Two Heads of a Love (1)

She left without any goodbye. Only the words from the teacher, tell us that Diana already moved out with her mom. Days passed until I realize that she left everything like this, torn but hidden. No police have ever shows up, no report about mother or I involved with the disappearance Mr. Rothe. It's safe for us, especially mother. She's right, a dog can't speak.

I've tried to text her. I know, it's stupid to text someone who despises you. But I want to know about her condition, at least whether she is alive or not…

A dozen of texts I've sent to her everyday left unanswered. I wonder if she is still sane or not. When I go to her big house, and it's abandoned. I see no one, and nothing lives in her house, including the plants, the flowerbeds are just a combination of dead flowers and dry soil. This big house suddenly left behind with no trace of human ever step inside of it.

'Did Diana tell everyone about it?'

'Did her mom know about her husband?'

'Did they already report it to the police?'

All the woes are playing in my head like a depressing musical. I start doubting my safety. No, she must've told the police. I have experience about people with broken hearts, they always ended up dead or getting insane. I'm sure, because I'm not dead yet, Diana must do something to get her revenge.

It's not because I don't trust my dearest friend… but after that night, I doubt even the closest friend will forgive each other easily. I'm not a dumb person who lives in a wonderland. But, nothing will be enough to confirm my worries. No calls haven't been answered, neither the messages.

It's been three days for me to visit Diana's house, while I know I won't find anything, but seeing myself inside that big house, with Diana and her mom, chatting like a normal human, that must be fun…

Kitten? Hasn't had any name for that thing. The kitten hasn't been off from her cage up until now. I keep it, sure, but I never look at it more than a minute or two per day. Well, because it always reminds me of the last night of Diana and me. I feed the kitten, I refill her drink, clean her feces, but nothing more. I just can't. Every time I see that kitten, it reminds me of how kindhearted and naïve Diana was. She didn't punch me, choke me, or slice my throat after she knew her dad's demise. Which is very odd and confusing.

It leaves this… incomplete feeling of mine. I'm missing something. I hope Diana would just kill me and all of these regrets will fade away with the physical scars. Now, there is an unhealthy scar in my heart. Regretful, I know, who would expect her to just walk away with those newly created grieves.

I know those feeling very well, it leaves you mentally unconscious for a day, a week, or years. After that, only a fire would light, a blazing fire that burns those who stands against it and those who dare to be close to it. I see that fire everyday, mother has it, and the fire turns to be blue and calmer than I thought, but hotter and deadlier.

It's all back to zero, the time when my phone only ring when mother asks me about something, and when I don't have any friend. I grow to be your usual plain Jane on the side of the road. I spend my day in school as your odd gloomy ginger, eating my lunch alone, keeping my voice shut, and leaving unnoticed.

I couldn't even look at Joseph just like what I used to. Everything is incomplete without Diana. I just realize that I'm such a bland person without my friend. I ignore his messages. He texts me two times a day, asking about Diana, or asking whether I'm free or not. He wants to pick me up at my house, visiting a new bookstore, or just spending some time with me. I deliberately refused all of them.

I don't want Joseph to see me become as gloomy as this. I know he wants that Andra who is beautiful, mysterious, with full of charm of ginger. Now, look at me, I don't even care about my appearance anymore. Did I mention that I am thinner for just a week? I eat less than a fasting cactus. Things wouldn't be like this if Diana were still in here.

The class isn't as crowded as it seems. I keep staring at the chair beside me. It's usually her seat. She would bother me to death, and sometimes, I even hit her to make her stop blabbering about random shit. Now, I'm here, missing that random blabbering, that fun gossip she shared with me during the lunch (which I always ignore) and much more.

Joseph has been trying to talk to me. He even follows and sits with me during lunch. He is still the guy that I… admire, but it's just different. It's different when I sit with Diana. The atmosphere is chilling. I feel no warmth with just sitting with him. I can't help myself to crawl to the past. It was too late for me to realize how much I want that warmth of her again beside me. I let myself got swallowed by ego. I forgot how much I treasure her.

