4 Chapter 3

“Where are we going to go?” I ask him, not moving to get in.

“It’s a surprise.”

“How do I know I can trust you?”

He tilts his head to the side, his eyes looking at me intensely as he ponders my words.

“What do you need to trust me for?” he asks me, his eyes starting to unravel and unnerve me with their newfound intensity.

“I need to trust you not to hurt me,” I say, only managing to get the words to come out as a whisper.

I look down at the pavement, hiding my eyes from him and his searing gaze, realizing after I have said it that I don’t mean physically hurt me. No matter how insane it is with me only having just met him and not knowing much of anything about him, the thought never crossed my mind to worry about that with him. But, emotionally was an entirely different thing. I would have never imagined Colton hurting me in any way. Yet, here I am.

And the more I’m around Riley, the more my gut tells me that him having the power to break me emotionally was rapidly becoming a very real, daunting, and enormous possibility. I knew it was happening, but I continued to feel more and more powerless to stop it. My mind swirls with fear and panic that my eyes would showcase to the world if I had not become so good at masking them and making them void of anything. I look back up into the green eyes that had been burning a hole through me with their intense staring ever since the words had left my mouth. I am getting better at reading Riley’s eyes, and I see it when the same realization I had just had dawns in them as well. I begin to feel too exposed and decide to run, but before I can make my feet do what I want them to, his voice pulls me from the struggle in my mind and stops me.

“I won’t hurt you. You can trust me,” Riley tells me, his voice gentle and coaxing.

“How do I know?” I ask him, my voice sounding strained.

“Faith, I guess,” he answers me, his shoulders slightly shrugging.

“I lost that a while ago,” I say, my voice coming out cold and no longer strained.

He closed the distance between us in a decisive manner, tilting my chin up enough so that my face angled up to his. I start to jerk away from his grasp because this was all becoming more than I can handle. But he’s faster than I am and cups my cheeks with his big hands firmly enough so that I don’t move, but I could also feel tenderness in it that almost comforted me. The warmth from his hands seeped through my skin. They felt so strong and sure that it would be easy to be lulled into a sense of security if I would let myself.

He bent his head down a little, bringing himself closer to my level and his eyes directly over my own. I tried to look at anything but him, but that only made him draw his face closer to mine. So close that I could feel every breath that left him and had no other option but to meet his eyes. They were even more captivating up close. I watched as his eyes searched mine, moving back and forth and taking whatever they discovered in.

They were unwavering and so open now that I could read them as easily as I could read a book. They were filled with such sincerity and intensity that I had to audibly catch my breath.

“Look into my eyes. Really look and hear me when I say this. I will not hurt you. Not intentionally. Take a chance and give me just an ounce of trust. I don’t need all of it. Just enough to work with so that I can earn the rest,” he tells me, his voice just as strong, sure, and tender as his hands on my cheeks.

His words take me off guard. I don’t know what I was expecting to hear, but it definitely was not that. They scare me a little and warning bells start resounding in my mind. I realize that if I want to remain as safe and as guarded as I have become, then I needed to run away now and never look back. Before it’s too late and this becomes too dangerous.

My gut told me that this was it and, most likely, my last chance to get away before those two things happened. My mind screamed at me to run while I still could. My feet stayed planted where they were, unable or unwilling to move. I wasn’t sure which. But his words didn’t just scare me.

They also comforted me and made something in me yearn to believe him. The fear was louder than the comfort, though. I knew that if I was smart and had even a slither of self-preservation left inside of me that I would listen to my mind and run now. I needed to. But when I tried to make myself, his words began echoing in my ears.

I felt something inside of me start pulling my body to the car before I could even begin to comprehend the gravity of what I was doing and stop it. He shuts the door behind me with a satisfied and smug grin. I take in my surroundings as he gets into the car and starts to drive. His car is nice. It looks and rides like it is brand new.

When we get on the interstate, he cuts up the music and pulls the sunroof back. The chilly autumn wind whips through my hair, making the time I had spent on it before school a waste. But I don’t mind. I close my eyes and feel myself relax as I focus on the feel of everything and the sounds in my ears. Autumn and Winter had always been my favorite seasons.

