Chapter tow

I know who I am now And all that you've made of me I know who you are now And I name you my enemy

I know who I am now I know who I want to be I want to be more than this devil inside of me

Dear Wormwood by the Oh Hellos

()

I don't want to be here... not anymore, at least.

When he woke up in the morning he had felt excited—so excited he nearly made himself sick. He had bounced around, ignoring his mother's pinched face, hardly able to sit still the entire trip to London. Since their house wasn't connected to the floo network and his father wasn't the best at Apparation, it was either driving or going into the nearby community for the public floo network connection... and going into town wasn't much of an option either, as they were a very secretive and private family. So it was by car, and finally, after what felt like ages to the small boy, they arrived at King's Cross station and the three of them went through the barrier... onto Platform Nine and Three Quarters.

That's when everything drained out of him. He just stood stock still, terror creeping into his body. His mother stood on one side of him, face still pinched. His father stood on the other, looking rather surly. He knew if he said something they'd happily take him back home and that'd be that. I could. Mum and Dad were probably right… I don't belong here… He swallowed and took an involuntary step back as a group of kids ran past him laughing. So many people.

"Are you all right?" his dad asked, sounding rather bored.

He slowly nodded and then bowed his head, looking down at his trunk. It was an old trunk someone had brought into the shop where his father worked and Lyall had fixed it up and reinforced the spells so it looked fairly decent, if still a bit battered. His initials—R.J.L.—were stamped on one side in glittering gold letters. Inside were his new school uniforms as well as clothes for the weekends. Books he was bringing to read if he had any spare time. Some candy, tucked away. A little bit of money, for any emergency. And his school books. A world of knowledge waiting for me. He had already read through most of them but reading them and being taught were two different things and if he turned back now…

"Are you ready?" his mother asked.

"Yes." He sounded braver than he felt.

She gave a bit of a sniffle and knelt down, smoothing down his hair and then kissing his forehead. "If you need anything just write to us, you've got Arthur now." She nodded her head at the cage on top of the trunk which held the family's ancient owl. "We'll come get you immediately."

"Yes, Mum." He was trying not to tremble, trying not to show fear.

His dad took his stuff onto the train and he started to follow him however his mother grabbed his arm. "Actually, if anything happens, send word through Dumbledore, he'd be quicker than Arthur," she said and he nodded. "You'll be careful, won't you?"

No, Mum, I plan on screaming it at the top of my lungs my first night there. "Of course I will!"

"You know the rules we agreed on…"

He looked her square in the face and repeated the words she had drilled into his head every single day since the meeting with Dumbledore. "Keep to myself, don't draw attention to myself, don't do anything to cause any sort of risk, avoid any sort of duel or fight."

She stroked his hair gently. "And above all?"

"And above all… don't make friends."

"Good."

His dad returned to let him know the trunk and owl had been secured in the luggage and pet compartments respectively. He gave his son's shoulder a squeeze which was more than the boy expected from him, as he was not a very touchy-feely sort of person. His mother more than made up for that and indeed began hugging him once more, kissing his forehead multiple times as her tears splashed onto his shirt. He heard some other kids snickering at him and a blush rose into his cheeks.

"Goodbye," he said, wrangling himself free and then shouldering the school satchel he had packed for the trip. "I'll write to you as soon as I can. I love you!" He quickly got onto the train before she could start crying on him again, and, making himself as small as possible, began looking for a compartment. An empty one. He knew it was a bit selfish however he wasn't ready to deal with other people. In fact the thought of dealing with other people made him want to vomit. He'd have to soon, and would be sharing a dorm with other boys which—Merlin—was the most terrifying thing of all. And the classes would have more people. Double Merlin.

Until then… He found an empty compartment and slipped in, locking the door behind him as well as shutting the curtains. He just stared at the door for a second or two then climbed onto a seat, peering out the window. His parents saw him and began waving. He waved back, shouting another goodbye before sliding down onto his butt. Other students were leaning out their windows waving at their families but he didn't want to be doing that for the remaining minutes until the train started.

