Yet, another fall.

Drowning once again in the pool of my tears with my favorite type of alcohol in my hand. Laughing at myself once more, screaming at myself once more. "How could you let this happen again?" I heard my mind say to me. "Did you really think you were going to have a happily ever after? Oh please!" I heard it say again while I felt my heart shed more and more tears. "You really thought you had a chance at love, how pathetic!"

I wished I could shut it out but I couldn't. My heart was trying as much as it could to shout back at my mind. They kept on going back and forth and all I could do was sit there and smile at myself in a sinister way. A toxic battle between heart and mind indeed.

Ethan really put on quite a show, you know. This is my 2nd heartbreak and I think I might just have to conclude with my mind that love isn't really for me. Though, I always ask myself "What did I do wrong? Am I the problem or are men just generally like this?" Starting all over is hard, so so hard.

I don't want to give up months of my life again trying to know someone new. Talk about "What's your favorite color?"

It's no fun trying to adapt to someone's nature all over again. It's not that easy to forget how they smell, how they taste, their touch, their voice, their everything! The memories both good and bad, literally just everything!!! I've had to deal with that before and I can just imagine how big the bruise that was left in my heart was. I really thought I had healed and was ready to love again. I really thought his love was going to close up that wound but who am I kidding? I'm just a stupid clown! It's of no use at all.

Or maybe I should call him again. Maybe he didn't really mean to end things, you know. I should probably call him again, yes.

With tears in my eyes, I picked up the phone and clicked on his contact. I stared at it for a long time, asking myself whether I should do it or not. Of course, I almost felt my mind slapping me when I thought of doing it but my heart agreed without a second thought.

Well, you know who took the lead.

I dailed it and it began to ring. I hoped for him to pick up the phone. "Come on pick up, Ethan" I said.

Welp, he didn't. I called three times and he ignored all of them. He even switched off on the fourth trial. I burst into tears all over again. I heard my mind say to me "Told you so"

Stupid mind, I so much hate you!

I hate to admit it but... my mind is so right. I wouldn't have made so many mistakes if I had listened to my mind, yeah.

I miss him so much.

How is he even happy without me? I mean, look at me. I'm a joke and complete mess. He really isn't happy....

Or is he?

"Is he really happy without me?" I asked myself as I gulped the last drops of alcohol in my hand and felt myself snooze out.