I feel a smile spread across my face. A real smile. Not like the fake one I had forced and given my mom this morning. It feels foreign on my face. I open my eyes after a few more minutes of soaking everything in to see him glancing over at me every few minutes and smiling. Had he been doing that the entire time? I suddenly felt exposed all over again.

“What?” I ask him, raising my eyebrows in question.

He shakes his head before he says, “Nothing. I just love your smile. It’s beautiful and so rare to see.”

I moved uncomfortably in my seat a little. I’m not good at receiving compliments or attention. Sure, it feels nice. But I never know what to say or how to act. I look away from him and train my gaze on the passenger window.

“Thank you,” I finally respond, the words coming out in a whisper.

“Want to play a game?” he asks, changing the subject.

“What game?”

“We take turns asking each other whatever we want to know and we have to answer honestly.”

That doesn’t sound like a dangerous game at all, opening up and getting to know each other. I chew on my bottom lip as I try to figure out what to do. Part of me is curious about Riley, but an even bigger part of me was not willing to bring down my walls and let someone in. Especially someone as dangerous to me as he’s already become. Horrible idea. But maybe I can work it to where I find things out about him while he learns nothing of importance or value about me.

“How would you know someone isn’t lying?” I ask him.

“The entire point of the game is to be honest. I brought it up, so that says that

I’m willing to be. I was trusting that you would be as well. But your question makes me doubt that now. We should do a blood oath,” he says, looking over at me with a stern and serious expression.

My eyes widen as I look at him like he’s gone insane and shake my head.

“That won’t be necessary. Complete honesty.”

He breaks his apparent act as his deep and throaty laughter fills the car at my reaction. My stomach somersaults at the sound of it.

“Fine. I’ll settle for a pinky promise,” he tells me, still chuckling while extending his pinky finger to me.

I look at it for a second before I bring my own up to his. His pinky almost swallows mine whole. We keep eye contact while we make the promise. And then he does something unexpected, throwing me off again. Before releasing my pinky, he brings our still joined fingers to his mouth and places a gentle kiss on the side where our fingers connect, continuing to keep eye contact while he does it. I try to ignore the tingling warmth that’s dancing through my skin and lighting up the spot Riley’s soft lips touched me.

“Sealed with a kiss so it can’t be broken,” he says, answering my unspoken question.

His gentle smile had reappeared when he spoke the words, and his eyes were overflowing with sincerity again. I feel myself being sucked in and yearning to believe him, to believe in him. But I refuse to do so and fall into this trap. Being here with him was already reckless and stupid enough. I feel like I’m walking on glass, and in any second, it could shatter beneath me if the walls guarding my heart, and mind, received even the tiniest chip in them.

“Okay, I’ll start off easy,” he says, his face and demeanor back to normal. “What’s your favorite color?”

“Black. What’s yours?”

“Blue. It’s the color of some of the most beautiful and peaceful things, like the ocean, your eyes, and the sky,” he tells me, giving me a satisfied and cocky grin.

Did he just throw my eyes into the middle of that thinking that it would make it not stand out? Would I ever stop being caught off guard or shocked by his words and actions? It feels like every time I start to think I am getting Riley figured out, he throws another curveball at me. Was he doing and saying these things just to get a reaction out of me? What was his end game?

Not knowing or being able to figure out the answer to any of the questions going through my mind gave me an unsettling feeling. I’m not used to this. I have always been great at reading people and figuring them out fairly quickly. It’s unnerving that I am having so much trouble doing the same with him. I narrow my eyes at him and feel my face morph into confusion. When I regroup myself, I choose to ignore what he said and move on.

“They’re not always peaceful. They can be disastrous. Making them ugly to someone like you,” I decide to say, referring to the ocean and sky.

“Granted, there are people who would see only the bad sides or downfalls of it, but I don’t. Even if they can be disastrous, they’re still beautiful. There is beauty in disaster,” he says, giving me a meaningful look.

The way he said this makes my heart skip a beat. I try to pretend that I am seeing things or delusional and hope that he is only talking about the two things that I am referring to. But knowing there’s a chance he is talking about more makes my stomach twist into knots. This game was not going the way that I had intended for it to go.

“Not many people see that,” I respond quietly, my eyes roaming over his face and taking every detail in.

“Not many people view the world the way that we do,” he says, shrugging his shoulders.