This is it. He ran his fingers along the seat, wondering how many other students had sat where he was now sitting, how many felt as afraid as he did. He knew how many were exactly like him, though: a big fat zero. Unprecedented. Can't happen. Impossible! Words thrown around at the meeting Professor Dumbledore had had with his parents a couple weeks ago. Words from his mother and father. Dumbledore's words had been along the lines of, Safe. Promise. Deserving. He kept smiling at Remus over the gobstones game they were playing (which Remus won every round of) and kept using words that didn't sound like they should be said about him. Exemplary talent.

He gave a bit of a frightened yelp as the train whistle went off, and clamped his hands over his ears. Then the train rolled out of the station, heading north, taking Remus Lupin towards Hogwarts.

()

The first hour of travel time was spent with his nose in a book, one of his all time favorites he had picked for the trip, for the comfortable familiarity. He had read the adventures of Bilbo and the dwarves a multitude of times (as well as the other books of course) yet it never ceased to be enjoyable, even the sad bits. During this time there were several knocks at the door, all of which he ignored, all of which went away. Then at about twelve-thirty his stomach growled loudly.

He reluctantly set the book down and began going through the bag for the food his mother had packed. Two bacon sandwiches, a bag of crisps, an apple, and two bottles of water. He unwrapped one sandwich and started to take a bite when there was a rather desperate sounding knock at the door. He frowned, trying to ignore it. The knocking stopped and then he heard someone on the other side of the door say something muffled yet familiar… the syllables sorted themselves out in his ear a split-second too late for him to do anything about it.

The door swung open, as it had been the unlocking charm he heard, and two boys tumbled in. They both started laughing and then one of them apologized to the small boy as he slammed the door shut and relocked it. "We were in sore need of a hideout!" he said as he turned lean against the door as if to offer further protection.

The other boy was still on the floor, laughing. "His face, his stupid face!"

"Once he catches us, you're dead," said the one still standing.

His friend shook his head. "Totally worth it!"

Remus shrank back on his seat, trying not to tremble. "A-hem. Excuse me. Erm. E—excuse me…! Um, I—I'm sorry but—I-I…" He had talked plenty with his parents but now facing two people he had never met before, everything became so much more difficult and the words got tangled up. "Prefer-alone," he finally managed, knowing he probably sounded like a madman.

They both looked at him and the one standing gave a brilliant smile. "Apologies again, you see we're in a bit of a spot of trouble and just need to hide out for a few minutes."

"Shan't be too long, I imagine, a goon like that should lose interest any second now," said the one still on the floor. Then his face went quite white as someone began knocking on the door. "Errp."

The two of them backed away, looking anxious. "Think it's him?" whispered the first boy.

An older boy shouted for someone to open the door and the one who had been on the floor gave a miserable sigh. "Yeah, that's him. Guess I'll have to take the beating. My poor face!"

Remus glanced at them then went over to the door, feeling a little sorry for them despite the fact it was pretty clear they got themselves into the situation. He took in a deep breath then opened the door a couple inches so he could poke his face out. Three older Gryffindors were standing there, one of them looking terrifyingly strong. "C—can I help you?" He found if he focused really hard, the words worked.

The burly one smiled. "Sorry to bother you, kiddo, but mind if we take a look in there?"

"How come?" Remus whispered, knitting his brow and frowning as he concentrated on speaking. "Did-did-did something happen?"

"We're just looking for some first-years…" He tried to look past him and Remus shifted the door so he couldn't.

"I'm a first-year," he said, sounding afraid. It wasn't that difficult to do. Especially since he was doing one of the things his mother specifically told him not to do. Getting into the middle of something he shouldn't, drawing attention.

The Gryffindor gave a reassuring smile. "Not you. Are you alone in there?"

"Uh-huh. D-don't feel well."

