2 Self Loathe

"At what point, did I learn to hate myself?"

I asked myself as I stood in front of the mirror. Realization hit as I looked at my reflection. At what point of my life, did I look at this mirror and start to hate what I see. At what point, did I learn to hate myself?

The confidence and brightness I used to have has disappeared. I ask myself, what happened?

…

I looked in the mirror and stared. The youth that I once had, the innocence I had. They were now all gone. I gazed into the mirror once again and reminisce, the child I once was. A naive and beautiful memory I first remembered, playing with you in the playground. Rambling at our friends on how I wanted to grow up and become a doctor to save lives. How excited I was to grow up and learn how to become an adult. Our days with peers full of innocence and joy, playing and learning how to write. Happiness until the end we said.

Then we grew, elementary felt as if we were at the top of the world. We learn more and feel mature for our age despite not being one. Our days filled with fun, we just did everything together and fun, but didn't realise we were making memories. True friendships, happy friendships, or even toxic ones, this is when we start to learn bit by bit on what society could be.

We spend six years together with people starting from a young age. We chose our friend groups and made promises. Some promises left empty and some were proven. We start to learn that life doesn't always go our own way and how we want it. We learned to accept and started to see how the adults saw us. This was also when we were told to have the same mindset, higher grades means a higher status for us.

We were treated on how our grades were, the higher they were we would be treated. A low grade could mean us getting disciplined and left out as our peers compared theirs. At this point in our lives, everyone learned what was pretty and what was not. We were classified into groups, people with different interests barely interact. Everyone started to become 'someone' to fit in, or else you'll be alone.

There were people in our lives who were much more 'popular', 'successful' or even 'smarter.' That we couldn't help but feel inferior to them, we were still learning so we over exaggerated things we thought we were correct about. Parents not talking to us or ignoring us, feeling left out and low grades. That's what depression used to be for us.

We knew our own stories, but never knew others. We were living as if we're all trying to survive. As if you're in a sinking ship, the boat tilts as the captain chooses who to let go of next. As I desperately hold on, just to not get overthrown.

Then we grew up. A new chapter was to be started. The promises we gave to each other that we thought would last forever were now forgotten. A new chapter, I decided to flip the page and continued. Then I met all of you.

A new chapter was opened, I thought I was mature now. Oh boy, how wrong was I. I learned the pain of others and how more grave they were than mine. My confident and leading self was now gone. When I thought I reached the peak of the mountain, I was wrong. I was just on a hill that now directs me to climb a mountain.

"When did I start to hate myself again?"

This was when.

Meeting of new pretty faces, new intelligent people and even talented creative ones. I felt myself cower and look down. Envious of people I thought that were better than me, I tried to be with people who I could at least be better even with just a small percentage. The mindset I placed myself in broke me.

This was the first time I looked in the mirror and felt disgust. I hate what I see in that reflection, a person who held grudges to people who accepted her. Seeking help, I tried asking my parents, but couldn't.

Words failed to come out as I observed them. I stopped myself, before I even had the chance to try. I stood there silently as I overheard them plan my future. They weren't aware, but the advice and plans they had for me just became an added pressure to myself. School, peers, parents and myself. Where am I supposed to go now?

The friendship I took for granted.

The friends that were there, but I pushed away.

The family, I couldn't even say I love you to.

The school that I couldn't fit into.

Where am I supposed to be then?

I looked into the mirror once again, and saw darkness creeping over me. I had never felt such anger towards anything in my life and that anger was for myself. Self-pity and loneliness I sat in my room and stared in the mirror.

I hate myself.

I fucking hate myself.

Not a long time after, suicidal thoughts also started to come. I loathed my very being. I hate how insecure I am. I hate how fucking stupid I am. I hate how I treated my peers. I hate everything.

…

I blamed the world for everything. I never asked for much, did I? Ever since I was a child I just wished to be happy. I blamed the world that I had become something I hated. I blamed the world for the misfortune and loneliness I had. Despite knowing, I was the very cause of all this.

I want to fix myself, but everytime I look into the mirror I just loathe myself even more.

I hate the way I look.

I hate how fat I am.

I hate the way I walk.

I hate how I sound as I talk.

I hate that I can't have the same confidence as them.

I hate how much pain I feel right now.

I hate how much I want to end everything and kill myself, but couldn't.

Breaking down in front of the mirror became a habit. I watch myself and how pathetic I have become. I can't show my parents this. The only hope for their future was slowly deteriorating. They weren't there most of the time, but I couldn't help and feel sorry for them for having someone like me.

I learned how to cut and hurt myself. Those ways I could at least lessen the anger I feel for me. I wanted to cut ties with my friends. I wanted to end everything.

I'm in so much pain. I just want someone to notice it or even just ask me about my day.

I want to end everything so badly, but I am a coward.

If I did that now, what would happen to them? What about my parents? What about everything that happened until now?

…

As I think back it was always those thoughts that saved me from doing something. Even deep inside of me, there was a small glimmer of hope who wanted to see me live.

I lived through the endless cycle of pretending, breaking down and loathing myself everyday.

But then you found me.

As I was at my lowest, you found me and hugged me.

Without any other action, silence filled the room.

"You did a great job."

I…

I broke down. The tireless months of self-loathing, and self-harm. Someone finally noticed. I hugged back, it was the warmth I just needed.

I met someone who shared the same pains as me. You knew what I was going through as you also are going through it. Our faults and pains made us close. You've always thought that if you couldn't save yourself, you'd rather save someone else. We used each other as a will to live. We still had breakdowns, still self-harmed and loathed ourselves in a way, but this time we had somebody on our side.

Time passed and wounds started to heal bit by bit. They were still open and painful, but progress was happening. I started to fall for you as we talked everyday and I used this as a will to live. We called every night and wouldn't separate in the day. It seemed as if it was us against the world. I felt something change within me, for the first time I was excited once again and imagined a future. Something I could never do before, after a long time the hole in my heart was replaced with you.

Time passed as we became third years. You called and told me.

"Thank you, I love you."

You confessed. I felt euphoria for the first time. I couldn't give you a reply as I wanted to wait for the next day to see you once again. That was when I want to tell you my feelings.

…

My blissful moment ended as I walked into your neighborhood. I watched as a crowd gathered outside, and you were there hanging by the entrance of your doorway. I saw as there was a small gap opened at the door.

Regret, anger, and misery I felt as I rushed to try and get inside. I cried miserably as the police tried to stop me. I cried calling out your name.

But no one answered back.

I was sent back home that day and the future I once imagined was now gone.

Back to the present, where I am alive and have a group of wonderful people I am friends with.

I still hate myself.

I still am insecure about myself.

Though the letter you left for me that day, changed my thoughts and myself. I understood why you decided to do it that day. You just couldn't take it anymore and I don't blame you for that and never will. You loved me genuinely, and I do too. Even now memories of you, still makes my feelings for you not disappear as I couldn't help it.

I still hate myself for not being able to save you. You saved me when I was at my lowest, but couldn't do the same to you. I did consider joining you the day you died, but the letters and countless memories you left me stopped me. The moments we made as we tried to make the best of our situation are now turned into unforgettable memories. Though I'm not stuck in the past, as you wished. I'm moving forward and even in a way, I will continue what you left behind.

Here I am two years later standing before you with the pink carnation you used to give me everyday. "I love you too, Alfonse."

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