“We? No, we view it differently too.”

He and I are polar opposites. He is always so upbeat and happy, no matter what’s thrown his way. I can barely put on a show of being that way for my mom. He’s always wearing a smile on his face, while I never have one anymore. He’s always so relaxed and great with people. I am anything but that.

He can get along with anyone and seems to thrive off of being social. I thrive on being alone and being left alone. I do everything in my power to fade into the background, go unnoticed, and avoid any form of contact with anyone. Before six months ago, this wasn’t the case for me. I was decently social and unbothered by it.

Colton was the person that I mainly spent my time with and talked to. But my peers had seemed to like me. Back then, I was always friendly with them when they were around, and we talked. The past six months, on the other hand, is an entirely different story. After everything went down with Colton, people would still try to talk and hang out with me at first. But everyone quickly began to realize that was a bad idea.

Some would randomly try off and on for a while still, only to receive chilling death glares from my end. So, at this point, everyone had learned to stay out of my way and leave me alone, and they did just that. No one makes any attempt at anything with me anymore, and they haven’t for a while. And that’s what I wanted. Riley clearly hadn’t received the memo, or he just didn’t care.

“Yes, on some things. But on others, we do,” he tells me.

“You’re an optimist,” I reply with my words coming out laced with disgust, raising a challenging eyebrow at him.

“And you’re a pessimist. But we see things in ways that most don’t. We look past the surface of things. We look deeper into everything. We try to see things from all angles and grasp the entire picture. We see the beauty in things that others don’t. We observe the things and people around to learn and understand them.”

“I’d love to know how you have come to your conclusion when you don’t know me or anything about me.”

I look at him expectantly as he chews on his bottom lip and concentrates on the road ahead, contemplating whether he should answer or how to answer. At least I’ve gotten better at reading him in some ways.

“I have been watching you. Your body language, facial expressions and reactions, and how you do the same things to others,” he finally answers, nervously glancing at me to see how I react.

“You’ve been watching me?”

He shrugs his shoulders and gives me a nod, still chewing on his lip. So, he does it when he’s concentrating and nervous. Another common trait that we share, I realize. But I don’t plan on telling him that. If he’s so sure and confident that he is so impeccable at reading and figuring me out, then he can watch and figure this out as well.

“Should I be creeped out right now? Or worried about you taking me off to be murdered or something?” I ask him, throwing in that last part just to give him a hard time.

I probably should be on edge, worried, or creeped out at him admitting to watching and studying me. But I’m not. I’m sure he probably meant that he did it while talking to me, and that’s something I had already figured out myself. Instead, the knowledge only makes my heart irritatingly skip a beat and makes a foreign warmth wash over me. He gives me a dead-faced look before he chuckles at me. I bite my lip to stop the smile that’s trying to make its way to my face.

“Am I wrong?” he asks me.

“No, you’re not,” I admit, watching as Riley’s satisfied and cocky grin lights up his face in return. “What else have you figured out about me?” I ask him.

Again, he takes a moment to think before answering. It’s like he’s suddenly trying to choose his words carefully.

“I’ve also come to the theory that you’ve guarded yourself, and it’s because something happened to you. Something that made you feel like you needed to lock yourself away to protect yourself. That’s why you spend so much time trying to push me away. It’s why you have made yourself so cold and come off so mean and heartless in everyone else’s eyes except for mine. I see past it and into the amazing and intriguing person that you truly are,” he says almost hesitantly, probably concerned with how I’m taking in his words and how I’ll react to them.

My heart jumps to my throat. When I asked Riley the question, I never in a million years thought that he would say that or have that figured out. I was expecting something small, not something that was this intuitive or dead on. The exposed feeling swells up inside me once again. The only thing that provides me any comfort is in the fact that he wasn’t entirely right or dead on about everything he said. I shake my head at his words.

“You can try to look past it all you want. There is nothing past it to find. That’s just who I am. I don’t know why you’re building me up in your mind or trying to see something that isn’t there. The truth is, I’m just fucked up. I am a cold and heartless person. I bring people nothing but misery, and they always leave eventually. I’m a horrible person,” I tell him, letting out a breath when I’m done.

“A disaster?” he asks quietly, his eyes tender.

