14 OutBurst

Hey Diary…

Today's Wednesday, August 10th, 2022.

At the moment, I've realized... I fucked up.

I'd been keeping my distance from Anastasia. I'm scared shitless that if I do anything rash, I will end up ruining her mood or make her hate me even more. I didn't want any of that.

After school and all that PDAs, I excused myself and either gone to the library or the gym. Whenever I was home, I busy myself working in my room, on weekends, and returning home past midnight.

Not gonna lie.

I knew I was running -making up shitty excuses- but work had been hectic, and files kept on piling up on my desk that it urges me to shred it up first. Anastasia seemed to not care and looked fine.

By now, she should have gone to sleep. To my demise, when I came home an hour after midnight, Anastasia was there standing. Apparently, she wanted to have a conversation with me, so she waited. Work had drained my strength; my brain kept saying 'you unloving owner, go fucking sleep,' and I didn't want her to see me at my worst. Though I told her it could wait when the two of us were both free, I'm pretty sure mine wouldn't be open anytime soon.

Saturday, August 20th, 2022. 9:00am

Good morning. So very sorry that I was not able to update you on my life recently. But…

Could someone please stop Anastasia from pestering me? She kept on following me for the past 10 days, almost like a stalker. Though I appreciated her patience and undisturbing me from my shits, I couldn't fucking let my guard down!

Let me take a breather! No matter how I love to have your company, it's suffocating.

I wanted to seriously write and be left alone to recharge. I worry about Anastasia as well. She hadn't been hanging out with her friends lately, and that professor...

I managed to get some peace and quiet when Anastasia was invited to some gatherings with her family. They said it was 'family' only, not sure what that really meant. Just one more file to work on, and I was home free.

3:00pm.

Just when I was about to scream because of some cliffhangers and trolls from my favourite authors, Anastasia had texted me to pick her up at 4:00pm. That's an hour from now… and her family gathering was what, more than five hours away? Did she want me to take a jet there? I was in for a deep shit...

3:45pm.

I had got to get one of these shits. Though that took me like less than 30 minutes to arrive at the destination, it took lots of time to look for the right jet! It would only take another fifteen or so minute for me to drive to her parents' house.

Yup, my guts were right.

And to my disappointment, I now realized Anastasia texted me drunk and made a bet that I would be here on time or earlier than that.

I now realized I fuckup up once again.

Damn me for having a personality that hates being late! I saw the look on Anastasia's 'family,' all dumbfounded. I was too flustered to even stay a minute longer, I took Anastasia by the hand and left the scene.

Hours later, Anastasia had sobered up a bit. What a mess she was right now. Where was the girl who's always tidy and cheerful? Now she's all grumpy and dirty, it amused me.

We really didn't really talk when she fully sobered up, but I think things got a little better. Maybe an uncanny day was just what we needed to crack some tension between us. However, it's still far from being okay. This indescribable urge, God knows what arose through me. Frustration, fear and fury all wanted to splurge after I tended Anastasia and immediately went to my room. I screamed at the top of lungs, I destroyed whatever's in eyesight, I started to scratch and cut myself.

I broke.

The emotional pain was too overwhelming; I wanted to feel the pain. I had no idea what the reason had made me become this way. Afraid of what I would do next, I did what I thought was best, I pulled away.

.

.

.

Anastasia attempted to make amends. She didn't have to make an effort into it. I told her that everything was fine and that it's how relationships work even if it was a contract and a pretend. Both of us know it wasn't an act, but I didn't know how to word it at that time.

Writing was so much better, even if there were many grammatic errors and vagueness to it. Plus, I could always correct it later. Unlike talking to people having a limited time to think of a reply, then regret it afterwards. Writing gave me more time to think before I write anything down.

Thursday, September 1st, 2022. 10:00am

It had been three months since Anastasia and I signed the contract. Why was she trying so hard? Why even bother when it's only for the public and not 'us.' And why did she reminds me of someone I read from a comic I once read?

Fuck, I hated this. I wanted – I needed Anastasia to stop trying to get close. I don't dislike any of it, but the fact that I thought of the possibility of me opening up was what scared me. I was afraid I would make her hate me and walk away. It's been a long time since I got this close to someone, not even with Alexie. I didn't have to fear being judged with Alexie, but I wasn't ready to be vulnerable to just anyone. I didn't really know if I ever would.

I, the fact that she was concerned and tried to help, appreciate it. Not sure if that's the right word for this feeling, but my heart would ache, as if someone was breaking it with a hammer and turning it into bits of pieces like my heart was made of glass, whenever I saw her cry - it would hurt more when I'm the cause of her distress…

I knew I had liked her even before we had gone out. However, the more I got to know her. Her favourites, dislikes, humour, justice, love, and determination, never giving up on what she started.

It made scoffed at how careless I got with what used to be a credulous feeling.

.

.

.

Today, I felt out of sort. Anastasia had finally pushed me on edge this morning, and I was at utter loss…

Five hours ago, I woke up. I had only four hours of sleep today, and I didn't want to see nor speak with anyone else.

Thus decided to stay home.

I went to the kitchen preparing food for the day, knowing full well that Anastasia's room was next to mine sleeping, I had to stay really quiet. Anastasia's perception could be susceptible, unlike mine, who's close to actually having hearing aids - scratch that, I wear them.

I was hoping for a time in the main kitchen on the second floor alone, but to my demise, I found Anastasia in the kitchen sleeping on the table. Documents were spread all over the table, and damn that one pile was tall. I took a peek at it; it was almost complete, though she only started a few hours ago.

Hard worker. That she was...

I took a blanket from the nearest room to place it over Anastasia's shoulders and helped her finish up her with the documents. I was surprised she didn't wake up from all the noise.

Apparently, work noises don't really wake her up; however, other sounds such as voices and other noises do. A sneeze woke her up. Sneezing in the morning was a routine of mine to start the day if dearest Diary would like to know.

I told her that she should go to bed now while I prepare breakfast for later because I would be taking a day off from school to work. It's urgent. Anastasia hadn't bought the lie, resulted in me being very confused. Anastasia usually just accepts it and leave even when she knew it was a lie.

What made this day different than any other I had made that same excuse?

What made this day for you to finally take action and tell me I have broken the rules of our contract, not to tell lies?

She just had to say to me today of all days.

But what made her really pushed me on edge was when she hit one of my many sensitive nerves…

It made my blood boil hot, and I couldn't restrain my retort, "Why bother on such trivial matters!?" I said, "Isn't enough that we're already a couple, made by contract, and got what you wanted from it?! The people, your family, your friends to believe your 'fake' outing and to avoid all that marriage bullshit. Isn't that what this is all about? Again, why on earth do you bother? What else do you want, dammit?" I didn't want to cry. Damnit, I'm one sensitive person, and that's already depressing.

I didn't expect a response. I just wanted to run from the scene as soon as I could, and just as I was about to leave, Anastasia blocked my way and yelled, "Because I am in love with you." Anastasia, loving me? Bullshit.