It only took him a couple seconds to decide Remus was telling the truth. One quick look at his pale, translucent skin, limp hair, dark circles under his eyes, thin face. "All right, thanks. Sorry to bother you. C'mon guys, let's check the rest of the carriage…"

Remus shut the door and then turned around, jumping as both boys were practically on top of him. Far too close.

"Bloody brilliant!" exclaimed the one who had been worried about his face.

The other one examined Remus up and down. "Are you really sick?"

Their closeness to him made him feel beyond uncomfortable and he scurried back to his seat, drawing himself up and into the corner. "Nothing catching," he promised then found the words harder to hold onto now that he wasn't just making excuses. "Erm, you c-can stay in—in-for… for a few— m-m-until… they go to—carriage…"

That's all they seemed to need and both of them bounced into the seats across from him. "We'll go shortly," said the first boy and then the two of them began talking and giggling with each other. Remus watched them for a couple minutes, curiosity getting the better of him and asked what they had done to cause them to be hunted. That caused more giggles. Then the first one said, "Firecrackers."

"I threw a firecracker into the stall when he was using it," the second boy said rather proudly. "The loo," he added, seeing the smaller boy didn't seem to know what exactly he meant by stall. Remus put a hand over his mouth at that and he wanted to ask why but the first boy started talking again.

"We would have gotten away except one of his friends was outside and when we came running out he could hear his friend shouting and so the friend grabbed onto us…"

"Then the big guy came storming out all furious and quite damp," the second boy snickered. "It was great."

As they laughed, Remus took that moment to study them. The first boy had brown skin, rather thick glasses over hazel eyes, a thin face, and messy black hair that stuck up in all sorts of directions seemingly defying the law of gravity. The second one was pale but not in the same way Remus was, more of the naturally pale sort of way (as opposed to sickly pale). He had a long sort of sloped nose, pale grey eyes that almost seemed silver, and incredibly silky looking black hair that was in waves down to his earlobes.

Glasses wore a tie-dyed shirt and bell bottoms while Firecracker was already in his uniform which fit him impeccably.

"So," Firecracker said to Remus. "What's your name?"

He pushed himself farther into the seat. "Th—they're probably g-gone by now."

Firecracker flinched and Remus felt slightly bad for being rude (only slightly). "Right-o," he said, getting to his feet. "Thanks for your help!"

"Our hero," added Glasses.

They went to the door and peeked out to make sure the coast was clear and, after Glasses gave Remus a salute, the two of them left. He shut the door behind them and relocked it, and when he turned he saw a bar of chocolate sitting on the seat where they had been. He picked it up, wondering if they had dropped it or left it on purpose. If it was on purpose he figured he probably shouldn't eat it. Anyone who threw firecrackers into a bathroom stall probably would trick out a chocolate bar to cause some trouble, he reasoned. So instead he went back to his bacon sandwiches and then picked the chocolate bar back up, eating it too.

After all, what could it do to him?

()

Over the course of the rest of the trip there were several knocks however nobody else broke in (that reminded Remus, he wondered which one used the unlocking spell; he'd have to find out) so he remained alone. When he went to the bathroom at one point he peed as quickly as he could, a touch afraid a firecracker might be thrown in. Nothing like that happened and he returned to his compartment safe and still alone.

In the early evening Remus changed into his new school uniform. He couldn't help compare how it fit on him versus how Firecracker's uniform fit. Remus's had to be too big, so he'd grow into them and not need new ones anytime soon. He had to roll the pant legs up so he wouldn't step on the backs, and roll the shirt sleeves up so his hands weren't covered. He tried multiple times to get the tie looking right however no matter what he did it remained crooked and awkward so finally he just left it, and pulled on the black robes. The tie and trim on the vest were grey and would remain grey until morning… until after he was Sorted.

I wonder what house I'll be in. He sat back down, pulling his book into his lap. His mother was Muggle so she never went to Hogwarts, and his father had gone to the French school since his mother was French. Not that Remus knew her. Or anyone else in his family. He thought perhaps his grandfather had been in Ravenclaw though he couldn't be sure.

