22 Did I really saw "you"?
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Sherdan walked out of the car, one strap of his bag hangs on his shoulder while the other dangles down. He had a black cap on, as the heat is too much to handle lately. His face had been sunburned too extensively lately.
The semestral break of his life as a 4th Grader had recently ended. Sherdan smiled like an idiot upon remembering his sembreak with Friedde, his cheeks began blushing. With the addition of his already sunburnt face, he had become comparable to a tomato.
He started 'slightly' flirting with Friedde at the end of their 3rd Grade, during the vacation. And confessed to him during the start of their 4th Grade. The other doesn't want to accept him at first, but he pampered him all month long like a prince.
His efforts didn't go to waste, as Friedde came to his house during the sembreak and asked him to go to the beach with him.
Sherdan chuckled to himself after remembering their confessions in front of the setting sun. He wouldn't ever forget that moment. How regretful that he wasn't able to record it.
Friedde saw him like this and smiled timidly.
Sherdan noticed how he had become a little awkward lately unlike when they were friends but didn't think much of it much. He hasn't been in any relationship before this, but they often say that couples are awkward during their first few months, especially those who were friends before.
"Morning." Sherdan greeted him, his face radiant and lively. He was obviously in a good mood. Arice walked into the room, Sean was beside him. His eyes narrowed as he looks at Friedde and Sherdan in a scrutinizing gaze, then his eye shifted to the one beside him.
He had a smirk on his face. Like he was mocking Sean.
"Ah-ha, look. I told you you don't stand a chance." He clicked his tongue, messing with Sean. The latter didn't give him any reaction and just sighed.
"Whatever you want to think."
Time seems to pass by quickly when you're in love. In a blink of an eye, it was already Sherdan's birthday. December came abruptly.
"Happy Birthday Older Brother!" Imogen said, her chubby cheeks became a ball of lump after she smiled. Making Sherdan kiss her in the cheeks. He really can't help himself from fawning over his sister's overwhelming cuteness!.
Guests came, although they weren't many.
Sherdan doesn't want a lot of guests inside the house. He wanted this to be an intimate celebration between his family and closest friends. He only invited Arice, Martin, Sean, Friedde, some of his schoolmates, and a few close relatives.
They fit just enough inside the spacious house.
"Happy Birthday man!" Martin greeted him and gave him his gift. Sherdan smiled and accepted his gift.
"Thank you. Where's the two?"
"Don't know man, they've gone missing again." Martin scratched his head. Arice and Sean were just beside him earlier, but when he turned his head, they were gone with the wind. Who knows where they went.
Sherdan felt like he knew where they could be, but decided to not talk about it. He doesn't have the right to tell others about other people's issues. Unless the two come out themselves, he will continue acting clueless.
He can only hope Martin would become a little suspicious of his friend, so he wouldn't remain the lone oblivious one.
The small party ended, and everyone eventually went home. Aside from Friedde who decided to sleep over again. Friedde has a knack for surprising him.
He would often appear at his front door when he least expect him to. Lately, he's been coming often for sleepovers.
"Happy Birthday." Friedde gently greeted him.
"Here's your gift." Sherdan looked at it and saw a drawing inside a wooden frame. It was a drawing of their backs when they were on a beach. Sherdan smiled, he was overjoyed.
"Thank you."
"Welcome!" Friedde said he gave Sherdan a soft peck on the lips. This caught Sherdan off guard, but he ended up laughing heartily.
Friedde has become bolder and bolder behind closed doors. Although he would still push him away when they're in public sometimes.
Sherdan encircled his arms around Friedde's, intimately embracing him. God knows how much he loves this guy. He couldn't picture himself ever parting with him.
"When are you gonna let me come to your house?. I've told my parents, but we haven't told yours," Sherdan said while he was gently rubbing his head in Friedde's neck.
Friedde stiffened, but it was so brief that Sherdan didn't notice it. He tried to stop his trembling hands, afraid that Sherdan might notice.
"I told you my parents were of old generations. They would object to it. I don't want to spoil our fun just because of them, so let's hold off for now okay." He placed his head on Sherdan's chest. He listened to the other's calm heartbeat and his thumping heart followed its rhythm.
Right, let's hold off. Better yet forget about it.
He closed his eyes.
Another June kicked off, before anyone realizes it they were already First Grade Senior High Schools. Friedde and Sherdan were still together, their relationships weren't all rainbows and butterflies, but the two of them had never gone past the boundaries even in the middle of a heated argument.
Some awful words will be kept to themselves. Friedde, in particular, had the habit of keeping things to himself.
Both of them run for a position in the council, and due to their popularity, they easily won. Friedde became the President, and Sherdan became his vice.
Their relationship was still strong, despite the above-normal number of times they quarrel. Sherdan is unbelievably patient, so he was able to last with Friedde who happens to have a very short temper.
He noticed it before, when they were still just friends, that Friedde has a very short temper. But Friedde rarely gets mad at him at that time, like he was putting a safe distance between them. An invisible barrier.
Even after they were together, he would still keep mum about things. Even if he asks, Friedde won't say anything, and if he urged him, they will always end up in a cold war.
In the end, Sherdan just lets him be. There's no point in this push and pull, unless Friedde decided to stop pulling his rope back every time he tries to advance, trying to know his secrets would be futile.
This dragged on until they eventually graduated from high school. During the celebration of Sherdan passing with flying colors, Friedde pulled him into the veranda with an excited look.
