Reveal a little ocean

Another day opening the door to Jay, completely ruined and messed!

Uncountable bruises and scratches, it looks little extreme this time. Her lower lip had burst and there was a huge swell on her upper arm. Her hair was untidy and it seemed as if she had been rolled in dirt. It's not like I gave up on inquiring each time she does this without a word, but there should a crossing border up to how much she can go through.

Even when now I think about that dangerous day of my life when I almost went in to hysteria, watching a completely different person in Jay's body ...my nightmares trigger up!

Watching her destroyed like this each day, really breaks my heart! My emotional stability collapses so low that I grow clueless of how to help her in this situation. She herself must be suffering immense which she can't even speak about. Is this so fair for a untainted young person like her? She won't budge a word about it.

Jay entered as I kept gaping like a dumb.

She is obviously trying to hurry up and ignore my gaze and all the incoming questions. I don't bother and give her the space.

But someone doesn't!!!

I didn't report the incidents occurring so often right after that terrible thing happened ….to Arthur!

That guy appears stoic enough, but magnifying a little in to his inners, he's totally shattered. He feels he is a failure as a brother and guardian. Sometime he debates with himself if he should have left Jay back there, in that suffocating den!

I completely feel him.

Those strips of medicinal packs he tries so hard to dispose without being noticed, can't fool me. Antidepressants, and so many of them! Both the siblings are undergoing such a phase, that not even a counselor could help. And me being the middle person trying to help, have become contagious from them. Regular restless nights and insomnia is not something I have ever appreciated. And here I was so hoping for the perfect family ever in my life! One single wish I ever had, which is far from it. Will it ever be possible???

Arthur always had sharp eyes.

Even I tried keeping it from him by covering up as much of Jay's injuries as possible, healing them faster or keeping her from his sight, the regular soiled up clothes gave everything away!

Once his eyes fell on the laundry basket full of one week's store, only Jay's clothes dragged his attention and he instantly knew what's off. Small spray or drops of blood weren't helping any way either.

I was interrogated!

The situation was revealed.

And right now, Jay's home, I'm home and Arthur is early, at home!

Jay was making her way to her room with my fearful eyes at her with the soon upcoming possibility I am suspecting. And for sure it started.

"Jay!", Arthur called in a deep but emotionless voice, "Come here for a minute".

I sensed the immediate hesitation in his voice. He's not up for another challenging conversation with her. He doesn't even know how to talk to her, far aside the interrogation! He has no idea what he's gonna ask her about those wounds, yet he had to intervene. I could feel his heart dissolving with every second, he is the one who's scared at the moment.

But .... he has developed the heart of a parent. Even though hopeless, he couldn't give up on Jay till his last breath. Neither do I. Till there is a bit hope left!

"Sit, let's talk okay?", Arthur is being softer since the last encounter. It was really hard on him to raise his hand at her. He almost broke down explaining it to me. I came forward too and sat at an outskirt distance. If things go wrong again, I'll need to step in.

Jay obeyed as forced by her personality rose up, she sat. But unexpectedly, unlike times when she wouldn't even talk or meet the eyes, she looked up at him. Her eyes unfocused yet glaring at Arthur. Her head tilted at a side. The bruised-up wounds and dried blood stains made her look like a victim of domestic abuse and hopeless. That aura emitted from her, was making the atmosphere grow colder. If it were me, I couldn't have faced that look on her face. It is not her usual self, Arthur was facing. I suddenly remembered that day when she spoke to me before collapsing. It never fails to freeze my spine!!!

Jay spoke, her tone hoarse," I really can't take another hit right now, you know!".

Arthur openly swallowed air. He was choking on his own breath. Her talent of twisted sarcasm is unbeatable. Arthur was lost for the words he had spent his efforts preparing.

He collected himself and smiled sadly," I would never hit you Jay".

Jay immediately spoke without a pause, "Really? Could you tell that again after this conversation is over? That is, if you can manage to keep the calm over me?".

Arthur bit his lips. I saw the unknown pallor over his face. His hands were fidgeting. Even for a grown up like him it was impossible. Jay talked like a thousand-year-old. I wanted to interfere, but I judged to let some more time.

"I acted on impulse last time", Arthur said in a low tone," I'm sorry about it."

Jay kept quiet this time. Arthur started to regain the confidence. He's really brave confronting her head-on. He continued.

"But, let's talk about right now. Okay Jay?", he tried. Jay sighed. I don't have a good feeling of the incoming word from her.

"It started with a 'Let's talk' too ...…...last time", she smiled unnaturally. She is purposely stabbing his delicate areas. I got a little angry on her. This was too much; she's going way too cold on Arthur. The person always tried to give his best for her sake. Aside a gratitude, I never saw her greet him ever. He won't make it this way. His distress was reaching me directly.

