12 Regret 11

Reign's POV

We went straight to Neil's condo after the competition to celebrate. We've been here since 10 in the evening, and now's time is already 2:15am. We have invited the girlfriends of my bandmates.

They all have it except me. Well, Leila and Neil did not really announce their relationship to us, but we'd be dumb if we don't admit that they have something more than friendship. They are committed to each other. Isn't Leila considered his girlfriend?

But Leila is not here. So, that makes me and Neil alone. Leila's not so into parties, much more drinking. And we are drinking now.

It's been 4 hours since we started drinking. Everyone is drunk, if not just tipsy. Most of the super drunk couples are in the guest rooms now. It's just me, Jack, his girlfriend Ysabelle, and Neil who are left in the living room. I guess Neil is staying because he is the condo owner. I just think that he's thinking of sending us first in our rooms before he sleeps.

Since we went here, he has been checking his phone. It seems like he's waiting for Leila's text, chat, or call. He sometimes types on it. I don't know if he's been receiving replies, cause the phone neither rang nor vibrated ever since we arrived.

I look at Jack and Ysa. They are also wasted, but won't go to their room. Ysa is already sleeping on the couch, while Jack is nearly kissing the floor now. Sometimes, he unconsciously opens his eyes and say something I hardly understand. But most of the times, he's silently sleeping.

I look at Neil. He's drinking a lot of soju too. It's only pure soju, without any mixtures. I couldn't finish more than 2 bottles of it, but he is on his 4th bottle now.

Never did I expect him to be this high-tolerant of alcohol. I can't remember him going with the band, for a long drink time after gigs. He always goes home first, or if not, he goes to wherever Leila is.

I laugh bitterly as I think about them.

He drinks the last drop of soju he has on the table, then turns to look at me. Now, I think I'm gradually seeing him going tipsy. His eyes are blinking slowly, and it's a bit red already.

I feel so tipsy too. I'm not yet drunk. I can still think a lot of things. I can still clearly remember things that happened for the years that I have been with Neil. I can clearly explain how my heart clenches itself everytime I think how hopeless I am. I still clearly see him. And it's clear to me that we are both staring at each other.

My heart is acting crazy. It's beating as if it's its last chance to beat this fast. I already know that this is his effect to my heart, especially when he's near. Now that I'm super tipsy, it still has the same effect.

This man really has control to my heart. It's as if my heart's a slave to his love that he never showered upon me. But I'm proud of myself. No matter how I want him to look at me as how I look at him, I have never done something that could ruin my dignity.

I do things to show I care.

I care so much. But I will never verbally express my feelings to you, Neil. Not in front of you. Not in front of Leila. I say in my mind as if he can hear me.

But then, alcohol is going deeper in me. The longer we stare at each other, the lesser I hold my patience in controlling myself.

This man sitting beside me, but is facing to me, is the man I could not get my hands on. Besides that Leila's my closest girl friend, I know Neil somehow hates me. He is just being professional because we are bandmates. But if we're not, then, never will he start a conversation with me.

Or if it's about Leila, he will initiate the topic. Part of my brain speaks out. I pity myself for reminding me about that. That night he asked me about it, I was happy because he offered to send me home which is very rare. But it turned out he just wanted to ask about Leila.

Before I lose control of myself, I break the gaze. I drink the remaining wine in my glass. I'm planning not to look at his eyes anymore, but then he calls for my name.

"Reign", it's as if he is in so much pain.

And so, I look at him again. His eyes are filled with doubts and pain. Why? Is he going to talk about Leila again? There might really be a serious problem going on between them that he's hurting this way. That he was able to ask me about Leila.

I smirk. Again, I'm trying my best not to look at him. But then again, he opens his mouth to ask me, "What was that for?"

And looking at him again this time is one of the many things I regret. I see irritation on his face. I know he has that attitude to me a long time ago now, or might be even before I got the chance to know him well. But surely, he's been controlling himself not to show it to me to the extent level.

This time, I can tell he is not able to control it. I'm a hundred percent sure he is irritated to me. His brows are greeting each other, between them are folds that signifies they are forced to meet, his eyes are fierce, and his lips are so intact. He surely is gritting his teeth inside.

Everytime he's like this, something inside me keeps clenching my heart. I hate it that he hates me. All I did was care. I don't deserve his treatment towards me. His coldness..

Now that he's irritated, I feel irritated too. I did nothing to annoy him, especially today.

I'm starting to lose my control. I want to do something that could irritate him more.

I move forward and kiss him, just a smack. When I look at him after the kiss, it's evident that he's shocked. And I gradually feel it too. It's as if what I have done has just registered to me now. I'm not moving, and it seems like I can't.

After a few seconds, I have decided to leave. Cause if I won't, I might do more that could ruin my dignity.

It was just a smack. He can still forgive and forget it, right? I ask myself. But I can't convince myself.

I pull back. It's better to leave the place now.

But as soon as I am able to reach my feet on the floor, he pulls me back to sit on the sofa as he asks, "What the hell are you doing?"

I don't know which act he is referring to. Is it the kiss, or my act of leaving? I can hardly read him now.

I look straight to his eyes. Hatred envelops his eyes more than ever.

Tsk! What am I thinking? Of course he is asking about the kiss. He hates me, I know. Why am I confused that he's angry right now?

The way he looks at me now is much more painful than earlier. Just because of that one quick kiss! Thinking about that, it's paining and irritating me even more.

It's my first kiss. And now that I remember, I'm gonna bring it all on. I lean forward and kiss him again. This time, it's not just a smack, but a long and hungry kiss.

Pour all your hatred and anger to me, Neil. Cause I won't hold myself back now. Just this night..

He's gonna be so angry at me tomorrow. But let me say 'come what may' this time.