"I want to become a tattoo artist." He said a genuine smile appeared on his handsome face. Sherdan was left in a daze after seeing his smile, this is probably the first time he had ever seen Friedde smile so sincerely.
"I've been thinking about it for a long time, and I'm also a little afraid that I won't do good, but I want to do it!. I want to leave a trace of myself, somewhere, to someone. I wanted to make someone's body a piece of art, the one I created. Isn't it awesome?." His voice was excited.
"I looked for a mentor who can teach me for three years. Some say I just need to become a student of a professional. I talked to someone, and they recommended me into a popular tattooist."
Friedde started telling him about his dream job, and Sherdan earnestly listened to every word he said. He had a smile on his face.
Friedde sighed, he was greatly anticipating it. But he's nervous.
"Do you think I'd do well?" He chuckled lowly, he was wallowing in self-doubt.
Sherdan watched every change in his face. To the quiver of his lashes, the slight crinkle of his forehead, and every form of his lips that transitions from gloom and elation.
He realized once again, how he truly love this guy. And how he wishes to spend the rest of his life with him. They will graduate together, celebrate together, enjoy their first job payday drown with booze, and grow old together.
The cold wind blew their hair and the white curtains behind them. It hid them, but not the shadow of their enfolding body.
"Congratulations." Sherdan gently kissed Friedde's lips, before trapping the other in an embrace. Friedde slightly smiled.
"Hmm. Bastard."
Sherdan laughed after hearing his hoarse voice. Probably from screaming overnight.
He snuggled closer to Sherdan. Several parts of his body are aching. They drank last night, for no reason.
After they finished all the bottles of alcohol, they realized that the night is still young.
Both of them, drunk, decided to do some 'test driving', but before they realize it they were already 'racing'. The rest of the night was spent driving the car at 200 Mph. They were like hungry beasts that were starved of meat for years.
Sherdan pulled Friedde tighter and out of habit rubs his head on the other's neck.
"How about we just live together." He suggested casually, he wasn't really serious, but Friedde reacted strongly.
"Live together?."
"You know I still don't want our relationship known."
"And I told you how strict my mom could get. And you're on this topic again? Are you even considering my situation here?." Friedde said, he had a frown on his face.
Sherdan told him before that he wouldn't rush him, and wouldn't force him to do something he doesn't want. But now he wanted to live together?.
What would the neighbor think of them?. What about their schoolmates?. What would he say to his 'mom'?. Friedde trembled.
It's hard enough to keep pretending as 'just' friends when Sherdan's been so pushy about intimacy. Now, this? How many times does he have to bear with his demands?.
Friedde voiced out all that was inside his head. And when he finished talking, he stood up and wore his clothes, he wants to leave. Sherdan frowned.
"I was just kidding." He defended himself. He was just saying it casually. It was a sudden thought.
He felt like spending his daily life with Friedde would be this comfortable.
He never said it has to be 'now' either, but Friedde already started attacking him with a barrage of refusal.
"Kidding?. You're probably kidding now, but what next?. Are you gonna ask me for real?. Do you think I will say yes to that?." Friedde replied, his voice becoming loud.
Sherdan massaged his head. "I told you I was just kidding. You don't have to take it to heart."
"You know you can never hope something like that to me. I will never agree to that, I thought you knew me better than this."
Sherdan's felt like his heart is being gripped by an invisible hand.
"You will never agree to it?" His arms fell as if they had lost their strength. His hazel eyes reflected Friedde's irritated face.
He took a step towards Friedde, and asked
"What about marriage?" He asked. There was a hint of desperation in his voice, as though one wrong word from Friedde would break him.
Friedde's eyes widen in horror.
Marriage?
"Marriage. Between guys?. You expected me to marry you?." He couldn't believe it. Sherdan thinks he will marry him?
Sherdan felt like he had been splashed with cold water. Then, was he the only one thinking of their future together?
Did Friedde, during those 3 years, thought this was a momentary relationship? A whimsical emotion?
Sherdan couldn't help but breathe loudly, he felt his eyes moistening. A lump on his throat made it seems harder to breathe.
He gripped Friedde's shoulders. As if doing so might change the other's mind. But Friedde slapped his hands away, and with his face still etched with irritation he hurriedly fixed his clothes. He was about to leave but Sherdan holds onto his arms.
"Are we gonna keep doing this forever?"
"Are you going to keep me in the dark all your life? Friedde, you don't need to care about what other people will say."
He doesn't want him to go, he wants to make him realize that there's nothing wrong with them. There's nothing wrong with them.
Friedde only frowned, he stared at Sherdan's hands as it it was troublesome and pulled his arms away.
"Don't make me hurt you more." His voice was devoid of any love, it's as though he finds this too bothersome. Without hesitation, he left.
Sherdan stared at his retreating back.
He remembers the nights he would embrace him in his arms, and the other will subconsciously wrap those solid arms around him, pulling him closer.
The days he will smile at him so radiantly like he's the only one he can see. During that time, Friedde felt so close.
He felt reachable. He felt, real.
But the next second he will push him away. With his hands trembling, it will escape whenever he will try to hold it in public.
During that times, he will once again remember.
Sherdan sat on the ground, he quietly watched the little drops of tears as they seem to fall without end.
'Friedde was always close, but he never sees him.'
That night, he cried himself to sleep.
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