"Andra." I hear Joseph calling my name. I look at him, but I see Diana. I imagined her face when Joseph called me since he sits in her usual spot. "Diana will be okay, you can always text her whenever you miss her," he says. I nod a little. Joseph doesn't know the truth after all. He is just as naïve as my dearest friend.

He offers me a ride after the school ends. I politely refused. Yes, I can see his disappointment from his face and his tone when he said 'Okay, see you tomorrow.'

I'm trying to limit myself. I already lost Diana in a very bitter way, how can I lose another one? I keep myself out of reach for a long time. I let my guard down once, and it created bloodshed. Heart is all nothing but trouble.

I stop in front of Mrs. Dowle's house. The police line is still in there. However, no police have visited this house for a period of time. The rumor says the case is scary and unsolved one. Maybe it'll be solved, but not so soon. Since the keeper of the secret is the killer and her daughter.

In front of my house, I see Alska in the terrace. She has her kitten dolls and set of crayon. She begins drawing something in her drawing book.

"Alska," I call her. She looks at my direction with her blue starry eyes. She gives her brightest smile to me, which I repay it with small smile. "What are you drawing?" I ask. She immediately covers the drawing with her hand. She giggles.

"Don't look, Big Andra!" she says, "This is your gift for our birthday!"

"… Okay, thanks, Alska." I let a bitter smile.

Birthday… I know few things about birthday, and most of them are painful things in the past that I can't forget. I thought a birthday should be a happy day for every person. But what I got is a sad night with heavy rain, it was the last time I saw my dad, also the day when I discovered the worse truth, when I knew about mother's affair, and also the birth of Alska.

We share the same birthday, 7th of August. Our birthday last year was a tedious one. I'm there just to switch gift for my sister and receive one from mother. No such thing as cake, guest, or music. We celebrated it just to make Alska feels special, like what she saw in her book about a little girl and her birthday party. Well, she never demands something like a crowded party or cake. Since she is alien to what they call as a friend, she just wants mother and me to stay in the house for the whole day and watch her cartoons in the living room.

This night, mother orders us to go to the living room and watch TV together. Sweet right? I hope it is, but I have a bad feeling about this. We watch a cartoon. Mother and Alska snuggle together into the warm blanket, while I try to distance myself by sitting on the smaller couch. Oh, I wouldn't want to snuggle with a ruthless killer.

"Andra, we have enough space, why don't you come into the blanket," she says.

I glued my eyes to the TV. I can imagine her creepy grin and her sharp eyes staring at me. "No, thanks." I reply short.

"Why not Big Andra? It is warm," adds Alska. I take a deep sigh. I expect Alska to say that, though. I don't have choice either. I sit beside mother and cover myself with the warm blanket. However, I don't feel warm, because there is a cold-blooded murderer snuggles beside me. Mother sits in the center, between Alska and me. It's like trapped with a carnivore.

"Tomorrow is you girls birthday, what do you girls want to do?" mother glances at Alska and me. I keep my silence, while Alska is giggling and start saying magical things like pony, cat, and other things I don't know. But she finally decides her wish.

She wants cake and piñata.

"What kind of cake and piñata?" ask mother. Alska spontaneously say, "I want a piñata like in mom's fridge!"

I open my eyes and glance immediately. Of course I'm shocked, she demands a piñata from mother's chamber. She wants a human piñata, which she calls the corpse as a doll and blood as stinging jam. Mother puts her hand on Alska's head and begins stroking it gently. She smiles, "Piñata like in my fridge? The blue-white one or the brown-red one?"

"I want the brown-red one! I haven't seen the brown-red one!" she chirps. I want to stop her for talking and asking other things. Such thing will only bring another fateful death of innocent life. However, before I raise my voice, mother grips my hand with enormous strength.

