7 6. ''THE WALL''

I had completed the punishment with a thousand difficulties, but still half and half. When the instructor saw me like that struggling, it would be incredibly touched on his conscience, he said that my punishment was over at the thirty-fourth push-up and picked me up from the floor.

I could already feel my legs wouldn't stay firm enough to walk tomorrow. Still, I tried my best to not to reflect the pain and suffering I was feeling, on my face. Today I revealed myself weak enough by crying in front of so many people. It was at the very end of the last thing I wanted to be the mockery conversation of the POST soldiers.

I suddenly thought of the uneasy faces of Gece and Evren. Even when I was leaving town, the Leader did not allow me to see them, I did not know exactly whether they were alive or not. The Leader's words echoed in my head.

"We take good care of your family, my daughter."

Although calling me 'my daughter' reminds me of my father, he could never replace my father in my eyes. Not even a close thing.

"I want you to analyze the wall that lies in front of you, soldier."

What about Tan? What was he doing? Could he finish the first training tour as fast as I did? Maybe he got out faster than me and even completed this tour already.

"You'll climb the wall. Unprotected. You said you were not afraid of heights, but there is no way you could not be afraid of it! And the bad news is, you have no choice but to climb, soldier."

I had to make sure that my mother wasn't going into a depression again. She could not just leave Evren, Gece and Kayra to their fate. They were too young to take care of themselves without me.

"You see the flag on the top, don't you? Once you take it, you will slide down by ropeway. There is no safeguard again, of course, you can think both of your hands as it is."

What I was even saying? They could be dead right now. What was my reason for trusting the Leader? I knew it was wrong to trust him inward, but I couldn't live with this fact when I was overwhelmed even thinking they were dead. I think that's why I believed in the Leader.

"I'll be watching you right behind. I don't suggest looking down, you might die if you fall. Well, you might not be die and that would be worse." Shaking my head up and down, I approved of the instructor. I didn't even fully grasp what he was saying and what would be worse. My head was so confused that all thoughts were like the buzz of millions of bees. I couldn't get which one to listen to. Among these, what the senior told, was like the hum of another bee. All I understood was that I had to climb the wall.

I looked through the wall with my eyes, I could say it was about 30 meters. At the end of the wall there was a green, luminous flag. Next to the flag, there was ropeway. A long rope was stretched and I could not see the end.

"Can I start?" I said calmly. After I hugged Tan in the Leader's shed and cried too much, I felt like my nerves were taken. I was approaching everything calmly.

The senior which was also call him as my instructor, gived out his hand and, "The show is yours." he said while stood back. I was taking deep breaths as he took his place. I had no choice but to complete this. I had to do it for my family; my mom, Gece and Evren, even Kayra...

After I got close to the wall, I grabbed the part I saw solid and took my first step. It was hollowed out to make it climbable. Even it looked firm, on my first move I saw a few small stones fall to the ground. Still, I didn't let that bother me and set out for my other move.

I was getting higher and higher, but following the advice the instructor gave me, I wasn't looking down at all costs. I did not know if there was anyone other than me in the hall, it was so quiet, I wasn't sure that even the senior was there anymore. I continued climbing, forgetting everything.

My heart rhythms was unstable, my lips were dry and my legs were getting more and more sluggish. Although sometimes I felt like giving up and letting go of my hands, at that moment the faces of my siblings came to my mind and I kept climbing.

Suppressing my inner urge to look down, I took a deep breath and continued. I wanted to rest, but how reasonable was it to just stand on a wall without protection?

Without a break, I was crossing the hollows one at a time and rising even higher.

I looked up at the flag waiting for me. There was a distance of 10-15 meters between us. Now, I wanted to take the flag and go down by ropeway as soon as possible. I pushed myself up again with my last strength and quickly closed the remaining distance.

The flag now stood right in front of me.

It was so incredible that I wanted to hug the flag and plunge into eternity. I reached quickly and grabbed the green rag.

Hurriedly took the flag between my teeth so as not to lose my hand support.

Now it was the turn of ropeway.

This time, on the wall, I started to go sideways but not up, to reach the ropeway on my right. It was a bit more dangerous to move like that than I just did.

The place where I needed to hold on to the ropeway was right next to me. I tried to reach with my right hand, but it didn't work. Since I had a flag in my mouth, my breathing was faster than before.

I tried to calm down and reached it once more.

But my second attempt was also in vain. The handle was too far from me to hold.

I put my hand hardly in the groove of the wall. I had something else to do on my mind, but even considering the danger it posed, made me sweat in cold on my back. But I had no other choice, and if I couldn't hold onto there, I would fall down sooner or later. At least if I'm going to fall, I'd rather have it happen while I try.

I loosened my clenched hands and looked at the handle.

It was the time now.

I took my hands completely off the wall and turned my body towards the handle of the ropeway in the air. The handle I was trying to hold with my left hand, defiantly, did not accept me and my hand slipped. I had thrown my right hand with a sudden movement. At that moment, it was as if I wasn't in the control of my body. I felt like I was being led by someone else.

When I realized I was hanging on the ropeway with one arm, I was sliding down with applause. When did all these soldiers came?

The moment I lived was felt like a dream to me. I kept slipping between surprise and fear with the green flag in my mouth still. I couldn't let it go because I felt like it was entrusted to me.

When I got to the end of the ropeway, I let go of my hand and jumped as there was only a short distance left. I was surprised that I was able to survive after all this. I took the flag I held in my mouth between my hands and folded it in my palm. The instructor was moving towards me, accompanied by the shouts and whistles of the soldiers. Everyone was applauding madly. It was as if no one had entertained them for years, but their fun was like fighting for my life up.

That's what they loved to see.

The instructor held out his hand and pretended to ask me to hand the flag to him. "Congratulations."

His voice reminded me of the bees in my brain. He seemed to buzz, and he wasn't the onyl one that buzzing. The voice of the soldiers in the hall momentarily turned to buzz.

Surroundings had lost their colors, everything turned gray. I no longer wanted to hear the buzz of bees that felt like they were going to explode my ear.

I covered my ears with my hands, but the sound did not stop. I saw a familiar face running towards me. I was spilled, "Tan." with my numb lips. Was it Tan who hugged me?

Everyone and everything had lost their colors and breaths. I closed my eyes with the buzzing sounds.