13 May 29, 2022

Sorry to cut your excitement if you had any…

Athy's confession surprised me quite a bit. To think that she would go up to me and ask if we could fake a relationship for at least six months. That's not even the slightest bit 'least,' in my opinion.

I mean, I would've accepted a week or three months, but six months wasn't something I could easily pull off. Well… who would refuse such a lady - it doesn't matter really. I would have accepted anyone. Possibly because of my desperate need to be needed or saved. It was not an easy task, but I could handle it. I'm used to the social pressure, plus acting and lying are my best specialties.

And who'd have thought that Athy could just 'buy' me off with money… What did I expect from a rich girl? I must have been retarded enough to believe that someone like her actually liked me. Offering me of what seemed to be a reasonable price because six months was a pretty damn long contract.

I didn't need it. I didn't refuse it either. I acted nonchalant about it, and before, it seems like a good idea to try this relationship out because, in case you had forgotten, I liked Athy. If this didn't work, we just needed a good reason to break up in public, and everything would be alright. I hope.

I saw Athy's face, the look of relief and disappointment. Disappointment? Because she thinks I was all about money when I had plenty enough to buy me a whole country? Or because she should have asked someone better if the result had been this easy? Whatever it was, I couldn't care less (not true at all). I was not the type of person who judges someone without actually trying to know them first nor a person to make an effort on everything unless needed or asked by someone close or significant. But I was a person who overthinks thoughts often hurts.

Life hates me, and I hate life. What a balanced life. After Athy and I conversed, I made an excuse to stop more stressful words from Athy's mouth. Not when my brain was currently at war, I wanted to enjoy the rest of the night. I suggested to meet her after school at her place - why I would never her let in my apartment – and discuss it then.

And just so we're clear, when Quinn entered my apartment, I made her stand there in the halls. Yes, we fucking stood there for more than thirty minutes. God, why did I had this urge to explain!?

May 30th, 2022. Monday.

When school was over, finally, a flashback from yesterday night shot me dead on the head.

I completely forgot what happened yesterday until school finished… I wanted to go to the gym today, too. Athy texted me (she gave her number last night) to come to her house at the given address. I didn't think it would be a house (a mansion for a matter of fact), though. It took half an hour drive to her house; it was more of a three-story estate if you asked me, and ring the doorbell.

We talked. Athy explained that she needed this relationship for 'protection' and 'fake outing' – what did that even mean? Albeit, I was curious, "why me," I hesitated and didn't bother to ask or need an explanation any further.

She said that being in a relationship is new to her. Well, young lady, we're on the same fucking boat, not that you needed to know. I could always use 'if I were that boy or girl, I would've said this or done that to my partner,' reference or anything I've read or watched that got stuck in my head.

We made rules. We were going to declare it to the public. Become those disgusting PDA couple, from time to time. No keeping secrets with each other (I have this one tiny bit of problem, but are there any fake relationships who have that rule?) She said I could be myself and treat her how I cared for my 'exes.' We must keep each other company most of the time (meaning we lived together). However, when other things like meeting with friends or company work problems (her parents' work) were an exception to reason separation. After it's all over, we had the option to stay together or leave. Suggesting we didn't act like a couple, but become an actual couple.

I liked all her ideas except. Sadly, either consciously or subconsciously, I would no doubt break the secrecy part quite often.

June 4th, 2022. Saturday.

…The whole moving was a pain in the ass. I had to stop Athy offering me help or coming over to my apartment somehow.

Wanted a reason why I absolutely hated the idea of her coming to my apartment? Simply because my whole apartment was filled my geeky posters and action figures, erotic articles, books, and many embarrassing things that I wouldn't show to just anyone, especially my' girlfriend.' In lieu of Athy's help, I had Alexie to help me with my belonging since she effortlessly figured it out my big secret – she didn't even let me had the chance to hide it. It made me wonder how long I had before Alexie found out my darkest past. It made me wonder when she'd read this atrocious Diary of mine… Not that long, that's for sure.

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I could still remember the vast uproar of the whole class and media after Athy announced our 'relationship' to everyone, including her parents. My brother-in-law called to congratulate me, Alexia was overjoyed, and Quinn simply smiled and mouth 'congrats' at me. That certainly and officially was a weird and tiring day. Though I couldn't care less. I couldn't. Not when my life was already fucked up, more couldn't possibly make it worse nor enjoyable.

At 'home,' Athy respected my privacy inside my office room. It used to be an empty room until I decided to occupy it and claimed it as my office to do work and write to dear you, but mostly because I immediately discovered a secret space fit for most of my 'personal belongings.' However, why in the world would a mansion like this fucking had this? Possibly some old perverted geezer lived here once because I found out there are two more.

