

I realize what he's talking about. The devil.

"But you aren't familiar with this place, yeah you said you'd been to Tulsa before but we were there for all of like an hour."

"I've been so exhausted the past couple days, between what happened to you in Missouri and trying to get us out of there I hadn't really been able to sleep. I think he took advantage of that, you're most vulnerable when you're exhausted or asleep. It would explain the blackouts and why sleep wasn't helping, I thought I was sleeping but I was still spending energy because he was using me to do whatever."

I get scared, if we aren't safe in our sleep, when are we safe?

"What do we do then? How do we know it won't happen again? Alex I don't want to wake up one night and find you trying to kill me."

"That won't happen, I'll figure this out. He won't win, I will keep you safe."

Somehow that's hard to believe, he doesn't have any real control over himself, how can he promise it won't happen again?

"I'm going to sleep on the couch tonight. I'm sorry Alex but after this morning it's hard to trust I'm safe sleeping next to you right now," I scout away from him slowly.

"I can understand that, but you should take the bed. You should be able to sleep comfortably."

"I can fit on the couch, plus I'm not the one who can hurt others if they don't get enough sleep. Alex please just agree with me for once."

He nods, "Ok, I'll give you this one. But tomorrow please take the bed, I don't want you on the couch constantly."

I get up, not acknowledging what he said, and go to the bathroom. Closing the door I put my forehead against the wood. I need a break, I need space from him.

I know he won't let me go out but I pray he'll leave so I can breathe. I stay in the bathroom for more than half an hour before I hear a knock at the door.

"Jules? Are you ok?"

"Yes Alex, I'm fine. Don't worry I'm not in here planning my suicide or signing off my soul."

"Come on don't be like that. I'm sorry but I just... I can't help worry. I hurt you, you can barely look at me. I got you into this and it's only getting worse, I'm worried about you."

I hear sincerity in his voice, I know he wants to help. I know I should just throw him a bone, "Do you think you can just leave me be for a little while? I need some space, I'm still scared and I feel smothered. I just need a couple hours of peace."

It's silent.

I open the door slightly, "Please Alex?"

He looks down at me, his face is tight and full of pain, "Just a couple hours?"

"Yes, that's all."

"Alright, I'll go find a couple food places we can use while we're here. I'll be back in a couple hours."

I watch him grab his jacket as he leaves the motel room with his hands shoved in his pockets. After he's gone I come out to sit on the bed. I spread myself out and just breathe.

In and out.

In and out.

In and out.

Two hours, at most.

Two hours of peace, two hours to compose myself.

It's not enough but it is a start. I pull out my sketch pad and my pencils. My fingers fly and I feel myself leave reality.