“Yes! I am a disaster. I destroy everything and everyone around me. Honestly, I don’t understand why you have become so set on having anything to do with me. You’d be wise to walk away and save yourself from the catastrophe that I am and will inevitably bring into your life in some way or another. Preferably before you become collateral from it,” I answer him, my words leaving me in a rush and my mind not piecing together what he was getting at.

“You’re beautiful,” he says suddenly and with conviction.

His declaration shocks me into speechlessness. I part my lips trying to say something, anything. Did he not hear what I just told him? Did he even listen? I feel the shock leave my face, only to be replaced by confusion. When I dare to move my eyes back to his, I see him watching and studying me again, greedily taking everything in.

“There is beauty in disaster. You’re a beautiful disaster,” Riley continues, making the realization of what he had been getting at. and referring to, hit me like a truck.

I turn my gaze back to the window and bite my lip. Coming with Riley and agreeing to this game was a mistake. I should have listened to my gut and ran away as fast and as far as I could. I must be a masochist to continuously allow myself to be at even more of a risk. I will not be shattered and broken again; I won't let it happen. It’s a little more than ironic that I had just finished telling him that he should walk away to save himself when I have been ignoring my mind screaming at me what I should do to prevent myself from being hurt, and I haven’t listened yet. I have to put a stop to this.

“Next question,” I say, changing the subject.

“Who was your first kiss?” he immediately asks, as if he’d been waiting to ask me that question.

I immediately regret changing the subject and thinking that it would be a better alternative. Both the question and the things previously being said were equally awful and exposing. Everything about being around Riley goes against what I had worked for and accomplished over the past six months. I don’t know why I wasn’t expecting it by now. But, maybe I can be smarter about answering these questions, make them as short and as simple as possible, and not give him much to know.

“Colton,” I answer him, my voice steady and showing no emotion.

He slapped his hand on the steering wheel, making me jump slightly, and exclaimed, “I knew something was going on between you two! What’s the story?”

I arch an eyebrow at him and say, “I believe it’s my turn to ask a question.” This will earn me a few minutes, at least. “Are you always so happy and carefree, or are you secretly just a great actor?”

“No. I just hate being unhappy. So, I try not to let life get me down or take it too seriously. I do my best to take everything as it comes to me and accept that it is what it is. I try to accept things, situations, and people for what they are and live my life to the fullest. I don’t want to take anything for granted or waste any time being unhappy or stressed over things. Especially things I have no control over, can’t change, or that won’t matter in a few months or years.”

“You make it sound so simple,” I mutter in response.

“I never said it was simple. There are times where it is easier than others, but it’s not simple. It’s a mindset that you have to practice and instill in yourself, and that’s something that takes time,” he says with a serious voice and expression. And I think that’s a first for him since I met him. “But hey, stick around me long enough, and you won’t even have to work at it. It’ll just become your life,” he continues, the seriousness was now gone and replaced with his cocky smile.

I roll my eyes at him in response. I remain quiet and focus on the scenery we pass by.

“What’s the story?” he asks me again, gentle and softly this time.

I look over to him and meet his eyes that are already trained on me, roaming over my face like he was searching for something. When Riley met my gaze again, his eyes shone with so much openness, tenderness, and sincerity that it floored me. That openness is something that I don’t have and cannot afford to have. I look away from him and back to the window, unable to handle seeing his eyes showing those things. Especially with it being directed towards me.

“Colton and I met and became best friends in kindergarten. It was rare to see one without the other from that point forward. One day, when we were 13 and 14, we went to a beach where we had our own special cave and was hanging out there. It’s a beach that people don’t normally go to anymore, so we usually had it all to ourselves. We went there anytime we needed or wanted to get away from the rest of the world. While hanging out inside the cave, we ended up kissing. It just happened. There was nothing to it,” I tell him, attempting to keep it simple.

“So, you dated? You were together?”

“No. We didn’t really date anyone else, but we were just friends.”

“I don’t know. I’ve never kissed someone that was just a friend,” he said in an almost singsong voice, raising his eyebrows at me in disbelief.

I narrow my eyes at him and reply, “We were just friends. Nothing more. It just happened. Probably because we had never done it and were curious. We had known each other for so long that we had become used to each other, and we were so comfortable with each other that it made sense to us at the moment. I guess when you’ve shared and experienced the majority of your firsts with someone, you figure you might as well share and experience that one too.”