A small bathroom with a shitty hole to peek at the main bathroom to spy on his lovely wife and daughters taking a bath.

A dim red room that screams BDSM. Seemed to be soundproof too. The previous owner likely wanted some quality time with his wife or a loud affair; no one could hear them…

WHY ON EARTH WAS I THINKING OF SUCH THINGS!? Perhaps I read too many erotic books that could do me wonders and made me be like a perverted geezer. Okay, now I was insulting myself.

Soon after I left the secret room, Athy and Alexie looked at me with concern when they noticed my cheeks were slightly red but made no further comments when I said it was the summer heat acting up.

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I filled my 'main' office with bookshelves stocked with educational books, novels, a complete set of comics about 'One Piece.' Thus a space for my working pc and laptop. I'd put a gaming pc in the soundproof room, it was a perfect room for playing games, and it could make me forget of the thought I had a moment ago.

June 15th, 2022. Wednesday.

Hey Diary,

I missed writing to you. Been busy with the people…

A week and a half passed by, and I learned that Anastasia was born in France. However, they moved to England after she was born. It made me wonder how she got her accents for a while now. I thought she was born in London, or somewhere near with British accents, or her parents were from England (though that couldn't be right, her last name's Francios) or maybe she was surrounded by those accents when she was a child. Now I knew the reason why she had that British accent. I knew that I thought it way too much, but I loved their accents. Who wouldn't endear it, and why in the world would they hate it?

Well, I certainly did fell in love with their accents first I heard it. I found them very appealing. Albeit, my heart melts when I listen to them, I just nodded them off and pretended I understood when I couldn't comprehend what they're saying most of the time. I was not that lazy; I was learning through Anastasia and my brother-in-law (he lived in before London.)

As I was learning more about the current situation and more reasons why Anastasia did what she did, I was beginning to worry. Well, I was and still am anxious and stressed about everything. Ugh, it's hard to explain even when I write. English could be so dull, expressionless, and vague most of the time. It's hard to express these feelings or anything at all.

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I was cooped in my office for a while now. Man, I'd taken a liking in this room. Anastasia had been itching to come in these past few days because I never seem to leave and wondered what's so good about my office. I almost gave in to those puppy dog eyes of hers and that fucking lovely accent. Actually, I already let her in. Damn, her cuteness and her accent. Though I earned that cuteness could end all wars, cuteness could also start a fight and get away with anything. That made me remember when I watched One Piece, where a character named Hancock Boa, where she could get everything and get away through anything. Hancock reasons with, "Because I'm beautiful!" That made me laugh. I received a curious look at Anastasia, who was reading whatever was at the shelf, sitting behind there. Fuck, I had forgotten that Anastasia was with me!

Phew, I safely escape from an almost disastrous event!

July 1st, 2022. Friday.

Happy one month to me with Athy… not that she would care. I'd been calling her these past two weeks, and she seemed to like the pet name I'd given her. But what's up with my heart skipping a beat when I saw Athy smiled as she heard the word? It's too damn cliché for fuck sake… but without her, I wouldn't be here. I couldn't wait for this to be over.

July 20th, 2022. Wednesday,

Why did our contract had to be so long? Was this just an experiment? A play? Protection? Punishment? It didn't matter. At least someone was having fun. Right? I'd only be here until I graduate and be satisfied when everything became stable with my sister and the company.

Hey, Diary, what do you think will happen to them afterwards? Would the company crumble? I knew some would cry, but it'd only last for a few days. Everything I did was a nuisance anyway. By the way, this was me when left alone and wasted, doing nothing but wasting energy thinking about trivial things.

I may act perfectly okay – but that was just to avoid false concern and pity from others. There was never a time that I was perfectly OK. In fact, it's when I make myself distracted and out of my toxic thoughts when I look okay. I hated it when I disturbed, hurt, made a mistake, made someone annoyed, and people misunderstood my intention. I hated it when my flaws (that I already knew) were being criticized and corrected; it really hits my nerves and triggers my toxic thoughts in full power. I hated that I had many weaknesses and didn't have anyone to vent to and not be judged and not surprised.

Athy had gotten mad at me for being insensitive and uncaring. I wanted to assure her that it wasn't it, although it made me think that maybe she's right. No, she's right. I was selfish, uncaring and insensitive. But I didn't want her to feel that way. I just didn't know how without making the situation worse, much, much worse.

There, my toxic thoughts showed up again, saying that I'd only make it worse. I had no right to defend myself. At least Athy was safe and out of harm. It's better if our relationship remained this way. I quickly accepted that it was all me and that I was the villain(am I not?). Now, I still regretted the words I had said and not said. I should just shut up now…