13 Chapter 13

I wake up to Alex asleep next to me. I panic and jump out of the bed. I move over to the couch and sit there staring at him. Part of me debates whether or not I should get up and leave, but that probably wouldn't go well.

I look at the clock, it's two in the afternoon. I've been asleep for maybe four hours, I feel like I barely slept a minute.

I barely knew Alex, and I certainly didn't know he was that strong. I don't weigh a lot but no one should be able to pick me up that easily.

I jump when I hear Alex stirring in the bed. His hand lazily and heavily moves to where I was laying, when he doesn't feel me there he shoots up wide awake. His eyes meet mine for a second before I look away.

"What the hell are you doing?" He pinches the bridge of his nose.

My hands shake, I'm afraid to say the wrong thing, "I woke up, I thought you would appreciate having more space so I moved."

He squints at me and shakes his head, "Get back in the bed Jules."

There's something sinister in his voice, making my hair stand on end. I don't want to be next to him, especially considering he's expecting me to be in a bed next to him. I get up, he watches me as I walk by the bed.

"Jules," he speaks slowly.

I dart over to the bathroom, causing him to jump off the bed after me. I barely manage to slam the door by the time he reaches me. I listen to him banging on the door as I press in the lock and start crying.

I jump as he smacks the door, "Jules! Open the door! I swear to god..."

I cover my mouth sobbing. Four years of high school fights made it clear that Alex had a violent side but it had always seemed to be for helping people. I was truly afraid of him getting in.

"Jules?" His voice has dropped, no longer with cruel intention, "Jules please just open the door. Please."

I feel myself vibrate in the corner. It stays completely silent, and somehow that scares me even more. After fifteen minutes of total quiet I hear the hotel room door open and slam shut. I sit there waiting for any noise to tell me he's still there, nothing.

Slowly and silently, I open the bathroom door. I look out into the room but don't see him anywhere. Cautiously I step out into the room, unprepared for Alex to come up from behind the open door to grab me.

He wraps his arms around me, settling his hands securely over my mouth and my neck.

"Don't fight me," he whispers sharply in my ear, "I don't want to hurt you. You need to relax and be quiet. If I let you go do you promise you won't fight me again?"

I feel my lip quivering, I squeeze my watery eyes shut and nod. He lets go of my neck and takes his hand off my mouth. I gasp as I try to keep the sobs in.

"Alex," I squeak as I speak.

"Shh!" I flinch when he snaps back at me, "Be quiet. I need to think."

He's still holding me in place, his grip around my arms and torso loosens. I feel him carefully drop his head onto my shoulder, his sweat rolls onto my skin. As I try to pull away, he tightens his grip, my fighting accomplishes nothing except pulling my shirt off my shoulder.

I start shaking as he pushes me over to the bed, "Sit down," he tightens his grip and uses his leverage to force me onto the bed. He drops me down and starts pacing.

"God, my head is splitting," he runs his hands into his hair, holding it in his fists.

I scoot back up to the headboard and pull my legs close to me. He stops pacing, dropping his hands as he stares at me. He takes a few steps closer to the bed, the closer he gets the more I shake.

Out of nowhere he jumps on the bed and is sitting directly in front of me. I clench my jaw and bite my lip. His mouth hangs open as he stares at me with this look of confusion. His hair is drenched in sweat and his hands shake as he reaches out to touch my face. I lift my head up and turn away from him.

"What have I done to you?" his voice is a soft whisper.

I stare at the wall, my chest heaving. I feel like I'm going to faint when Alex grabs my arms and pulls me against him. He holds the back of my head and starts muttering into my neck. I'm too scared to move.

"I'm so sorry," I hear his voice waver, "You never asked for this, I'm so sorry."

We stay like this for almost an hour before Alex forces himself to let go. He heads for his bag and pulls out a change of clothes.

"I'm going to shower," he won't make eye contact with me, "While I'm in there pull out the clothes you want washed, I'll find a laundry mat."

He glances up at me, it takes him a second to leave for the bathroom. I watch him debate if he should say more, stepping towards the door then back at me. It takes him ten minutes to get in the bathroom and lock the door.

When I hear the water start I go to my bag and pull out most of my clothes, after being sick and sweaty for those three days in Missouri most of my clothes have been infected by the smell.

I panic as I pull out my clothes, realizing that him doing the laundry means he'll see my underwear. Should I just leave them out of the pile? I won't be able to go clean anything without him insisting to be there with me. Maybe I could wash them in the sink while he's gone? They probably wouldn't be done before he got back.

I hear the water stop, in a moment of panic I leave my pile and dart over to the window to get as far from the bathroom as I can.

