Two Heads of a Love (2)

After that horrible birthday party, Alska is still persistent about my gift to her. Since I say it needs time to be ready, she waits for it impatiently. She even asks me every day after I got back from school. I just answer it with 'it is not ready' or 'I will give it to you later.' Of course, I won't. I don't buy her anything, not even a piece of cheap candy. I'll buy it later, but not now. My head is not in ease to even talk to someone.

Every step I take is like riding a dark cloud. I feel light, inconsistent with my step, like hovering above the ground. Is this because I partake the birthday celebration with mother before? No, that won't be, I've seen her murdering many people. Why would this be any different than the other?

I go to school, do any usual stuff there, and I feel nothing. Empty. Diana is not here, her voice is not here, and it is all because of my powerlessness. Joseph… I still love him, but I should keep a distance. After what happened to Diana, I must become more aware about my circle. He still tries to accompany me during lunch, or keep talking to me about what we're supposed to do before. I just response it with 'hmm' or' okay.'

Joseph is still the boy I love. His eyes are still my favorite. The boring, average face that still makes my heart flutters. But, staring at him always reminds me of Diana. She used to be with us. I thought she is such a ruckus when we all together, but now? Joseph still tries to ask me on a date, he always waits for me in front of the school gate. However, the one he talks to is not Andra he knows from Diana. Now, this is Andra with long face and messy hair.

Home or school, it doesn't matter. I'm living in a nightmare, just like before I met Diana and Joseph. I should be used to this, living like an empty shell and doing something like a lifeless doll. Why am I so weak? I used to be ignored and ignoring anything. When Diana or Mrs. Dowle left me, I should be okay. Now, I regret opening my heart. Because when it's wide open, everything, including despair able to enter and plays inside it.

Alska… she should be the light for this darkness we're stuck in. But in this birthday, why did she ask for a bloody mannequin. Why am I accepting and letting it go? Where did it go wrong? My head hurts, it hurts. Alska is not as bright as what I see. She is already contaminated. However, I still think that she is still my dearly little sister, until what I see today.

A week after her birthday, she is mad because I don't bring her anything as a birthday gift. "Why don't you give me something Big Andra? You should give me something!" Alska shouts on my face. It is rare for her to be mad. At first, I just ignore her and continue to text Diana (still no reply, but I have my hope). Alska starts crying and throws her kitten dolls to me.

"Okay… I will buy your gift," I say. She stops throwing a tantrum and smiles.

"I'll wait!"

I go back to home with a new doll I bought from the nearest store. I take a cat doll, just like what she wants. But when I call her from the terrace, she is not answering. I open the front door, but Alska is not in the living room. She usually greets me happily.

I knock her room, but there is no answer. I begin to worry. Alska is always inside the house, I call her name again and again, but still no answer.

"Big Andra!" I turn my head immediately. I see her enters the kitchen. There, I see Alska with blood in her hand. She is holding her favorite doll, Mrs. Branna. I rush to her, touch her face to check if there is a scar or large wound around her face and her hand. Mother will kill me if something happened to Alska.

At first, I thought it's her blood on her hand. Then, I see her hand is perfectly okay, but few small wounds from weak bites are visible here and there.

"What happened to you Alska?! Who hurt you!?"

"Hurt? No, Big Andra! It doesn't hurt!" she says happily. She smiles brightly as if there is nothing in her hands.

"Did you hurt yourself? I told you to not playing something dangerous!" I scold her. But she doesn't look pleased after I said that. "I'm not hurting myself, Big Andra! I'm just playing with your gift!"

I pause. I look at Alska's face. A sudden dark cloud muddled on my head, confusion and fear sting on my skin. I could not hide the worry from my face. "Gift?" I ask. She nods.

"I'm sorry for being mad, Big Andra!" she smiles, "You give me a great surprise!"

I don't remember giving any surprise at all. "What surprise?" I ask again.

"You don't remember, Big Andra?" she tilts her head to the right, her facial expression is similar to someone that I know very well, "The gift you prepared in your bedroom."

As soon as the line ties together, I rush upstairs to my room. I look at the medium-sized cage in the corner of my room. The kitten is gone. I run to Alska again, she looks innocent, which makes it scarier. I grip her shoulder and roughly shaking it. "Where's the cat?!"

"Big Andra, it hurt!" she says. I loosen my grip a little, but strong enough to hold her. "I play with it, it is in the backyard now."

I push her aside and run to the backyard. My eyes are wildly searching in every spot viewable by my eyesight. Alska follows me behind and says. "Near the tree."

After she said that, my eyes spot a weird-looking red thing from afar. When I go after that weird thing, I know something wont end well. It's the kitten from Diana, but no white fur covers its body, not anymore.

"Alska… what did you do?" I ask her. Alska bypasses me, she takes the kitten and snaps its neck. She pulls her head with the sheer strength of a seven years old kid. "I'm just playing," she says.

I look at her eyes, the bright blue eyes I love, with pure sweetness that melt everyone who dare to look at it. It shines as if there is nothing wrong with her deed. "I'm playing with your gift, Big Andra." She smiles with charming dimples on her left cheeks. "Mrs. Branna said, this doll is weird, why is it moving? Does it have a battery? But we play with it." Says Alska. She stares at the kitten head she pulled. "When I want to play dress up, your gift starts moving so much, and then it bites me."

"Alska…"

"I said 'No doll, that's not good,' but it keeps biting me. So I tried to take the battery from its body." Alska keeps talking, as if I'm not here beside her, "I looked at its body, but I couldn't find the battery, so I pulled its fur. I still find no battery. But your gift has this… umm… red jam like in our piñata. So, I pull all its fur until it stopped moving."

"Alska…"

"Now, it is not moving anymore, it is broken!" she pouts, "And its body is all red, when I lick its body, it tastes weird, sting… like that candy from piñata, but I love it! Don't you love the red candy too, Big Andra?"

"Why…"

"You know Big Andra, this is the best doll ever! I'm sorry for breaking it, I promise I will keep it!" Says Alska. She ends her happy talk by hugging me tightly. I tremble, I tremble that my body won't co-op with my mind. I push Alska away and slap her, hard. Alska falls to the ground. She looks at me with tears start leaking out of her eyes. I stomp my sister as hard as I can. I kick her, I kick her, I kick her and I stomp her until there are no cries, but squeak.

"You—you fucking evil! You're just like her! You—What are you!?"

"I'm sorry… Big Andra…"

"You killed her gift to me! Diana's only gift to me!"

"I'm sorry… I promise, I will be good… it hurt, Big Andra—"

"You don't understand, you piece of shit! YOU MONSTER!"

"Big Andra…"

I stop kicking her when I realize that my sister is horribly wounded. She tries to shield herself. Hearing her whimper stops me, but it gives me this horrible feeling of failure. I want to help her. I can take her to her room and treat her injury.

When I try to reach her, she says, 'I will be a good' repeatedly. She denies my help. She thinks I'm mad because she broke the very special gift I give to her. She says she can do it on her own, so that Big Andra won't get even madder.

I run to my room and lock it safely. I kick my sister, I stomp her, and I left her alone. I'm a failure. I suppose to protect her and guide her. But what just I did?!

'Stupid Andra! You're stupid!' I smash my head to the door until blood starts leaking from my head. I smash it again so I won't cry and I will have the same pain as my sister. Everything starts getting hazy and then, it's dark.