"How about the cake, do you want it with our red jam?" mother asks again.

"Red jam? No! I want it with sparkles and cat decoration!" Alska happily gives every detail she wants for our birthday. She looks excited to see what will she get tomorrow. Mother's grips got tighter, I feel like my skin will bleed due to her firm grip and piercing nail.

"Okay then, I will make it tomorrow. You can sleep now, Alska," says mother, much to her protest. However, Alska is giggling when she goes to her room. She is excited and definitely eager to what she will get tomorrow. Not like me.

I try to move from the blanket, but mother hand is still sternly holding me, no, prevents me from escaping. She delivers her usual malicious grin to me. Being this close to a scary, ruthless murderer makes my blood runs cold. She giggles like Alska, but her sickening behavior makes it ten times scarier. "You'll help me for the birthday tomorrow."

"Can you just give her some normal gift, and usual piñata?" I build a reason to escape. But mother won't buy any reason.

"I know. We can kill a beggar on the street," she says. I shake my head. "We—we just need to use your corpse inside the chamber," I reject her idea. Please, anything but death for the countless times.

"Andra, didn't you hear what your sister wants? A newly dead corpse… I mean, piñata," she says undoubtedly. Mother is also excited, just like Alska, but with ill intention. "No, please no," I struggle, swinging my hand as hard as I can, so mother will release her grip. She does release my hand after few visible scars of piercing nails make my skin bleeds. I hold my wound and quickly take first aid box to treat it.

Mother sits still on the couch. She licks blood in her nail. "We shall prepare now, I'll take my knife and some other things," she stands up. Before she takes her equipment, she observes me for a second. "Use a hoodie, we don't want to get noticed."

I wear my hoodie, then follow mother to the car. It's near midnight. We depart with mother's car and going to a place alien to me. She throws a bag to me. The same bag that she gave before she murdered Mrs. Dowle and her son. It's not raining, but the sky is cloudy. Everything is just like at that time when I accompanied her to her malicious murder spree in the blue house.

We stop at an empty park. I see only one or two people seen crossing by. Mother parks the car in a dark alleyway. She pushes me out from the car and drags me into the park. I see nothing, even a beggar doesn't seem to sleep around here. It looks like an abandoned park with tall bushes grows everywhere.

"I'll show you how to have fun, Andra," she says. My body shivered. Fun? What's the fun with killing people? They have family, hopes, and someone they loved. She thinks taking all of those from a person will be fun.

We hide behind the bushes. When I ask what will she do, she just shut me up and tells me to follow her. After one hour waiting, I hear the voices of two people, a profound, drunk voice and flirtatious voice. They say embarrassing things without consent. I can see their silhouettes sitting on the bench. Though, it's dim, I can see that the man and woman were having sex in this abandoned park.

Mother already takes the knife from her bag. She wears the mask like a robber. She starts moving closer to them, skillfully sneaking behind their bench. They don't realize her presence because they're drugged with dangerous fun. I don't follow her, even though she said I must. I just see her stabbing the man's neck and repeatedly stabbing his chest from behind.

The woman freaked out, she tries to scream, but mother spontaneously closes her mouth and slam her to the ground. The woman begins to struggle, but mother pins her with a knife on the neck, only one slash to end her. Mother still clutches the woman's mouth with her bloody hand. She then calls me to go out from my hiding. I wear my mask and approach them.

The man died with few stabs in the chest and neck, while the woman looks at me with the same terrified eyes. She doesn't scream anymore, but whimpers, while her body is sweating horribly. I understand how normal people will be if they're put in this situation. Being pinned by murderers and ambushed like a rat.

"Let me ask you something," mother starts talking. She presses the knife deeper into her skin, "Are you his wife?"

"N—no! He is just a costumer, I swear!" she replies. She whimpers every time she feels the cold tip of the knife on her neck.