Alex steps out still in a towel. He halts when he sees me, I look down at the floor and keep myself pressed to the wall. I listen as his footsteps slowly get closer to me, with a quick glance up I see him only a few steps away from me.

"Are you ok?" He rubs his hands together nervously.

I shrug my shoulders, looking back down at the ground. He steps forward again, inches away from me. I try to adjust the collar of my shirt, it's so stretched now I can't keep it from falling off my shoulder.

"Jules, I... I really am sorry, I don't know what's going on," he reaches out and wraps his hand carefully around my wrist to pull me off the wall, "Jules, I know I'm going to sound crazy for this but... Tell me what happened, please, I don't remember. I barely remember anything since getting on the bus. I remember getting on the bus, I remember getting off, I remember the taxi and that's about it."

I feel anger boil inside of me, he doesn't get to sit here and be unaware. He doesn't get to apologize when he doesn't even know how awful he was acting.

"You really don't know do you?" I look at him, steaming, "You have no memory of picking me up and throwing me on the bed? Of tricking me to come out of the bathroom to catch me and hold me by the throat? No idea how truly scared I was of you and how you were acting!"

He stares at me, terrified, "I don't remember any of that. I'm so sorry, I would never do that to you, I wouldn't--"

"But you did Alex," I still don't feel like I can look at him, but my anger is slowly overpowering my fear, "You ordered me around like I was nothing, you nearly banged the bathroom door down while I hid in there. You picked me up and threw me on the bed like it was nothing!"

He looks down, ashamed, "I'm sorry Jules. I don't know what's going on, but I want you to know, I never would do that to you willingly, I never would want you to go through that."

My lip quivers as I watch him turn around and head back into the bathroom. I don't move, I'm still standing where he left me when he comes back in his t-shirt and jeans.

"Do you want to come with me?" he takes everything out of his duffle bag and starts putting our clothes inside, "I can bring something back for you if you want to stay here."

I don't move, I don't say anything. He stops packing our clothes and comes over to me. Carefully he puts his hands on my cheeks.

"Jules, please look at me," I listen, still afraid he might do something if I don't, "I won't hurt you willingly. I hate myself for letting you get hurt by my hands. Please look at me and tell me you believe that, please honestly tell me you don't see the me that hurt you."

I look into his eyes, I look over all the details of his face. His eyes are no longer hollow and glossed over, but they aren't arrogant either. His mouth is turned down and tight, his cheeks firm. He doesn't look the same, he does truly look sorry and ashamed.

"I believe you," I whisper, a lump forming in my throat. He pulls me into a hug, "I believe you."

I sit on the couch while he puts the last of our clothes in his bag. We don't say anything. We just watch each other, both of us waiting for the other to say or do anything.

He zips up the bag and sits next to me, being cautious and keeping his distance.

"Are you hungry? I could find you something to eat," he tries to give a comforting smile but it just looks desperate.

"Sure, food sounds good right now," I want him to calm down so I can calm down. I'm still afraid that he's just going to snap again, and his anxiousness is just freaking me out.

His smile relaxes a bit and he hesitantly reaches out to pat my hand before he gets up and heads for the door.

"I don't know how long I'll be so I guess just do your own thing. Read or draw or sleep, I don't really know."

I nod, not moving. I watch him leave but still I don't get up. Instead I grab a pillow and scream into it. What I would give right now to go home and never speak to him again, and to think a few weeks ago you could catch me drooling over him in the halls.

I dart over to my backpack and pull out my sketchpad, I dig through all the drawings and find the one I drew of Alex our first day in Missouri. I want to tear it up, and I get ready to... But I can't.

I shove it back into my bag and grunt, "Alex Monroe I hate your guts," I mutter to myself as I flop onto the bed.

I try to adjust my shirt again but it still falls, even tucking it under my bra strap doesn't help. Frustrated, I tell myself to change when Alex gets back with my clothes. I then promise myself to go to bed and not talk to him.

I crawl up to the pillows and curl up into a ball. I look over at my backpack and pull it close to dig out the cellphone Alex got me. I dial my mom's cell number.

I wait, disappointed when it goes to voicemail. I leave a message hoping she'll have time to check it later.

"Hi mommy," I fight tears, I never pictured myself so far from her and so closed off from her, "I just wanted to call and say hi. I wanted to make sure you're doing ok and ask how school is going. Call me when you get this, I miss you. I love you mom."

I wait a little bit before I hang up and crawl under the blankets. I grab one of the books I bought at the store in Missouri and start reading. I make it five chapters in before I fade out and fall asleep.