19 Chapter 18

He’s close enough to me that I can feel whispers of his breath fanning over my face. His eyes are holding a new intensity now as he watches me and it’s completely unnerving. “I don’t know,” I whisper back, holding my breath for his answer and reaction, but I don’t get one. At least not a straightforward one. “Why are you here?”

His lips curve up into the ghost of a smile that I can easily tell myself I imagined ever even being there, his bottom lip appearing to be poking out slightly because of it being a little plumper than the top. His black hair is hanging just into his eyes in the messy style it always stayed. Dark stubble is starting to grow along his almost square, lean jawline. He reaches his hand toward me, making his white t-shirt stretch over the growing muscles in his arms. I can tell he’s been working out since he left because of that and how he looks to be filling out more, losing pretty much every bit of any baby fat he may have had left when he was a part of my life.

I fight the urge to bite my lip due to the nerves building up within me and keep myself and my expression composed, cool, and emotionless. I lay completely still, barely daring to breathe, waiting for his response or for him to give something away. Anything that would give me some kind of clue as to what he’s thinking and feeling. His outstretched hand brushes my long, thick black hair away from my face so gently that his fingertips barely skim across my face, leaving a familiar warmth in their path. I do my best to swallow past the ever-growing lump in my throat.

I search his eyes for any hint of what I’m looking for but I don’t trust my judgment as much as I used to. My trust in myself left almost entirely when my trust in him did. When everything I could have put my life on knowing turned out to be wrong and a lie. I can see emotions warring in his eyes as he stares down at me, but I won’t allow myself to think too hard about it. He opens his mouth to start to say something but my phone ringing cuts him off. A glance at my screen tells me it’s my mom. I groan inwardly but force myself to get it together and sound happy for her. “Hi, mom,” I answer the phone, my eyes still locked on Colton’s.

“Natalie, I was just calling to let you know that I won’t be able to make it home until way later. Work and errands are taking longer than intended. If you’re hungry there’s some money in the kitchen that you can order whatever you want with. I’m so sorry, baby. I’ll be home as soon as I can,” she tells me apologetically.

“Don't worry about it. I’m actually swamped with homework so this works out perfect,” I tell her, trying to reassure her and alleviate any worry from her.

“Okay, sweetie. I love you.”

“I love you, too. Be careful,” I tell her, injecting as much warmth and happiness into my tone as I can muster then hang up.

“What a performance,” Colton remarks, a crooked smile on his face. “I forget that to other people you are an amazing actress and liar when you want to be.”

I sigh in response but don’t say anything. I don’t want to help him avoid my previous question. As always, he knows exactly why I’m sighing and his face morphs back into seriousness. “Are you hungry?” he asks me, quiet again and sounding somewhat nervous.

“No,” I answer, my voice coming out barely above a whisper.

“Does she know she’s a grandma now? I can only imagine how she’d feel about that. Especially with me as the father,” he continues, trying to joke.

“Colton,” I scold, not in the mood for this. I’ve had way too many questions and too few answers lately to play this game.

He lets out a breath and focuses his gaze on my bedspread’s patterns, tracing them with his pointer finger. I’m starting to lose my patience when he meets my eyes again. “I’m sorry, Nat.”

My heart begins to hammer in my chest at his three simple words. “For what?”

“A lot, actually. But, right now, I want to apologize for kissing you the other day. I don’t know what got into me but it was wrong of me. I shouldn’t have put you in that position and I shouldn’t have hurt you like that.”

Everything stops. My heart hammering, my brain working, my blood flowing. It all just seems to stop. Was he really apologizing for kissing me? That’s definitely not what I expected. I didn’t think he’d ever in our lives apologize for that of all things. And I didn’t think there was any other way he could hurt me more but he just proved me wrong. I look away from him, trying to hide the emotions that I know are on full display right now.

“If you didn’t want to do it or didn't know what you were doing then you should have just left instead of doing it. I’m sorry that kissing me is so bad now that you end up racked with guilt,” I tell him, the hurt in my tone is evident no matter how hard I try to mask it.

He puts his hand on my cheek and gently forces me to meet his intense and searching gaze. I focus on hiding all emotion with all my might but I’m so taken off guard and hurt that I know I can’t be entirely successful. “That’s what you think? That I hate kissing you or didn’t want to?”

“What else am I supposed to get from your words and actions, Colton?” I snap at him, trying to ignore my embarrassment.

“That’s not it at all, Nat.”

“Just stop,” I beg, trying to turn my face out of his grasp but his hand only gets firmer.

“Tell me what to do. I don’t know. I’m trying to figure it all out. I was trying-”

“It’s not my place to tell you what to do,” I whisper, choking back my tears and pain.

He searches my face for answers but remains quiet. I watch as resolve settles into his features and wonder what he’s decided on. The air between us becomes even tenser than before. His hand still rests on my cheek and his thumb is gently tracing back and forth against my cheekbone. I fight the urge to press my face into his hand and soak up more of the comforting familiarity of his touch. I force myself to be as still as I can manage and wait to see exactly what he‘s doing and thinking.

I know I shouldn’t even be giving him this much and that I’m only opening myself up to more inevitable pain. But I’m stuck in place, playing this waiting game. And I obviously haven’t perfected the art of pushing him away and keeping him at a distance just yet. How am I supposed to when I see my entire life in his eyes? Everything I know is him and because of him. He’s one of the biggest parts of me. He leans his face closer to mine until his lips are only a breath away, his upper body only being held off of me by his one free hand. His eyes search my entire face before doing the same to my eyes.

“Don’t do something you’ll regret,” I whisper snarkily, the last of my defenses going out the window.

His lips curve up into a small, sad smile. “I have a lot of regrets lately, Nat. Being here with you could never be one,” he tells me in a low, almost desperate voice, his thumb still stroking my cheek and his nose brushing against mine.

My heart begins to pound so hard at his words that I’m almost sure he can hear it. I look into his eyes and see the same desperation that I heard in his voice. He closes the rest of the distance between us and slants his lips over mine. I grab a fistful of his shirt and pull him closer, matching his desperation with my own, needing to feel some semblance of who we used to be, if only for a moment. Grabbing his shirt only seems to fuel his fire.

He breaks away long enough to draw in a few ragged breaths and toss his shirt to the floor, leaving his hair even messier than before. I take the sight of him in. I’ve seen him shirtless countless times before now. But now I see his abs are more prominent than the last time I saw him. His usually tan skin is now almost pale because of the winter season. I’m struck more than ever by the fact that he’s no longer the boy I knew, becoming less of one every day that passes, and being replaced by a handsome man.

avataravatar
Next chapter