6 Chapter 5

“Natalie, wait up!”

I turn to see Colton running toward me. Déjà vu overwhelmed me. I could almost pretend we were still friends and nothing had happened. Almost.

“What’s wrong?” I ask, my eyes roaming over his face looking for any telltale sign that something had happened.

“Nothing,” he answers, looking slightly confused.

“Then what’s up?” I ask him, raising an eyebrow at him.

“Look, I just-” he started to say but was cut off before he could finish.

“Colton! Are you coming?” asks James, one of the people in a group of people that we used to hang out with every now and then.

“Can we talk later?” he asks me after glancing over his shoulder at James and then looking back at me.

My Colton would have never asked me that. He would have never left me to go with someone else. My heart begs me to tell him yes, curious as to what he wants to talk about, and hoping that we can go back to being like we were. But my head tells me not to be stupid and tell him no. I’ve been stupid and careless enough over the past few days anyway. It’s too late for us. What we had is gone for good. The last thing I need to do is hurt myself more by dragging it out or giving myself false hope.

“I don’t think that’s a good idea,” I tell him, shaking my head. “I’m busy anyway,” I add on, trying to soften the blow even though his feelings shouldn’t be my concern when mine clearly hadn’t been his.

“Oh, yeah, okay,” he says, his face falling and making my heartache.

“Yeah. I’ll see you later,” I tell him, backing up a few steps and getting ready to turn back around and head to class.

“Not really though, right?” he responds while chuckling bitterly, his voice flat and his eyes holding no emotion.

I frown and take a hesitant step forward but stop myself. I have to fight the urge to comfort him. That’s not my place or job anymore.

“No, I guess not,” I answer, giving him a soft, sad smile before walking away with him still standing there and watching me.

*********

I pull my pencil away from my paper and observe my drawing for a moment after I put on the finishing touches. After I decide I am happy enough with it, I look up from my notebook and to the front of the room where my teacher is still going on about something that I’ll probably wish I had listened to later.

“There will be a quiz tomorrow on what you have learned today. So, I hope you have been paying attention and taking good notes,” the teacher announces to the class.

Yeah. Definitely going to wish I had listened. A knock on the door interrupts my teacher’s continued lecture.

“Come in!” he yells to the person on the other side of the door.

As soon as the mystery person opens the door, I want to duck down in my seat and hide. I can’t fucking believe this. Why me? Am I not allowed a break?

“I need to see Natalie Holloway,” Mrs. Jackson, my therapist, says.

“Natalie,” my teacher says, nodding to me.

I couldn’t see any way out of this so I gather up my books and follow her out. We walk in silence toward the guidance counselor’s office.

“Mrs. Wendy was generous enough to let me borrow her office while we talk,” she informs me as we sit down in chairs opposite each other.

“Why am I here?” I ask, getting straight to the point.

“Well, I figured you wouldn’t come to me so, I would come to you,” she answers, flashing a smile that I’m sure she learned in her psychiatry classes in college.

“Did it ever cross your mind that I didn’t want you to?” I ask her, my tone harsh and cold. “This is a violation coming to my school and taking me out of class. I would even go so far as to call it harassment,” I continue while leaning back in my chair, crossing my arms, and raising an eyebrow at her, a defiant look appearing on my face.

“Yes, it did. But that doesn’t matter. What you need is what matters,” she replies, remaining patient.

I chuckle low and bitterly before meeting her eyes with my icy one and saying, “Oh? And what do I need? Do tell since you seem to know me better than I know myself.”

“You need to talk to someone. Someone like me.”

“I disagree,” I reply with a shrug of my shoulders.

“Your mom doesn’t.”

And then it clicks. Mrs. Jackson is here because my mom put her up to it. She’s the woman my mom was crying to on the phone. I feel anger swell up inside of me, spreading like fire through my veins, immediately. I can’t believe her. I can’t even come to school now without being pestered about this bullshit?

“I’m sure she does now,” I reply, keeping my emotions hidden.

“What makes you say that?”

“I’m better. Good as new or something like that.”

She’s silent for a minute and focuses her attention on her hands. Then she looks over to my lap and I watch as my notebook grabs her attention. Before I can stop her, she reaches over and grabs it.

“This is interesting. Would you mind explaining it to me?”

I swallow hard and focus on the drawing of a girl with shackles on her wrists and ankles, chained to something behind her that can’t be seen. Now I’m seeing red from being so angry and violated. Who the fuck does this woman think she is? Mrs. Jackson is silent, patiently waiting for my answer. All I give her in return is a glare that can kill.

“At least talk to me about the drawing, and then I’ll let you get back to your classes,” she persists, trying to negotiate with me.