But Arthur was stronger than I thought. He tried to carry on the conversation, dragging it to an emotional aspect.

"Forgive me on the fact for the past years of sacrifice, won't you?', nice one as a counter back. I hide my smile," Can't so many years cover for one day?".

Jay looked away. So, she does hide emotions. Not everything she exposes is true. She indeed bears some guilt pang on herself which made her stop talking. There's still hope I bet.

"Who's doing this to you Jay?", Arthur dropped down straight to the topic," Could you please tell us?', he's trying to get softer. Instead of a demand, he's requesting his plead outta her.

Jay didn't meet his face," I ...…...don't want to".

She always gets away with this. It really annoys me. But Arthur is persistent this time as well," It's really hard on us to watch you return home this way every now and then then. Please tell us, are you being bullied?".

Jay spoke in a defined tone," We had this before Arthur. I am not being bullied".

- Surely you can't inflict these injuries upon yourself, can you?

- Yes, I can!

It totally grabbed my attention this time. What is she saying? Arthur looks dumbstruck too. But he continued gulping the confusion.

- What did you just say?

- I do this to myself, in my whole conscience.

- Why??

Not even I want to know how does she do that.

- Because ...I need it!

- You need'em?

- I do!!!

- Do you have any idea what you're saying Jay?

- I do!

Arthur pulled himself back. His sister telling on his face that she regular beatings in a month because she needs it! How cruel that could be? It was acidic to my ears to hear from her that she needs injuries, and she does it voluntarily.

Arthur was sweating. Who is this person talking before him? Is it really Jay? We have never heard her talk like this before. It would have been better if she just kept quiet. But now she has made things more confusing and difficult for us to handle.

- Why do you need it?

- To survive!

- Survive what?

- I cannot tell you that!

Now there was an awkward pause.

I was losing it. I began losing at the point when she said she needs it. And here I mistook thinking she has emotions left. She can't get any stone hearted than this. No one ever can. I couldn't tolerate this baseless conversation anymore. I stood up pushing the chair back. Arthur looks at me jumping on his seat at the sudden reaction.

"Do you know how much out of sense you sound when you say stuff like that Jay???", both me and Arthur are surprised by my stern voice.

Arthur tried to raise his hand and stop me," Chris, no!", but I had enough from her coming. Arthur definitely had it enough in my point too.

But I continue," You need it to survive right? Tell me then, how do you get'em? And speak to the point!", it sounded demanding.

- Don't worry, I don't get'em for free. I pay ...….

The silence in the room couldn't get any louder. I and Arthur exchange looks, not being able to believe Jay at all. I lose my grasp on my emotions as I turn my back at them, clutching my hair tighter to pull'em off with force, shutting my eyes close and bending over to escape the frustration. It was beyond my capability to drag things. I couldn't.

Jay telling us in her right mind that she pays off people, probably, to beat the shit outta her just because she claims to have needed it ...…to survive something according to her point of view. Is there any way someone can make me believe that?

First time I find myself this mad, the reason is not even appropriate!

Arthur seems completely blown up and broken. I felt his heart melting and disappearing in to oblivion. Who can take their sibling talk in such a manner as if they have suffered the world's burden? And us? Unable to help at any aspect?

Is this some kind of psychological problem?

Dissociative disorder?

Brain rampage?

What has Jay made of herself?

Arthur speaks, his voice completely swapped to a strict one" I'm taking you to the counselor first thing tomorrow Jay. And if necessary, I'll admit you to the rehab!".

I look at him in dismay and disbelief. Things have come to this end now?

Jay suddenly stands up. Her eyes fuming.

- If you want to kill me, make me.

Saying that she suddenly bolted off without any warning.

"Jay!!!", I call behind her," Come back Jay!", but she had taken off.

I look at Arthur. The guy was lost. So was I.

"I messed up, didn't I?", I ask guiltily.

"It was okay to make her go berserk and confess things", Arthur replied grabbing a glass of water. He seemed exhausted," I did mess up too this time".

"Should we go look for her at this time?", I ask.

- You won't find her.

The reply really pierced through my heart.

- What did we do wrong in raising her?

- It isn't us. It's people like Jay.

- People like her?

- I'm even surprised that she isn't dead by the time yet.

I study Arthur saying those last words with such a heavy burden inside of him. I can find no connection with those and Jay. But if something made him say such extreme, Jay is definitely not what I think she is. Not at all what I think she is suffering.

I don't know which string is broken, or how to mend it in her case!!!