8 Something Completely Different

Okay I'm gonna go off on a tangent here and none of it will make sense but for those of you that figure it out, please just listen because this might be someone you know too.

I am so frickin depressed. My best friend from last year, for whatever reason I have no idea, she started drifting away with no explanation. If it was something I did, fine, I'll admit to it and apologize, but what she doesn't know is how much that hurt.

Now here I am, 8 months later. It feels like every single person at this school hates and ostracizes me. The probably don't mean to, but every single teasing word, every little nickname that makes fun of my shortcomings, every single time they talk about my position and say "she said ditching the seconds and joining the firsts" or "she said assistant concertmaster", it hurts so much.

Yes it's just teasing. I get that. But when all you want from your friends is mutual respect, and this definitely doesn't feel like respect to me, this is painful. I can't even be around them without feeling like they're going to hurt me with their words again. I can't handle any more criticism than I've already received.

Probably this all stems from a similar experience I had with another ex-best friend of mine. She just decided to stop being my friend with no explanation. I started thinking it was my fault. Probably was, since it happened again. Thing is, I don't know how to prevent it from happening again.

So here I am. Depressed like you wouldn't believe, curling up like a ball crying over some little remark my boyfriend said to me (no it's not J it's someone else) that wasn't even meant to hurt, and feeling sorry for him because every single time I have a breakdown he picks me up, puts me back together, kisses the tears away and holds me close and says everything will be okay and that it's okay for me to cry in front of him because that's what he's there for. And there have been a lot of those breakdowns recently.

I don't know what to say to him except that I'm sorry. I'm sorry for being a mess. I'm sorry for being depressed. I'm sorry for not being mature enough and acting like a child so much of the time. I'm sorry I'm not that strong and can't hold myself together. I'm sorry for all the lies I've told, all the things I've hidden. I'm sorry for not being the girlfriend he deserves. I'm sorry that I just started crying the instant I saw his just sent text saying "I'm home" because I miss him and I wish he was here with me. I'm sorry you people read this too. I'm sorry for a lot of things.

But mostly, I'm just tired. I'm tired of hurting, of hiding myself so people don't see how tired and broken and hurt I am. I'm tired of keeping up a happy face every single day when I just want to tell people exactly how I feel. And I'm tired.

So goodnight. For how long, I don't know, but good night.