Ravenclaw is probably a bad idea, he mused as he looked out the window. Smart people there, able to figure things out… though they're also a bit eccentric so maybe they wouldn't think twice of one of their students going missing every month... The train was slowing down and soon he saw a little village in the distance. Hogsmeade. He left his satchel reluctantly even though he knew it would be taken to his dorm. At the last second he pulled his copy of The Hobbit out and tucked it into one of the robes pockets.

On the platform there was a bit of chaos as older students went one way and the first-years were being called by a huge man waving a lantern. Remus crept over, hoping nobody noticed how much he was shaking.

"He has to have giant blood in him," someone whispered in a sneering sort of way about the huge man trying to herd the first-years.

Finally all the first-years were gathered and the man—who introduced himself as Rubeus Hagrid, Keeper of Keys and Grounds at Hogwarts—led them down to the edge of a great expansive lake (informing them only four to a boat) and Remus gave a slight gasp as he saw the school on the other side. It rose up in the mountains, looking beyond glorious. He just gaped openly at the castle, unable to believe that he was standing here, that he was going to be attending the famous school.

"Oof!" he grunted as someone pushed past him, nearly knocking him off his feet.

"Sorry!" came a voice he recognized as Glasses. Remus scowled as he watched him and Firecracker jump into a boat, and Firecracker stood in the way not letting anyone else join them. Not that Remus had any intention of doing so.

He went to another boat and nervously got in, twitching slightly as the boat rocked. It rocked even more as three more students climbed in. Shortly after, the boats began propelling themselves across the lake and he just watched the castle getting closer and closer. Loud noise eventually drew his attention and he looked over to see Glasses and Firecracker in their boat, along with another boy who somehow managed to get in—a rather pudgy boy with mousy brown hair who was clapping and laughing as Glasses stood with one foot on the prow, shouting piratical nonsense. Firecracker was waving his wand around like a sword, also talking like a pirate.

"LAND AHOY!" Glasses shouted as the boats approached a wall of ivy, his voice echoing across the water.

The boats glided through the ivy, down through a rather dark tunnel, and finally ending up bumping up against a sort of stone harbor. Hagrid watched the first-years all carefully as they climbed out. When Remus stepped onto the stone he slipped a little and his arms started wheeling as he nearly fell backwards back into the boat or into the water, but Hagrid was somehow right next to him and grabbed him with a huge hand, pulling him completely off his feet and setting him back down a few feet away from the edge.

"All right?" he asked.

Remus gulped and nodded, not daring to speak, ignoring a few of the other students who were giggling at his clumsiness. Hagrid turned, counted heads, then guided them up a passage, onto the grounds of Hogwarts, up some stone steps where he then knocked on the door.

A witch with long black hair pulled into a tight braid opened the door and looked at the group, a stern look on her face. Hagrid pretty much handed the students over to her, whom he called Professor McGonagall and Remus recognized the name belonging to the Deputy Headmistress from his Hogwarts acceptance letter. She took them through a huge entrance hall and into a small chamber where they were to wait until the Sorting began.

She adjusted her rectangular spectacles and began what sounded like a very practiced speech. "Welcome to Hogwarts. The start-of-term banquet will begin shortly, but before you take your seats in the Great Hall, you will be sorted into your houses." She went on to talk a little about the ceremony without saying what it involved although Remus knew from the books he had read that it was as simple as putting a hat on, and then she talked a bit about the houses and how the houses were like family and how pretty much once in a house that's your life now (at least that's what it seemed to Remus). She also talked a little bit about something called house points and how important they were, as the house with the most points won the House Cup at the end of the year. A big honor.

McGonagall then told the students to please tidy themselves up as they had to wait a few minutes, then left them alone.

Remus fought off the urge to throw up, terrified of what was to come next.