"Costumer? What are you? A whore?" asks mother again. She seems angry. The woman screams when mother presses the tip of the knife deeper until there is a drop of blood coming out of her skin. "Y—yes I am!"

"This guy is just a cheater, after all. He must've been fucking a whore because he is bored with his wife," says mother, spiteful. She spits on the man's face.

"P—please, let me go. I—I can give you my money, please," I look at this woman. She is half naked, with thick make-up and weird set of clothes. Her hair is a mess, probably because that man played with her hair so much. Mother doesn't seem to buy her reason, she smiles and giggling like a madwoman. "I—I have kids, please, they can't live without me. They don't have anyone except me!" `

"Ohh… you have kids," says mother sarcastically. "Yes—Yes! I have two daughters, one will go to university, and one is still six years old."

"Why does it matter if I kill you? Where's your husband?"

"He… left us. He left us when I'm pregnant for my second child," she says. It hit me hard in the heart. Why does it sound so familiar, her story and all of the things, it's all too familiar. She has the same story as mother. But better, since she doesn't go into madness and starting a murder spree.

"You do all of this because you need to feed your family, huh?" mother asks again. She starts weakening, and her knife isn't as close as before.

"I—I need to feed my child. I can't do anything other than this. Please, please let me go! I promise my little daughter to go back safely." The woman starts tearing. She cries and whimpers at the same time. I start shaking. I suddenly have this feeling of fear and pity. She doesn't deserve all of this. And she doesn't deserve to die here.

"M—mother, please…"

"Silence, Andra!" I immediately close my mouth. She startled me, I've never seen mother with such emotion for years. "You know how despicable your job is, right? You are paid to fuck with those evil men," mother suppresses her weird emotion. I can clearly state that.

"I don't have a choice. I need money to feed my child, and I love them…"

Mother seems to be concerned as I see a weird expression of anger and pity in her face. She suddenly presses the tip of the knife again. The woman squeaks like a rat. "Do your daughters know about this?"

"They don't! They don't! Please, I won't tell anyone, please, oh god!"

I want to stop mother for doing it any further, and then I let this woman run. But I know how much trouble I will get just for doing that alone. I lock my fingers together, so there won't be any stupid act from my pity.

"Give me your wallet," demands mother surprisingly. The woman immediately raises her wallet. With her right hand, mother takes her identity card. She then throws the wallet back to her victim. "Leah Gardner," after she reads her name, mother puts her knife back to her pocket and making a distance between her and Leah. "I know your name, your address, and anything. If you report this, you will bathe in your kids' blood. Now go."

Leah is startled, but she takes her wallet and runs aimlessly. I look at mother, she grins, but I don't see her usual evil grin. I can't describe it.

"Why did you let her run?" I ask.

"Isn't that what you want? You pathetic weakling." She answers ruthlessly.

Mother starts taking few tools from her bag. She uses her gloves and starts hacking her victim's leg on the bench. I immediately turn away from that gross scenery. "You can do it at home…" I say. She laughs it out, "This fat pig is too heavy for us to carry. I don't need his legs and arms anyway."

I wait for about two hours before she throws the arms and legs to the bushes behind the bench. She puts the corpse she needed in a big sack. She orders me to follow her, while she drags the corpse to our car. She places the corpse in the trunk, and we drive away from the crime scene. I'm scared and disgusted, but I will admit that mother is very skillful and know how not to get caught by the law. She is composed about her action.

We don't stop at the house as soon as possible. Mother stops at the 24/7 shop nearby. It's a big supermarket that opens, well, as the name suggest. She steadily walks out of the car and going inside the supermarket. She told me to guard inside the car. Who knows there might be a cop who can identify the body inside the trunk, though, it is unlikely.

She is back with a big, and surprisingly regular cake with pinkish decoration on it. It does sparkles, and mother already bought some cat decoration for the cake later. She bought two gifts, which have been nicely wrapped with cute wrapping papers. I don't utter a single word for the whole night. I just want all of this to end so I can sleep peacefully, riding a fluffy cloud in my dream.

