9 I Hate Missions

I have to say I regret that successful mission. With us being on front page news, Mr. Paisley giving us high praises, and the fact that there are a lot of creepers requesting 'her help', I have been stretched rather thin. It's the eighth grade dang it! I should be hanging with my homies! Camping in the woods! Doing anything stupid that can and should be done!

Not that I have any homies, or that I actually enjoy camping... I seem to have gained original Ron's phobia of small critters... But at least I keep the stupidity to a minimum. I'm a boy, so it's hard work, but thankfully I have friends who are beautiful and intelligent ladies. So should I really be complaining? Nah.

The fact that I am now in Siberia looking for a crashed plane. Now that I can complain about. Very easily might I add.

Me: "I'm just saying that it is too dang cold here, K.P! Why can't we be in a snow vehicle that mighr hopefully have heating in it?"

Kim does her patented eye roll at me.

Kim: "Because Ron, Mrs. Zheglov loves her draga moja Masha and wants to find out if she's safe. Wouldn't you do the same for Rufus?"

Me: "Well yes, you are right, but I would do that for everyone important to me. So you can count on me being there for you too, K.P."

Aw, I made her blush!

Kim: "Thanks Ron. That's sweet of you."

Me: "Good, now please keep walking. I don't care if you look good in snow gear, it is still freezing cold out here!"

Is she intentionally shifting her hips more? Nah, she's my best bud. I'm sure it's the snow being hard to walk on. I have the same issue.

We had traveled nearly two hours from the drop off point. Climbed more snow beds and moved along slippery ridges that I might have almost fallen to my death because of it. Did I mention the reason why we had to travel this way instead of getting flown in was because of the inclement weather? No. Well must have slipped my mind with all this wind wiping more snow in my damn face!!

Wwwwuuuuuuuu Ssssaaaaaaaa.

Okie dokie artie chokie.

Thankfully we found the air plane shortly.

Me: "There is a God! Or a Goddess! Whoever! Thank you!"

Kim: "C'mon Ron. Stop being silly. I want to be done with this just as much as you."

We trudged up to the plane and yikes. The whole tail end of the plane is gone. One wing is gone and the other is half missing. Otherwise it looks decent enough that someone 'could' have survived the crash.

Me: "Do we have to go into the possible explosion waiting to happen, I mean do we really have to?"

Kim: "We have to Ron. And besides, there is no snowstorm in there so let's go!"

Damn it. I hate it when she's right. She leaped and jumped and bounded forward, while I tired to catch up. Trust me, the exercising has helped my stamina, doesn't mean I'm a freaking gymnast.

When I caught up to her, I saw a big cage. Like a big big cage. The kind that ensured me that the dear little Masha I was imagining was more of a big Masha. And the cage was empty. Dang cliche scenario.

Kim: "Ron. We gotta go out and find her."

Me: "No. Not gonna happen. Nope. Nada. Never. I'm content to sit here and wait out the storm."

Oh god no. No. No. No no no no. She's using the puppy dog pout! Nooooooooo!!

Me: "Just so you know, I hate you."

Kim: "Aw, c'mon, you know you love me."

Me: "Yes but I'm not feeding your ego any further. Ugh, let's get this done."

Kim lagged behind but eventually caught up. We had a big Masha to find and I'm not happy.

So you know how I hate the random cliches that seem to happen? Well that are rather frequent, so it's annoying, but when the snowstorm was picking up more was when Masha showed up. Kim was going one direction and I kind of stumbled in another.

And cue big angry bear growl. And no, not near me. It was near Kim.

Me: "K.P!"

This rotten snow made it hard to run. Hard for Kim to dodge even though she was light on her feet. But big Masha was having a field day apparently. Her claws got a little too close and nicked Kim's jacket sleeve, but at least I was able to push her out of harm's way. But as for me? Big bear coming down!

Roll roll roll like my life depended on it! Because it sure did. I just had to do a cliche roll under and through the legs. Dang it, why me! Curse you cliche!

Masha was still more focused on Kim. Though I refused to allow the big bear to charge down Kim again, so I had to resort to drastic measures. Really drastic.

Sigh. Can't believe I did it. But I did it.

I poked the bear.

Ya know... I poked her. Ugh, Gonna have to throw these gloves away before this is all done.

But at least I got her attention! Because she turned around with a fury like no other! I rolled, I evaded, I freaking jumped over her head when she tried to take a bite out of me! Advice number 147. Never poke the dang bear!

Me: "Kiiiiiiii aaaahh Mmmm!!! Hurry up will ya!"

Kim: "I got it Ron!"

In my opinion, it took her far too long to shoot the tranq dart. But at least she got both shots in; and with how much I got Masha's blood pumping, she gonna fall and take a nap right about... now.

Me: "Whew! Alright K.P! High five!"

I do love getting her to giggle. And I received a high five! So a mission well done!

Kim: "Ron... We have to get Masha back to her cage."

Ron: "Oh. Well hoe we gonna do that K.P?"

She smiled at me.. Oh no no no. Not this again! Come on! You.. aaggghhh!!

I will say that I dragged the heavy as a car bear back to the airplane under duress! I'm just lucky that we had rope in our gear pack and that I was dragging on a snow field rather than a forest.