I huff and impatiently say, “The girl is being held back by the shackles. She can’t break them, and there isn’t a keyhole on them. So, she can’t unlock them. She’s trapped and struggling. She’s chained to her invisible battles. She is chained to her past and her mind. No one can help her, and she can’t help herself.”

“That’s some really deep stuff. Maybe she can help herself.”

“And how do you suppose a drawing can do that?” I ask her sarcastically.

“She can draw a keyhole and a key.”

“If only it were that simple,” I mutter.

“I’m not saying right now. I’m saying over time.”

I give an ironic laugh while shaking my head at her and say, “That’s what everything comes down to, isn’t it? Time. When is everyone going to stop lying to their selves and realize that time doesn’t fix everything? Some things happen to people that will always leave their mark and a person changed forever. And the people buying into the bullshit that time heals everything are only telling their selves that in an attempt to lessen the pain and convince themselves that one day they will be okay and all of the pain will be gone. Look, I’m better now and I explained the drawing to you. Can I go?”

“Don’t you want to talk about what’s wrong?” she asks, trying to coax me into it.

“Don’t you think that if I did, I would have gone to the sessions instead of you coming to my school?” I snap back at her.

“I would like to think you just needed me to find you.”

“Well, I would like you to leave me alone and stay out of my school. I didn’t and don’t want anyone to find me. If you’ll excuse me...” I say, starting to get up.

“I would like you to consider seeing me at least once a week. I think I can help you,” she tells me, undeterred and determined.

I roll my eyes and say, “The last person that said they could help left me. So, I don’t think I will. Why don’t you just tell my mom I am so that you can get the money you’re after?”

“My offer stands,” she continues, ignoring my previous remark.

I don’t say another word to her, being way past done with this conversation. I gather up my stuff and walk out into the hallway that’s now flooded with students.

“Hey, something wrong?”

I look in the direction of the voice to see Riley making his way to me with his forehead creased with worry. I look into his green eyes that are so sure and open, and for some reason, I start to feel the tension leave my body.

“What do you mean?”

“You’re coming from the counselor’s office. Did they get you for skipping?” he asks me, nodding his head in the direction of the room I just left.

“Oh, no. I’m good,” I tell him quickly, not wanting to talk about what just happened.

“Then what happened?” he asks, his face still not relaxing from the worried expression.

“Look, just because we hung out for a day does not mean we’re friends,” I snap at him.

“No, things can’t be that simple with you. It would just be the end of the world to open up to someone, wouldn’t it?” he shoots back, sounding a little hurt.

“That’s what you don’t get! It could be!” I say, raising my voice with anger and frustration.

“No, I get it. One guy screwed you over so you let it ruin your life and any possibility of being anything but miserable,” he snaps at me.

My breath leaves me in shock and hurt. Riley is really upset, and for some reason, it unsettles me. It’s a little ironic that there were so many times that my goal was to get this exact reaction from him to make him not want anything to do with me, and now that I have, I hate it. It doesn’t seem right coming from him. He’s always such a happy and easy-going person that it makes me feel awful that I just took that away from him for any length of time.

“I have to go,” I whisper, my face still frozen in shock as I turn to walk away.

When I see him walking beside me out of the corner of my eye, I realize that we have the same class this period. I glance over at him and see his jaw clenched, and his eyes fixed straight ahead of him. I can tell he’s not actually seeing anything and stuck in his head. I bite my bottom lip and try to keep my mouth shut and leave things as they are. This could be my easy out. Except it doesn’t feel easy, and the churning in my stomach is impossible to ignore.

“You’re mad,” I state, not knowing what else to say.

“I’m disappointed, not mad. There’s a difference,” he answers me, his voice low and serious.

“How did you know he left?”

“It doesn’t take a genius to put it together,” he says in the same tone as before, along with a little bitterness.

“Why do you care?” I ask him confused, letting out a breath.

“You deserve better. You’re beautiful, smart, have an endless amount of potential, and so much more that you’re blind to,” Riley tells me like he’s going down a list that he knows by heart.

“Potential for what exactly?”

“To be what you want, do what you want, and anything else you can think of.”

“You believe in me that much and don’t even know me.”

“I’m trying here. I’ve never tried this hard before, never had to. I kind of like it,” he says, a ghost of his usual smirk on his face.

“Of course you do,” I say sarcastically as we walk into the classroom.

He chuckles and walks to his seat, seeming to have already bounced back to his normal self. His rebound rate is extremely impressive. I feel myself relax, the horrible feeling in my chest from before gone. On the way to my seat, I pass Colton, who is glancing from Riley to me, where his eyes eventually settle. I can almost hear him saying, “Does someone have a crush? Should I be worried?” in the teasing way that he used to. My heart clenches at the thought. I push the feeling aside and sit down.