It is three in the morning already. Mother is still all fired up. I sit on the couch due to exhaustion. While I do nothing this night, other than watching everything like a statue, it's mentally exhausting. Mother drags the corpse to her chamber. I just watch her going inside her chamber, but then, she called me from her chamber. "Andra, come inside."

I squint at the chamber door. I hope it's just my ear that plays tricks with me. "Andra!" I hear her impatiently calling me. I move my feet anxiously. I've seen her chamber on some occasion. It's dark, with horribly mutilated bodies hanged after all of their blood had been drained. They look like bunch of ugly mannequins.

The freezing atmosphere numbs my body, and the corpse doesn't have a strong odor because it is all frozen, but it emits fear, a strong sense of fear that roots my feet to the ground. Mother is busy with the corpse. I turn away to prevent my eyes getting dirtier from her activity. She shouts at me to look at it, or she would kill me.

I look at it with unblinking eyes. Mother stabs him in the liver. She rips the man's stomach in half. Mother with a smile on her face, pulling out all his intestines, liver, kidneys until his belly is just a big, empty space. She takes out her bag full of candies, I mean, she bought so many candy packs with various color. She puts all candies inside his stomach (which still has pool of blood inside it) and gently closes it.

"Bring me my sewing tool, inside my drawer," she orders me. I obediently accept and exiting her chamber. Oh god, I don't know what will she do with the sewing tool, but at least I can escape that chamber. She did everything easily, like when she does her job as a surgeon, but more violent and ill intended.

Mother doesn't lock her room. I enter her room and immediately smell a strong perfume all over the place. It's tidy and looks like a nice, ordinary room. I almost forget who resides in this room. She has her make up desk filled with cosmetics I never know. I notice a distinguishable photo inside a frame. She only has this photo on her desk. It's the picture of her child, Alska and me. I stood beside Alska, while she hugged her favorite doll, Mrs. Branna. Alska looked jubilant, with bright smile and all. In contrary, I look… just like me, gloomy with no smile attached. Strange, she keeps our photo. If it were only Alska in the frame, it wouldn't surprise me at all, though.

Anyway, I pick up the sewing tool she asked. I rush when I hear her calling me again. When I go back inside her chamber, she already smeared the 'piñata' with blood, the combination of blood and the dead body make a mixture of red and brown, just like what Alska wanted. She sews the ripped stomach tightly so that it can hold the candies and blood inside it.

I know that I should prevent Alska from seeing a weird shit mother does. But she wants it, and mother looks very excited. I… I just can't deny Alska's request of piñata, even though it is a bloody piñata, but she wants it. When I help mother for hanging this corpse as a piñata, I'm thinking about killing mother, there are few chances during this night to simply kill mother. I can end my suffering by killing her and stop her madness. Then, I remember about Alska. She needs mother more than me. She needs a mother that gives her love and warmth, even though it's just fake warmth that scorches you slowly.

'Is this okay for Alska?' that question keeps popping in my head. If I can change this piñata with the normal one, then I will, because this is totally not okay. Mother will be extremely mad, though, so does Alska. The dilemma engulfs me, forcing me just to do everything mother said. Or else, a bad omen for Alska and me will be inevitable.

After the piñata is ready, mother takes a long knife from the storage and sticks it with a plank, then she wraps it in a ribbon "What's that for?" I ask. She chuckles, "It is for the piñata, do you think Alska and you can slice that corpse without a knife?"

Mother takes out the cake she bought earlier from the freezer. She decorates it with glitters and a little cat figure on top of it. I inspect the cake from behind, observing any suspicious ingredients that might be added by mother. Well, it is just a regular cake, just like what my sister wants.

I don't get any sleep, since it's already six in the morning, and I can hear noise from Alska's room. Alska comes out from her room still with her pajama. She screams with excitement when she sees the decoration we put before. I smile a little when I see glitters in her eyes. She looks truly happy with this horrible party.

