1 Chapter 1: Rebirth (Rewrite)

My consciousness faded; my mind and body felt as if they were on separate planes of existence. There was a chilling sensation wrapping every inch of my body-- it was as if I was floating helplessly in a sea of infinite darkness. 

'That's right; I was in that ice cream truck accident,' I thought. 'What a waste.' I wished then that I could turn back time. If I could start anew, things would be different. I'd stay in school, I'd work hard, I'd have sex...

At the center of the blackened void was a speck of light, ever-expanding before consuming the void. An intense warmth replaced that chilling sensation and I felt as if I was being propelled forward through the expanding light at a million miles per second.

Then everything came to a stop.

There was one final flash of light and then I found myself lying in the arms of one of the most beautiful women I'd ever seen; I thought I was in heaven. She had kind eyes and long, black hair, reminding me of a raven's wings. Her smile was so soft-- incredibly gentle-- and I began to weep. My tears compelled her to wrap her arms around me, placing one hand atop my head as it rested on her chest.

'Did I make it to heaven?' I wondered.

My hearing was still fucked up; the world around me sounded as if my head was underwater. I could hear a man's voice; it was a stern voice, stern yet joyful. Autonomously, I faced the man; he seemed like a giant, twelve feet tall at the bare minimum. At least, that's what I thought. 'Wait a second,' I thought to myself. 'I'm a fucking baby! Why am I a fucking baby!'

Yeah, turns out, I did get my wish. I was reborn, though the people of this world seemed off; they looked like three-dimensional comic book characters. As the woman, my new mother, rocked me gently, my eyes shut. Once they opened, I found myself being carried into a mansion; I guess I lucked out and was reborn into a rich family. We even had maids; I guess being extremely attractive was part of the hiring process. And so, for the next two years, I was living the luxurious life of a baby in a rich family with the mind of a seventeen-year-old boy. 

I was breastfed for a while; it was quite a strange experience. As most men do, I love breasts. On one hand, I got to do that every day, and early on I didn't really see my birthgiver as my mom; I mean, I already had one. I'd say she was more like a stepmother to me. Eventually, I started having mixed feelings about it...

Eventually, I just closed my eyes and started picturing someone else; which worked wonders. 

Oh yeah, I never mentioned my father. You can't see it, but I'm using air quotes as I say that. Like my mother-- again, just imagine the air quotes-- I saw him as more of a stepparent. The guy was pretty handsome, which I figured was good for me if genetics worked how I thought they would. I mean really, he might as well be my real father because his personality is pretty similar to mine.

I may have been a baby, but I could see how his eyes would wander around the maids; I mean, the way he had them dressed made it obvious where his priorities were. Even then, the way he looked at them didn't compare to how he looked at his wife. You know those cartoons where the dude hits himself with a hammer and his eyes bulge out? Yeah, that was him. The sick bastard even used to drink Mom's milk.

Alright, I don't feel comfortable calling them mom and dad as I talk about breast milk. The dad is Bryan and the mom is Jessie. Oh, and my name is Kyle.

So anyway, I caught Bryan drinking Jessie's milk when she wasn't home. I guess I shouldn't say caught because he took the bottle out of my hand and said, "Don't tell mom," as he unscrewed the cap and took a few swigs. After swallowing, he sighed and smiled. Fucking sicko, but I get it.

Yeah, Bryan said things in front of me because he thought I'd forget all of this by the time I gained actual consciousness at around two or three years old. Anyway, by the time I was two years old, there was no more breastfeeding, which sucked, no pun intended, but I discovered a new aspect of my life.

One day, I was in the kitchen watching my favorite maid, Emily, cooking dinner for us. Emily had blonde, shoulder-length hair and a really fat butt. When I say fat, I mean huge dude. Like, her ass would literally kill a grown man if she were to sit on his face and let me tell you, I'd volunteer.

Thanks to Bryan and his pervy required uniforms, I could see up our maids' skirts at all times thanks to my little body. You see they all wore the typical black and white maid outfits, but the skirts were waaaaay too small for them. It was as if he bought them from the teen's section of Old Navy.

Oftentimes, when I'd see her in the kitchen, I'd play with my toys on the floor and occasionally glance up as if I was intrigued by what she was doing when in reality, I was checking to see the panties of the day. The first time, it was genuinely an accident, but after that, I wanted to see how long I could get away with it. Really, the people of this world were practically nothing more than NPCs to me back then. And so, I went to my usual spot under the table and waited for her to move over to the stove. First, she filled a pit with water before taking it over to the stove, turning it on, and placing the pot over the fire.

'Oh, boy what color is it gonna be today!' I thought to myself. However, that smile on my face soon faded and my jaw dropped upon seeing what was actually under there...

Or I guess I should say what wasn't.

That's right, she wasn't wearing any panties and it was the most beautiful thing I'd ever laid eyes on. Let me tell you, seeing it in person was way better than seeing it on Hentai Haven or Xvideos, that's for sure. You Webnovel readers should definitely try and experience this at least once. 'God I love my life... Thank you, God or whoever else is responsible. I am eternally grateful.'

However, this sweet moment didn't last for long as I looked up to see that she was looking right at me, her eyes quivering with a face that was beet red. She must have forgotten that I like to 'play in the kitchen' while she was cooking and didn't realize I'd see her garden with my own two eyes.

"AAAAH!" she yelped in embarrassment, her arm reeling back while tipping over the pot of boiling water. It was as if the world around me started moving in slow motion as I watched the pot of hot water slowly fall toward my little two-year-old body. 'Well, I'm fucked.' I thought to myself before closing my eyes and shielding my face from the water. 'Time to work on my Todoroki impression.'

However, when I opened my eyes again, what I saw next might have been almost as beautiful as what was beneath Emily's skirt. The water and the pan were flowing toward the stove, and the world around me was going in reverse. By the time the water was back in the pan, I once again heard Emily scream. 

This time though, I was ready and jumped to the side to avoid the boiling water. Instead of splashing me, ruining this handsome face of mine, the water landed on the ground beside me.

"Master Ky, are you okay!?" Emily knelt down and held me; smothering me tightly as she often did. It was at this point that I realized that I was reborn as a time warper! 

[Author note: By the way, the MC is not a self-insert. He's inspired by the MC from Mushoku Tensei actually. He may or may not have some questionable opinions about women and how the world works. Please do not take anything Ky says seriously. He's an idiot and an incel.]