41 Zoph's Journal VII

No Date, Hontswell Period (Current Queen of Myrll)

If you've read this far,

You are amazing and cool

I, Zophi, love you.

I've noticed that some great books end off with letters. I write this one to myself, in case I'll need it, and to everyone who carried me on this journey.

I'll admit to not knowing what to do. I'm currently planning what to do with the one year of school I'm certain that I'll have.

When I woke up, I was thrilled to notice that my body had reverted to its pre-demon state. Upon further inspection, it appeared that demon form was a state achievable through intense emotion or stress.

I intend to masquerade as a half-human happy-go-lucky jack of all trades. I intend to find out who the other Champions are, and form alliances with the reasonable ones. Maybe I'll offer them something when I ascend to the Godly throne.

Or maybe the time loop will come to bite me in the nuts, and I'll have to restart life from zero all over again. And again. And again.

When I was a boy, I used to dream of living in the castle. I always wondered what it would be like to sit upon a golden throne, waited upon by attendants. I've come to learn that maybe I don't really want that.

But the funny thing is, I'm not really sure what I want. I wanted girls, but they liked other people. I wanted power, but I had my ass handed to me, and I was powerless, I couldn't protect what I wanted to.

No longer do I see the road ahead of me. Although I may come to regret this, I will rely on others for monetary and emotional support. I intend to pay them back with all the physical and magical support I can.

Though he has betrayed me in the past, I've come to the realization that I am no longer capable of protecting Catalina and Kythaela on my own. I know that I've got to turn away from them some point down the line, but viewing my situation platonically and logically, I have an inward debt that I must pay in full.

I haven't discussed this with Basti yet, but I'm certain that he will jump at the chance to protect Catalina. I'm certain a few Crowns in his pocket won't hurt in exchange for driving off the occasional monster from the mountains.

Looking back on my mistakes, I realize that I am not capable of facing the world alone. I am certain that I will come to lean on Hades, on my family, and on my friends, few though they may be.

I've learned from Basti that the desire to win often masks a deep desire to be 'the man'. To fly above the rest of the crowd. To be the one with the crown on his head.

But heavy lies the gold that rests upon the king. I regret shunning my emotions and the people that tried to help me. I know they didn't mean it, but them hurting me was by no means an excuse to shut them out completely.

Yet all I feel is a warm feeling in my heart when I look at my progress. I find myself to be a better person than I ever was back on Earth. I see an incredible future ahead of me, where I will walk proudly with my friends upon a world that we can change to our liking.

I've heard that a child's stunted growth leads to negative effects in the future, such as ostracization, and exclusion from society due to an inability to fit in.

I would be honored to join the ranks of the esteemed legends who grew up hard. The only difference between me and them is that while their quirks manifested on the autism spectrum…

I turned into a monster. A murderer.

And I'm sorry, but if you ask why, I can only offer tautological answers. That is to say, I'm a killer because I am a killer.

And that brings me to you. If future me is reading this, then this includes you, too.

Know that the only solace I have in this desolate godforsaken pit is that while I die, to live, to die again,

You all watch me. We are bonded by this connection. That is comforting enough.

This is a warning to everyone out there. I may be a monster. Or I may be weak. Maybe Sebastian is right to hate me. Maybe the nobles, the townsfolk, the elves were right.

I'm losing my train of thought. I will conclude this quickly.

If you see yourself in me, I advise you to put this down. I can't watch someone fall down the rabbit hole I fell down.

If you've read this far, I'm sure you're a wonderful person, for choosing to stay with me as I descend into lunacy.

And I'll ask you once again to forgive me, for I have sinned. And I will sin again. I will think no less of you for leaving.

But if you choose to stay, and journey with me as I kill the Gods,

Then I'll be happy to watch the world burn with you all.

Zophiel von Hontswell,

Signing off until we meet again.