1 Random Thoughts #1

Where to start? Dear Journal i guess.

I'm lost, rectification, i've always been lost since i know what is happening around, i try to understand everyone, but sometimes i can't, perhaps i'm too weak, or perhaps they don't need me at all.

Insecurity have always been here since my early childhood, to be honest, you have no idea how i hate myself for the past mistakes i have done. A remain taste of my sadness and anger mixed a lot of emotions are still here, they don't all show up at once, only when they want. Yes you understood, i'm not a master of my emotions, they are the one who are controling me, and because of that, i hurted a lot of people, and made irrational choices.

Lately i'm feeling lost, more lost than usual, and i'm doubting hard, i don't know if she still loves me, is that love useless? Or am i overthinking as uaual? That's a question i can't answer, i want to know the answer but i can't.

Blaming myself, has always been something i did, even when i was little, i was always doubting about myself....Of course, teachers and company, were always saying that i was worthy and intelligent and other cheering up stuff, but i knew deep down in me that it was not true

Parents, they are supposed to be here for you when you need them...but yea, they were not, many questions i asked were not answered, some very important questions were avoided, and because of that, i don't know how to correctly cope with those situations.

Frienshsip, here is something i really sometimes love and sometimes really hate, it provides you with happiness and sometimes sadness, and dilemas, which i failed of course and as a result, i ended up alone like always.

Trust issues are common in people, well i guess not with me, i'm capable of trusting people i love again and again, even if they decide to hurt me again, how ironic, because i know its stupid, but i just can't, its my nature, i can't be angry at someone even if they hurt me really bad, which happened...a lot of times

Love, today i must say its a beautiful thing, but i hate the dylemas of it, its painfull, specially for someone like me, i see almost every little changes in the person i'm with right now, and when i spot it...i start to think of the worst serianos in my head and of course it makes do and say stupid things. I say i'm open to everything, but its a lie, from what i know, my heart hurts when i talk about those things.

I say i'm strong, tough, but this too is a lie, i'm soft and weak, whether we are talking about the mind, or physically.

Sometimes i just want to stop everything, and finish it at once, and say to everyone i know, F you all, but i can't, because it will means hurting all the people that loves me, and my soul will not be able to rest in peace if this would happen, so i prefer to stay alive and try to help everyone as best as i can, even tho i know i might be hurt in the process.

Whenever there is an argument between someone and me, it always finish bad for me, because i tend to crack...like always due to my weakness, it hurts when you see someone telling that its your fault that something happened to them even if its really your fault, and you try to repair that temporary broken bonds, but sometimes it ends up as a permanent broken bonds, even if you did tried everything you could, sometimes the truth hurts and you need to accept that outcome...

TO BE CONTINUED...