“So, he’s the only guy you’ve ever kissed?”

“No. Other guys have kissed me. But I didn’t know they were going to. They just did it. It was kind of the same way with Colton.”

“That’s not surprising. You really are beautiful. I remember the first time I saw you. I had to catch my breath. I almost couldn’t pick my jaw up off of the floor.”

“I doubt that,” I scoff at him, thinking back to when we ran into each other and how he didn’t seem or act that way at all.

“I’m serious. I was knocked off of my feet at the first look at you. It blows my mind that you don’t see it yourself. It was certifiably insane for him to let you go,” he tells me, eyes wide with sincerity and amazement.

“You’re only saying that because you’re nice,” I say, brushing him off.

“I thought I was a jerk,” he argues with an amused smile, making me roll my eyes.

“You’re a jerk, too,” I tell him while nodding and shrugging my shoulders, unable to contain the smile that appears on my face.

“You’re a very confusing girl,” he states with a smile that lights up his face and shaking his head.

“I know,” I respond with the same stupid smile plastered on my face, and notice him watching me.

“I’m really good at that,” he says, sounding proud of himself.

“What?”

“Making you smile. I’ve never seen you do it so much until we met. Not for a while. I’ve missed it.”

“I haven’t had much reason to,” I say, my mood starting to dim.

“And you do now?” he asks, sounding even more satisfied and proud of himself than before if that was even possible.

“Wait,” I say suddenly as realization dawns on me. “What did you mean you haven’t seen me smile in a while? Was running into me the other day not the first time you saw me?”

His eyebrows knit together nervously as he looks over at me and says, “No. I knew about you long before then, though I didn’t know much about you. I saw you walking with Colton in school a couple of times. I noticed you walking with other various people a few times and talking to people in passing. I would always catch myself watching you whenever you were around, always amazed at how stunning you are. That was the extent of it, for the most part.”

Hearing his words blows me away. I don’t know how to feel about this new information.

“If you knew of me and crossed paths with me so much, how have I never noticed you?”

“I know. It’s shocking to think that anyone, yourself included, could cross paths with me for so long and never notice me with how handsome I am. But that’s exactly what you did. You were always zoned out into your own little world or caught up with talking to whoever you were with at the time. It hurt, but I survived. And you have been forgiven for your past indiscretions,” he answers teasingly, making a small laugh escape from my lips as I roll my eyes at him.

“It’s my turn to ask a question,” I tell him.

“You just asked one. Don’t try to cheat and skip me.”

“Those were questions pertaining to answers from previous questions. They don’t count. You’re guilty of doing the same thing.”

“Okay, fine. I guess that’s fair. Next question,” he replies in mock defeat.

“Have you ever been in love?”

“Yes,” he answers with no hesitation.

His answer and how sure he sounded when he said it surprises me. A million questions start to buzz through my head. I wonder who she is and what happened to her. I bet she’s gorgeous and has a personality like his. They probably made each other even more happy-go-lucky than they are on their own if that’s even possible. They probably spent all of their time going out and doing fun and adventurous things since they’re so outgoing. She’d be the kind of girl that it would be impossible not to fall in love with.

“Are you still in love with her?”

“You never stop being in love with someone if it’s real. If you stop, then you know that it wasn’t and you just thought you did.”

“That’s a bit evasive, don’t you think?” I ask him, raising an eyebrow.

He chuckles and then meets my gaze before saying, “Yes. Even more now than then.”

“What happened?”

“Nope. It’s my turn,” he says, avoiding my question and earning a glare from me. “Earlier, we talked about how I deal with things. I want to know how you deal with it all.”

“I go into my own world or close my eyes and pretend it’s all a bad dream,” I answer softly.

“And it works?”

“Sometimes. Sometimes I end up reliving memories. But I try not to do that. It only makes it worse.”

His eyes soften at my words, and we fall silent. After another moment passes, he focuses his attention on the road. I look out of my window and watch as we pass trees, houses, and various other things and places. Then we pass a beach. It’s empty besides a boy and a girl. They’re running around, laughing and screaming.