Flashback

“Thank you so much. I owe you big time. I would have failed that test if it weren’t for you,” I say, looking up at Tyler as we walk side by side to the parking lot.

I have known Tyler since he moved here in the middle of our first year of middle school. He used to move around a lot due to his dad being in the military. When they moved and had gotten settled here, his dad noticed how much happier Tyler seemed to be. He realized that it would really hurt Tyler when they had to move again so, he worked something out with his boss to transfer to a job that would allow him to stay.

That’s about all the knowledge I have of him, and that’s only due to him coming to the school and excitedly exclaiming the news to his friends when his dad told him. He made friends pretty easily since he had spent a good chunk of his life having to restart. I guess living a life like that can make a person charismatic because that’s what it seemed to have done for him. He had changed a lot from the lanky kid that he once was. He was probably only about 5’9 in height with brown eyes, but he definitely looks like he comes from a military family with his haircut and muscles. He’s a nice, great, and respectful guy overall, and when you add that to him being cute, it makes sense that he has a few girls that would do anything to be with him. We’re not that close, but we’ll have friendly conversations in the math class that we share while he tries to help me with what we’re learning since I have a bad habit of zoning out without even realizing it.

“It was no problem. I’m always here to help,” he says, smiling down at me while holding the strap of his book bag on his shoulder.

I look in the direction of the parking lot as we near it and spot Colton leaning against the driver’s side door to his car, watching and waiting for me. His hair is messily slung to one side, still almost hanging over his piercing blue eyes. He’s wearing a white t-shirt that sticks to his muscles, black jeans, and black tennis shoes. His arms are crossed over his chest, making the muscles in them bulge even more. One side of his mouth is tugging up into a smirk and makes my face start to form one reflexively as well.

“I really appreciate that. You’re awesome. I’ll even dedicate my diploma to you,” I tell him, making him laugh and shake his head at me. “So, I’ll see you later?”

“Absolutely. See ya,” he replies, walking backward while giving me a playful mock salute before turning around and walking in the opposite direction to his truck.

I walk up to the passenger side of Colton’s car and see that he’s turned to face me, with his arms spread out on the roof of the vehicle, and he has the biggest teasing smile on his face now. I narrow my eyes at him, giving him a silent warning.

“Does someone have a crush?” he asks, deciding to tease me anyway.

I roll my eyes and throw my stuff in the backseat.

“Should I be worried?” he continues, his teasing smile only growing when I don’t respond.

“About Tyler? Not at all. But keep it up and I’ll be happy to wipe that goofy smile off of your face,” I say, teasing him back while we both get into the car.

“Good. I don’t want to have to beat him up. He’s a good guy,” he says, still grinning while cracking his knuckles as if he’s preparing to fight.

“Ha! Yeah, right. Like you would do that. Especially over me when you have your choice of any girl you could possibly want,” I scoff at him, shaking my head at the absurd thought of him doing something like that over me.

“I have my choice of any girl?” he asks, raising his eyebrows in disbelief and making me sigh in return.

“Give me a break. Don’t act like you haven’t noticed how they trip over their own feet when you’re around.”

“They do?” Are you sure you’re not getting me confused with someone else or just seeing things as something that they’re not?” he asks, clearly dumbfounded, and not playing dumb or modest like I originally assumed.

“I’m sure. You honestly haven’t noticed?” I ask, shocked.

“I don’t pay attention,” he answers, shrugging his shoulders as if it doesn’t matter to him in the slightest.

“Guys can be so clueless,” I mutter, shaking my head with a half-grin appearing on my face.

“Girls can, too. Let’s not get sexist now,” he says, trying to give me his best stern look and wagging his finger at me like he’s disappointed and scolding a child.

“Oh, shut up,” I tell him, lightly shoving at his shoulder and giggling.

“Now we’re getting abusive? I have to admit I never expected this from us, of all people, Nat. I’m starting to think this is becoming a bad relationship,” he continues, mock and sarcasm dripping from his voice as he puts on his best serious and disappointed expression.

“I could go,” I say threateningly, shrugging my shoulders and pretending to reach for the door.

“That won’t be necessary,” he replies, rapidly shaking his head and scrunching his face up.

“Thought so,” I gloat, grinning with satisfaction.

“Shut up,” he tells me, smiling back as he reaches over and lightly shoves my shoulder back, which only makes me break out laughing.

We pull out of the school parking lot carefree, happy, and continuing our joking banter all the way home to the point our faces were red and our cheeks hurt from laughing so much. I walk into my house thanking the universe for how lucky I was to have Colton as a constant in my life and for the rest of it, to always be by my side through everything life had to throw at us and to always make each other as happy we were. Forever.