1 S I L E N C E

BELLONA

Its in all of us that no matter how we are, where we are, we always want to live another day, another minute. Whether it’s for saying goodbye to a loved one, or taking last breath thinking that you are going to leave this World. The thought of death fears us, the thought of what comes next, the thought of leaving your loved ones, the thought of closing your eyes and never seeing anything but only darkness. But this nature sometimes dies when you are in pain, you have no reason to live, no one to see or smile to, no one to live for. When life gives you immense pain, the thought of living vanishes from your life. You forget to thank and start complaining, you forget that your life is beautiful.

And I was one of those people.

The winter air made me shiver, night had fallen and I could hear the hoots, I stood there with arms wrapped around my chest. Trying to prevent the cold air, an eerie silence was hung up in the air. As scary as this night was, it didn't scared me. Standing there tears rolled down my cheeks, I didn't bother to wipe them. I was becoming a person I dreaded, moving towards a slow inevitable death. I moved my hands putting them on the cold steel railing, finally glancing at the sight of the bustling city before making my steps towards the glass door.

I pulled the glass handle sliding it as I entered in the warm atmosphere. Closing the door behind me I walked towards my bed. Sitting down I pulled the blanket over me, but I couldn't close my eyes.

I could not sleep.

Sleep seems to drift away as many of the darkest nights. I laid there with my eyes staring the ceiling, glancing at the clock again and again I could see time passing before my eyes as every minute the clock tickled, the pendulum was oscillating but my eyes, they never closed. It was like time had stuck at a point in my life where nothing seemed good around me, when everything was falling apart and I myself was becoming a corpse.

I wanted to call death and take me away because I thought that death was better than this life. But my time had not came, my nightmares were coming to life and I could not prevent them because I was weak, someone who was broken by them self.

A cold sensation was felt, I looked at my left to see I had not closed the window. Sighing I got up again ignoring the severe back pain. Taking a step towards the window a hiss left my mouth as my it felt like someone had injected a needle at my back, I placed a hand at my spine falling down slowly. Knees became too weak to hold my body and I collapsed on the floor. Pain, I could feel pain, invading my body slowly. My body ached at every spot and times like these made me a person with mental illness, a psychopath who could see her hauntings reaching her day by day, who was hallucinating her nightmares right in front of her eyes and she was too scared to face the World, she had enough of the obstacles and the lumps in her life.

Clutching the edge of my bed I got up and sat on my bed.

Trying to gain the strength back I stood up walking towards the window and closed the glass preventing the cold air to come inside, returning to my bed I sat down and opened the drawer, lifting up a blue box I took out the painkillers and swallowed two of them followed by guzzling down the water. I was thirsty, my mind came across this sudden thought. I wanted to ignore the fact that I needed to take sleeping pills but it was now out of control for me, there wouldn’t be a time when I could peaceful lay on my bed and drift away to sleep. I took the sleeping spills, dropping two of them on my palm before swallowing them.

laying on the bed my mind went back to the thought that haunted me every day, I had nothing to do, I had no one to wake up and see, no where to go because I had quit my job, I had stopped going outside,I had no meaning to wake up everyday and smile. All of the reasons died for me a long time ago when my mother died. I was alone now, sinking in the darkness and failing in every aspect of life, I was mentally and physically ill. Days went by andI was someone I could not myself recognise.

—

A disturbing noise made me open my eyes and I glanced at my table to see my alarm going crazy, I pushed the ‘stop’ button, sitting up I looked at the time. It was eight thirty. there were hundreds of notifications on my phone as I kept scrolling I looked at my best friend’s chat box. She sent a voice mail to me.

’Good morning Bells, I may not be in town by the time you open this, going to London for two days. I have arranged a meeting for you at my office tomorrow. Don’t do this to yourself, I beg you. Get up and go give the interview and meet the people. I will be disappointed in you if I found you haven’t gone, that’s all, bye.’

I smiled hearing her voice, it’s been a week since I met her, she had been busy, Freddie was the only person that made me smile, she was my best friend, my sister and now she also played the role of my mother.

I recorded a message for her,

‘Fredds I am happy to hear that but I am not stable enough to get up and go out, let alone getting a job. I want to be alone, I want to grief, I want to..be myself.’

I placed my phone on my desk after hitting sent and got up but then again heard the beep of my phone, she had sent another voice mail.

I pressed play,

‘It’s almost been a year now Bellona, get up, move on..don’t let this grief take away the most precious moments of your life. Learn to live. Breathe. You have got a whole life ahead of you, I want you to live, I want you to smile and laugh until there are tears of happiness in your eyes, I want you to brush off the dust off your shoulder and fight your depression.’

I breathed as I spoke near the speaker, my bitter words echoing in the dark rooms of the house. This uncanny feeling took over but all this was reality.

‘The ones who fear death are the ones who live.’