She hugs mother and me and kisses our cheeks. My smile only gets wider when she say 'thank you' and 'I love you.' Mother guides her to the cake. Again, Alska screams out of excitement, she loves the cat decoration.

We put cone hat for the party and singing happy birthday together (I don't do it actually). Mother lights the candles and ask us to blow the candle. She sings a happy birthday song nicely, surprisingly with no twist in it. If only she's not that crazy, and the party is more human, I would believe that I'm in heaven with my sister.

"What's your wish?" asks mother.

"I wish mom and Big Andra and Alska will always be happy together!" she replies excitedly.

We blow the candle and share the cake. Alska gives me a spoonful of cake. I look at her face and mother's face simultaneously and then eat the cake. This is a real cake, with no other weird shit in it. I also give Alska a spoonful of cake. Alska happily shares the cake with mother, they smile and laugh, there is a warm feeling surging in my body.

"Big Andra! This is your gift!" Alska hands me her drawing, a doodle of a woman with green eyes and messy ginger hair. But she writes a big 'BIG ANDRA' with big pink love, which makes it special. I accept it with gratitude. "Where's my gift, Big Andra?"

"I will give it to you later, it is not ready yet," I say. She is disappointed, but her disappointment vanishes when mother gives both of us our birthday gift. Alska impatiently tears the wrapping and immediately plays with her new dolls. Mother bought a set of kitten doll for her. I look at my small gift from her, though, I'm not sure whether I should open it or not, Alska looks at me with anticipation.

I open mother's gift for me. There is a ceramic box, but it is locked. "I will give the key after you're able to fulfill my wish," I look at her, confused and scared at the same time. She smirks, and her voice becomes deeper, and the unsettling aura she usually has starts surfacing again.

"What's inside? I want to see!" says Alska curious. I pat her head and give a forced smile. "We will see it later."

Alska grumbles but I shift her focus to the piñata. Some blood from its stomach already dripped to the ground. "Piñata! Come on Big Andra! I want to get candies!" Alska pulls my hand excitedly. Mother let a mysterious smile decorating her face when Alska doesn't pay attention to her. I hold the plank with a knife attached on top of it. Alska and I hold it together and focusing our aim to the piñata. Few drops of blood fall on my face, I look down upon my sister, she is excited, not a single fear or disgust in her eyes.

If my sister is happy, then I should…

I stab the piñata deep within its stomach. Alska and I slice the piñata open, and a red liquid rain down upon us. I close my eyes when I feel the weird cold sensation of blood and candies fall to my face. I can only hear Alska's laugh when open her mouth to taste the blood candy. The awful smell of blood and flesh makes me want to puke, but I hold it for Alska because it's her time to have fun. When I wiped the blood on my face, I see mother smiling with pride and satisfaction.

She claps and congratulates Alska and me for our birthday party. We are covered in disgusting blood and red candies scattered around our feet. Mother ends the birthday party with a hug to Alska. Mother doesn't even care about the stinging blood, in fact, she happily kisses her forehead.

I go to my room and take a bath immediately. The water washes my body and turns to reddish color when it streaming down to the drain. I don't feel extremely disgusted as I used to, but it feels empty. Even though I'm able to fulfill my sister's birthday with happiness she wanted, it only makes me empty.

'What is this…'

I look at mother's gift. I can just smash it to the ground, and it will be destroyed. Who knows what's inside? It might be a bomb or something that will kill me in an instant. I too, curious about it, maybe it's something that I want, like a new phone. And what's with her so-called wish? She is acting weird today.

I mean, mother is unusually weird, she doesn't seem to be as evil as she used to. She didn't kill that woman who could be a fatal witness of her murder spree. Honestly, I don't know what in earth actually happened today. Everything is just like a hazy dream.

I look at the kitten, which sleeps in her cage.

'I hope it is just a dream, Diana.'