We made it back to the airplane and I was barely able to get Masha back in the cage. Now we just needed a new lock to keep her in it. There were plenty of boxes that had tarp over them and all securely locked up; so we just needed to find the keys.

I was hoping they were not in the back that got blown off, but I searched the pilot's cabin while Kim looked in the cargo section. And well, I'm glad it's cold out. It kind of slipped my mind that there WERE pilot's on here. So where did they go? Answer is they didn't. So with two frozen meat popsicles here, no disrespect it's just how I cope, I looked for some keys.

Thankfully I found them and told Kim that.

She was kind enough to set up a tent in here so we can sleep. While not really needed, it was the comfort of being in a familiar setting that would help put us at an ease.

I went to one of the locks and it took me awhile but I did get it off. Unfortunately I am a little nosy shit and had to take a look in the cargo.

It was guns. All guns. Like boo kuus amount of guns. Yep. I didn't see anything! Just close it back up, throw the tap down and go lock thr cage up! Yep. Works for me.

Kim: "Ron, tents done."

Me: "Booyah! I want that snack bar and a nice decent sleep!"

I really wish I paid closer attention to things. But I was too ecstatic to eat to notice the glint in Kim's eyes and that sultry smile that would become dangerous in a few years.

I don't really recall when it started, but we always slept in little spoon / big spoon position. She always had to use my arm as a pillow too. Though even if my arm would get numb, I always let her use it. Bonnie always slept on top of me, and with her growing, it always caused a rather uncomfortable side effect to puberty. Thankfully they never caught me yet.

Anyways, she convinced me to reverse our roles. Rather odd but I relented. I was just so tired and when she started rubbing my back I drifted off quickly.

.

.

.

I woke up in a rather compromising position. No idea why, but my face was in her bosom and the cold breeze was noticeable with my zipper down. I hate being a deep sleeper. Every time I sleep over with Kim or Bonnie, I find myself getting closer to them thinking I'm a perv. I like them too much to ruin our friendship over me doing weird shit like this.

I have to get up and check the weather anyway. If it is clear, we can shoot the flare and let them know to come and retrieve us.

And hot dog, will you know it, our luck has come through! I went to grab the flare and set it off before waking Kim. That gave her time to get some more zzz's in.

Me, I just sat by Kim and relaxed her head on my lap. She smiled in her sleep, so that was reassuring.

An hour later I woke her up. They should hopefully be showing up soon so we needed to get everything packed away. Well... Kim at least. She's better at that than me I'm afraid to say.

I can't tell you how happy I was to see the snow vehicles coming to get us. Not to mention how awesome it is to see those caterpillar tracks leave the snow in its... dust. Okay, it sounded weird. But it's a man's romance to enjoy watching loud machinery at work.

Me: "Eh, Mrs. Zheglov? What are you doing all the way out here?"

Mrs. Z: "I wished to see my Masha. I presume that's alright Mr. Stoppable?"

Okay, I may have felt sheepish at that but I was curious as to why she was there.

Until I remembered the guns.. Sigh. This is a crapsicle waiting to be thrown in our face.

Kim was explaining how we found Masha and how I saved her life. I had to interject and mention she saved mine by using the tranquilizer darts.

Mrs. Z: "So how were you able to lock up the cage? If I may ask."

Kim: "Oh! Ron found the keys. We had to borrow one of the boxes' lock in order to safely keep Masha in."

I made sure to keep a stoic look on my face even when Mrs. Z ans her bodyguards lookes a little too closely at me.

Mrs. Z: "Oh my. Your sidekick is very resourceful. Good job you two. There is a vehicle outside waiting to get you back to an airport and then head home."

Thank god. I want out of here.

Mrs. Z: "Oh Mr. Stoppable. A word if you would."

Fuck... Me... in a blender... In the desert... Sigh.

And she's even smiling at me.. This won't go well.

Mrs. Z: "So.. Mr. Stoppable. Did you see anything? Were the pilots able to escape before the crash? How about the cargo?"

Me: "Nope. Everything was in tip top shape. It was easy to get the mission done for you."

I deny everything! I saw nothing. Definitely no bullet holes in the pilot's head. Definitely no guns. This whole mission was not a way for you to smuggle in guns and use the bear as a way to recover the goods. Yep. All is swell.

Mrs. Z: "I'm glad.. Ronald. Boys like you become desirable to women. We always like it when you know to be silent on what must not be mentioned."

Yep. Never talk. I understand completely so there is no need to use the cryptic talk, ya know?! So stop stroking my cheek please. You've shown me that you are a big bad villain. I got it.

Mrs. Z: "If you ever choose... a different side. I'm willing to welcome you here, Ronald... Well then, have a safe trip home young man."

Did.. did she just hit on me? You know what. I don't care. I grabbed my gear and high tailed it out of there towards Kim. I ignore Mrs. Z laughter at my speedy getaway.

Kim: "Something wrong Ron?"

Ron: "Just ready to go home K.P. I need a hot shower and my body is aching all over."

Kim: "I can help with that..."

Ron: "That'd be awesome once we get home. You're the best, K.P"

I'm already exhausted even after the rest we already had. Being a sidekick isn't easy.