make it right

Chanwoo

"You kissed him?!" Seokjin's loud voice boomed through the cafe, causing the poor people surrounding us to turn their heads in confusion and annoyance.

"Can you please be quiet?" I hissed, hiding my face in my hands out of embarrassment as the table of girls behind us giggled, already whispering and snickering to each other. "Yes, I kissed him. I know, I'm so damn stupid."

"Yes, you are extremely stupid." My brother cackled, throwing his head back before attempting to contain his laughter. "I really didn't expect to hear this when you asked me to meet you here today. I got to hand it to you, man, I didn't think you had the balls."

"Can you not make fun of me at a time like this, please? Act like the big brother you are and give me some well-needed advice. I'm going crazy here, Jin." I peeked at him through my fingers, and I finally saw the smile slip off of his face. Finally, he was starting to take this seriously.

"Shit, you're really worried about this, aren't you?" His kind eyes were slightly narrowed, brows furrowing in concern. It made my heart drop even more, causing me to groan exasperatedly. The last thing I wanted right now was pity; I felt crappy enough as it was. "Well, from what you told me, it seems like Hyunki was caught off guard. He has every right to be- I mean, imagine fighting with your best friend one second and he's kissing you the next. That's surprising, to say the least."

I nodded, waiting for him to continue. "You overstepped a boundary that he's probably assumed to be set in stone ever since you guys met. It's perfectly normal that he reacted the way he did. To be honest, you're lucky he didn't smack you across the face."

"I know I shouldn't have just kissed him like that, but I wasn't thinking straight. All I could keep thinking of was that Minjun asshole touching him. It was reckless and selfish, but I don't know what I can do to fix things. I could barely even look at him without breaking down in tears like a fucking baby."

"First of all, you should have told me how you were feeling sooner. If you had someone to talk to about it, you wouldn't have been so miserable. However, you and Hyun-ki have been best friends for almost ten years now. I truly don't think this will have ruined everything."

"Then, what should I do?" I rubbed a hand over my face, the stress sinking into my bones and making me desperate. Telling my older brother that I kissed my best friend- who happened to be a guy, wasn't easy. I'd always been straight; I dated girls and even brought a couple of them home to meet my parents. This wasn't anything I'd ever felt with any other guy before, so I never thought twice about it- even when Seokjin joked about Hyun being in love with me and us being a 'cute dynamic duo'. I was a nervous wreck, but I should've known what his reaction would be. He looked at me wide-eyed for about ten seconds before cracking up, throwing his hands up, and slapping me on the shoulder like a father who was congratulating his son for scoring a goal.

The nerves disappeared completely and were replaced with annoyance as soon as the words 'I told you so!' left his grinning lips.

"I mean," Seokjin paused and rubbed the back of his neck as a cringe pasted itself onto his lips, "considering you kind of just ran out of there this morning, it's going to be a little awkward." Upon seeing my face fall even more and registering the disgruntled whine I let out as my forehead dropped to the tabletop, he quickly corrected his tone, "Don't worry, though! You can do this, Chanwoo! Come on, he loves you- he'll hear you out."

"You think so?" Suddenly, I felt five years old again. Seokjin's hand rested on the crown of my head and tousled the hair there comfortingly. I was so vulnerable, which was something I always hated feeling more than anything. I grew up keeping a strong, happy facade up at all times, even if it didn't mirror how I felt inside. Hyunie was always the one who could see through it, no matter what. Yet, at this moment I couldn't find myself caring about just how pathetic I looked. I surely looked like a kicked puppy, but it reflected how I felt inside. For once, I couldn't care less about trying to cover up my true emotions.

"Yes, I really do. You need to tell him everything- how you've been feeling different ever since the accident. It doesn't matter if it makes no sense right now, just tell him what's going on inside that head of yours. Who knows, maybe he'll finally confess his undying love for you." Seokjin winked, causing me to roll my eyes as his joking nature returned once again.

"Shut up." I shoved his hand off of my head and gulped down the rest of my coffee, even though it wasn't doing anything to wake my exhausted, sleep-deprived body and left my throat scorched in the end.