Flashback

“They keep fighting. They keep me up at night with it. I almost wish that they would just split up already so that I don’t have to hear it anymore. I think they would be happier if they did,” Colton said, kicking at shells while we walked around the beach.

It was deserted today. Not a lot of people come to this one anymore, so we basically took it over and made it our escape. It was our world outside of the world. I squeeze his hand that’s holding mine, trying to comfort him.

“Don’t say stuff like that. They’ll fix things. They’re just going through a rough patch as all couples do,” I tell him.

“You don’t have to live with it,” he replies bitterly.

“You’re lucky you can. My dad didn’t care enough to stay, much less argue.”

“You’re right. I’m sorry. I wasn’t thinking,” he says, sighing and sounding defeated.

“I know. It’s fine, though. I have you,” I tell him, smiling at him and bumping his shoulder with mine.

“It’s not the same.”

“You’re right. It’s better. My dad doesn’t care about me and left me when I was only four. You do care about me and won’t ever leave me, right?” I question, nudging at him again and trying to make him feel better.

“Yes, of course. You know I do. I could never leave you,” he said, breaking into a grin.

“Good,” I say, smiling back at him.

He pulls me to him by my hand and wraps his arms around me. He’s only 14, and he is already starting to fill out more and shoot up in height. I lean my head back so that I can look up at him. I suddenly realize how cute he is with his tousled black hair hanging over his light blue eyes. He was always shaking it to the side, trying to get it out of his eyes.

His mouth, usually set and firm, is relaxed right now. He’s pretty much always relaxed around me. Suddenly everything seems different. Like this hug was becoming more than just a hug between friends. I don’t mind, though. I glance at his lips, overcome with the urge to kiss him even though I’ve never kissed anyone before.

“Kiss me,” I whisper to him.

My eyes flicker back up to his and he looks at me intently. Without hesitation, he starts to bend his head down to mine slowly. Just as he angles his head and his lips are about to brush against mine, I unfold myself from him and run toward our cave, giggling. I glance over my shoulder and see him chasing after me, smiling and laughing with me. When I reach the entrance of the cave, I run inside.

I stop and start trying to catch my breath. The hair on my neck stands up, letting me know that I’m not alone anymore. I spin around, and before I realize what’s happening, his lips crash against mine as he pulls my body flush against his own. He pulls away and studies my face, trying to see my reaction. I notice that his boyish features are fading and starting to grow into a young man’s.

Looking into his eyes, I get up on tiptoe and brush my lips against his. His lips move against mine slowly, as if we’re testing the waters before jumping in. I felt his tongue ask for entrance, and I open my mouth to grant it. Our tongues swirl and move together in sync, the kiss remaining gentle and slow. I pull away and study his face, watching as it breaks into a smile that I immediately return.

He grabs my hand and leads me back to the entrance of the cave. I sit down, bringing my knees to my chest, and wrap my arms around my legs. He sits next to me, barely a centimeter away, leaning back on his arms with his legs spread out in front of him. We sit in content silence, watching the waves crash into each other. I close my eyes and breathe in, smiling and feeling complete happiness wash over me. I love the smell of the ocean.

“You’re really beautiful, you know that?” Colton quietly says to me.

He’s so close it felt like he could have been saying it into my ear. I open my eyes to see him watching me instead of the waves. It makes my heart swell a little.

“Colton?” I say, his name coming out as a question.

“Hmm?”

I stay quiet for a moment, nervous about saying what I was thinking. I wondered if it was a good idea and what Colton’s reaction would be. I bite my lip as I try to work up the courage to get the words out. I look over and lock eyes with him.

“I want you to be my first everything. And I want to be yours. We love each other, we’ll always be there for each other, and we trust each other more than anyone else. We’ve experienced the majority, if not all, of our firsts together so far. So, why not the rest? It just feels right and makes sense,” I tell him, still a little nervous at what his reaction and answer will be.

He gives me a gentle smile and says, “I wouldn’t want to experience them with anyone else. I feel the same way, Nat.”

I feel my heart skip a beat at his words and relief floods through me. I feel a huge smile spread across my face.

“So, it’s a deal then? We’ll be each other's first everything?”

“It’s a deal,” he answers me, his eyes still locked with mine and a smirk on his face.