6 Chapter 5 - To Live (Part 1)

"I'M REALLY glad that you agreed to the treatment Lancey."

Cristine saw Lancey nodding while staring at nothing in particular. She looked at her bestfriend and her face showed a complicated expression.

She was happy because Lancey agreed to the treatment but seeing her bestfriend like this made her extremely stressed out.

She stared at the woman who is just sitting on the hospital bed motionless. The woman is has no expression. Her skin and lips is so pale that Cristine worries if blood is still circulating her body. But the biggest change she saw is the look on the woman's eyes. Its light gone. The brilliance she saw the first time they met is nowhere to be found. It is so lifeless like a dead fish that Cristine felt that she wasn't looking at her bestfriend but instead to a lifeless mannequin.

Cristine can't take it anymore and was about to speak anywords that can comfort Lancey but she stopped herself. She knows that there is nothing in this world that can comfort a person who have lost any hope. She doesn't want to repeat the words she loathed hearing when she was depressed. She knows that empty words only aggraviate a person's heart.

She herself hated those when she was at her lowest point of life. What do they know? They wouldn't understand because they haven't experienced it. Easier said than done. Such was the things on her mind when she heard those comforting words. But now, she realized that those words really are the only thing one can think of in this situation.

A sigh came out from her mouth. Words is not enough to help her bestfriend. She needed to take action. Even the smallest things can help. One step at a time. And she believed that this treatment is the first step.

"I'll leave first. I have something to do." She then started to leave but suddenly turned around and hugged Lancey. "I love you. Don't ever forget that."

Cristine ran around the hospital. She was doing all the necessary work and preparing all the things that is needed for Lancey's recovery.

At the end of the day, exhaution is clearly seen on her beautiful face. Her husband already called her to inquire when she'll get home. Their son is already looking for her.

She decided to call it a day and go home. But before leaving, she first wanted to say goodbye to Lancey and assure the latter that she'll be back tomorrow.

What she didn't expect is to see Lancey crying silently while holding her chest.

Cristine hide behind the door as she felt her heart broke because of what she have seen. Her tears rolled down her cheeks simultaneously to the woman's tears inside the room.

She closed her eyes while hearing the sound of her bestfriend's suppressed scream.

She abruptly opened her eyes. A fire beneath is raging like a storm. A determined face was seen on Cristine.

She will definitely help her bestfriend, no matter what.

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Lancey opened her eyes and saw the white ceiling of her room. She can feel a pulsing headache building up. Her body felt heavy and tired out. Her eyes is red and puffy from crying.

She must've fallen asleep after losing herself and broke down yet again for the nth time.

She surveyed her surrounding and saw a note and plastic container on the bedside table. She looked at it first thinking what was possibly inside, she then grabbed the note and read it. She saw Cristine's handwriting.

"I came but you're fast asleep. I already settled the things for your therapy. The doctor said that they will immediately begin starting tomorrow. I'll be leaving first but I'll come again tomorrow. You can't back down on your word okay? See yah!

P.S. I bought some soup. Don't forget to eat your dinner!

-Cristine"

She set the note aside and look at the plastic container. She doesn't have any appetite even though she can feel her stomach churning from hunger. But she knew that she needed to eat in order to live.

A bitter smile spread across her face. Right. She need to live.

And so she grabbed the container and started shoving the soup in her mouth. The soup is delicious and familiar. She looked at the brand and saw that it was the soup her mother bought everytime she or her little sister is sick.

She remembered how she loved this soup. She remembered how her mother spoon feed her and how she acted spoiled whenever she have a fever.

Lancey suddenly taste a saltiness that wasn't there before. She frowned and then noticed that tears started streaming down her face.

She laughed at herself mockingly. Since when did she become such a crybaby?

She continued eating the soup despite the memories pouring in like rain. Despite the tears rolling down her face. Despite her heart screaming from pain. Despite her brain wanting to shut down. Despite herself craving for death.

Because she needed to live.

This is her punishment.

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Lancey woke up the next morning because of a searing pain she felt on her foot. A burning sensation was felt on it as if it was set ablaze with fire.

Sweat started to accumulate on her forehead and she gritted her teeth trying to overcome it but she couldn't help herself from screaming.

A nurse barge in her room and saw what's happening. The nurse then pressed the emergency button located beneath the bed before pulling on Lancey's arm to stop the latter from pressing on the amputated leg.

Seconds later, a doctor run inside and examined her quickly. It was the same doctor that she saw the first time she woke up.

"Phantom pain." the doctor mumbled. He immediately look at the nurse awaiting his command "Get an Amitriptyline or a painkiller!"

The nurse run out of the room and came back with the said drugs. The doctor already poured a glass of water and help Lancey take the drugs.

The pain didn't immediately go away but after sometime it became tolerable. Lancey's breathing became labored after experiencing such intense pain. She doesn't know what it was. But she felt like her lost limb is back in place and was burning and itchy at the same time. She can't understand how can it happened.

Cristine burst out from the door and run towards Lancey in panic. She came early to discussed the remaining things she needed to do for Lancey's treatment as well as the things she needed to buy and the course of the treatment. But she was shocked when the emergency button for Lancey's room sounded as soon as she was about to talk to the doctor.

She stood like a statue at first because of the shock but immediately followed the doctor when she regained her composure and run towards the room thinking that something bad happened.

Lancey felt so tired and fell into a deep slumber once again when the pain went away. She didn't noticed her bestfriend who came in a panic and was asking her a question.

In her sleep, she dreamt that her family is alive.

Such a shame that dreams is different from reality.

Cristine stared on the tired face her sleeping bestfriend is showing. She looked worried as she decided to ask the doctor of what happened.

"Ms. Arceo experience what we call the phantom pain. It is a post amputation phenomenon usually experienced by the patient. It is a pain that feels like it's coming from a body part that's no longer there. For some the pain can go away on its own, but Lancey's case, she needed to take painkiller or antidepressant to relieve it because what she experience just now is not mild but a severe one."

Cristine frowned upon hearing the situatuon. She was not knowledgeable in this kinds of thing.

"That phantom thing can be treated right? It's not a permanent thing?" She asked worriedly. She can't imagine the thing torturing Lancey for the rest of her life. The desperate scream she heard while running towards the room is still fresh from her memory.

The doctor gave a bitter smile. "I'm sorry, but it don't have any definite treatment. The goal of its medications is to relieve the pain the patient is experiencing."

Cristine's heart sank after hearing the doctor's explanation. She lifted her trembling hands to cover her mouth from shock. Her glistening red eyes look at the sleeping body.

Just...why?

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Her treatment was moved because of what happened. Upon waking up, Cristine explained to her the thing that she experienced in the morning and informed her that the treatment will be moved the next day.

She just nodded her head and started munching on the food. She didn't really care when to start her treatment. She was just going with the flow and didn't care if the treatment will be a success or not. She just wanted to get things over with and live the life of a sinner that she deserve.

She looked at the place where her foot should've been located. She can still feel that it was there even if she can clearly see that it was gone. She can still feel a dull pain but not as extreme as the one she had experienced from before.

Phantom pain huh? She thought.

Maybe what she's feeling for her family right now is the same. They're gone, but she still can't accept it and felt like they are still here. Knowing that something is gone and still wistfully holding on that it wasn't will only hurt you more.

Like a phantom hiding inside of you and breaking you apart piece by piece.

It's scary.

She smiled.

But she deserve it.