"Hey, never say never. Looks like the straightest guy ever bumped his head and woke up gay for his best friend." I choked on the steaming beverage as Seokjin chuckled at his own joke, moving to grab some tissues to aid me in cleaning up the coffee I'd partially spilled onto the table.

"Fuck You." I scoffed, hastily wiping my mouth while attempting to tame the blush quickly rushing to my cheeks.

This is going to be a long day.

༻❁༺

As I walked through the door of my apartment for the first time in months, I felt odd in a way that was hard to fully understand. It had been so long since I was somewhere where I was completely and utterly alone.

At the hospital, there were nurses, physical therapists, and doctors coming in and out of the room every couple of hours. At Hyun's place, I was alone while he was at work of course, but once he returned, I was comforted by his warm presence once again.

I was so used to being surrounded by his sweet smell in every corner of the small home. His items were everywhere, a constant reminder of where I was. His warmth seeped into my skin when he was even relatively near, like an aura emitting more light than even the sun could give off. Now, there was nobody here other than myself- whom I currently wanted nothing to do with quite frankly.

I wished so badly that I could step outside of my body and slap myself across the face. I hated myself for being a coward and running away when I should have just stood my ground and tried to explain things maturely like the adult that I am- or should be acting like.

I ran away from my problems in search of an immediate release from the fear and stress but made the situation worse by doing so.

This was all so new; I was never one to run away easily. Now, it was like running was the only thing I knew how to do anymore.

I was sprinting down the never-ending hallway of a house that was on fire. My demons took the form of sinister flames as they licked at my skin with unforgiving vigor, taunting me to keep going; to run as fast as I could before they caught up to me.

I didn't want to crash and burn. Knowing you're doing the wrong thing isn't easy to admit, but I couldn't swallow the fear of rejection sitting high in my throat.

Sure, I knew I needed to sit down with Hyunie and talk things through. I needed to somehow try and make him understand what was going on with me even if I didn't know that much myself.

As I sat down on my cold, suddenly unfamiliar couch, I let my mind wander. I tried to gain a bit of confidence and remind myself of who I am- that the old Chanwoo is still in there somewhere.

Yet, the dark thoughts spiraled around me like a dozen haunting spirits.

What if Hyun doesn't care that I left?

He's probably relieved now.

What if he's with Minjun?

What if it's better this way- with me keeping my distance? I can't hurt him if I'm not there to make more reckless mistakes.

What if he's happier without me?

"No," I shook my head, hands pulling at my hair until my scalp started to ache under the dull pressure.

I stood up abruptly, pacing back and forth in the family room until I finally decided to call it a day at last. My mind was working in overdrive, and the frigid twilight air was making my skin prick with goosebumps.

The only way to silence these thoughts was with sleep. As I shucked my shirt off and pulled on a pair of sweatpants, I remembered just how desperately I'd fought to wake up just a month ago.

Now, all I wanted to do was fall back into the abyss of slumber. If I wasn't awake, these thoughts would suffocate. They wouldn't have my fear to feed off of anymore and I wouldn't have to fight them any longer.

As I lay my head on the cold pillow that felt much too firm in comparison to the one I'd been sleeping on at Hyunie's, I let my eyes fall shut.

I know what I need to do.

Even if these thoughts are accurate- even if he's better off without me, I'll give it one last shot.

I'll silence my demons snickering at me from deep in my subconscious and put an end to this suffering. I'll swim through the relentless waves of this sea of uncertainty towards the single beacon of light that is Hyun.

I'll dig deep within myself and rescue the Lee Chanwoo that I used to be proud of and pull his drowning body to the surface. I won't let my own actions hurt me anymore, and I won't let them hurt Hyun-ki.

I have to do this, even if I'm scared shitless of what the outcome might be. If he chooses to never see me again, then I'll disappear like I never existed in the first place. I'll let him live his life exactly how he wishes, even if that means that I'm no longer a part of it. I have to give it one last try, for my sake and his; so that even if I can't have him in my life as something more, I can cherish and take care of him as my best friend again.

I have to make it right.